Confused...New to this forum

I'm currently in a relationship with a man who has not been diagnosed with BPD. I am an educator going to school for counseling and he is a police officer who specifically deals with crisis situations caused by mental illness. Our relationship began just fine. We actually have a great time together but there are major problems when we aren't having a great time and there is no in between. When tiny things don't go his way, he goes into a rage. Anything from me not answering the phone at night (when I'm asleep) or not picking up his shaving cream "like he told me to at a specific time" (I was at an appointment and he knew it)...can turn into a barrage of phone calls, vulgar text messages where I'm called every name in the book and some that aren't. There's no rationality in the arguments, I can agree with him but I'm still wrong. This can go on and on for hours, until he decides that it was only a misunderstanding and we need to communicate better because he cares for me and loves me so much. The last situation was a couple of days ago. I purchased tickets to a comedy show for us. When I talked to him, I was telling him about the difficulty I'd had trying to purchase the tickets online...technical things. I told him that I had to call the box office and speak with the owner who then walked me through the process by phone. He immediately went into a rage telling me that I lied to him about getting the tickets and he doesn't understand why I lie to him about simple things. I was called a compulsive liar and told that I need to get help because I have issues because of the relationship with my son's father(I'm 34, I was 19 during that relationship)...He stated that my son's father hates me and his child and he can see why...everything personal that I have ever told him about me came up and in a very negative and disrespectful way...I was repeatedly referred to as the b word and reminded that there are plenty of "B's" waiting to take my place in his life...he frequently reminds me of women who are "after him"...he told me that i was very unattractive to him (after telling me earlier that he loves looking at me), and I have nothing to offer him or anyone else, and no one else would want me, told me that he's slept with several of my co-workers and that they smile in my face everyday, and that I'm jealous of his ex-wife's looks (I've never seen her)...then today after all of that he called and wanted to bring lunch to my job...he goes into a rage when I talk about my friends, spend time with family or go out with a group of co-workers for lunch...If I don't answer the phone or text back immediately, I'm playing games, he is now even trying to chose what I wear....I'm at a point where I know that I love him but the verbal abuse and control issues are way too much for me. I'm the parent of a 10 year old son and my boyfriend repeatedly talks about marriage. I refuse to allow my son to see these episodes...ever and I know that if we get married, my son will be exposed to this. I fear that the verbal abuse will turn into physical abuse but our couple of breakups have been so scary to me...of couse the breakup begins with him wanting it and then I'm at fault for not fighting for the relationship and then the verbal abuse begins again. I want him to get help but his response is always, "Don't you think you need it more than I do"...I cannot imagine my life with him unless he gets help but because of his career and training he is convinced that something is wrong with everyone else...He lost both his father and mother before the age of 10 and was raised by an older brother...there has been no diagnosis and he has never appeared to be suicidal but I have witnessed all of the other symptoms of BPD. It scares me, I want out and I want him to get help all at the same time. How do you get someone to understand that there is nothing wrong with seeking help. I'm really willing to go with him but right now my household is walking on eggshells and he doesn't even live with us. He repeatedly gets into heated exchanges at work with co-workers and citizens, he gets complaints but the department only slaps him on the hand and lets it pass. i fear that he is going to hurt someone and it scares me. I guess I'm just venting but if anyone can offer suggestions...please tell me something. I am very open minded, at this point.

You've said it yourself, you want out. Leave the relationship. It doesn't sound too healthy. You can't make someone go to therapy, especially if they don't see a problem. No therapist is going to be able to convince him that he has a problem, he has to see it in himself.

Cheze2 wrote:You've said it yourself, you want out. Leave the relationship. It doesn't sound too healthy. You can't make someone go to therapy, especially if they don't see a problem. No therapist is going to be able to convince him that he has a problem, he has to see it in himself.

i'm afraid this is true...you're putting conditions on the relationship and pwBPD need unconditional love and more validation than probably exists!! if you really want to stick to it, i suggest grabbing some books on relationships with pwBPD and trying to understand more about how to make it work. have you had a chance to read walking on eggshells or the like?

Purchasing "Walking on Eggshells" in a minute. I truly care about him but I need to know the best way to handle the rage or figure out the triggers.

excellent hon! i promise deep down inside is a lovable bowl of jello. it just takes time before we stop jiggling all over the place and let you in.

