Can anybody help me work out why I got angry?

I try to be good at recognising my triggers, but I don't know what happened the other night. Can you spot anything?

My husband and I were abroad for a few days. We went for some drinks, then crossed the city we were in to find that the restaurant we wanted to go to was full. It was raining, so we quickly picked another restaurant nearby instead. There were some people sitting at tables outside by the door.

I walked up to the door, pushed it and it didn't open. I felt like a fool and looked round the side to see if there was another door. My husband stood there uselessly doing nothing. I slightly lost it with him, and hissed at him to f-ing "fix this!" He didn't. Somebody inside the restaurant then opened the door and we sat down, but I was in a complete rage with him by this point, and couldn't stand to be near him. I had to take myself away and calm down a bit, and even then the meal was fairly strained.

I can't think what caused this. My behaviour was appalling, and it came out of nowhere. Any ideas?

Thanks

I believe that you felt embarrassed and your husband was not saving you in the situation. The door was a task that you did not accomplish and you panicked and looked around for help. Your husband did not see you needed help without you telling him which caused resentment in you.

I know exactly what caused this. It's a medical term, known as "Borderline Personality Disorder."

The trigger? The door. That's all it takes, sometimes. I've had days where nothing on Earth can trigger me and others where I've gone from happy hippy to Freddy Kruger in 60 milliseconds flat. You were just having one of those days, B. So far, I haven't found any way to avoid those days, because I rarely recognize that I'm having an "edge of sanity" day until I've already crossed over. They're the sneaky days that I really hate. And, like any other big mood, it usually takes me some time to get through it, so I'm not surprised that dinner wasn't overly enjoyable for you.

How're you feeling about it all?

JohnnyBlaze wrote:I know exactly what caused this. It's a medical term, known as "Borderline Personality Disorder."

That gave me a big laugh, thanks.

So far, I haven't found any way to avoid those days, because I rarely recognize that I'm having an "edge of sanity" day until I've already crossed over. They're the sneaky days that I really hate. And, like any other big mood, it usually takes me some time to get through it, so I'm not surprised that dinner wasn't overly enjoyable for you.

There is literally *no* warning, is there? I try to spot what's happening and head things off but I had no chance that time. It was like I left my body, and this ranting harpy stayed in my place.

How're you feeling about it all?

I'm really ashamed. Thinking back I remember feeling really panicked for some reason (because a door wouldn't open ?), and that must have triggered everything, but I'm just really ashamed that something so tiny caused me to behave that way.

Today, i had my outburst. I asked wife if theres any holidays this month and she said it our sons birthday . My outburst was i didnt ask if it was anybodys birthday, And it was in a not so nice tone. My thoughts were what she telling me about birthdays when i iasked about holidays. irrational anger , yes, sudden yes. why. Because my brain doesnt function like other peoples.
So your not alone. For me it worse with strangers though.

Yes

I dont think its got anything to do with your husband.


You judge yourself too harshly.

Project it onto him.

I am an idiot who cant even open a door.
Becomes

He is an idiot who cant even help me open a door.


Projection Projection Projection

Someone put you down as a kid alot? Pick at a lot of little non important things? Make you feel like no matter what you did it was wrong or bad or stupid?

Or maybe they just did everything for you.....their actions basically making you feel like you couldnt do things yourself??

Do borderlines ever laugh at themselves? I mean we are all human. Everyone walks into a door once in a while. Whys it gotta mean you are fatally flawed?

Gotta give yourself permission to be awkward or to just not know stuff sometimes. Its a no win situation to have to do everything perfect all the time.

Lower the bar, step over it....and give yourself permission to be human
Oh and incidentally I would guess that you value bein able to mess up sometimes and its not necessarily a crime against nature! I got that value too. Its a good one...means you appreciate people bein real

From what you've said, it sounds like you were embarrassed by the door incident, your husband didn't help at all and wasn't involved, and therefore he wasn't the one who got embarrassed, so you were angry at him for staying calm and not getting embarrassed.

Or the fact that he wouldn't help you open the door, and in your mind he is supposed to help you with things, supposed to support you and he didn't. Did anything happen before then to make you a little angry? Did he say anything, do anything, a look? It can all be brought up to the surface in a second once something little like the door not opening happens.

Embarrassment is a killer for me. It flashes from shame to self-hating to irritation to annoyance at someone else within a second, so I barely have chance to figure out what on Earth I'm so irritated about.

Like a child, I feel small. I feel small and I expect to be helped.

Yep, it's BPD alright!

Essessareeye wrote:Embarrassment is a killer for me. It flashes from shame to self-hating to irritation to annoyance at someone else within a second, so I barely have chance to figure out what on Earth I'm so irritated about.

Like a child, I feel small. I feel small and I expect to be helped.

Yep, it's BPD alright!

Children are supposed to be helped. But a good parent teaches a child independence. Its a process......a child is helped when its needed and then gradually little by little, a child is given more and more responsibility over their own life. I would not go through a door with a toddler and not hold the door for him. But have you ever seen a parent with an older child in front of a door and the parent says push push....harder! Then the kid turns around and is all proud like hey I opened a door!

Then you see even older kids who push a parent away....no....let me do it. The parents hangs back and lets them do all kinds of things....putting shoes on the wrong feet. Matching plaid skirts with striped shirts. This is a kid breaking free of a parent. WANTING to be responsible for their own lives. WANTING the joy that comes with being independent....wanting to feeling of accomplishment that comes with that.

