I'm BPD.How do I get my BPD friend back?

Hi,

I'm a non-diagnosed 26 year-old BPD girl.I never went to seek help. I have a lot of signs but managed to keep them under reasonable control. But I always felt like an alien and found difficult to form friendships etc. Then I met this guy and I felt the "have we met before" feeling. We have a lot of common things and he said "I'm the same" a lot of times. Soon he started talking about his high stress levels and feeling empty and mixed emotions and how complicated emotions are...And I felt he's reading my mind. We never called it BPD but we confirmed that we're quite alike. Once he mentioned he saw a pshyologist but didn't go into details and I didn't ask because I knew if he wanted he would have told me. He also said to me he never told these things to anyone before.

Then suddenly we "forgot" about all this and started having intense conversations about sex. But never actually had sex. Then he pulled back saying he wants to be a friend only but he couldn't tell why. I let him do that because I understood. Then again conversations about sex then we met and it all got like romantic. He hold me in his arms, kissed me and said now he feels emotions and how great that is and that he didn't feel like this for years. And I fell in love with him. Later he also wrote about his new found emotions and how great that is and how much he wants me.

Then he pulled back again. All of a sudden he wanted to terminate all communication. He said it's not about, it was about him because he had to "fix his brain". I felt devastated but I didn't want to be clingy so I let him go. (That's an interesting thing about me: even though I craved being in contact with him and I was lying on the floor in extreme pain and I could hold myself back going after him. And I honestly don't want anyone to be in contact with me just for the sake of it. I only want someone to keep in touch if they really would like to do so.) So I let him go.

Five days later he texted like nothing happenned and I didn't even ask how come he came. I didn't care. I just felt happy he's back. Then again the conversation about sex but no sex. I often received text from him late at night just asking how I was feeling. Sometimes he called me very late. He was drunk. He set a date with me that he cancelled but said he still wanted to see me. Then he pulled back again. Started to avoid me very much. Again I didn't go after him but when he wasn't replying for 3 days I sent a text but no more. But I felt this wasn't right and I felt I need to write an email. I told him I loved him and asked why he was avoiding me. He replied he was avoiding me because he felt I was feeling something about him. And that he didn't feel anything about me. Because he didn't find the woman whom he wants to spend the rest of his life with. I was in so much pain....I lost control and I wrote an email to him asking a lot of questions and saying when and where he was confusing to me. Like saying "he didn't feel like this for years" I should have known better. I shouldn't have written that email but it was too late. Of course he didn't reply. Some days later I wrote him another email in which I said I was sorry and that I'm here if he wants to talk but if he wanted to go that's fine too. No reply from him. That's almost 3 weeks now. I'm missing him and I want him back in my life. But I don't want to annoy him. So what do I do?

My BPD got a lot worse since he left. When had this sort of friendship/relation I was a lot happier and both of us talked about taking steps to fix our lives. For example leaving the unhealthy relationships that we're having (for him open relationship, for me open marriage) . We felt we had power to improve our lives. Obviously I don't know how he's feeling now but I lost all strength. I feel weak and unable to make changes. All my energy is consumed by making myself functionable in my job and just in general to stay alive. I had suicidal thoughts.

My question is: what do I do? Shall I let him go forever? Do I contact him? If so, how?

ugh...i feel your pain!!! i went through something similar to this.

what should you do? step away.

should you let him go forever? no one ever leaves your heart that you love...they may leave your life, but they never leave your heart. keep him there. if he comes back, you'll still have that love within yourself to give.

do you contact him? no, you've already done that. the ball is in his court.

please please please try and do your best to focus all of your energy on yourself. you're weak and you need all of your energy on YOU and not someone else. you need to recharge.

i'm not going to tell you to let go because you're not ready. i'm not going to tell you to give up because you don't want to. what i will tell you to do is just focus on YOU and let him come to you when he's ready. his silence shouldn't fall on deaf ears ok?

Thank you for repyling and also for the cats that put a smile on my face Nice touch!

I agree with you. It makes sense.

I keep him in my heart. Although the ball is in his court, I'm not sure if he realises that. He's so insecure, probably he's thinking I hate him for what he's done to me. But I leave him alone.

There's a little twist here. The company he works for is doing business with the company I work for. He used to come quite a lot for that reason but since this happened he turns up only once a week. And the last time I saw him that was weird. We mutually ignored each other. I didn't want to be the first one saying hi and he chose to stay silent too. Obviously he's avoiding me. I'm just wondering why. Is it because he can't look into my eyes...or is because he started disliking me or I don't know..He can avoid coming to where I work. But I can't avoid going to work. I can't just resign...but working there is hell.. I see him everywhere.

We don't keep in touch directly. But we see on facebook what the other is up to. He started to "like" activities that I like. Interesting I thought he's not much into those things..

