God, I'm so horrible. ***trigger***

Okay, last night was horrible. It started out well enough, I guess. I got to see my best friend of over a decade. I consider her a sister, and it was nice to see her. Afterwards, I just decided to have some drinks. I was thinking about it over the weekend, but wasn't sure if I would be able to. I bought some wine the night before, but was too tired to drink it. I wanted something stronger, though....so I went and got some Captain Morgan with another friend of mine. I got drunk, alright. It was fine up until one point where my friend (who is male) and I ended up having sex with each other. We've had that kind of relationship before, but it hasn't been constant because I don't know that I want that kind of relationship. I have been struggling with my sexual orientation for years. I'm pretty sure I'm gay, but...eh, I don't know, that's a story for another time.

So, we ended up doing it, and boom - I told him to stop, to give me a moment, and I started CRYING. This has happened once before, but I wasn't crying this bad. I went into full freak out mode, saying everything that I've wanted to say to my therapist, to my old therapist, to my mom or about my mom, to him. I even punched him in the face once. At one point, he grabbed my lighter from me because I said I wanted to burn my skin off. That's my main method to SI. He grabbed it from me and I started punching him. He gave it back to me. I told him I had to go to the washroom. I really just went up to my room and burned myself pretty bad. I was even a b**^% enough to come back down and show him. What an attention seeker, I am! What a horrible person! What is wrong with me?

I ended up recording myself so I could remember what I said. One thing was horrible. He told me that he cared about me and loved me, that he wouldn't leave me. I said, "It's you. It doesn't matter." Just because he wasn't the person I wanted to hear it from.

God, I'm so horrible. Why is anyone my friend? Anyone who says nice things about me just doesn't know me. If they knew who I held inside everyday, they'd never want to talk to me again. If it comes out, people run away. I am so horrible to people that it's sickening. Someone should just tell me that I'm not allowed to have any friends and I am to finish out this life alone. I don't have the guts to actually end it. It'd be too easy. I don't want to do this anymore. This is horrible. I should just isolate myself. I'm no good for anyone.

My therapist is going to be so effing pissed next week. I got drunk, I lost control. I SI'd a few times. I called my friend and talked to her when I KNOW I have to continue to distance myself to benefit from therapy. God, I'm a failure. It'll be a miracle if she still wants to treat me.

You're not horrible. You deserve friends, love, and compassion. I don't know what to tell you other than you deserve those things...

You're not a failure or a horrible person, hon. Not by a long shot. You've been going through a rough time, lately, and it's frustrating you; that's completely understandable, Ev. He just happened to be there when it all came out. From the sounds of things, he's pretty understanding of what's going on with you, so I doubt he's going anywhere any time soon.

And don't even think about your therapist. Remember, things like this are why we pay them in the first place! I'm sure she's dealt with people who are much more destructive than you, hon.

And yep, you guessed it. More hugs! (Can you guess that I'm an affectionate person?)

Thanks guys. It was just such a horrible night. I don't like treating people like that, really. I may hate myself and it may be fairly obvious....but I don't want to make other people unhappy. I just tend to do that a lot.

He is pretty understanding. He's a psych major, almost done with his BA, but still very good at it. He's one of those people who I feel will excel in the field, not just someone who gets their BA and stops after that (no offense to anyone who does that, I'm just saying he wants to continue studying). We talked briefly. He chalked it up to me being drunk. I'll leave it at that. I WAS drunk, so my guards were down. Doesn't change what I said.

Anyway thank you guys. I was so distraught earlier. I think I am starting to feel better. I'm glad my hangover isn't too bad, lol.

-Ev