USING ANGER TO BUILD A TRUE SELF

Your anger is like a compass......it points you to who you are inside. It points you to your true self. It protects you and it also protects others if you know how to use it.

I will show you


When I get angry, it means that I value something and its being disregarded by
someone else.

Like if someone LIES to me and I find out. I will be angry.

So I think about my anger and say to myself......why am I angry????
Because I VALUE TRUTH!

This is a part of the real me. I am a person who values truth. I believe in it.
I think TRUTH is GOOD.
And actually its more like a blueprint or a plan that I was born with.

When I was born I was not a whole person. But I was born with this blueprint or
plan.

The only thing that directs me to the plan is my anger. If I pay attention to
it. I learn what I value. I learn who I am supposed to be. I learn who I WANT to be.
I learn what my plan is.




The thing is...I have a choice weather or not I want to follow this plan.
When I follow the plan. I am happy . And when I dont I am not happy.

A WHOLE self is something we create.

We create it everytime we have a choice or an opportunity to follow the plan.

If I value truth. Then to BUILD a self, a TRUE self ,I have to follow my own
plan.
I do that by being honest as much as I can.

EVERYTIME I ACT by following my plan. I am proving to myself that I am good. I
know this...cause following my plan FEELS good to me. When I ACT to support what I value I am being TRUE or LOYAL to my own plan!

And its also true that when I dont follow my plan. I feel bad. I feel bad
because everytime I dont follow my plan I am reminding myself I am not following
it, not being TRUE or loyal to my own plan!!


Why is it then that sometimes when you do the right thing, you feel fake???

I think this is the result of just not following the plan for a long time. After
so much repetition, you start to feel like living AGAINST your plan is normal.

What makes someone stray from the plan in the first place?
I think its usually someone close to us.
Someone with a lot of power over us when we are children.

Lets say I am a child and I get angry at my mom cause I think something is
UNFAIR.

The opposite of unfair is fair. I VALUE FAIRNESS.

But my mom, when I say, hey you are being unfair! Tells me to shut up and just
do what she tells me to do.

Mom just told me 2 things.

1) she doesnt value fairness
2) She doesnt value me or my plan

HORRIBLE!

And here is my dilemma.....I have NO POWER. I am a child. Mom can beat me or
withhold attention from me or do anything she wants to me if I dont do what she
says. So to stay ALIVE. I do it. But my plan. My good plan for me....my good
self NEVER goes away. Every time I get angry....my plan is tapping me on the
shoulder and saying...HEY BUD you are not following the plan! And I feel bad
about that. Because to not follow my plan....to not be loyal to it, means I am not being loyal to me. I am living a lie.

Now imagine this on a grand scale. Every single time you make a choice. You have
the chance to follow your own plan. If I want to go out in the rain. I have the
choice not to. If I get mad cause someone wont let me go out in the rain, then I
know, I think its ok to go out in the rain.

Sometimes the plan gets variables added to it. For example....I may think going
out in the rain if its only drizzling and warm out and I wanna dance around in it is
GOOD. BUT I may feel like a downpour in 30 degree weather is not good.

Now imagine there are VITAL elements to your plan....and LESS vital elements.

Values like truth, loyalty, or fairness are VITAL. Meaning they bring me the
MOST happiness and the MOST PROTECTION.
Not only that but they are VITAL to my emotional health. The more I do not follow my plan...the more I get emotionally sick with things like anxiety, depression, or anger. The ANGER gets stronger and stronger because it is SO VITAL to my emotional well being. It is screaming to me to follow THE PLAN!

Values like; which ice cream do I like, are much less vital.

VITAL elements are what I would call NEEDS.
Less Vital elements are what I would call WANTS. A WANT is like the cherry on
top of an ice cream. Its an extra....a bonus. A freebee and it can be anything
you want.

The thing is if mom forced you to go against your plan. Meaning, if everytime you
got angry as a child, you were dismissed or disregarded in SOME way. Then you
were forced to go against your own plan. To live a lie....something you did not
believe in.

But you did that because you HAD to to survive PHYSICALLY.

So after millions and millions of times being forced to go against the plan at
some point it FEELS normal. I didnt say it felt good. But it becomes at some
point second nature almost to go against the plan.

All one has to do to build a true self is pay attention to their anger. And
figure out what they value. And live it.