Anyways, thank you again.

wineaux wrote:


ugh...i feel your pain!!! i went through something similar to this.

what should you do? step away.

should you let him go forever? no one ever leaves your heart that you love...they may leave your life, but they never leave your heart. keep him there. if he comes back, you'll still have that love within yourself to give.

do you contact him? no, you've already done that. the ball is in his court.

please please please try and do your best to focus all of your energy on yourself. you're weak and you need all of your energy on YOU and not someone else. you need to recharge.

i'm not going to tell you to let go because you're not ready. i'm not going to tell you to give up because you don't want to. what i will tell you to do is just focus on YOU and let him come to you when he's ready. his silence shouldn't fall on deaf ears ok?

Hi wineaux,

I keep thinking about your post. May I ask how did the similar thing that you had work out?

Looks like he stopped avoiding the place where I work. Today on facebook he liked a funny thing I shared. He has surprised me a lot I thought he would never do that. But i think i still should leave him alone.. if he wants to talk, he knows my number, right?

hey there!

so...my situation? i've been split permanent ONYX COAL EBONY RAVEN black. totally different circumstances though. you have a great thing going for your situation in that he's (stil) 'liking' things on your FB. when you're done, you're blocked. period. off of FB, out of the phone, out of the mind.

what do i think happened here? happiness. we're not used to it, we're afraid of it and we can't handle it. it's an instant trigger to want to pull back and run when we're offered something that may make all of the pain go away. the issue of abandonment comes forth like a tidal wave. the thoughts of happiness and euphoria are darkened by the 'realism' of the imminent - erasure. it's never a question of will you leave...it's WHEN you'll leave. we're programmed that way. it's i'll run first because i have to hurt you before you hurt me. may i ask if he's had a serious relationship before??

wineaux wrote:

What's with the cats ? lol

Things have been made difficult here to in some ways.

I don't split people but once they prove I can't trust them, it takes proof to earn any trust I might have achieved back, and there is nothing anyone can do about that but work on things(their own, not getting me to trust them.) and take time. Where possible, honesty goes a long way, whatever direction honesty means, even if that direction is something that changes at times.

You said in another thread an experience "devolved you by months." I know about devolving experiences too - agreeing to consider recovery from PD, trying to get help with the $#%^ that happens when you try and find the stuff underneath, and then not being taken seriously by the NHS because you don't display overemotionality, getting therapy, but the therapist being unable to fully assist because she can't even comprehend or correctly interpret my thoughts, actions, or how I relate to the world.

If I have/had any BPD traits they're the least of my worries and I've handled them quite nicely IMO.

For me, experiences of other people acting in ways which may actively harm my life, will they devolve any attempt I make at recovery? Sure. Because without any possibility of personal connections, there is not really much chance of recovery.

I'm sorry if I post like an emotional klutz, its not my intention to upset anyone, I'm just explaining how things are from my end of this type of situation.

Like the cats btw, lol

katana wrote:What's with the cats ? lol

kat! you silly girl. her name is blackcat2. that's 2 cats. they're black. and they're saying 'hi'.

lol

wineaux wrote:hey there!

so...my situation? i've been split permanent ONYX COAL EBONY RAVEN black. totally different circumstances though. you have a great thing going for your situation in that he's (stil) 'liking' things on your FB. when you're done, you're blocked. period. off of FB, out of the phone, out of the mind.

what do i think happened here? happiness. we're not used to it, we're afraid of it and we can't handle it. it's an instant trigger to want to pull back and run when we're offered something that may make all of the pain go away. the issue of abandonment comes forth like a tidal wave. the thoughts of happiness and euphoria are darkened by the 'realism' of the imminent - erasure. it's never a question of will you leave...it's WHEN you'll leave. we're programmed that way. it's i'll run first because i have to hurt you before you hurt me. may i ask if he's had a serious relationship before??

Hello!

I'm really sorry to hear that!! Even though my thing doesn't seem to be ended still it's very painful...I can just imagine how you felt.

This might be a bit lenghty. But I'm anxious about this so gotta write it down. He doesn't like every single thing I do on facebook. In fact, only one photo album and a thing from yesterday. Now this is going to sound a bit paranoid. Yesterday what he liked is a funny picture saying "before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assoles". I shared the pic from a borderline support page. First I was happy about his like then I got stressed... cause sometimes he said I look completely normal to him. But much more times he said we are the same. So now I've been thinking maybe he's thinking I'm normal and I self-diagnosed and I'm wrong and ridicolous. I know it sounds paranoid...

He didn't talk much about his relationships. A long time ago he had a girl who I think was important to him. He looked upset when he mentioned her. I don't know what happened there exactly but he said she got married later. Then he mentioned a girl, they had casual relationship. But the girl wanted a proper relationship and when he refused the girl got out of control and followed him etc. Then now for about five years he had a girl who is one of his flatmates actually. They had open relationship which was more like a close friendship. He ended it not long ago, now he's single.

So you think he ran away from happiness. I can well believe that. He looked very happy with me. And he talked a lot about this life but not one part seemed happy to me. He's very insecure...and I was surprised how freely he expressed all his insercurities to me. Then he said he couldn't believe he told me all that cause he never told anyone before. Another thing could be that he may have been scared that I wouldn't end my long term relationship. Regardless I told him I wanted to move out and took steps that proved my intention.

