How do you know if you actually love your SO? trigger

Since being dx I've been going back and forth about what I should do about my SO. If I should stay or go.

We've been together 4 years, the whole relationship has been crazy ups and downs. He's an alcoholic and I blamed everything on his drinking, but when he stopped a yr ago nothing got better

He is out of work, and it's so easy to call him lazy..the same term my mom used for me when I was struggling in school, and I think it's one of the most hurtful words, yet I call him lazy.

He is gone all the time with friends, staying out all night. Claims he is trying to get $ but never coming home with much.

The only time I feel in love with him is when he brings money home. Like it's a rush, because I know I'll get to spend it, don't care what it's on..but when I get to frivolously spend it is the best.

He hasn't been home longer than 3-4 hours in a week. He isn't sleeping. He admitted he was taking ritalin because it gave him more motivation, but swore he'd stop, but I don't think he did.

We have 2 children, 1 biologically his, but he's adopted my oldest and when he is home the 3 of them are excellent together and he genuinly seems like he enjoys them

I just feel lost I do everything. I cook, clean, take care of the kids. I'm trying to get my mental health good. Some days I just want to hide in a corner, I've been picking really bad to cope. Last night I thought it would be a good idea to quit picking and start cutting, because I can hide the cuts. I didn't though.

My son's birthday was this last weekend and I know the parents hated me, figured I was a meth user because of my sores on my face. I checked all their facebooks seeing if they wrote about this poor little boys meth head mom. I was overwhelmed worried that on Monday my son would come home and tell me his friends aren't allowed to be his friends anymore. Thankfully that didn't happen.

I'm so worried about everything. I know cutting isn't the answer, I haven't done it since I was 14..and it took everything to stop pinching myself. But I ended up just replacing it with picking.

I know it won't change if SO is around, but I keep blaming him. Maybe if I cut myself he'll want to stay home and help.

My thinking is so f**ked UGH!

I think I'm too young and inexperienced to give you thorough advice on your SO, but it doesn't sound like either of you is happy. Just staying with him for the kids is not the answer - he can still be their father, even when he's not with you.

I totally recognise wanting to manipulate someone into staying with you. Just tonight, as I was going home from work, I wondered if I had an accident and ended up in hospital, would my parents love me more? I have very obvious advice for you: don't cut. Don't pick, either. Try to find something that relaxes you so you can do that when you feel inclined to hurt yourself.

doesn't matter if you do
you can chase the high
or you can make a future
ther's always gonna be someone new who you like 'more'