Job hunting with bpd..

So I need a job, but I can't seem to overcome a vicious cycle of anxiety and self-worth related issues in my pursuit of gainful employment. It goes a little something like this:

Stage 1 - realize I need a job because I need money to live
Stage 2 - realize money is a depressing motivator, so I find things that are fun/enticing that I could do with money to make it more positive
Stage 3 - look for jobs in my field that are good and pay respectably
Stage 4 - feel under-qualified and anxious thinking about applying and fearing I will be called out as an idiot during the interview (should I get one) or that they would filter my resume out before that
Stage 5 - a. change field of jobs to broader area,
b. feel lost in ocean of jobs
c.lose direction entirely
Stage 6 - get enamored by random idea (self-employment, different field, a scheme, etc.)
Stage 7 - doubt my ability to stand out there
Stage 8 - further lose direction
Stage 9 - lose sight of all motivation and wallow in worthlessness feeling incapable of finding a job until I no longer feel the stress of previous failure in job hunting
Stage 10 - Repeat stage 1-10

Every time I clear my head of the anxiety and say "I'm going to look for jobs and get it done this time" I end up feeling even more dejected than the previous time because it would appear that I've made no progress. I can't help but feel overwhelming pressure in the application process and interviews seem even worse. I have little career experience and no one seems to be offering internships to people out of school.

I know if I was given the opportunity to be mentored starting in a position with low responsibility I could build confidence and become excellent at just about anything. I just feel like there is no way for me to find those opportunities since I am quite terrible at promoting myself as my self-esteem is at an all time low.

So then I just fluctuate my focus out of self doubt and lose track of what I should actually be doing. Not sure if I should change fields, move across the country, or just give in and have a crappy career until I implode. I can't help but feel a bit powerless in this situation and having the few applications I've sent out entirely ignored does nothing for my confidence.

Any useful advice, uplifting personal triumphs, or information on non-traditional decent paying jobs is most welcome.

Hey Tantor -

Sometimes I think we're on the 'auto' cycle of lather, rinse, repeat. It's frustrating to say the least, and I'm sorry you're stuck.

Question: what job industry are you in? Your background? Education? I'd love to give you some ideas if I'm able, it'll just help a ton if I have more of an idea.

I have a bachelor's in psych. (go figure) and a bit over 40 hours of doctoral credit in applied psychology (human factors/engineering psych.). Unfortunately I left without a degree because a master's is only offered directly before completing dissertation work (80 hours in). I worked as a researcher at a lab through my school (1 year) and as a teaching assistant (2.5 years). My background is primarily in research and game and software usability testing which is what I did in the lab.

I have about a year of experience working part time in the lab but I don't meet many of the requirements for open positions (years of experience, programming experience, knowledge of specific testing procedures and guidelines). I'm super self conscious about how well my experience translates to industry as I know I should have more experience to feel comfortable comparing myself to the job requirements and expectations. An internship would be great but many of them are only looking for students, which I am not anymore.

It seems a waste to not use my education and experience to find a job, but I'm not sure what exactly might help me pull out of the cycle. I've worked labor jobs at the lower end of the pay spectrum, which is what led me to going back for grad school. I have a bit in the way of student loan debt and earning minimum wage while trying to pay those off seems like a sisyphean task (impossible burden).

Marketing and networking myself for real jobs with low self confidence just seems daunting as I've been in academia for my entire life and feel I don't have much to show for it.

hi..
I don't have any advice or info, but I can relate to your problems with finding work. I have spent long periods out of work (currently in one) and each time I swear it is harder, or feels harder at least, to summon up the courage and confidence to put myself back out there.
Actually I have one bit of advice- I find volunteering really helps to boost my confidence, I'm about to start something new this week. It does depend on where you live I guess, in the UK, it's easy to find stuff.
Good luck.
yo-yo

Hi Tantor,

Job-hunting is hard enough as it is, nevermind with BPD getting in the way. I feel your pain because I have recently been looking for a job myself. (I also suffer with BPD, Anxiety and Cyclothymia. Lovely diagnosis' eh! )

I noticed you replied with your experience/education and that sounds fantastic. It sounds like you have a lot to offer. But what role do you actually want? What job do you want to do for? I think you need to work this out before even trying to apply to any.

After that you need to work out a plan of action - perhaps writing letters to firms sending your CV and a cover letter explaining your situation, experience, how dedicated you would be as an intern etc.

Or what about voluntary work? Could you perhaps look into this?

I've never worked in that area before so I'm not 100% sure how it works but fingers crossed.

Write to-do lists to motivate yourself. Ticking each one off will inspire you to do the next point on your list. And stay positive.

Good luck.

Thanks for the feedback and suggestions

sheeba88 wrote:what role do you actually want? What job do you want to do for? I think you need to work this out before even trying to apply to any.

.
This has been something I've been really struggling with. I'm not exactly sure what I want to do. I like to be creative and solve problems, but I guess I'm intensely afraid of not meeting the standards of supervisors and higher ups and feeling like my job is at risk. The added pressure of having to prove my creativity makes me lose it entirely.

I tend to over think most jobs as is and am getting to a point where I need one regardless, unfortunately. I feel like there are a lot of jobs I would like, but they don't all fit neatly into my experience, or if they do I'm still not sure exactly how to get into them. (how does one become an inventor? or learn carpentry? or machining?)

I've been thinking a lot about working for myself since it allows more flexibility and I would have to meet my own standards and not feel so much judgment from others, but I'm not sure how to do this for myself and would likely need to include other people into the "company". And currently no one seems to think it is realistic when I bring it up so I don't know who would join in.

sheeba88 wrote:perhaps writing letters to firms sending your CV and a cover letter explaining your situation, experience, how dedicated you would be as an intern etc.