If I believe in honesty. I must ACT honest and PROVE to MYSELF that I am. Each time
I do this it builds my true self. And eventually living my plan becomes second
nature and FEELS good, FEELS TRUE, much more true then NOT living the plan. Depression and anxiety leaves. Things become much better for me emotionally.

People with loving caregivers, have just been living the plan longer.

Here is how living your plan affects others.

It INDIRECTLY protects them
If I am honest.
Selfishly honest, because I am only doing it to follow my plan and protect myself and to feel good inside.

Then others are always told the truth and trust me.

They actually benefit from my being true to myself!! They get a trustworthy friend or partner.

Now lets say I am dating a girl but dont really like her.

I tell her the truth.

She will be disappointed in the short term. However LONG TERM. She has been
protected from being with someone who doesnt really love her, who wont give her all the love she really deserves. She is free to go find someone who really DOES love her.

Sometimes living our plan disappoints others in the short term. But in the long
term...living our plan is ALWAYS a benefit to them. ALWAYS.

Imagine I have a brother who always askes for money. He is lazy and never has a job.

I FEEL angry. I value working and supporting myself.

So I refuse to give him money.

He is disappointed in the short term. However......no one feels good about themselves when they are mooching off others. And this is true for my brother too. If I gave him money.....I would actually be heping him to feel more depressed about himself in the long term.

If no one gave him money. If everyone followed their truth on the matter, then eventually my brother would have no choice but to help himself and make his own living. THAT would make him feel good again.

On Losing people and following the plan:

When you follow your plan some people will be disappointed. Get mad at first, but then realize you were only following your plan and come back. Some people will get mad and never come back because they dont care about you or your plan. And some people will have the same VITAL values that you have and stay. THOSE people are worth millions!

Example: My friend is always late. 5 times! Everyone gets at least one or two freebee mess ups where I ignore my anger signal.

I get mad.
I value being on time.
WHY? Cuz my time is as valuable as anyone elses. I am not late myself because I value being on time and I am living my plan...proofing to myself that I am good. And I also value fairness. ( fairness will turn out to be a HUGE value TRUST ME)

I tell my friend, I am not late because my time is as valuable as yours. Please dont be late again or at least call and tell me so I am not standing around. I could be doing other things. Its not fair that I have to stand around waiting when I do not ever make you wait( fairness).

Here I am combining my being on time value with my fairness value ( reminding her I follow my own values and she benefits because her time is never wasted).

My friend initially might feel bad or irritated with me at seeing that she is being unfair. But if she has the same values as me. And even if she does not value being on time she should value FAIRNESS. Then she will apologize and be on time.

Some people WILL leave.

However....the ones who leave are ALWAYS abusive people. ALWAYS.

Lets say my friend doesnt care. She keeps on being late. I get more angry and tell her if she is late again. We shouldnt make anymore dates to see each other. She continues being late.

What makes her abusive is....she is unfair.....doesnt value the real me. And she doesnt care that her behavior is upsetting to me . She doesnt care about our friendship. Why would I want this person in my life anyway? She only likes me if I let her walk all over me? The true test of love is when others respect you and value you enough to meet the VITAL elements of your plan.

People who have the same values as you.....are attracted to you. Just ONE of those people are WORTH a million people who are abusive and do not respect you and love you.

When you dont live your plan.....you have more abusive people in your life.

When you do live your plan. You have much less.

You have to be willing to let some people go. Chances are....if someone lies for example...they are probably also unfair, and will betray you. This will lead to abuse of some kind.

Here is another thing. Protecting yourself is part of the plan. That means protecting your body physically as well as protecting your mind emotionally.
I dont drink to excess because when I do....it effects everything I do physically from my job to my sex life, and it effects me emotionally by making me depressed or abusive in my relationships.

Anyone who is not taking care of themselves in this way....drugs, alcohol, whatever, will not take care of you. How can they be good to you if they cant be good to themselves? If they would abuse themselves ....they will abuse you.

We literally have millions of values small and large...vital and nonvital.
And we are constantly building the true self.

After a while, as you can imagine, in certain situations, the plan can get complicated and have many variables ( more people involved, simultaneous scenarios). So when making a difficult choice you weigh all the variables and think more about what is good for you. Then you make a choice. One that is best for you! living the plan always reinforces your self worth!! The plan is about you and no one else. The plans major purpose is to PROTECT you both PHYSICALLY and EMOTIONALLY.