And you also see mistakes..... Doors in faces.....lids too hard to open.....kids frustrated cause they cant put their legos together so it looks like the picture. A good parent isnt supposed to just let a kid sit with these conflicts. And even worse would be a parent who would put the kid down for not being perfect.

A good parent would say to a kid who cant open a a jar and cries. "ITS OK.....sometimes you NEED HELP......ASK daddy to do it for you." Here a parent is saying......Look I dont expect you to always be able to do everything alone. Sometimes we all NEED help. When you FEEL that way.... ASK FOR IT. But the parent is ALSO telling the child...hey look ....no ones a mindreader. If you need help its YOUR responsibility to ask for it. Cause the reality of life is.....if people keep swooping in to do everything for you....YOU WOULD HATE IT!

And THAT is true. Imagine if everytime you wanted to put your underware on someone swooped in and said here let me help. You would be like, " get off me....I can do it. I dont need you as an appendage!" NOT diving in to help is more common to people because feeling ACCOMPLISHED and COMPETENT feels way better then feeling dependent and needy. Its POLITE to not give unless you are asked to give. DOING for someone when they can do for themselves is often like sending the message...."Oh I think you are an idiot who cant do anything, let me do it!" Even if her husband SAW her struggling.....he is giving her the chance to succeed on her own by regrouping and opening the door or finding a way out of the situation. Unless he was there first....there is no reason for him to assume she cant do it. If hes there frist then its just a matter of logistics. LOL

When you are not a child physically, no one else in the world is gonna see u as one. And if they respect you.....if they think you are capable and competent and every bit as good and equal as they are....then they are going to let you solve your own problem simply so you can have that success at the end.

But you gotta allow yourself to sometimes make blunders. You gotta accept we all do. You gotta see them as normal and ok. You gotta be able to laugh at yourself or at least accept yourself fully enough to not judge yourself for something like that.

No one cares. Really. We all do it. Many more to come will do it. Comedians make a living off of pointing out these human frailties.....what would be sad would be to be in the audience and think a comedian were laughing at you and not with you. To exclude yourself from the rest of humanity by not seeing that we are all the same in this respect, We all make mistakes . Its ok. Its good in fact. It makes you real.

ThisEndUp wrote:

Essessareeye wrote:Embarrassment is a killer for me. It flashes from shame to self-hating to irritation to annoyance at someone else within a second, so I barely have chance to figure out what on Earth I'm so irritated about.

Like a child, I feel small. I feel small and I expect to be helped.

Yep, it's BPD alright!

Children are supposed to be helped. But a good parent teaches a child independence. Its a process......a child is helped when its needed and then gradually little by little, a child is given more and more responsibility over their own life. I would not go through a door with a toddler and not hold the door for him. But have you ever seen a parent with an older child in front of a door and the parent says push push....harder! Then the kid turns around and is all proud like hey I opened a door!

Then you see even older kids who push a parent away....no....let me do it. The parents hangs back and lets them do all kinds of things....putting shoes on the wrong feet. Matching plaid skirts with striped shirts. This is a kid breaking free of a parent. WANTING to be responsible for their own lives. WANTING the joy that comes with being independent....wanting to feeling of accomplishment that comes with that.

And you also see mistakes..... Doors in faces.....lids too hard to open.....kids frustrated cause they cant put their legos together so it looks like the picture. A good parent isnt supposed to just let a kid sit with these conflicts. And even worse would be a parent who would put the kid down for not being perfect.

A good parent would say to a kid who cant open a a jar and cries. "ITS OK.....sometimes you NEED HELP......ASK daddy to do it for you." Here a parent is saying......Look I dont expect you to always be able to do everything alone. Sometimes we all NEED help. When you FEEL that way.... ASK FOR IT. But the parent is ALSO telling the child...hey look ....no ones a mindreader. If you need help its YOUR responsibility to ask for it. Cause the reality of life is.....if people keep swooping in to do everything for you....YOU WOULD HATE IT!

And THAT is true. Imagine if everytime you wanted to put your underware on someone swooped in and said here let me help. You would be like, " get off me....I can do it. I dont need you as an appendage!" NOT diving in to help is more common to people because feeling ACCOMPLISHED and COMPETENT feels way better then feeling dependent and needy. Its POLITE to not give unless you are asked to give. DOING for someone when they can do for themselves is often like sending the message...."Oh I think you are an idiot who cant do anything, let me do it!" Even if her husband SAW her struggling.....he is giving her the chance to succeed on her own by regrouping and opening the door or finding a way out of the situation. Unless he was there first....there is no reason for him to assume she cant do it. If hes there frist then its just a matter of logistics. LOL

When you are not a child physically, no one else in the world is gonna see u as one. And if they respect you.....if they think you are capable and competent and every bit as good and equal as they are....then they are going to let you solve your own problem simply so you can have that success at the end.

But you gotta allow yourself to sometimes make blunders. You gotta accept we all do. You gotta see them as normal and ok. You gotta be able to laugh at yourself or at least accept yourself fully enough to not judge yourself for something like that.

No one cares. Really. We all do it. Many more to come will do it. Comedians make a living off of pointing out these human frailties.....what would be sad would be to be in the audience and think a comedian were laughing at you and not with you. To exclude yourself from the rest of humanity by not seeing that we are all the same in this respect, We all make mistakes . Its ok. Its good in fact. It makes you real.

Brilliant post