Everyone woman I fall for ends up changing their number

**just gonna lock this topic since it's a duplicate**

When I initially lost my virginity at the age of 19 (I was a late bloomer) to a girl, we started dating. I was 19 living on my own, struggling from job to job and trying to make ends meet. She came from affluent an affluent family with a net worth of $40+ million dollars. We met at a friends' dinner party and kicked off from there. We dated for about 3-4 months until she dumped me due to an argument we had. To me it seemed like the end of the world. I cried, called her and begged her, just to find out she was already with another guy two weeks later (she was 19 so it is not uncommon). I took this harshly and tried to off myself with pills unsuccessfully. I just ended up in the hospital for a week. She changed her number for obvious reasons and that was that. I was the "crazy" guy to everyone around that we knew and her and felt like I had to rebuild my life. I just thought it was my first girlfriend and the more women I meet I'll get better.

My next "serious" girlfriend I met about a year later. I was looking for a real job which I found a month into dating her. We dated for 3-4 months until she dumped me for another guy, but lied about it. I was creeping through her phone and figured out it was another guy before she even dumped me. I took this as betrayal and as if it was the worst thing that had ever happened to me. I blew up her phone hundreds times a day to annoy her and argue, until she changed her number as well. However, she came back a couple of months later and we led a turbulent relationship for another 2 years (on and off) until it ended with the police getting involved and her changing her number again and running for the hills. A year later we talked and became friends and we actually talk now frequently whenever I am having one of my episodes with a girl that I was recently involved with. She tried to guide me and clear the mug over my head on my behavior and it's also nice to have a shoulder to cry on. Especially, from someone who had experienced my cries and wrath first hand for a long time.

This brings me to the latest girl I've met at the end of January this year. Let's call her X. We are both in our late 20s. She is a beautiful American born-puerto rican mixed brunette, with breast implants, and just drop dead gorgeous. She used to go-go at clubs and bartend for a living. We met in the club scene since I go out quite a bit and my friend has known her for years. We bumped into her and her girlfriend while at one of the clubs and just bar hopped that night. We didn't click at first and she was kind of shy and awkward so I felt like she didn't like me. We all started hanging out in groups and she liked this other friend of my friend's. However, after she realized he didn't want to date anyone seriously she completely cut him out and stopped talking to him. This is where her and I kicked off.

We started hanging out more and she held out for a bit but eventually I was able to get her in the sack. We slept a few more times during that week and she basically "trapped" me. Saying "I don't usually sleep around and we can't continue doing this". Basically, she wanted to know where she stands with me. She told me she held out cause she likes me and she is not that kind of girl to just sleep around with someone without clarification. So I cut out this other girl I was seeing and started dating X exclusively for about another two months until it ended at the end of May. During the time we went from being friends to dating there were a few things I did wrong. I treated her casually. She even said I treat her like one of my guy friends. This was cause I didn't really know where we at so when I'd meet her out in public I just treated her like a friend. After that comment I tried to be more affectionate in public and hold her hand and stuff.

She also said I was to flirtatious one time when we went out. There were just a lot of attractive women that I knew (some that I had slept with) that night and I just said "hello" and kissed them on the cheek. I never thought I was flirtatious, I am just friendly person. This made her jealous. On another night we were out she said she feels conflicted with the fact that I made out with most of my female friends. These things kind of irked me, but I didn't say anything about it except say that is in the past and that I flirt naturally without noticing perhaps. On a few occasions that I would meet her with her only girlfriend and some of her girlfriends cousins, she would act awkward around them and my friends. The second or third time it happened I called her out on it and even asked her what the deal was. She didn't explain and I told her I am going to end it with her. She begged me not too and I didn't. I really didn't want to end it. I guess it was my "$#%^" test to her to see how much she is willing to take of my BPD. The second time I did that she got pissed and didn't beg...However, we made up the next day. One time somewhere in between I told her I didn't want a girlfriend, but I already had feelings for her. This obviously upset her and she even went home by herself leaving me at the bar.

