How to proceed with friend?

Sorry for the cryptic title, but it's the best i could do.

My situation is as followed : i am a 25 year old male and have BPD,so i run to the internet to try and be normal.
So i met this girl while playing a MMO game last december.
At first everything was alright , but a few months down the line i started to idealize her and confine in her with more personal things ( as she claimed i could always talk to her about anything ).

I started to idealize and trust her so much that in the end i just wanted to hold her when i was feeling sad, maybe even verge on the fine balance of falling in love ( though she has been in a 6 year long relationship and lives about 1300km south ), we shared stories about how bad real life is, also for her and i confined in her that i had BPD.

Now about 3 weeks ago she basically moved to a different group of people on the game we played ( for you familiar with the terms , she and her bf joined another guild and stopped the one we were in ) this was a massive trigger for me, as i relied on her for my social contact and to share my feelings, and also it came kinda out of the dark.

Now im devastated cause our contact sunk so shallow it's not much more then ''hi'' or ''cya later'', im mad at her cause she knew how i was/felt and she left me.
I hate her for what she did but i can't get it over my heart to delete all contact with her , i tried that once but after half a day i was getting severly anxious and hating myself for making that decision, i feared the abandonment so hard i crawled back to her with some cheesy excuse for deleting her.

So i added her back on my friendslist etc and sometimes she comes on the same voiceserver as me again and we play a different game for a few hours with a few people, i love to hear her again but at the same time it feels like a burning blade.
I don't know if i should tell her that in the end i might have had feelings for her, though i know if she takes it the wrong way then her reply could be devastating for me.

At the moment im constantly swinging between being ''ok'' and not triggered when she's not around, and happy / sad / mad / triggered when is is around, i want to tell her that she triggers me and how i felt about her in the end but i'm just terrified of her response.

i know it sounds like a stupid question but what should i do from here on end ? should i talk to her and admit what i felt for her or should i just try and get through this one the hard way by ignoring her and hoping that one i can forget her and her triggers on me?
At times she still sparks that Idealize moment , but then it shifts to devaluation again , and this goes on and on untill she finally goes offline for the night.

i love when she is online and talks to me , but i feel mad / sad / everything in between when she logs for the night and the situation keeps me up for another few hours at least.

Yet i cannot imagine never talking to her again even though she fuels some of my really bad trigger moments ( though im sure she is not aware i miss her being there for me so bad or that she triggers me)

Should i tell her how i felt in the end and what she did still triggers me ? or am i setting myself up for another massive blow if i do ?

Sorry for the long post , not used to reaching out on forums or how to formulate my words in that manner.

Are you getting any treatment like DBT, or are on any medication?
Do you have a therapist to talk about this stuff?

This may not be what you're asking but I think the gaming makes things worse for you. Sounds like you are using it to dissociate, and I know how much more alone one can feel when doing that.

As for the friend online... It isn't realistic. She's very far away and in a relationship.
Sorry if trigger.

I think it would be good to get away from the MMO gaming.

I agree with Cbear.

I used to game all the time for hours on end. Like CBear said, I was using it as an escape tool, to dissociate and hide from the real world. As much as I hate to admit it, gaming was controlling my life. I hardly spoke with family, I didn't do anything really besides game. When you get indulged like I was, it was very unhealthy.

I have since stopped gaming, and for me I feel better. I'm actually doing things, looking for work, etc. I'm not saying you have to completely abandon gaming, but maybe do it in moderation so you're not constantly triggered by this girl when she's online.

Also, maybe you could talk to her and tell her that you miss talking to her and say you still want to be friends, but I wouldn't tell her that you have feelings for her. Like already mentioned, she's in a relationship, and it's unrealistic.

- Jesse

Yes of course if a person is in a relationship its unrealistic and if you know this you have to break away.

I understand using all sorts of things to dissociate/withdraw from the real world too, I don't understand it making people lonely though. I go online to talk to people, and as a better alternative to staring at the wall... Online is the main way I talk to the only person I have any real honest relationship of any sort to, people realtime... see what they need to see. But it also means I can speak to people and shut out the world at the same time, instead of just not speaking to people. lol Good compromise when i don't feel up to speaking.

and hi, you can't be Kat too, that would be confusing. Go get a deed poll change done, now!

CBear wrote:Are you getting any treatment like DBT, or are on any medication?
Do you have a therapist to talk about this stuff?

This may not be what you're asking but I think the gaming makes things worse for you. Sounds like you are using it to dissociate, and I know how much more alone one can feel when doing that.

As for the friend online... It isn't realistic. She's very far away and in a relationship.
Sorry if trigger.

I think it would be good to get away from the MMO gaming.

I used to take SSRI's to take the edges off ( mainly suicide thoughts ) but since i moved and lost my job i'm basically trying to take on BPD on my own and trying to shelter myself as much as possible from triggers or bad events

I'm already trying to bury the feelings i have for her and won't tell her since it doesn't change a thing anyway.

cheers for the replies, made me feel a bit better.

