Jealousy

My mother tells me that ever since I was a kid, I was very observant of my parents' behaviour, especially toward my sister. The minute I felt my sister got the slightest advantage over me - a hug that lasted a little longer, a new toy, a sweet word - I was anxious to get it too. I was heavily concerned that I wouldn't get the same treatment, and very worried that every little thing my sister got that I didn't meant they loved her more than me. She tells me that I was very scared that my parents loved my sister more than me.

I still have that today. Just the other day, my mom had to pass by my sister and she rubbed her back in comfort and I instinctively perked up and felt this intense sadness, that feeling of being worthless. My mom recognised it, even told me not to be jealous.

I have it with my best friend too. I absolutely hate it when she spends time with her other friend. I hate this other friend. I can't stand her. I can't stand to hear N (my best friend) talk about her. I hate it when she spends time with her, and then when she finally gets back to me, she's so busy doing other things. I immediately feel like she makes so much time for her other friend but any minute is too much to give to me. I always feel like her other friend gets way more leeway, she gets away with pulling way more crap and my friend just forgives her and even reaches out to her when I feel she doesn't do that for me. I get punished immediately. Every little thing is enough for me to feel jealous, unwanted and unloved.

It's so exhausting. Everything is a competition. I want to do everything better, so my family and my friend will love me most, even though I feel like I don't deserve their love and I don't understand why they love me at all in the first place. The jealousy is always there, lurking around the corner. It makes me feel so sad, anxious, desparate, worthless, unwanted, unloved, hollow.

Does anyone recognise this? Has anyone here overcome their jealousy? How did you do it?

I'm not sure how to overcome it exactly haven't mastered that skill yet but i just want you to know you're not alone. I have this same problem especially with my best friend and a friend of hers i see a lot of us in you and your friend as well. Its hard a lot of times liken now i get so upset and usually end up going off on my friend and swearing I'm done with her but we're usually ok afterwards i know she's the one person i could never lose but its hard.

Alexander1507 wrote:My mother tells me that ever since I was a kid, I was very observant of my parents' behaviour, especially toward my sister. The minute I felt my sister got the slightest advantage over me - a hug that lasted a little longer, a new toy, a sweet word - I was anxious to get it too. I was heavily concerned that I wouldn't get the same treatment, and very worried that every little thing my sister got that I didn't meant they loved her more than me. She tells me that I was very scared that my parents loved my sister more than me.

Hi Alexander,

I apologize ahead of time for the long post....but it is a complicated issue.


Its perfectly normal to want to be important to someone, especially a parent.
I also think that its very normal to want to be treated equally, and again with parents and siblings I think this desire for equality becomes even more important.

A parent is supposed to love their children and accept them unconditionally.
That idea seems nice in a perfect world, but the world is not perfect and neither are all parents.

From what you say I understand that you feel jealous.
Everyone feels jealous sometimes. Its a normal emotion. And it has a purpose.
In relationships with friends and family, it points to the desire EVERYONE has to feel important and to be treated equally.
In a romantic relationship it points more to the desire to feel important, but it can also have to do with equality.

None of these values are wrong or bad.
Wanting to feel important to a loved one is something that we should be able to feel. After all that is what love is.....being important to someone.
Its also very good to have a value of fairness in life.

So all the things your jealousy points to are good values. Nothing wrong with them.

Jealousy is how you FEEL. And these are the VALUES behind that feeling.
When you feel jealous, its your minds way of saying: I need to feel important and I need equality.
So when you feel jealous it means your mind is questioning if you are getting what you need in the moment. AGAIN....there is nothing wrong with needing either of these things. We ALL need them.

Inside you your mind is doing this:
I need to feel important
I need equality
I FEEL jealous which makes me wonder.....
Am I being treated like I am important and am I being treated fairly?

This is when you need to STOP and evaluate the SITUATION.
The FEELING has to do with YOU. I need to feel important and I need equality. This is always true and always good and always right.

HOWEVER sometimes the situation which brings these feelings to you can be either right or wrong.

So you have to stop at this point, evaluate the situation and determine if you are right in thinking you are not being considered important or fairly.