She dumped at the end of May after we tried to have dinner and make up after a small argument the day before. I came back from a business trip and we met a restaurant. After many drinks there and me trying to communicate with her she just sat there and listened. Never saying anything. This wasn't the first time I tried to communicate with her and she would just stand there as a mute without a response. We went our separate ways when the restaurant closed, but on the way home she texted me asking to come over. I didn't respond until 12 hours later because I was upset. By this time she was already on roadtrip with her girlfriend for her friend's birthday.

This is when things went haywire completely. She dumped me while out of town by saying "don't sweat it. it is over". I felt crushed. I felt like my whole world just tumbled. I called, texted, and pleaded until she came back. However, this needy and petulant behavior scared her off. She went from talking to me on FB messenger for a couple of days to telling me I have threw a lot of red flags with my texts, calls, and then backing it up by telling her about my past, my BPD, and why she has been feeling like I have been pushing her away. I was pushing her away because I know I have BPD and I am scared. I was scared that it will end up in a disaster...which it did this week. My texting and calling pushed her away even further. She is the type of person that doesn't communicate well and holds grudges forever and I am looking for answers right away and resolution because I can't deal with being away from my partner. After two months of me begging and pleading she decided to start talking to me again 3 weeks ago.

I came back from vacation. Which I spent professing my eternal love to her and how much I want to be with her even as just friends. After I came back I spent about 3 days during the 10-14 days we were talking again. Helping her move-in into her new apartment. Everything in her little studio was built by my hands. No one else helped her. After the last day we hung out, she put my friends and I on the guestlist at place she bartends at so we didn't have to pay cover. We hungout there all night and had a blast. She served my friends and I just roamed the place all night. This is where $#%^ got really weird. The next day I woke up still a bit drunk. My friends and I met up for brunch and continued drinking. Please note, this is the happiest I have been during these two weeks we've been talking and hanging out again since she dumped me. The two months before that were complete mess of obsessing and dwelling.

I texted her a few times asking her to come have lunch, but she sleeps in late. Eventually, I get a text back saying "Dude, I am exhausted leave me alone". I felt like it was rude and texted her with "Why are you being so rude to me right now? Do you talk like that to everyone that cares about you?" I get another response "You're annoying. Leave me alone". This is where I lost my mind. I am a bit drunk. It's about 2-3pm and I keep texting her asking her what is her problem and why she being this way until I get last response "As of tomorrow you will no longer be able to contact me". I asked why and she said "cause all of your texts". I texted a million times until the next evening I finally got these responses.


"I am done. I tried to be your friend, but you get drunk and cross lines. I don't have feelings for you and I like someone else"

This was pretty much it. She went ahead and blocked me on Instagram (i was already blocked on FB for a month at this point). I've beat my head against the wall and tired to figure out what "lines I had crossed" That night we hungout at her workplace I ended up drunk texting her and asking her to snuggle and telling her I love her. Nothing out of the ordinary. I said much more while I was on vacation when she initially started talking to me again on the day I was coming back. She also lied about seeing anyone. She spent every single day off she had with me and continues to sit home on her days off by herself now. We have mutual friends and I know she isn't seeing anyone.

From that point forward I started texting her and calling her until she said "I am going to a lawyer if you don't stop blowing up my phone". She threatened me this way a month prior as well when I'd call her about 50 times in a row to annoy her due to lack of her communication and explanation (I know I shouldn't and it's a problem I have. I can't keep my finger of the redial button). I stopped calling her, but the texts still flowed from me until the beginning of this week where I got pissed again and called her 100 times on Monday (with her rejecting my calls) and another 50 on Tuesday. I was completely livid. On Tuesday she ended up changing her number and telling our mutual friend she is close to calling the cops if I try to communicate with her any other way. I blew up her phone cause I would text her begging for explanation and trying to make sense of it all and she would never respond. I was so hurt (still am) and I just couldn't fathom why she would break my heart all over again and act this way after accepting me back into her life and having me help her move-in. I felt used and abused, but I don''t think she is the type of person to use someone like that. It can't be that simple. All my texts were just me again professing my feelings and asking what had I done wrong? Why would she treat me this way? Can she please explain herself and give me a reason? So on and so on.

