can we get rid of the wrong feelings or do we fight forever?

I am so tired of acting the opposite way of how I feel, I am not sure what is right or wrong, when I should be sorry or when someone is actually unfair to me... I feel like I spend my life apologising. I once thought I had taken a big step by being able to say sorry rather than stick with my first thought that I am right. I was told by a friend I was a weak person for apologising all the time, that he never needed to because he always felt strongly about what he'd do and that I was basically a peicxe of sh*t.
So sometimes I feel like letting go, just not care anymore and let the crazy out, cause as hard as I can try I always fail and always end up with people hating me. I feel that if I was full on crazy and didn't care then maybe people would leave me alone, lock me up somewhere and I wouldn't have to worry regreting things that I do.
When I have to keep some feelings in, when I stay calm while I'm raging inside, it hurts, it makes me worse, I try to let it out by telling my boyfriend how I feel, proud that I didn't let it out, but he gets angry and say "you shouldn't feel that way" and it makes me feel bad, makes me feel like the core of my self is wrong and whatever I do there will always be someone to remind me.
I wish there was some medication to make the anger go away.
I have realised a couple of years ago that not everyone had to struggle inside like I did (dah!) and that it would always take a lot of effort and a lot of pain to sort of be like other people. And I am fighting, I am in pain, and yet I am still not like other people.
I grew up thinking I was sh*t, knowing that however hard I'd try, I'd always be different. Sh*t feeling. I thought it was gone at some point when I found out someone could love me despite all that.
Now I feel sh*t again, cause I realise he loves me despite all that, not with all that.
I want it to go away, I don't feel like fighting anymore. In order to be nicer to people, I need to hurt myself, it's not fair, I can't figure how I can live my whole life feeling like that.
I suppose we all feel the same way, and I guess there is no way out. I want to be nice and care for people but really think I am just an angry selfish person. and a very sad person.
I wish I was nice...
I am thinking about medication, dunno if it works, I never wanted to ta&ke any and even pretended to take it to please my psychiatrist... but now I feel that if it can help me getting rid of the anger and fear, I'd go for it...
Any advices, I'd love to hear...

Hi, i think
You should be able to be yourself, the people around you should encourage you not tell you what not to be, maybe these people could try to understand you better because they dont seem to be helping. Saying sorry is not a weakness, it can be a way of feeling for someone dont apologise for being you, sounds like it might be a good idea to see a therapist about helping to understand and cope with your painful feelings/ inner turmoil...therapy and dbt have changed my life...good luck x

everyone holds back his/her emotions to some extend
(if we woulden't there would be a lot more roadrage)
but try to be "real" if you don't you are gonne hate yourself(/others) and/or get depressed
try to find an outlet for your rage (sports or long walks)

for me the itch is everlanting
ofc that doesn't mean i cannot rezist it
i can still see it in my father (56years old)
(but ofc i'm a sociopath not a borderline)
i know that a sociopaths brainactivety is a lot diferend from neurotypicals and visualin bainscans. not sure if borderlines are.

My brain is on fire 24/7 as I can't stop thinking about things that bother me so I start counting things and making calculation, I was first diagnosed with AADD and obsessive behaviour but dunno if its due to BPD too, I reckon it is as this is all link to feeling angry or feeling like things are unfair... I feel like my brain is on fire 24/7 so I can't rest and if I do, if I stay calm; do nothing and "relax" i just start with a cleaning tidying up frenzy so I don't just stay still alone with my thoughts... I just wish i could enjoy sitting down and read a book or watch TV without loosing track of what I am reading/watching because I get lost in crazy thoughts... Can't even listen to someone without just thinking about other things and losing track, maybe that doesn't help with relationships either...
I've tried to go to a therapist but my referral is taking forever and I feel worse than before seeking help cause I feel let down... My GP says he feels for me haha, best thing to tell a patient...