Diagnosed on 9/26

I'm actually ok with it.

I've been diagnosed with more psychiatric disorders than I can count. Been to more therapist than I can remember. Been admitted to a psych hospital...but just now finally seeing a doctor who actually specializes in mental health.

When she said BPD, I'd never heard of it. I thought it was the one where you switch personalities. So at first I thought she was nuts...but after reading about it, that's me...right down to the..well everything.

I come from an extremely broken home. I've suffered fairly significant abuse, by my moms husband, and my ex husband.
My father left, and I felt he abandoned me. Then my brother joined the Army, it was his way out. Again the feeling of abandonment was unbearable.

I've gone through life as a very impulsive person. Sex, money, food. I gave no second thought. Only to relieve the urge to satisfy my impulse.

I disassociate a lot especially when put in certain situations. My childhood memories between 4-7 or so is almost non existant.

I am currently in a relationship, I despise him. I never put him on a idealistic stage. I used to, but I've grown to resent him. He is an a**hole and I hate it. I feel like I'm unlovable, and therefore deserve it. I know it my heart I deserve better, but I can't seem to let him go. A sh**y man is better than being alone...that bothers me most about BPD.

I do self harm, but picking at my skin. I used to pinch myself, but don't anymore.

I'm happy to have a correct diagnosis, because now I can start DBT and get better. I'm only 26, and I feel I'm to young to let my life be taken over any more. I want to feel some kind of normalcy.

Although I was told BPD can't be fixed with pills, I was put on an antidepressant, and anti anxiety in an attempt to get my panic attacks under control. I'm feeling zero change, except for stomach upset and dry mouth.

Glad to find this page. It's been an interesting journey up to this point, I'm ready to get better. I feel ready to stick with therapy this time.

Hi,

it sounds like you've been through a lot in a short time! I don't have many childhood memories myself - I really don't remember much about my life, and the things I do remember are usually situations where I felt embarrassed or like I just wanted to disappear.

I hope you're finally getting the help you need, and I also hope that at some point, you will see that you deserve to have a good man.

SuDo86 wrote:I am currently in a relationship, I despise him. I never put him on a idealistic stage. I used to, but I've grown to resent him. He is an a**hole and I hate it. I feel like I'm unlovable, and therefore deserve it. I know it my heart I deserve better, but I can't seem to let him go. A sh**y man is better than being alone...that bothers me most about BPD.

I can relate to this. I'm currently in a relationship mainly just so I'm not alone. I'm trying to build up the courage to actually leave.

I ask him to leave almost daily. I don't think my words have any meaning anymore when I ask him, because I always change my mind.

Yeah, I frequently tell him that I want out of this relationship. It hurts his feelings a lot which makes me feel like a terrible person. I feel like I'm just being honest though even though I stick around and never actually get up the nerve to actually leave.