So here I am with another girl changing her number on me because I couldn't keep my finger of the redial button trying to get a reaction out of her. I am left broken, confused, and ashamed at my behavior now. I have to live with the fact that another one thinks I am psychotic and what not. I've had bouts of some serious suicidal thought again. More than usual. Much more. I've actually looked at the cost of guns at sporting goods stores and helium tanks. I dont have the courage to go through with it, but when I start thinking what have I done and what I am to her now I start again. This is why I pushed her away. I pushed her away because I know I have BPD. I know that at the first fight I will get the silent treatment for a day or two and I will go from being this charming "amazing guy" to a needy, desperate, red flag of a guy. This is why I hurt her initially because I didn't want to skew her perception of me. From "OMG, he is amazing" to "he is psycho I am changing my number". I self-sabotage myself.

The past 6 weeks I have been seeking therapy, but I got every two weeks because my co-pay is $65 dollars and it get's pricey going every week. I picked up a DBT book that I barely read because I've been to depressed. I've lost 15lbs in the last 8-10 weeks. I've had numerous opportunities with in between that I either declined and just shared a bed with because I wanted to snuggle. But I lost interest in sex tbh due to all this stress I inflict on myself. I've spent a lot of time reading on BPD forums and scientific research on people that have BPD and how our brain never developed adult coping skills.

As many of you, I have had traumatic separation at childhood. My mother and father had an abusive relationship until my mother ran away from him. Then a couple of months later while living with her and her new man she ran to she literally kicked me off the bus saying she is leaving town and running away from everyone including me (I was 9 years old at the time). I was holding on the her leg crying and begging her not to leave me as she got up the stairs to the bus and shook me off with her leg like I was some dog. I walked to a friends house to cry to his mother and she told me to go to my dad. I went to my dad who lived with my grandmother. My mother apparently went looking for me that same day, but the damage was done. I stayed with my father and chose to live with him. He got my custody through court and I refused to see my mother. The courts made me too through social workers, but I detested her. I lived with my father until I the age of 14. In the summer of 1999 I watched my father die on the couch from stroke. I wanted to call the ambulance because he wasn't feeling well, but he asked me not to because we don't have any money. He promised me he will be okay, even though he told he never felt this bad before. Moments after he went into shock. It was just the two of us in our townhouse. I called the ambulance and watched them stick adrenaline shots and defibrillator to no success. They pronounced him dead on our living room floor around 4pm.

From that point on I went to a boarding school because I refused to be with my mother. As the new kid at school who was suffering from post traumatic disorder watching your only parent die was difficult. I got bullied by older kids and hazed often until I got accepted. During this time was the first time in my life I thought about suicide. Fast things forward, I left school and lived from friends to friends at the age of 15 until I moved to the US and adopted by my uncle (my dad's brother) at the age of 16. I was a pretty troubled kid and very intervened. Which to me was odd since before the death of my father I was always the clown of the class and played a lot of different sports. I was quite popular in school.

All these range of emotions I felt as a child and dealt with abandonment are now projected onto my partners at the first sign of perceived or real threat of losing them. This makes me look down-right crazy. I am not obviously and people that suffer from this know what I am talking about. Down inside I am a hurt little kid that is so hurt and scared and all I am trying to do is reach out to my partner not to abandon me. All these frantic attempts though make me look emotional and crazy at times because acting as a child in a grown-man's body is not cute.

I realized I have BPD last November. I self-diagnosed, but then went to two different therapists who confirmed my belief. This is my story. Thank you for reading.

TL:DR: I push away women I care about so they will always see me as an amazing guy. When I let them in it ends up with threats of a restraining order and them changing their number.