I wish I could take back my reaction to his email when he said he didn't feel anything about me and that he didn't want a relationship. I was out of mind in pain and made that stupid list about where he acted confusing..and I said because of him I can't trust anyone including myself. My closing line was I'm gone...Probably he interpreted this as I was terminating contact with him. Not true. I was gonna terminate myself cause I was thinking I couldn't deal with the pain. Then I stayed alive.

I miss him everyday!!

-- Thu Aug 23, 2012 4:51 pm --

katana wrote:I don't split people but once they prove I can't trust them, it takes proof to earn any trust I might have achieved back, and there is nothing anyone can do about that but work on things(their own, not getting me to trust them.) and take time. Where possible, honesty goes a long way, whatever direction honesty means, even if that direction is something that changes at times.

That's me. Usually...but regarding this guy, it's different. Because I know it's not his intention to hurt me. It's BPD and he's in pain too. Actually shortly after we first met, he said he would never want to hurt me.

wineaux wrote:what do i think happened here? happiness. we're not used to it, we're afraid of it and we can't handle it. it's an instant trigger to want to pull back and run when we're offered something that may make all of the pain go away.

You've got to realise no relationship (or anything else) is the cure to the pain.
The bad news? Right now, in the short term, whatever pain is at the bottom of your problems, whatever PD people have, and whether you experience that pain directly most of the time or not, the pain will not go away.

Right now, the reality is that its there. First step is to accept that and feel it fully. Only when you feel it fully can you come to terms with it, overcome it, and become stronger. I'm wondering if when I say stuff like that I might be risking sounding like some self-help obsessed person or something, but I don't mean it that way so before any people treat that paragraph like an lolcat, that's not how i meant it, lol.

I mean it to apply with all sorts, and to PD in general, from a practical perspective (actually helping yourself,) not a self-help obsessed one, lol.

The reason people with too much unresolved $#%^ inside walk away from what they perceive as happiness or success is because internally they're not ready for it in some way, and they can't have it fully cause there's too much other $#%^ rattling around in there(whether its all-over-the-place emotion at surface level, or repressed pain covered by other things). Trying to fight that and deny it doesn't work.

blackcat2 wrote:then I got stressed... cause sometimes he said I look completely normal to him. But much more times he said we are the same. So now I've been thinking maybe he's thinking I'm normal and I self-diagnosed and I'm wrong and ridicolous. I know it sounds paranoid...

Self diagnosis has to be independent of others to qualify as self dx, lol. People have managed to sway my opinion in the past by swaying my opinion of disorders I was not as well educated on as them at the time(For example, I'd never even heard of BPD until I saw it on this forum.), but when you're aware what's what, understand PD, have spoken to other people who have it, etc. you have to look at your own mind, your own feelings, your own life. Traits also mix all over the place.

I tend to find other people sometimes appear to jump around the place thinking "she's got this! no that! no, there's nothing wrong with her!" - it does annoy me, but I have to try to remember to keep my cool and understand whatever is going on at their end, that's their problem, and losing my temper isn't going to do me any favours (especially if they're doing it to wind me up) - and won't do them any either if they're mental jumping all over the place and the last thing they need is me kicking off.

This is also where being surrounded by arseholes comes in - when it comes to interpersonal stuff, are your problems to do with particular people? Do you constantly choose people to be around who cause you problems, do all people cause problems for you in some way, or is it situational?

blackcat2 wrote:-- Thu Aug 23, 2012 4:51 pm --

katana wrote:I don't split people but once they prove I can't trust them, it takes proof to earn any trust I might have achieved back, and there is nothing anyone can do about that but work on things(their own, not getting me to trust them.) and take time. Where possible, honesty goes a long way, whatever direction honesty means, even if that direction is something that changes at times.

That's me. Usually...but regarding this guy, it's different. Because I know it's not his intention to hurt me. It's BPD and he's in pain too. Actually shortly after we first met, he said he would never want to hurt me.

Ahh ok, well I guess everyone's situation is personal.

What I described isn't very BPD. Its applying principle in both an overly rigid and sometimes flippant way at the same time as being easily defensive and generally harsher on others than most would be, at the same time as usually being extremely uninvolved about it. Its survival focused, not interpersonally emotionally focused.

In my case, I've seen people purposefully try to wind me up, lol. But all people with PD are in pain at some level, and there's often a mix of intentional and unintentional behaviour and confusion, projection etc, - and people needing to identify one way or another.

But the facts remain that whether they want to hurt you or not, there's always a reason at the base of it all. The way I see it, like people or don't like them, but draw the line and letting them screw you around.

If I am trying to treat them with decency, I try to exercise self-control and I don't give a rats arse which PD they have, because I understand a lot more about PD first hand than the dumbass nons moralistic public and fickle NHS who take judgemental attitudes. (Not to say all nons are dumbass, I'm talking about the ones who are, lol.)