Romantic love and BPD

Sometimes I feel having BPD makes it impossible to have a romantic relationship. Even though I'm still halfway in the dark about the reason my ex broke up with me - I stopped asking when I started becoming afraid of the answer, and that answer seemed to change - I feel like without my BPD we'd still be together, but I can't be sure.

Whenever I see posts from nons asking how they can help their partners and make them see how much they love them, I feel a pang of jealousy and loneliness. Those posts make it clear that it is possible to be in a romantic relationship and have BPD. It makes me wonder why I can't have that, though.

I'm sorry for being whiny, but it's late and I feel lonely and so close to those "there's just no point to it anymore" thoughts.

this is love...borderline style. i have to believe it's out there. i won't let it go.

It's out there. It's harder to find with when you have BPD because we tend to hold onto relationships that are unhealthy for us, but it's there. The continual process of discovering who we are is the key to find these healthy and fulfilling relationships.

That relationship may or may not have continued if you did not have BPD, but the important thing to remember is that relationship was not right for either or both of you at that point in time.

Another lesson I've learned is that attachment doesn't always necessarily mean it is love. For me, I've learned that it has to do with abnormalities with my amygdala (specifically hyperactivity), which has been shown in patients with BPD (http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/14643096). I got an MRI a few years ago indicating this. Anyways, the amygdala has a lot to do with moderating attachment (http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/16284946), so when we find someone, because of all these chemicals this little almond shaped part of our brain starts pumping chemicals into our brain, we say "HE IS TOTALLY THE ONE!" without moderation and without consideration to our own personal growth, development, wants, needs and what makes us happy.

My personal key to self discovery has been through a lot of things to regulate my emotions and attachments. Meditation, specifically guided meditation has helped a lot. I just started yoga, and that has been such an amazing influence in my life thus far. Performance art has always been with me. I always used it to express ways I could be happy, but am just recently am starting to express the other emotions.

I also took some time to "date myself", which essentially consisted of me thinking every day for a few months, "How would I impress MYSELF today?" I took time to think about, when I had nowhere to go (taking the social pressure off and avoiding my, er, 'adaptation techniques' from being so externally referenced) and no one to impress by myself, what actually made me feel good and happy. DBT will be next on my list of ways to live life more fully.

I once asked a psychologist if a borderline was capable of love... didn't get a straight answer.
Ridiculous as it may seem - does seem - to me, as a borderline, "it is out there". If I can be married - happily most of the time - be assured, most any of us can have a good marriage/relationship.
Of course, my wife is the angel of tolerance(*edit: and freakin beautiful!). And I have bust my gut fighting (usually unsuccessfully) the instability that is so hard on borderline relationships. We're seven years together, and it's still so good it's like a bloody dream

I think we're capable of real love. I know it's difficult for others to be with us, but doesn't make it impossible. Even though I don't think I'm worth it, and don't think I'll ever find it, I can't give up on it. I need that one last dream in life to hold onto.

wineaux wrote:


this is love...borderline style. i have to believe it's out there. i won't let it go.

Mistake? Love is a mistake?

I think the way Borderlines love is just different is all. I see my friends and they all have stable long-term relationships. But they don't seem to love as much me. Their love is less intense, it seems so dull and plain. I envy the stability but it doesn't seem like enough to me. I need my relationship to have some thrills to it! When I get a girl I put my whole heart in the relationship. I dive right in. Over 50% of my relationships we move in together within the first month, maybe two. It's a damn sexy whirlwind if I do say so myself!

So yes, we are capable of love and romantic relationships. If I believed that I couldn't have romance for the rest of my days, I wouldn't want to live anymore. It's the thing that keeps me going. She's out there, somewhere. 'Till then I'm just gonna have to settle with these other girls. :3

Chainedlynx wrote:I think the way Borderlines love is just different is all. I see my friends and they all have stable long-term relationships. But they don't seem to love as much me. Their love is less intense, it seems so dull and plain. I envy the stability but it doesn't seem like enough to me. I need my relationship to have some thrills to it!

this, so much.

Well , I had a boyfriend with BPD a while back. The reason I broke up with him was that he was always too unbalanced and decided to do things "for my own good". I could never grasp what he wanted from me . Did he want space , did he want intimacy , what did he want ? And what he wanted changed by the hour so I stopped seeing him.

I understand how u feel. My ( don't know what to call him) we broke up over a month ago but still see each other regularly.. It's driving crazy btw.. He won't try to understand what's going on with me. I feel like I don't know whether he's coming or going. I asked him to just look the subject up... Sounds so simple right... I know if it were the other way around I would have my own research team working on getting him better... I wish he would do this for me. Maybe they're just not worth it. I think to myself... I need someone who really loves, cares, and will stand by my side no matter what . I didn't ask to hav bpd.. This is not my fault, yet I had to live a life of suffering for 34 years not knowing what was wrong with me. Finally I was diagnosed with bpd and it makes so much sense to me now. I hate feeli g like I don't exist without a man. Don't know if this helped but hope it does somehow

Thank you all for your reactions!

I was also wondering - it seems to me as if more girls with BPD have relationships than guys. Is this just an impression, or would there be an explanation for this?