Controlling Promisicous Behaviour

Hi guys,
I need your advice. My girlfriend was diagnosed with bpd 3 years ago after which she dramatically changed her personality from being a homely girl to a bit more bold. She started smoking, posting some what vulgar comments on her facebook. She even started to hang out with people she normally wouldn't. She started hanging out with other men and when questioned she would say that they are her childhood school mates.

I'm very concerned about her and I want to be able to aid her back to normality so that she doesn't get harmed by other men who would most probably use her!

My query is, what are the ways in which friends and relatives can guide her and make her realise that this is harmful and counter productive for her? What can be done to trigger her senses so that she realises that I've got a point? Would medical practitioner or perhaps people who have been in similar situation like to share their experiences and offer me some leads.

I'm really stressed out so please help

sidsid, Hello my name is Patchoulijade, Welcome to Psych Forum, where there are no medical professionals on this site. Members helping members who have a possible mental health issue is Psych Forum. I understand your girlfriend was diagnosed with bipolar disorder 3 yrs. ago. Bipolar I or Bipolar II? is my first question I need for you to message me back and answer. I do not have bipolar; for twenty years I was misdiagnosed with this disorder. In March of this year diagnosis was changed to severe domestic P.T.S.D. I do not believe that your girlfriend's bipolar has caused such a radically described (by you) personality change. sidsid, bipolar is a mood disorder, not a personality disorder. Bipolar II causes hypomania, and some either light, to moderate, to severe depressive mood fluctuations. Not personality and or character alterations. The ignorant and societal stigma for those of us who suffer from severe mental health issues like myself is very difficult to accept and live with as some our society looks down upon us who suffer with mental health problems, sidsid. Your girlfriend knows what the national news reports when a bipolar or schizophrenic human being loses control and causes pain/harm to self and on occasion to others. Some of society judges the mentally diagnosed human beings mercilessly. Your girlfriend may be as I did for twenty long years judging herself mercilessly; thus selecting people around her that accept her diagnosis and the harsh stigma she is dealing with at this very moment.

Then sidsid, she may have Bipolar I which causes the diagnosed individual to suffer severe mania and severe depression, also could experience mixed states which could cause a host of changes in her behavior, and her personality. Fluctuating severe mood incongruency is a hallmark of Bipolar I Disorder. And with some sufferers (not all) may cause extreme mania, and could perhaps cause promiscuity, lowered inhibitions when the severely manic sufferer is high and not in control of their logical and rational self as their moods are shifting from mania to depression with Bipolar I. I am not a professional. I have some knowledge about this disorder from the twenty year misdiagnosis and all of the books, articles, medications, etc. that I read, and was prescribed.

I suggest you ask your girlfriend to come on this site and let her deal with her illness. You cannot "fix" anyone, sidsid. Do her parents know she is spending time with men that could potentially harm her? Please answer the above-messaged questions to me and we will go from there. Patchoulijade.

many thanks for your prompt reply Patchoulijade! finally perhaps I might be able to get the much needed feedback.

Ok here is a quick history:
For the sake of maintaining my gf's respect let's call her SSHHH
- SSHHH was brought up by her parental relatives in London UK as her parents had a divorce.
- She was very close to her had, more than she was to her mum.
- However in beginning of 2007 she moved to Manchester UK to live with her mum.
- Her dad died in a freak accident in July 2007 in NY (which i think had a big impact on her).
- In Dec 2007 she was diagnosed with Epilepsy (or at least that's what she told me!)
- She wouldn't take her med and often be admitted to hospital.
- Sept 2008 she tried to kill herself by cutting her wrist as a consequence had a serious miscarriage.
- Nov 2008 she changed dramatically. She would swear at me write abusive email, wouldn't answer my phone calls or text messages.
- Jan 2009 I got a phone call from her asking me if I could lend her some money which I did. After receiving the money she verbally abused me and accused me of all sort of things.
- Jan/Mar 2009 she ran away from home. Police complaint was made.
- Apr 2009 she contacts me back out of blue to meet up. Her appearance was tacky, as if she hadn't taken shower of ages, her dressing sense had changed she had started smoking and she even made new friends totally opposite to her 'homely' personality.
- Apr/Dec 2009 our relationship went on/off. she would meet me when she liked and then swear abuse me out of blue even if i didn't say anything and she would do a disappearing act for a month or so and the contact me back for a day or so and then back she would disappear. i assumed she wasn't interested so i moved on. but each time i moved on she would come back after a short interval.
- Jan 2010 i decided to end for good. Only to find out by end of Feb that she's contacting me again as I didn't wish her on her bday and she was feeling low and that she's been ill.
- I tried to be good friend only to find out shes going disappearing act again.
Apr 2010 after doing so research i tried to match her erratic behavior to some of the symptoms mentioned on medical websites only to find out that they match exactly like BPD.
- I phoned her to confirm if that is what she was diagnosed by doctors, and that is when she flipped big time! Ever since then she seems to be in hiding from me, yet she can't live without being in touch with me. And when she is in touch for extremely brief period she abuses me and swears at me accuses me of of random thinks like i've given my friend her number to disturb her. Totally crazy stuff!
- Post-Apr 2010 I discovered she had at least a dozen fake Facebook profiles! She wasn't an internet addict, she didn't even have her own Facebook until 2008 and when she did she didn't even tell or add me. Her fake profiles would include pretending to be a guy, or a decent girl, or lesbian.
- On her official Facebook page she would add random people and allow them to pass all sorts of comments on her photos. She would discuss vulgar topics like sperm and condoms (since we are south-Asian origin and in our culture this is considered extremely appropriate). Further, she would add her brother's friends and discuss their sexual life with them (again considered totally bad thing).
- She added random men can when asked she would say they are her childhood school friends. and basically they are after free sex from her whereas she things they are the most kindest people on Earth.
- Feb 2011 last time I met her, as soon as she saw me her mood/behaviour changed. She started crying in public accusing me as if I wanted to hurt her when in fact she was the one who called me for a link up. When I went back home she would txt (sms) me with a random new number and say sorry.
- She doesn't want to talk to me as 'herself' but she can't stop adding me with fake Facebook profiles and txting (sms) me with new numbers to say that occasional new year's greetings etc.

