Need help feeling neutral to a close friend

So... I have a friend who I was very close to.. but over the past year she pulled away from me a lot. This of course caused a load of BPD sh*t to come from me... including cutting her off for 3 or so months. Eventually we worked it out and were friends again, but she was never as close to me as in the past...
I react in probably the worst way I could, but she has done a lot to hurt me. She is just as emotional as I am and will switch from being super friendly and giving m a lot of attention, to acting like she wants nothing to do with me. (she sounds BPD too right?.. but thats beside the point)
I have over the course of the past year told her how much she means to me (I have never loved anyone as much as I loved her) and told her how I felt about the things she has done... but talking usually ends badly. She wants to just ignore it... I dont mean as much to her so she doesnt have to care about any of that stuff.

Anyways.. She recently moved back to Europe and has stopped answering my emails (and facebook). I now I shouldnt still care.. she is an ocean away from me... Yet I cant seem to let go (isnt this the opposite problem most BPD people have? why cant I get over her now that she is gone?)
I see her write to people on facebook all the time.. always enthusiastically.. saying she misses them and whatever. but she doesnt write back to me ever.
I am seriously using all my might to stop myself from blocking her... I would love to do it but I know from previous experience that this just causes her to grow even more distant from me.. and this time she'd probably never talk to me again.
How can I just let it go...? I hate her so much sometimes... I think it is so rude of her because she knows how much it affects me. I want to blow up at her and tell her how angry I am but I know it wont do any good...
How can I just be neutral about it without feeling unresolved?

dejamelie wrote:So... I have a friend who I was very close to.. but over the past year she pulled away from me a lot. This of course caused a load of BPD sh*t to come from me... including cutting her off for 3 or so months. Eventually we worked it out and were friends again, but she was never as close to me as in the past...
I react in probably the worst way I could, but she has done a lot to hurt me. She is just as emotional as I am and will switch from being super friendly and giving m a lot of attention, to acting like she wants nothing to do with me. (she sounds BPD too right?.. but thats beside the point)
I have over the course of the past year told her how much she means to me (I have never loved anyone as much as I loved her) and told her how I felt about the things she has done... but talking usually ends badly. She wants to just ignore it... I dont mean as much to her so she doesnt have to care about any of that stuff.

I'm going to tell you how this reads to me.. you love her and she doesn't love you in the same way, and everything revolves around this. If this is the case then it could explain why she is distant and putting some space between the two of you. Also, you'd have to ask yourself are you capable of just being a friend and keeping those feelings to yourself?

dejamelie wrote:Anyways.. She recently moved back to Europe and has stopped answering my emails (and facebook). I now I shouldnt still care.. she is an ocean away from me... Yet I cant seem to let go (isnt this the opposite problem most BPD people have? why cant I get over her now that she is gone?)

I think, you're thought process is wrong here. You still care because she means a lot to you. It doesn't matter whether she moved across town or overseas. So.. you still caring because she was a close friend would be a more correct thought process. Even though you're not as close now it doesn't change the fact that you were close, they do mean a lot to you, and you do have a lot of fond memories. Unfortunately, these can't be easily forgotten.

I would disagree with what you're experiencing being the opposite problem of other borderlines. I think there are some of us that when we're done with someone.. we're done with them, out of sight, out of mind, move on. There are others that experience what you are with significant others, and I happen to be like you. So.. you're not alone.

I see her write to people on facebook all the time.. always enthusiastically.. saying she misses them and whatever. but she doesnt write back to me ever.

glutton for punishment applies here.. you're torturing yourself.

I am seriously using all my might to stop myself from blocking her... I would love to do it but I know from previous experience that this just causes her to grow even more distant from me.. and this time she'd probably never talk to me again.

I think you ought to give yourself a pat on the back for this here, because you're relating a negative action to a negative consequence and you'd be correct in the distance would more than likely increase. What may help is if you adjust your fb settings so you don't pick up anything from her news feed.

How can I just let it go...? I hate her so much sometimes... I think it is so rude of her because she knows how much it affects me. I want to blow up at her and tell her how angry I am but I know it wont do any good...
How can I just be neutral about it without feeling unresolved?

I don't think you can just "let go" of good memories and missing a person. It gets easier with the passing of time. You don't hate her.. You like her, you miss her, you hate her not responding to you. I'm not sure that you can be neutral with it being unresolved. I do think you have the right to send her an email explaining how you feel without attacking her or making her feel bad. Maybe she'll reply / maybe she won't, but you'll know that you did everything you could in a constructive way to resolve the problems. If you want to email her use this as a guide for constructing your email http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/ie_handout_8.html (focus on the describe, express, assert, stay mindful, appear confident.. ignore the rest..) If you want it critiqued before you send it post it her or you can pm if you like. I think if you do this in a constructive way... it won't make the feelings go away sooner or be less intense but you will have peace of mind knowing that you did all you could and that should help and leave the door open should she want to return...

Now for the blunt part.. I think you need to be honest with your feelings.. You like her, you miss her, you would like her back in your life. You don't like her ignoring you and the distance it's created.

cboxpalace wrote:I think you need to be honest with your feelings.. You like her, you miss her, you would like her back in your life. You don't like her ignoring you and the distance it's created.

Thanks for your suggestions cbox. The constructive letter writing seems like a good resource. I'll check it out.

cboxpalace wrote:Now for the blunt part.. I think you need to be honest with your feelings.. You like her, you miss her, you would like her back in your life. You don't like her ignoring you and the distance it's created.

