Faces *triggytriggytriggy*

[Written afterwards] I don't know what this is, but I guess it gave itself a chance to speak in this post. I am currently not able to tell anyone including therapist, psychologist or anyone else because I forget it. It just says *ping* and it's gone, leaving me looking myself crazy for it... It seems to flash out alot, as of what I can recall I wrote it in like 20 minutes. I am well educated about dissociation and stuff, but I do not take things for granted, so I would need some factual inspection of it's elements, wether it would grant any clearsight or not. And yes, as of what I know, this is daily, hourly or whatever. And yes. It's q.u.i.t.e. annoying. I would like to put it in a oven leaving it roasting off to a spicy chili sauce. Not happening, obviously. It's just killing my time right now, literally speaking. But anyway, it's real, not me playing tag with others here. I would appreciate any help, even though I'll probably break things in one way or another soon enough... I'm way too tired to care about consequences right now.

~~~~

I am currently blunting my whole life for the accusation of not giving me an answer. I want to have someone tell me what's right and wrong, and I want that same someone to tell all the people not doing it right that they are doing it wrong. I am close to blow up my mind after years of people telling me what I do wrong. I am 24 years old now. They should not tell me what.the.###$.to.do. I see the ambivalence in this. The one blaming others cannot take what's wrong. I can. I have been. People are stupid to tell me what they figure out in a 50 years while wanking their socks off to their #######5, contained, ~cute~ little minds as they do not obviously see what I figured out years ago. They judge, mistreat, INTRUDE, do not care, live their own puppydawg I'ma-too-much-of-a-perfect-one blingbling screwyou-mode, while saying I should smile for them.

[Breaking the anger]: Oh wait, ah yes, this is my anger saying what it want to say as it is irrational. Cute. Charming... Well, why would this ever serve itself anything properly adressed for anyone to care? Of course they don't care. You are talking jibberish, do not. Have you slept? Have you eaten? Oh, don't whine. You are saying these blahblahs because your brain chemistry is not right at the moment. There's a wrong for you. Oh, oops, did I say that? My sorry, I am really not a bad person. I wouldnt want to hurt you, but you have to admit you do make it hard for me to take care of you.

Do not talk to it. It does not want you to talk to it, and it does not want to talk. It suffers, and need closing. Silent closing. Not talk. Go away. You are not helping. Let dead souls rush their own pace, or stay away.

Wow, I never imagined one could be so stupid? I mean, how do you do that? I am truly stunned. Numb. Should I tell you do cool down? Ya, well, I want to, but you'll probably end up dating that anger of yours again, aint that so? Gloating? Nah, that's childsplay. For kiddos like yourself. Lets just take this barbeque sauce on the meat and have a good time. Look! Sun is shining. This is how it works, really... Working, sleeping, eating and just have a good time. Do you wanna go fish tomorrow? If I wanna fish? Nah, I'm not that very in to it, but I just thought that you might wanted to go there. I can do that for you, you know. As long as we can be home within a couple of hours, you need to do your homework. Do you have your fishing gear? Well, where is it then?

SHUT YOUR ######6 GODDAMN FAXCE, I NEVER WANNA ######6 SEE YOU AGAIN. HOW CAN YOU DO THIS TO ME?=!!?! I JUST TRY TO CONNECT WITH YOU FOR BLOODIE'S SAKE. HOW CAN YOU JUST TREAT ME LIKE A CHILD NEEDING CONSTANT SUPERVISIION. I AM NOT A CHILD, I JUST WANT YOU TO LIKE ME. HOW COULD YOU EVER THINK OF GETTING BIRTH TO ME??! HOW COULD YOU NOT SEE A CHILD NEED EMOTIOINAL REGULATION?! I SWEAR TO GOD, I WILL MAKE YOU WATCH ME SHOOT MY HEAD OFF SOMETIME. THEN MAYBE YOU'LL REALIZE HOW ######6 WRONG YOU DID ME.