I know I should do this.. but part of me feels like I would have to lie. I don't know exactly how dedicated or awesome I would be as an employee. Right now I feel incompetent and worry I'd have a meltdown. I'm terrified of not living up to what they want, and I don't really know what they want. I've been horrible at self promotion my whole life and I just attributed it to being raised humble and now low self-esteem only adds to that. I hate having to boast or lie for my own gains and wish that merit was worth more than bs, but sadly it's a combination of them that matters.

Both of you mentioned volunteer work too. Might be something to look into, but I have no idea where to start. I wish I had friends nearby that could make getting involved with those sorts of things a bit easier on me. I really don't put myself out there socially unless I have a little support, it makes it a bit easier to branch out when I know someone has my back.

sheeba88 wrote:Write to-do lists to motivate yourself. Ticking each one off will inspire you to do the next point on your list.

This works for me well in many situations as it gives me a sense of accomplishment to know I'm moving forward and have completed things. I'm just not sure how to organize one for a job hunt since it's such an ambiguous process that doesn't have a guaranteed end point. One of the reasons I keep ending up down on myself I'm sure. If you can think of a method to make one that could keep a more positive attitude rather than simply repeating (i.e. find job, apply, call, wait, repeat process) I would definitely be interested to hear it.

It's nice to know others can understand some of the difficulties I'm dealing with. It helps me feel a bit less crazy and alone. Thanks again for the advice and support any further suggestions or info are also greatly appreciated.

Hi Tantor,

I can totally relate to what you said. Especially the 10 stage cycle! I went through exactly the same and it was just pure luck that I got a job that I absolutely love.

I did find that volunteering really helped. I volunteered in numerous different areas and although it didn't help me realise what I wanted to do it helped me realise what I didn't! Time and time again I would get enamoured with a random idea too and I thought it was the best possible route, this really was it this time blah blah blah....until I tried it. I have never not enjoyed any of my voluntary work just realised that it wasn't all I built it up to be. It also helps build confidence and skills that you may not have previously had and getting you back in the swing of working. Some voluntary services also offer free training, I did 2 sign language exams through volunteering. Doing this for myself would have cost hundreds of pounds and it looks great on the CV!

I have every faith you can do it. If I can, anyone can!! Good luck

I really believe you will be able to do this! I will keep you in my prayers.

If you don't have a clue what job you would like to do then perhaps think about what job you could do at the moment. What I started doing was looking at job websites at the job descriptions and if I liked the look of it, I'd ask for more information on the role, then eventually send my CV or ask for an application form. Why not try that?

How does one become an inventor? I've got no idea, I guess you need to have thought up something to invent first, then think of ways around that.

To learn carpentry? or machining? I would guess you go to college to study. Are you on benefits? You might be able to go to college for a reduced fee. Have a look in your area if there apprenticeships too, joinery/carpentry/plumbing/electricians are all good trades to get into and most have apprenticeship routes.

What company would you want to create? You would have to involve other people yes - and it would probably be more stressful than just a job because you would solely responsible for managing it and other people. If you ask at your local job centre they usually have initiatives to help people set up their own businesses.

Well what qualities do you have that you think people should 'merit' you for? Try and think what skills/qualities you do have. Don't say none, because that isn't true. You must have gained some skills from your psychology studying. Also your previous employment roles too?

Unfortunately the world of applying for a job involves putting your best parts forwards on paper and demonstrating them by backing up what you've said with examples of when you've used that skill/quality in your life. It's something that you should perhaps practice if you are looking for a job. It doesn't come easy at first, but you will get better at is and used to it. Just giving in isn't an option.

Both of you mentioned volunteer work too. Might be something to look into, but I have no idea where to start.

http://www.do-it.org

That website is a godsend for people looking for voluntary work, it literally lists any voluntary vacancies in your area. Have a gander and see if you fancy of it. Keeping busy will help you to stay motivated. Also it gives you another reference to add to your CV/resume.

I'm just not sure how to organize one for a job hunt since it's such an ambiguous process that doesn't have a guaranteed end point.

Set up an excel spreadsheet - a job search diary. That is what I did to keep me motivated looking for work. You can put it any details of jobs you enquired about in it, any details they've replied back, what dates you sent them, the job details etc. That way you are keeping track of exactly what you are doing.

Also other things you can do are to update your CV/resume.

keepontrucking wrote:I got a job that I absolutely love.

What type of job if you don't mind my asking? and what is it that makes you love it?

I'm always curious how people have come across their passions and even about hearing the positives about careers I never knew about. My mind is stuck in traditional work because no one ever mentioned other career paths.

To think there are people who fish, ski, or watch movies for a living... what the hell did I go to school for if I could have done leisure activities and gotten paid... sigh. Too bad my leisure activities were competitive sports and I'm not built like a Michael Jordan or Usain Bolt..

Also how did you get involved with volunteer work? and what other sorts did you try out?
I just like to know a little of what to expect and what's out there.

keepontrucking wrote: it didn't help me realise what I wanted to do it helped me realise what I didn't!

Yeah, I know the feeling. I think I could write a series of books on what what not to do in life.. figuring out what to do seems a bit trickier than ruling stuff out.

-- Tue Jul 10, 2012 1:17 pm --

JellyJean wrote:I really believe you will be able to do this! I will keep you in my prayers.

Thanks for the vote of confidence JellyJean