I learned much here from some beautifully supportive people. People with good hearts. I cant tell you how many times I would cry with you, smile with you, or just relate. Being here has made a difficult time for me much easier. I never knew what we were called. I never realized I knew so little. I have spent at least the last year reading. Daily. I wanted to absorb as much information as I could. Not only about us but about NPD as well.
I cant say that I want to change. I would but this is all I have known. I dont think I would know of any other way of survival. I am dependent on others. In my situation that is alright. I got lucky. I found someone willing to love me unconditionally. Someone willing to try and understand me. None of you here should ever accept any less than that.
I think I wanted acceptance. I know I did. Im pretty sure I spoke of it in early posts when I was extremely on the defensive, confused and hurt. The thing is I kept wanting acceptance from everyone else. I wanted it from the NPD (not going to find it there) and the BPD. Never realizing all along I only needed to accept myself. I am close to that.
Triggers. I dont even know where to begin with fixing them. Anymore I just tell my husband. Your triggering me. Leave me alone for a bit. Back off. Getting control of that I have no doubt will consist of the rest on my days on this planet. I wish it were only my husband who triggers me. I would have had an almost fix. Unfortunately that isnt the case and I dont control the world or people. Damn.
Happiness. That will be a constant struggle for me. I get moments of it though. I cherish them. I know the saddness/emptiness is always not far behind. I am now involved in marathons. Just completed my first one this weekend. Will be doing another in less than a month. It gives me something to look forward to and focus on. And it has the extra benefit of being healthy. And also helps to bring me out of my shell. Which can sometimes be very needed.
Boredom. Will continue to be another huge struggle. Im not even sure what to do about that yet. Try to not have much down time. I may become more involved in community projects. Something simple that I can find entertainment in but not overwhelming.
It has been a long time since I have seen the beauty in the world. I use to. I miss that. I want that girl back. She had a very vivid imagination and I think she was a part of who I really am. I am still looking for all the pieces that make ME. At least now I know I need to be looking for them in ME.
Therapy. Be careful with it. My therapist told me I had an attachment disorder. He said I didnt attach. I psychoanalyzed myself on that for months. For a period of time I truly believed I wasnt attached to my children or my husband. That I wasnt even capable of it. That was scary to me. Dont get me wrong there was some truth in the attachment issues but not quite as I had interpreted it. I attach. Too much. In a needy way. Though. Should something better come along I could most likely leave everything. That is difficult to admit. I already had issues with trust and he did nothing to ease them. He actually increased that distrust. Im not saying therapy isnt healthy. I think it could be. And I may even decide to find someone new eventually. What I am saying is never be afraid to question what you are being told if you dont believe it to be so.
On a last note. We are NOT weak. We are NOT pathetic. We are NOT bad people. We are NOT evil. We are NOT freaks. We are NOT ugly. You would be surprised to find the strength you have in you when needed. And I can guarantee you there are some other personality disorders here that we trump. The ones who seem weakest are in actuality those that posess the most strength. Dont ever doubt that in yourself or your own self worth. And dont ever put yourself lower than another when you are the one who stands taller. You see the BPD is often the reflection of others so what we are seeing is ourselves. So if you dont like what is looking back at you. SHATTER THE #####&. Its your mirror.
Be Proud Of Who You Are. Even with the personality disorder. At least we are aware. We know what we are up against. And I think everyone of us here know we have that part of us that is always armed for battle. Use that to your advantage. For that matter use the personality disorder to your advantage. Without hurting others.
Bear Hugs to all listed. You made an impact. Even if only for a day. You wont be forgotten soon.
Katana. Thank you for everything. You are so intelligent. COTIG. No longer here. But still thought of. Anagram. Funky. Madjoe. People underestimate you. I dont. I will miss you. Anasui. You make me laugh. The forum is lucky to have you. Always offering kind words and support. Wineaux. Wish I knew you in real life. Your a special woman. Hologram. Mystic Dolphin. Keep that head up. Skinthebrain. Def Leppard Rocks. Crackedgirl. Graveyard. Whybother. Iwoya. MissAli. Rainbow Sprinkles. The Other Me. Evgoddess. Cboxpalace. CBear. Chainedlynx. Automicuniverse. Hope things are well in your new place. Rawrytheracingcar. Keepontruckin. NihilismOpportunity. Finish that book. Great story line. Dejamelie. Never got to see that art. Me... Today. Love your posts. Flowingtears. Hayabusa. You will find her. Start that thread. Margharris. Dont stop writing. Blueflower. Infinite Dreams. No longer here. But still thought of. Hopefully I didnt forget anyone. If I did I apologize. All of you above are the ones I most read or interacted with in some way.
Tae Care Everyone!!
already. we'll always be a PM away if you ever need anything. 
<3
News
Site map
SitemapIndex
RSS Feed