I wanna cry. I so do want to cry. I would give my life for one more time crying. I miss feeling that crying made everything feel like a overload of what is right and wrong. I miss feeling that I deserved to cry. I don't. I have nothing to blame me crying for. As of the amnesia, since I now remember that I cried last time a week ago. I just remember that I cried, not why, not when, not in any recognizable surroundings. Not as of why I would've cried. As I cannot recall it, it doesnt matter.

Okay, just wanna say that I adore the way you write. Your writing voice is really...I don't know. Distinct? Interesting? Yo no se, but you've got a gift. Felt some emotional twinges in my stomach, yup yup. The chili sauce bit was enjoyable too.

I'm sorry, but I have nothing to contribute outside of that. :C I don't know anything about dissociation really.

Hi...the block-lettered part looks like a super-ego talking. The super-ego develops during our childhood to protect the actual egos of ours as the normal personalities of ours couldn't handle the pressure. The super-ego is protective, strong, and angry as it seems here. I think you could bring it up with your therapist. It's not a sign of MPD either...

arfin25 wrote:Hi...the block-lettered part looks like a super-ego talking. The super-ego develops during our childhood to protect the actual egos of ours as the normal personalities of ours couldn't handle the pressure. The super-ego is protective, strong, and angry as it seems here. I think you could bring it up with your therapist. It's not a sign of MPD either...

Which part are you speaking of? The caps locked?

i have dpd and dr
and when i am dissociated i write things a lot like what you have written
i think that you should keep a journal that you try to remember to write in every time you're dissociated
then eventually give it to a psychologist so they can help you

(:

arfin25 wrote:Hi...the block-lettered part looks like a super-ego talking. The super-ego develops during our childhood to protect the actual egos of ours as the normal personalities of ours couldn't handle the pressure. The super-ego is protective, strong, and angry as it seems here. I think you could bring it up with your therapist. It's not a sign of MPD either...

Meh. Freudian doo-dads. While I don't really care too much for Freudian psychology, I would bet money that the caps-locked text is the Id. The super-ego strives to act in a socially appropriate manner, it controls our right and wrong. Guilt. The Id wants instant gratification acting according to the pleasure principle. Sometimes that's a - "Ohhhh cooookies! *omnomnomnom*" other times it's avoiding pain/displeasure. Other times it's just yelling back at the world. The Id is all about impulse.


Anyway, Svion. I agree with the others. Keep on writing when you dissociate like this. TELL YOUR THERAPIST/PSYCHOLOGIST/PDOC. I cannot stress that enough. Do they know you dissociate like this? If not, tell them. They'll help you - but you have to be honest with them. Hell, show them this if you have to. Just tell a professional, k? <3

I only dissociate under extreme stress/anxiety but it isn't anything like what you're experiencing so I can't really offer much advice. Mine is sort of like everything gets really foggy; a thin obscuring veil between me and the rest of the world. Everything is plastic. I tend to remember the event as well. I'm sorry I couldn't offer more advice.

I have given him the text. He roughly watched it through and started asking questions and seemed truly doubtful of my objectives towards the context of memory balance with it. He was, by that point, a truly melt-down enemy for me. Now, he is just another brick of society doomed to have me around him, and vice versa. Next time I guess I will have to socialize with him again. But hey, he'll be my hero, nightingale orchard mower, pitbull with spring make-up or whatever feeder santa my mind would use to conceal anything better explained times and times over before next meeting. As of my own conscious issue with this is my obvious lack of interest to it's relation to mental health. Or wait, is it.

Hah. My sorry, off topic on the run. We talked in conclusion to his judgement about faces sporting the meaning of self-destructivity. How close to hollow it's foundations with happy/ sad points itself, and why one would go there, if not for testing the life to finally start sometime soon. As if "born" is delayed by timelessness and waiting to take the next step, with strict interference restrictions to others. It confuses me, but taints me to embrace it's existance.

I would say smelling the bad-o in the air that I'm breathing is to put my "anxiety issues" lightly. But mind me, I am telling myself to be good in hope of clearance with this. Let's hope it works.