BpdKat wrote:

CBear wrote:Are you getting any treatment like DBT, or are on any medication?
Do you have a therapist to talk about this stuff?

This may not be what you're asking but I think the gaming makes things worse for you. Sounds like you are using it to dissociate, and I know how much more alone one can feel when doing that.

As for the friend online... It isn't realistic. She's very far away and in a relationship.
Sorry if trigger.

I think it would be good to get away from the MMO gaming.

I used to take SSRI's to take the edges off ( mainly suicide thoughts ) but since i moved and lost my job i'm basically trying to take on BPD on my own and trying to shelter myself as much as possible from triggers or bad events

I'm already trying to bury the feelings i have for her and won't tell her since it doesn't change a thing anyway.

cheers for the replies, made me feel a bit better.

May not be going about it the healthiest way.

I myself had problems with MMO's in the past as well and you are clearly stating its a tool for the purpose of dissociation. While it can suppress short term, I feel that the longer you do so the more it will catch up. I always found it very depressing and that it made me feel worse in the long haul.

While there are triggers out there, living in a bubble isn't a form of adaptation. And unfortunately society imposes responsibility and it is what makes the world go round.

Id try and get back in therapy. Stay away from relationships (easier said then done I know) and to tackle each problem one at a time. This is the beginning to rehabilitation. Unfortunately as hard as that can be its the only way to build up and develop new coping habits, healthier habits, so that we can function in this world and have a brighter future.

Keep your head high brother, you aren't alone. As long as we identify this logic... It is the first step towards rehabilitation.

ive been trying to run from relationships for years , it's hard but i seemed to manage.
I'm trying to get back in therapy but my recent history of job losses has cost me my medical insurance , and i live in one of those countries where it's vital if you need any special help , and i don't seem to find any of those centers that help you regardless with it.

Just every now and then someone seems to come along that cares for me, and im not quite sure if i let myself get carried away with it or if i dont see the stop sign in time.
Or maybe i cling on cause my real life friend count atm is 0 since i pushed them all away over the years.

Time will tell i guess, just wished i wouldn't fluxuate all day long between happy / angry / sad / desperate with a few people that do try to help me, the hardest thing are the triggers really

Thank you for your post though and offering advice, i don't tend to take much to forums although this place is filled with people alike so it's that bit easier to do.

Hi Kat,

First of all, let me tell you, I had a bad experience with internet relationships and I do not think this is a good idea. I agree with Cbear that gaming is possibly a way for you to dissociate and it might be a good idea to cut down on how much you play.
Anyway, the condensed version of my story is that once upon a time, I was 12 years old and I had a friend named David that I met online. Through David, I met "Skyler" whom I quickly became severely attached to and spent months emailing and chatting with all the time. Things got heavy way too fast and then "Skyler's" story started to fall apart. Bottom line, I found out that "Skyler", the 13 year old boy from Canada, was realy "Lizz", a woman from Florida who had psychotic symptoms and was trying to lure me to her because she liked "little" girls. Needless to say, that scared the $#%^ out of me and threw me for a loop. It was the very thing that started my self harm.

Obviously, I know my situation is different, but it taught me the same lesson. Don't try and date someone you met over the internet. It's very easy to fabricate a relationship when you're not face-to-face, because everything is like a dream or fantasy world here. Who she is online is not necessarily who she is in real life. Besides, she is in a relationship and lives far away. I don't mean to sound like a harsh b*tch (really, I dont!), but I know from experience the kinds of damage an online "relationship" can do. My advice is, get out of the situation before it becomes too intense.
If you really want, you could try an online dating service, where you can meet a "real" girl who lives nearby. Like eHarmony or Match.com. I've toyed with using them myself.

Hi Rawry and thx for your story .

I do know what you are trying to say , but sadly i have to say she is not some predator or whatnot since we met with a select bunch of friends during the summer in London since we were all playing together for a year and thought a real life meeting would be great.

Sadly for me she turned out to be as beautiful as i imagined her to be when hearing her , which doesn't help much , though im trying to let it go and im not on the hunt as such for a relationship with someone else ( and a sob like me already knew the sites you suggested but thx anyway )

*Hugs*

No, I wasn't trying to say she was a predator. I was just saying that the internet makes it easy to get in too deep too fast with people when in real life, things probably wouldn't work.
I don't mean that to say you're a bad guy or unlovable (I'm sure you're not either of those things), but people often are much more compatable when there is no real-life interaction. $#%^ hits the fan real quick in real life and things often don't work out outside of here.
I wish I could offer you more ideas to meet new people in real life, but seeing as I have no social life myself, I don't think I'm qualified.
Hope all is well and hugs and peace for you!