Going insane *possible trigger*

I feel like I'm going insane. Questioning the world we know - is it reality. How do I become real? If I can't, and I already know this much, I end up destroyed, by my own hand.

I caught a glimpse, and then it disappeared. I need to get back there. This shell isn't me, this isn't my life.

I have taken some pills tonight, but they have only intensified what I already felt.

There are conspiracies. Not elaborate ones like on tv. The mental health team I refuse to see are planning to section me. My GP told my mother they're concerned. I know what that means. Any knock at the door, panic, it could be them coming to put me back in hospital. They don't see it how I see it, they don't even realise they're part of the conspiracy.

I need something. Help? A hug? A new identity?

Here's a hug Flowing.

Not able to offer much atm sorry! Hope you're safe

mystic

Hugs are gratefully accepted. Thanks mystic.

Hope you're okay!

Hugs (((((Flowingtears.)))))

Read your blog...felt like a peeping tom.

Please accept the help.

I'm missing several hours. I was on a chatroom talking to people, had been all night. Then suddenly it was several hours later and I was on the homepage not chatting, and nobody I had been chatting to was online.

I don't feel like I slept but maybe I'm wrong.
I know whatever this is, whether I dissociated or passed out or whatever is caused by all the meds I took, but it still scares me.

I feel a bit like death warmed over today. Forgot I'd even posted this until I came across it.

Thanks again for the replies yesterday. Feel a bit better mentally today, even if I do feel awful physically.

Glad you're feeling a bit better Flowing!

Sending you safe hugs!

I didn't know you had a blog! Sorry I don't always notice blogs.

mystic

Hi sweetheart...


If you are losing time, and perhaps feeling a bit on the side of paranoia, do you think it may be time to possible go see them? I know that you're avoiding seeing that team and all, but from what you're describing, and from what you aren't remembering, I'm really worried, and only want the best for you.


If you would like to, please PM me and let me know if something brought this on? Is there any way that I can help?


AMP

The paranoia was mainly a side effect of what I'd taken. I went way overboard with the pills, and mixed different types that shouldn't really be mixed. I still think a lot of the things I mentioned, even without having taken pills, but I'm able to rationalise it a bit more.

And losing time is only ever something that happens when I overdose. I hate classifying what I did as overdosing, as I tend to think of overdosing as something I do to hurt myself, whereas this wasn't really an attempt at hurting myself (at least it didn't start that way, but I can't remember what I was thinking when it came to taking more pills and I was taking more every few hours at one point), but taking too much of anything is technically an overdose, regardless of the intention.

I see my therapist tomorrow, and will tell her all of this. Although she does tend to dismiss what I say and tell me I'm coping fine, regardless of what's been happening.

My mother had a GP appointment last week. She has the same GP that I do. My mother knows nothing about what's going on, but apparently I came up in conversation and my GP said something about sending me an appointment because everyone's concerned about me refusing to see a psychiatrist. If my GP sends me an appointment, I'll go to see her, but I can't bring myself to ask for an appointment.

I don't feel like anything in particular has triggered this. It's not even that unusual for me. The only difference is that I'm not seeing a psychiatrist. I still really miss my old psychiatrist, which is stupid, because she's been gone ages now, and I shouldn't be this attached.