Remember to use anger to figure out the plan. Anger has a scale
dont like
irritated
annoyed
frustrated
feeling like you wish to escape
angry
fuming mad
RAGE

As anger builds.....it gets difficult to think how to react or what choices to make
This is why it is good to acknowledge your anger early in most situations.
Like if I feel irritated. Then I need to think, why am I irritated?

I may let a few insults go by till I feel irritated. When I feel it, I think about what I need to say to the person to teach them how to treat me. While I can think clearly because my anger is not HUGE, then I can think of a NICE way to put it.

Like if I am irritated by loud music at work cause I cant think. Once I know I am irritated I think,,,,how can I tell them and not sound mean? How can I live my plan....and not hurt their feelings? I know I dont want to hurt their feelings...because I get ANGRY when people hurt my own. And as usual I have to stick to the plan in all respects.

I might say. I love music( sympathizing with them). But Its sooooo hard for me to concentrate when its loud and I have to get my work done ( so do they). Do you mind turning it down a bit?

People pleasing is not following the plan. I dont need to people please because others always benefit from me following my own plan either in the short term or in the long term. Sometimes the benefit is difficult to see long term, but if you were to analyse it fully.....which is sometimes hard due to different situations or the number of people involved, you would see the benefit. Trying to make others happy is not following the plan. Following the plan is what makes people happy. I am responsible for following my plan and they are responsible for following theirs. If they dont follow their own plan, its not my problem!

People who dont follow their own plan often try to control others using guilt or manipulation. They want you to do something to fill a VITAL need they have. So they try to manipulate you instead of being honest and true to themselves and live their own plan.

You cant allow yourself to feel bad when others do this. Its like smokescreen and mirrors. A lie, a mirage. They are very capable of living their plan, they are chosing not to.

At the same time.....if a person never learned to follow their own plan it can be difficult for them. So its always good to be understanding of that. Hope this all makes sense.

I think anger has gotten a bad rap, as have "negative" emotions in general. In the (very) old days, it was a matter of survival. If you brought down that woolly mammoth and some other tribe stole it from you, then you had to go get it back, go hunt another, or starve.

It wasn't until recent times, when we became "civilized" and deemed anger to be bad. Anger in itself isn't bad. The only thing that's bad is how it can manifest itself. Anger, fear, concern, whatever, are all methods of self-preservation, which is a big thing for any living being. That's why there are many more "negative" emotions than there are positive ones; they're all instinctive responses we've developed over the ages to protect ourselves, and happiness has never saved someone's life.

So, while I don't necessarily agree that anger can "build" your true self, it does help you expose what values you hold, and who you already are, inside.

JohnnyBlaze wrote: If you brought down that woolly mammoth and some other tribe stole it from you, then you had to go get it back, go hunt another, or starve.

100 points johnny for the above sentence.. Amazing to see woolly mammoth mentioned in a mental health forum..

So, while I don't necessarily agree that anger can "build" your true self, it does help you expose what values you hold, and who you already are, inside.

^^^^ agree!!

I read most of the thread, i have a short attention span. I liked what was written so far, sounds crazy but it makes sence to me. I learn from my anger, yet i have a hard time controlling it.
i think anger is only bad when your anger affects people that you didnt intend to hurt.

i didn't find out until i was in therapy that i was an 'angry' person. i internalize everything and run from confrontation and my anger...i cannot rage. i cannot express my frustration in a functional manner. i cannot establish boundaries. i cannot do anything productive when it comes to communicating my anger.

i don't want my anger to be a part of who i am and i'm doing everything i can to release it. it's baby steps, but harboring anger will lead to nothing but resentment and bitterness, two things that have no more business in my life and recovery.