So that's the timeline. But I really don't know if it's a BPD1 or 2. I'm not a doctor. But I made a big mistake by asking her if she was diagnosed with BPD that was the breaking point of everything. Had I kept quiet and observed her silently may be I could have guided her to the path of rehabilitation more effectively. I think I have scared her away. But one of the symptoms of BPD is that you can't live without the person you lvoe the most yet you hate them the most as well and I guess this is the problem I am going through, she can't leave me and she doesn't talk to talk openly either.

But it is vital for her health that I guide her, or else random guys will use her for sex and even if there was 1% hope of her getting better this realisation that she's been used as sex will kill that 1% of hope as well. I can't cure her but by talking to other sufferers I can surely approach her in the correct way and guide her to the right help source. It will take time, I know and I'm understanding but I need the right help to equip me with the right skills to tackle her. Please help.

you need to set some boundaries. What you are doing, by allowing this behavior (ie going to meet with her every time she runs to you only to be treated like crap) is not helping the situation. What you are doing is teaching her that it's okay for her to treat you like crap because you'll always run at her beck and call.

I'm confuzzled...

How did we get from talking about a Dx of BPD to debating whether she is Bipolar I or II?

Am I missing something here???

I think there was some confusion about the dx. Some people don't know that BPD stands for borderline personality disorder and use it to mean bipolar disorder. It happens a lot in the bipolar forum.

Cheze2 wrote:you need to set some boundaries. What you are doing, by allowing this behavior (ie going to meet with her every time she runs to you only to be treated like crap) is not helping the situation. What you are doing is teaching her that it's okay for her to treat you like crap because you'll always run at her beck and call.

That can be sooo tough to do.

After a while of being set into this behavior, how does one try and change that. I can see punishment occur and when ones no longer at beck and call they are devaluated.
So when the command isn't followed it's "fine f-ck you!" and then the person goes and cheats or does drugs or whatever else messed up.

Feels like a no-win there, because it's either get marched over or if you try and set boundaries then hurtful things are done towards you...

Sorry for the negativity but does anyone know a way around this, just out of curiosity.

sidsid, does she have borderline personality disorder (bpd) or does she have a bipolar disorder? BPD can mean different diagnosis either borderline or bipolar. Which has your girlfriend been diagnosed with, please? Patchoulijade.

I am assuming the girl has Borderline Personality Disorder, since this fellow has come to this specific sub-forum.

I am also assuming this behavior of hers did not come out of the blue; she most likely was doing a really good job of acting like your ideal mate until her symptoms started to slip through. BPD does not appear suddenly like that, unless she really is Bipolar and experiencing intervals of mania and depression.

A large part of the problem is that you are letting yourself be a doormat for this girl. Whenever she comes back, crying, you take her back. Relationships with people that have BPD can work, but you are not doing yourself any favors. It seems as if you are hooked on this girl, but from your timeline, the described relationship seems very toxic. It sounds like she is not trying to make herself better, and you are co-dependent. I went through a very similar thing over 4 years ago.

"But it is vital for her health that I guide her"... I'm sorry, but the fact that you haven't seen her in the last year and a half shows that she is getting by fine without you. Don't let that love cloud your judgement.

My advice would be to do your best to let her go and not rekindle that relationship. Her making several fake Facebook profiles and adding you on them is not typical of a "normal" person... she is still in the illness process.

Hucal wrote:I am assuming the girl has Borderline Personality Disorder, since this fellow has come to this specific sub-forum.

I am also assuming this behavior of hers did not come out of the blue; she most likely was doing a really good job of acting like your ideal mate until her symptoms started to slip through.

This.

Very common and went through it myself.