As I mentioned, in a perfect world all parents would treat ALL their children as if they are equally important.
But its NOT a perfect world and not all parents do. This is a fact for some parents. NOT all parents are unfair to their children, but SOME are.

I had a narcissistic mother. Its VERY common in narcissist households for one child to be the scapegoat and another to be a golden child. Its a VERY unfair situation.

The thing is this.....given YOUR situation, only YOU can determine if this feeling you have inside is true or not given the circumstances. And because you feel jealousy so accutely I urge you to go back to some childhood situations where you recall feeling jealous and RE-EVALUATE them.

Its good for you to do this because as children we often dont have the same level of understanding or reasoning that we have as adults. That means that as a child you may have felt jealous, but you misunderstood the situation OR it can mean that you had very good reason to FEEL jealous but your parent DEVALUED your feeling ( told you you werent right even though you were right given the situation)

I had to do this in my own childhood.

My parents ALWAYS said they loved my sister and I EQUALLY.
HOWEVER I did not FEEL this inside.

But since I had to live with them, I tried to accept what they said as TRUTH.

When I became an adult I decided to look back with my adult thinking and reasoning and figure out if my parents were being honest with me.

I recalled many events where my sister got things that I didnt get.

She didnt have to work in HS. I did.
She got lavish gifts. I didnt.
She got a brand new car given to her.
I had to work for my own car.
She was supported in all her endevours. I was not.

My list could go on and on.
What I noticed was this:
My parents SAID one thing
But their ACTIONS said something COMPLETELY different.

When someones WORDS and ACTIONS do NOT match it means they are LYING.

So I came to understand that *I* was not wrong. I was being treated unfairly.
I had a good reason to feel jealous and it was justified.

I did NOT , however, blame my sister. SHE did not have anything to do with the behavior of my parents. It was not her choice to have things this way. It was their choice to act this way.
My sister took the good things given to her, but who wouldnt???

What I learned was that to my parents, I was not as important as my sister.
But I also learned MANY other things about my parents, which when I also take those things into consideration, make their actions understandable. It does not mean that I condone their actions or their unfair treatment, it means that I accept that my parents are not perfect and that I need to CREATE fairness for myself in life.

Basically what I am saying is this:
If I want FAIRNESS. I know my parents are never going to give it to me.
So I dont go to them for fairness.
If I WANT fairness I go to people who treat me fairly ( their ACTIONS and WORDS match, we give and take equally)

In this way I can have fairness.
And I talk about this and sound fine, but way back then when I discovered this, I was not fine at all.
Who would be fine with parents like this? Its a huge emotional blow.

AT the same time I know now, that my parents unfairness is NOT about me.
Its about THEM.
They are not open to people who are different. They fear them. ( I dont)
They are not open to new things or to new ideas or to questioning their own ideas and beliefs.( I am open)
None of this is about me. Its about them wanting me to be someone I am not.
I am not like them.
I am not UNFAIR and I am OPEN to learning about or accepting things which are different then I am.
And when I understand this, I know their unfairness is about them and not me.

I still have that today. Just the other day, my mom had to pass by my sister and she rubbed her back in comfort and I instinctively perked up and felt this intense sadness, that feeling of being worthless. My mom recognised it, even told me not to be jealous.

Here is where it might help to look at your past and ask yourself: are my parents really fair to me? Have I misunderstood something or are they just unfair parents?

I have it with my best friend too. I absolutely hate it when she spends time with her other friend. I hate this other friend. I can't stand her. I can't stand to hear N (my best friend) talk about her. I hate it when she spends time with her, and then when she finally gets back to me, she's so busy doing other things. I immediately feel like she makes so much time for her other friend but any minute is too much to give to me. I always feel like her other friend gets way more leeway, she gets away with pulling way more crap and my friend just forgives her and even reaches out to her when I feel she doesn't do that for me. I get punished immediately. Every little thing is enough for me to feel jealous, unwanted and unloved.

With parents, the jealousy you feel now may relate to past experiences. But with friends, it is ONLY about the situation which is happening NOW.

You still need to stop and ask if your jealousy is JUSTIFIED or true for the situation.

FRIENDS can ALSO be unfair. Have you ever heard the term FAIR WEATHER FRIEND?
This means they are ONLY there for you when they think someone better is not around.

