My wife has BPD and has left again

Can anyone give me some advice. I have been with my wife for 11 years and married for 5 years. We have 3 beautiful children together 2,4,and 9. My 9 year old has a disability and has septo optic dysplasia. My wife and i get on great 6 days out of 7 and then we would have a small fight over something small. She has kept saying to me that all we do is fight but this is not been true. We are very comfortable in each others company and do enjoy each other but she regularly says she feels unloved and is unhappy. It just seems that she is seeing the bad. Im soo confused.

She finds it hard to make new friends and keep friends and does seem to annoy them quite easily. In the last few years she has been spending a lot of time on Facebook and getting in touch with people from her past and chatting a lot. We were having more arguments and eventually she asked me to leave. She was very cold with me saying she never wanted me back and it was over for good. Meanwhile she started chatting with her ex boyfriend from when we started going out and she had an affair with him. She slept with him one night. She came to me one day and asked me back and said she could do whatever it takes to get us back together. I said i would forgive her and try and work on relationship. I'm not saying i'm the nicest person in the world but i have never hit her, spent all the rent money on drink or gambling and am always supportive of anything she wants to do.

Anyway its happened again. The last 6 months have been great and we were doing really well and felt like we were going somewhere. About a month ago she says she doesn't feel loved anymore and doesn't want to be with me and we should just move on. She has moved back to England from N.Ireland. She took the two younger children and left my eldest(the one with disability) and we have been in contact and friendly. She has been saying for the last few weeks we could get back together and i should move over. She was positive about this until last Saturday and then on Sunday she said we will never get back together and should move on. She then dropped the bombshell that she has a date this Sunday!!!

Can someone please help, i dont know what the hell is going on and am in pieces.
Thank you and sorry for going on so much.

Dude I have absolutely no idea what to say to you, that's just heartbreaking to read and I am truly sorry you are having to go through this.

All i can say is I really hope things work out for you - wish I had some good advice or something. Sorry.

Thanks my boy,

its been hard the last few days but have been speaking to people and its making it easier. Thanks for taking the time to reply!!

Stu

stu2000 wrote:Can anyone give me some advice. I have been with my wife for 11 years and married for 5 years. We have 3 beautiful children together 2,4,and 9. My 9 year old has a disability and has septo optic dysplasia. My wife and i get on great 6 days out of 7 and then we would have a small fight over something small. She has kept saying to me that all we do is fight but this is not been true. We are very comfortable in each others company and do enjoy each other but she regularly says she feels unloved and is unhappy. It just seems that she is seeing the bad. Im soo confused.

She finds it hard to make new friends and keep friends and does seem to annoy them quite easily. In the last few years she has been spending a lot of time on Facebook and getting in touch with people from her past and chatting a lot. We were having more arguments and eventually she asked me to leave. She was very cold with me saying she never wanted me back and it was over for good. Meanwhile she started chatting with her ex boyfriend from when we started going out and she had an affair with him. She slept with him one night. She came to me one day and asked me back and said she could do whatever it takes to get us back together. I said i would forgive her and try and work on relationship. I'm not saying i'm the nicest person in the world but i have never hit her, spent all the rent money on drink or gambling and am always supportive of anything she wants to do.

Anyway its happened again. The last 6 months have been great and we were doing really well and felt like we were going somewhere. About a month ago she says she doesn't feel loved anymore and doesn't want to be with me and we should just move on. She has moved back to England from N.Ireland. She took the two younger children and left my eldest(the one with disability) and we have been in contact and friendly. She has been saying for the last few weeks we could get back together and i should move over. She was positive about this until last Saturday and then on Sunday she said we will never get back together and should move on. She then dropped the bombshell that she has a date this Sunday!!!

Can someone please help, i dont know what the hell is going on and am in pieces.
Thank you and sorry for going on so much.

She has no internal compass and is empty and lost, she has no idea where she wants to go with her life and just tries everything on for size as it comes along to fill the emptiness. It's a very common symptom of many personality disorders.

Does she KNOW she has BPD? Has she been diagnosed, does she accept the diagnosis, has she been to therapy? If you want to make this work you need to set very firm boundaries (but no tough love, she probably will not react well to that). She needs to see a therapist weekly AND needs to attend a weekly group for Dialectical or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (DBT and CBT respectively). You would do well to thoroughly research borderline personality disorder to better understand what's going on inside her. You'll probably never really comprehend it, but at least you can show her that you care and you are trying. Whether she admits it or not she'll probably appreciate it.

But it's time to protect yourself and your children. Set boundaries, insist on marriage counseling, insist she sees a therapist, insist she attends DBT or CBT, all of this happens weekly, and if her therapist believes she should be medicated, then by damn she better do it. Period, the line is drawn, if she doesn't like it then sucks to be her.