This sounds like an abusive relationship from A-Z.

Not necessarily borderline though there's possibility.

I haven't been diagnosed, but I have tendencies myself, some that are alike to your boyfriend but nowhere near that extent. I don't name call or get so aggressive.

I honestly just think that he's been taught abuse since such a young age that in turn he is an abuser.

If you are serious about being with him I think that you need to start establishing boundaries. Abuse is not tolerable. I also think that you guys need couples counselling ASAP and that he needs his own counselling individually. If it were me and he didn't agree to doing these things, I wouldn't stay.

You don't deserve this so boundaries and change will need to be made if you are to continue to try for this relationship.

That's what I think.

wineaux wrote:excellent hon! i promise deep down inside is a lovable bowl of jello. it just takes time before we stop jiggling all over the place and let you in.

I see this "loveable bowl of jello" often. I got the "Eggshells" book last week and I have been reading it. We had a great weekend but yesterday, he was cold and distant. He got upset because we were having a "conversation" and I had a response to EVERYTHING that he said...???? (I still haven't figured that one out.) I thought it was a light hearted conversation. Somedays he gets upset when I reply and other days he's upset when I don't reply. Today we haven't talked at all. Our only communication has been a "good morning" text. I'm trying to give him whatever space he needs. We had a great conversation over the weekend where he started off by telling me that I am a great woman. He also stated that he has a ton of issues but that he means no harm. He admitted to being out of control in the last disagreement and then stated that he wants me to sometimes tell him how I feel about the things that he does for me. I asked him to clarify and he said that I often compliment him and inspire him but I never tell him how I feel about what he does for me. I fell asleep on his sofa Sunday afternoon and woke up to him kissing me on my cheek while he watched football. We went to lunch...great, noneventful day.


In the past, he's passively mentioned us going to counseling for our "communication issues". I may mention this again to him but I can tell that now is not the time.

I appreciate ALL of your input.

I was just visiting the BPD boards b/c my mom has some traits. I came across this thread and have to say that I cannot understand why on earth you would ever want to be with a person that name calls and flies off the handle like this?

You have a child to think of - if you do end up with this type of spouse, your child will not only suffer but grow to resent you for allowing this into yoru lives.

Tread lightly - there is nothing lonlier than a bad marriage and this sounds like a recipe for just that.

Maybe you should seek counseling for yourself to help uncover why you would even try to work on this relationship when you have no real ties to him. (you are not married to him, he is not a blood relative and he is not the parent of your child.) You have a child to raise into as healthy an adult as you can and that should be more important that trying to change someone so insignificant.

I do not mean to offend, it just sounds like a worrisome situation to me. (For my 2 cents worth)

SurvivedMyNPDMom wrote:I was just visiting the BPD boards b/c my mom has some traits. I came across this thread and have to say that I cannot understand why on earth you would ever want to be with a person that name calls and flies off the handle like this?

You have a child to think of - if you do end up with this type of spouse, your child will not only suffer but grow to resent you for allowing this into yoru lives.

Tread lightly - there is nothing lonlier than a bad marriage and this sounds like a recipe for just that.

Maybe you should seek counseling for yourself to help uncover why you would even try to work on this relationship when you have no real ties to him. (you are not married to him, he is not a blood relative and he is not the parent of your child.) You have a child to raise into as healthy an adult as you can and that should be more important that trying to change someone so insignificant.

I do not mean to offend, it just sounds like a worrisome situation to me. (For my 2 cents worth)

I am considering ALL of my options...counseling for me is al so an option not only for this relationship but other things as well...another option is walking away from the relationship. We have been friends for over 8 years and before dating, this was never a problem. I'm still here and concerned because he has been a part of my life for so long and before the relationship we were friends. If the relationship does not continue, I still have concern for him. I do have more concern for my son. I am not a doormat but I do see that there is an illness present...I don't know if it's BPD or something else. In our conversation over the weekend, I did tell him that 98% of the time, he is great, understanding and very cooperative in our relationship. The other 2% are like hell. I see his self esteem issues and the uncertainty in his life. He's really disconnected from his family...after he lost both parents, as a child, he was bounced from his brother, to his aunt, to a cousin and back around over and over. I understand his trust, separation issues and the insecurities that he has. I don't want to solve his problems, I know that I can't but I am concerned about him. I do know that something has to change and this has been expressed to him.