How do you guys deal?! *MAY TRIGGER*

It's so difficult to do this. Like, everyday I can feel my borderline getting worse... as my brain is still developing at 20, It's literally getting worse; My behaviors, my anger, my impulsiveness, my self destructive behaviors... I feel like I'm literally batshit insane, I can't control where my emotions go, and I just go crazy. Last night I took like 7500 MG of painkillers and then regretted after my mom was crying for another reason (She didn't know I took them, I kept it a secret, so I then went and vomited for 20 minutes to make sure I didn't kill my kidneys and ultimately myself).

My anxiety is far too horrible to work, I'm super low functioning, I don't enjoy my life, I'm trying so hard to get a relationship of some sort to try and find something that will make me feel passion again... I just can't cope and I keep making things worse. My suicidal ideation is working overdrive and I just feel so torn. I'm ambivalent about life... I hate it, but at the same time I love certain things about it.

How do you guys cope? For people who are doing well right now- what is your advice? What can I do possibly to get myself not to be so insane? I'd like to start feeling sort of happy again... but I feel like it's such a unrealistic thing now.