We have all had this type of friend in life. If your friend is like this, then I would let them go.
There are plenty of people out there who can and would treat you fairly and appreciate who you are.

Something to consider is this.
If you HAD to put up with unfairness as a child from your parents.
Its possible you choose friends like this because its all you have ever known.

No one deserves these kinds of friends though. And they will hurt you more then help you. The very nature of their actions is unfairness and that is abusive.

Let me ask you something...
When you are around this friend....do you always think to yourself:
I want her to like me. I want her to think I am important!
I want her to spend time with me!

BUT

Do you ever ask yourself this:
Do I like HER?
Do I want someone so unfair in my life?
Does she deserve MY fairness when she is not giving me fairness in return?
Do I deserve to be treated unfairly?
Isnt she lucky to have a friend like you who IS fair?
Does she appreciate the fact that you value fairness?
Does she appreciate your kindness or openess or the fact that you are different then her other friends?

If not why do you want her in your life?
You should be evaluating HER for her suitability in YOUR life instead of settling for someone who is unfair to you.
She is no different then anyone else. INCLUDING YOU
She is not better then anyone else. INCLUDING YOU
Why does her opinion of you matter more to you then your own?
Who the hell is she to know what is good or important? She doesnt even know what fairness is!

Or you may find that when you re-evaluate the situation, it only SEEMS on the surface that she was being unfair. Maybe she really does give you and the other person equal time and consideration.
ONLY YOU can know this. Only you can judge it. But you have to examine it closely to see if what you feel is true for the situation.

I hope this helps. You deserve people in your life who are fair.
You are as good as anyone else and as deserving as they are.
You have just as much to give as anyone else.
There are people who will appreciate you for who you are and the things you have to give.
THOSE are the people it is good to invest in.
It is a waste of your time to invest in people who do not value the things you value.

I'd like to be able to give some decent advice, but I'm too much of an emotional retard to have ever had to deal with that sort of jealousy. The closest I've come was when I was made into a fat lump in my teens and another girl was pretty, happy, enjoying life with others, moving on, where I was moving into nothing as always, lol. I know what feeling unwanted and unloved feels like though. Went there as a child and realised I was, and that it wasn't changing, lol.

I've found when I feel resentful towards my parents for treating me badly, it usually turns out that they did somehow. I guess my answer would be figuring out why you feel so bad about yourself in the first place, and maybe you weren't given as much attention as you should have been, or your sister really was preferred in some way.

What This End Up said about parents insisting they loved you equally is true in my experience, if parents are relating to you unhealthily, they'll turn it on its head. Most people will come out feeling bad about them self.

When your friend does something that upsets you, you could be interpreting things through feeling unloved and undeserving of love, and interpreting her behaviour as punishment instead of all of the other possible ways it could be seen.

Maybe let her know her behaviour is bothering you somehow and find out what her thoughts/intentions are to check you don't have crossed wires somewhere, it could help to figure out the differences when you are just reacting to feeling like you're being treated unfairly for simple reasons, and when it might be stuff getting transferred from that.

Alexander1507 wrote:
I still have that today. Just the other day, my mom had to pass by my sister and she rubbed her back in comfort and I instinctively perked up and felt this intense sadness, that feeling of being worthless. My mom recognised it, even told me not to be jealous.

Alexander,
I have been thinking about this and I have to say it bothers me.

Because if I put myself in your moms shoes this is what I KNOW I would do.

I would rub my daughters back and think nothing of it. Its not wrong.

I would look at you. If I saw any glint of hurt in you. I would NOT tell you in ANY way that you are wrong, or bad for something you FEEL.

I would SHOW you, you are wrong. I would not say a word at all. I would go up to you and rub your back or hug you or give you some other sign of affection to prove with my actions the way I feel inside.

I would only act like your mom if I wanted to fuk with you and make you feel crazy inside.

She discounted your feelings in my opinion.

So that disturbs me a great deal.

To understand others, we have to understand ourselves first.
I understand that when I speak and act these things need to match in order to be true.

Words without actions are meaningless.

But actions without words speak very clearly, sometimes more clearly then anything else.

So I know what my fair love would look like. And knowing this about myself, I know what your mother is doing is not fair to me.