Work Relations - please offer some guidance

I'm in a state of hyper-anxiety at the moment and there's a chance that what I've written may not make sense. My thought processes are going hay-wire at the moment and have alot of information to write....please bear with me.

I wrote a post a few months back regarding a situation at work; I have traits of BPD and have found it difficult to hold down the few jobs that I have had due to my conduct and my difficulty interacting with other people - I'm not aggressive - just socially ignorant. My current job is the first for a good few years, but due to some difficulties at work I have taken time off sick - 2 months. My employers invited me back to a 'Long Term Sickness' interview, which took place on Fri 6th July. This was to establish how I am with my illness,if I intend to return to work and how they can accommodate me.

I'll try to make it as clear as possible about the circumstances leading up to my sickness - depression, in order to help you understand my predicament.


Post applied for was not actual post I got - instore bakery. Minimal training. Little support - I feel. Under alot of pressure - I feel . Wasn't given a copy of staff handbook upon commencement of employment - didn't know procedure for airing grievances. Store v unorganised and short staffed. I found other depts were uncooperative and as a result, I found myself feeling v angry alot of the time esp with Senior Management as I felt that they were making unreasonable demands upon Junior Management (my line manager and sector managers) and ground staff.

We also appointed a new Dept Manager = X, who by her conduct, got alot of existing staff members' (ground staff and management) backs up with her abrasive and abrupt manner. To tackle this situation I was encouraged, as were other staff members, to support the junior management by making a statement in a communications book in an anonymous capacity, about this new managers negative conduct and it's impact on the other staff. Whilst I was there I took the opportunity to air my grievances about my feelings about the state of the organisation of the store and about the unreasonable demands of my senior manager = Y.
At the time I thought this was a good idea as I thought that my contribution would be considered and taken on board and acted upon accordingly; I thought it had been dealt with as Manager Y seemed to be making less demands. How wrong I was.

In fact, I don't believe that my statement was at all anonymous and thinking back, after I had written the statement, I had passed the book onto someone else to air their views; so they could see what I'd written and that I'd written it.

Another situation which presented itself was when the Training Manager who was under pressure for me to be working legally - to have a Food Safety Hygiene Certificate said that she was willing to help me with the answers as I wasn't allocated time to prepare for the exam. As she had also mentioned about my colleague L, I understood it to mean that she was willing to help us both - L & I. I subsequently told L that we would both be getting assistance, and that I felt uncomfortable with it, when we took the exam. I left it at that and thought nothing of it. A bell started ringing when L's attitude towards me changed AND when I went to sit for my exam the Training Manager said something along the lines of 'L being a strange one considering she hadn't prepared for the exam'. I thought at the time that it was an odd thing to say and put it to the back of my mind. I'm certain that there's a connection.

I have not returned to work after extended time off and finding it difficult to talk to other colleagues. Apart from feeling extremely anxious, I have noticed that I feel guilty and I don't know why. I am also untrusting of any conversation with anyone else in case i say something I shouldn't or if they should say something unkind to me.

I have since attended my back to work interview and found it rather stressful as it felt loaded - by the demeanor of the interviewing managers.

I'm wondering if it would help my position if I were to approach my line manager and acknowledge that I wrote an insert in the communications book about my feelings and opinions and to also acknowledge that I should''ve approached her in the first place and my reasons for not doing so. I get the impression that my line managers - there are several - are really quite upset that I didn't approach them to air my grievance.

It's that or I'm wondering if it would be better to cut my losses and stop wasting a huge amount of energy on this situation and leave the company. I've learnt alot about myself insomuch that I need to work in environment that's ordered and predictable. I thought I could handle chaotic, but can't.

I'm gonna sign off now coz I'm knackered ...thanks for reading! :

Okay, the biggest thing I saw was that you're wondering if it's even worth continuing there, or should you quit - is that correct? If so, only you can answer that, but here's what I noticed.

It does sound like you have a lot of anxiety factors already building up there. You're unsure of the trustworthiness of the people there, particularly of the managers. Do you think that will change, either in the near or distant future? That in itself can be a big factor, as working in an environment where you trust no one can make for very long days.

I'm also hearing that there were a number of things that you felt that should have been done up front when you got this position, that weren't done (like you receiving the handbook). While they can certainly be aggravating, dwelling on them won't get you anywhere. If you do decide to stay, my recommendation would be to make a list of the things you feel should have been done, and discuss them with management, one at a time. It'll reduce the feeling of being overwhelmed by compartmentalizing each event. Plus, you'll start to feel better about yourself as you cross more and more off the list.

Some things, I think you just need to try to let go of. Yes, senior management may be making unreasonable demands on the line and sector managers, and no, L may not have studied for the exam, but they're lower concerns. As long as they don't affect you directly, you need to try to let go of them. You have enough other things on your plate as it is, and that's part of what they get paid to deal with. Remember, you don't have to fix the entire company.

There's going to be a lot of soul searching going on, here. Just try to stay relaxed, and if you feel yourself getting stressed, log on here and start typing! Sometimes, just talking about it with someone who understands the feelings can be very beneficial and relaxing.

Good luck!

Johnny

Thanks for your response. I'm having difficulty today with my feelings and feel unable to offer a response that is coherent.

I found what you wrote validating and helpful and will respond when my emotions aren't so painful.

Best Wishes

Mindbopper

PS. Do like your profile pic!

mind bopper, this really sounds like an avalanche waiting to happen. your main focus is YOU and getting you in a safe place. getting entangled in office politics is like stepping on firecrackers in a mine field. jb (as always) has the right idea! and some great advice. we look forward to hearing from you soon! i hope you feel better hon.

wineaux

Wineaux

Thank you for your comment about an avalanche waiting to happen. I think you've hit the nail on the head actually. I don't think I've got the strength to navigate my way through this one at the moment!

I felt comforted by your words

your main focus is YOU and getting you in a safe place

.

Thank you

available any e-time