I am fully aware of how I feel. You seem to have gotten the idea that I am not being honest with myself about how I feel..? Maybe because of how I wrote my post.... But... Yea... I'm fully aware of how I feel. And her and I have talked about this many times...

I used the email guidelines Cbox and wrote her to tell her that I feel ignored. And that through feeling ignored, it makes me feel like she doesnt care about me.
I was very objective... explained the situation as I saw it. Made sure not to attack her and that I was just telling her how I felt.
She wrote back very angry and attacked me. Saying that she doesnt like to get emails like that.. But I'm confused because all the email said was how I was feeling.. and how her actions affect me. I made very certain that I didnt make assumptions about her and that I wasnt attacking her or telling her what she "should do" or whatever...
How am I supposed to be friends with someone who doesnt listen to me needs? Anytime I try to talk to her about anything, even if I do it in a very objective way, she gets very defensive and attacks me for it.... Its so nonconstructive..
What can I even do at this point?
I feel like we are just not going to be friends at all anymore.. But I also feel like it doesnt even matter to her... so the only person this is going to hurt is me.

Hi dejamelie

It's good that you tried.. If you described the situation, expressed how it made you feel, asserted what you want and appeared confident and you kept it objective free from any kind of manipulation. You've done all you can. It sucks to be on the outs with someone especially when you want them back in your life and have it the way it was. I get that, because trust me I've been down the same path as you many many times.

What I'm about to say may not help, but it is true. You handled the situation in a constructive manner, and you've left the door open for her. You do have peace of mind KNOWING you've done all you can do, and you didn't blow up and attack her. You did NOTHING wrong, and her attacking you is her issue..

I guess you have to look at things like had you not done anything then what? Maybe things would've gotten better, maybe not, maybe things would've ended up worse. Who knows! At least you know now. At this point give her space. Maybe she'll comeback to you.. If she doesn't wait a couple months drop her a short casual email. In the meantime I suggest changing the settings on your fb so you're not tormenting yourself by reading her status updates etc.

Time does heal and since you've handled things in a positive way all is not over... If you have questions feel free to contact me anytime..

thanks cbox.
sorry for bringing up an old post.

i've told her that i dont like leaving things on such a negative note, but that there is nothing more i can say if she is not open to hearing it.
i have already unsubscribed from her on fbook so she doesnt show up in the newsfeed. it's hard sometimes to not check her page though... i try not too but i often end up doing so. i dont even know why.
at this point i am feeling just so fed up with how she treats me. i know i havent been perfect but i've been trying. and lately i feel like she has just taken advantage of me. i am always there when she wants me to be... and even if she ignores me, i've been there when she wants to see me again.
i feel like if she isnt open to listening to how i feel about this than maybe i just need to cut off from her... i just dont think it is fair how she treats me...

anyways. i often want to just delete her from fbook so that i cant visit her page anymore. but i know that if i do that (even though my desire to do so is simply for my own needs, and not about manipulation as it may have been in the past) there is a very good chance we will never talk again...

is it fair for me to just be here whenever she needs me? and for her to ignore me when she wants? or is this just how most friendhsips are? i never know...

and any ideas on preventing myself from looking at her page (or really seeing anything of her on fbook)? i have no self control even when it makes me feel like sh*t

dejamelie wrote:thanks cbox.
sorry for bringing up an old post.

you're welcome! no problem!

i've told her that i dont like leaving things on such a negative note, but that there is nothing more i can say if she is not open to hearing it.
i have already unsubscribed from her on fbook so she doesnt show up in the newsfeed. it's hard sometimes to not check her page though... i try not too but i often end up doing so. i dont even know why.

Unsubscribing to her feed was a good thing to do. Keep trying to resist looking at her page. It will become easier, and the reason you do look at it is because you miss her.

is it fair for me to just be here whenever she needs me? and for her to ignore me when she wants? or is this just how most friendhsips are? i never know...

No!! It is not fair to you to be treated that way. IF this relationship with her ever improves I think you'll need to look at ways in creating more of a balance. I think many of us have this mindset where if we give them the world, they'll do the same for us, and it doesn't work like that.

There is nothing wrong with ending hopeless relationships, in fact, dbt discusses this in the interpersonal relationships section. You could do a pros and cons list of keeping the relationship vs a pros and cons of ending the relationship and then comparing the two and making a decision. I think it's WAY too soon to do that. Here's why...it's only been about a week since that email.. so a possible pro of keeping the relationship is maybe she'll have a change of heart, apologize, and you'll be better friends then before. You don't know.. It's too soon. If you wait and do it 6 months from now it's unlikely you'd list that as a pro. At that point sufficient time has passed.

It also sounds like you're having a hard time navigating in the grey.. The relationship isn't "officially" over and yet it's not good either. It's just there kind of in limbo. I'd recommend trying some other things before you make any kind of decision on whether you should end this relationship. If you feel like reading her fb page then leave your computer.. If you're obsessing about her come to the forum read threads and post replies to people... The object here is to distract yourself and it does work especially replying to people's threads.

Here is the index page for Distress Tolerance in DBT there is a lot of useful information here and skills to try..
http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/distress_tolerance.html

this is for emotion regulation
http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/emotion_regulation.html

I'd start out with the distress tolerance first. Post back or pm if you have questions..