How Can I Be Better?

Hello,

So, I've been doing research and looking into BPD recently, to better understand the disorder and in order to get help, and I found this forum and I thought it would be a good idea to reach out to people with and without the disorder in order to get advice with something of great importance to me. I'd appreciate any and all feedback. So, here we go.

I have a friend, a really good friend I hold and cherish to the ends of the earth. I love her more than life itself and honestly, she is god sent to me. There isn't a bit of her that isn't wonderful, and we're like bread and butter. The only problem is? She's Borderline, and as I've come to realize it's very difficult to deal with, for both her and myself. I'm at a loss to what I can possibly do, but I don't want to give up or run. It's been really hard for both of us lately, as she's sunk into a really deep and consuming depression, anhedonia and disassociation, but I refuse to just run from her. She means way more to me than most people I've ever known, and I just don't want to give up on her like everyone else seems to have. But, as some Nons may already know, at times it's really hard to handle the lows, considering that I'm not the pinnacle of mental health either.

I have severe anxiety and abandonment issues. I've taken steps in order to improve my own life and happiness, which was a bit abysmal when my friend began sinking into her severe depression. It's helped a bit, considering that I'm less likely to share in her bouts of hopeless, so I can be better support. But there are still moments I slip up, because my anxiety and paranoia cause it to be very easy for me to catch onto small details that would cause of a disagreement between us - where I'm more likely to believe that just because she's feeling a certain way she's growing tired of me, and that she's going to abandon me, etc. I think learning about the difficulties that Borderlines have with maintaining relationships has served as fuel to feed the paranoia of her possible leave, even though her character and personality would indicate that she wouldn't dream of doing so.

I suppose what I want to know is insight into what having BPD is like, what borderlines would appreciate seeing in their loved ones in regarding their disorder, and what Nons have done in order to be better support for their loved ones who are suffering from this. I'd like to know any and all details, even the smallest and mundane ones. I want to be able to understand thoroughly so I can be a better friend for her, because that's what I want - more than anything. If you have questions, I will answer them to the best of my ability in line to protect her privacy and mine - but feel free to ask. I just want to know as much as I can be a better person for not only myself, but for her as well.

Thank you so much. I appreciate your time in reading this.

I couldn't suggest a better book to read then Randi Kreger's "Walking on Eggshells"

Check the library or buy the book.

As for yourself, and my apologies if it is too forward but you seem to have some borderline tendencies yourself, or dependency. In my eyes that should be your top priority to keep looking into.
I know in personal experience that two people with borderline tendencies in a tight relationship whether romantic or friendship can really feed into each others weaknesses. This in long term can be very detrimental and a vicious cycle...

Again, sorry if I'm being too forward. Just thought I'd express my sight on this...

CBear wrote:I couldn't suggest a better book to read then Randi Kreger's "Walking on Eggshells"

Check the library or buy the book.

As for yourself, and my apologies if it is too forward but you seem to have some borderline tendencies yourself, or dependency. In my eyes that should be your top priority to keep looking into.
I know in personal experience that two people with borderline tendencies in a tight relationship whether romantic or friendship can really feed into each others weaknesses. This in long term can be very detrimental and a vicious cycle...

Again, sorry if I'm being too forward. Just thought I'd express my sight on this...

I'll be sure to grab that book, thank you.

You're not being forward, I can see why you would come to such a conclusion. I'm being vague for a reason, not giving out too personal details about her situation. I can tell you that I've had my own mental deficiencies, which basically results in my anxiety and paranoia issues, but I've never been considered borderline by the professionals I've seen. I was being overly flattering and sentimental because that's the sort of person that I am, I love her very much and I was coming here to look for information and insight on BPD and how to handle being in a relationship with someone who has it. Maybe I have borderline tendencies, but this is the first time it's been pointed out to me - but I will look into that. Thank you.

namiia wrote:

CBear wrote:I couldn't suggest a better book to read then Randi Kreger's "Walking on Eggshells"

Check the library or buy the book.

As for yourself, and my apologies if it is too forward but you seem to have some borderline tendencies yourself, or dependency. In my eyes that should be your top priority to keep looking into.
I know in personal experience that two people with borderline tendencies in a tight relationship whether romantic or friendship can really feed into each others weaknesses. This in long term can be very detrimental and a vicious cycle...

Again, sorry if I'm being too forward. Just thought I'd express my sight on this...

I'll be sure to grab that book, thank you.

You're not being forward, I can see why you would come to such a conclusion. I'm being vague for a reason, not giving out too personal details about her situation. I can tell you that I've had my own mental deficiencies, which basically results in my anxiety and paranoia issues, but I've never been considered borderline by the professionals I've seen. I was being overly flattering and sentimental because that's the sort of person that I am, I love her very much and I was coming here to look for information and insight on BPD and how to handle being in a relationship with someone who has it. Maybe I have borderline tendencies, but this is the first time it's been pointed out to me - but I will look into that. Thank you.

That's very nice that you care so much about your friend like this.

Walking on eggshells is a book about BPD and having a loved one that has it.
It is a great guideline in trying to understand and better accommodate.

Well, not so much borderline tendencies, it seemed more like a dependence issue. But hey, I'm jabbering. I don't mean to be judgmental or harsh. Just looking out, and pointing out observations that may be helpful to know and look into. My therapist used the analogy that it doesn't always look the same looking into the fishbowl rather then the person in it. --as in, others may view your actions, mood, etc differently then you do and you may never really see it.

Your friend is very, very lucky to have you. Wish someone cared for me like you do for her.

You are a great person to seek knowledge about BPD! It is such a complex disorder to understand so I commend you for seeking out help.

All I can really say is to make sure you are taking care of yourself first and foremost. The healthier we are as people the more equipped we become to deal with stress and interpersonal relationships the easier it is for us to deal with it all.

Secondly make sure you have clear and concise boundaries with your friend. Even if it may be difficult to do at the beginning it leads to a world of good when they are implemented. Your friend may become standoffish at the beginning to these clear boundaries but only will help her in the end. Enabling a borderline to be more borderline (if that makes sense) just makes the person sicker and leads to bigger issues.

Hope this helps and good luck!

get here to know herself better
try to understand yourself bettter
that's the start to all healing
(still working on that myself)

I actually have a friend like this, I am assuming he probably suspects it by now seeing as I tell him pretty much everything. Just show her that you care, be intuitive and most of all never lie to her. plus a hug goes a long way.