I find that holding anger in for me is a explosion waiting to go off, and unfortunaly i cant controll when it goes off, meds dont work all the time. hopefully it happens when someone does something to me so they deserve the end result. May sound harsh but id rather hurt people by my anger who deserve it than the ones who dont.

i am the light that blinds
the darkness that devours
the nothingness in between


i defenedly have a flexable self and i like it
why is there a need for a true self
by what you ment by true self you problebe compairing yourself with "regular" ppl
if i do powertraining 2 houres/day 6days /week and look like the hulk is that true?
month after i loos 19 kg wile running 5days/week and a diet
i like my transformations to be phisical 2
i get a goal and become annything i need (want?) and i'm verry good
only thing holding me back is that i get bored
the flexable self is defendly a borderline thing i identefy with

at age 14 i started karate one of the things i learned is meditation
(i can defendly recomend that to everyone)
i used to use that to "rewind" my days in order the analyse my behaviour
((also tryed to understand other ppl better seeing me in there eyes in order to get empathy but i just got more manipulative that didn't work)

(i use the truth lies and everything in between what ever it takesto me that's an avantage)

pumping iron helps with getting mad and extreem dieeting (once had less than 4% body fat so little energy that it f... with your brain it's a hoot)

you are special imho that's a good thing

xabilis wrote:
i defenedly have a flexable self and i like it

Then having a flexible self for you would be your true self.

why is there a need for a true self

truth can be facts or personal....subjective truth or personal truth. I dont argue with someone elses personal truth. If you say this is who you are. Its good for you. Then since I am not you, I cant argue with it. What u live I think is about protecting yourself. So you seem to be saying that being anyway you wish to be protects you? Correct me if I am wrong in that assumption.

If I understand what you are saying ...then maybe you could share how something I might consider is wrong, like lying for example....protects you ???

by what you ment by true self you problebe compairing yourself with "regular" ppl

Actually its exactly the opposite. I dont compare myself to anyone. I dont consider them at all because I have no power over their actions or choices. I only have power over my own. I can only control me, so why would I consider them? Would be like me considering what a tree needs to survive. I dont know. A seed drops to the ground and it grows on its own. Its not my problem where it drops, what its getting to survive, or what kinda tree it becomes.
I would only consider a tree if I wanted one in my yard. Then I would try to get to know trees.
What do they need to survive? What kinda tree will grow in my yard? What kinda tree looks nice to me?

Its the same with people. Unless I want one in my life. I dont consider them. When I see one I like then I learn what they need. What their personal truth is. Then I would give them what they need to keep them happy and growing, but only if it makes me feel good. But it would be purely selfish on my part, because I just want to have the person in my life. If I choose a tree that only grows in the tropics. Obviously I cant give it what it needs. The tree will die. I either have to move if I want it or find a tree more suited to where I live. I cant force a tree that only grows in the tropics to be an oak. No matter what I do....an oak will never be a palm tree. Same with people. I cant force them to be who I want them to be. Its impossible. All I can do is find one that will be happy in the same place I am. I let them be who they are if I want them in my life. If we dont get along....have different personal truths.....the relationship dies and we part ways. I cant compare a tree to me and I cant compare other people to me. There is no comparison. They are who they are and I am who I am. If we have more similarities then differences it means we can grow side by side in harmony. But it will never mean we are the same any more then I can be a tree or a tree in my yard can be me. I dont compare myself to anyone. They have mobility. Like the seeds of a tree. They come into my life and if they happy they stay if not they go. Same with me. If a seed is happy where it lands it grows. If not it dies. Relationships come and go. Live and grow or die too.

if i do powertraining 2 houres/day 6days /week and look like the hulk is that true?

If you think you look like the Hulk. Then its true for you.
If I think you look like something else then what I think is true for me. You have no power to make your truth mine. I can think what I want. U can think you look like the Hulk till forever. If I think you look like a beefsteak tomato in a pair of shorts......there is absolutely nothing you can do to change my mind. LOL Maybe you should send me a picture>???
U compare yourself to the hulk.
I compare you to no one. There is one Hulk, to my knowledge its a cartoon character so I doubt its you. So to me you can never be the Hulk in my eyes. You will be whatever I see when I look at you.

((also tryed to understand other ppl better seeing me in there eyes in order to get empathy but i just got more manipulative that didn't work)

I dont try to understand other people. I am not focused on them at all unless they ask me to focus on them. I focus on me and living my values. My truth. I empathize with me. I understand me. And in doing so I understand them. But its not intentional its just a byproduct of knowing me and knowing how I feel. I feel pain. So I understand they do too. I feel joy, so I understand they do too. I understand why I feel pain, so I understand why they do too. Its a misconception that empathy developes by understanding others. It developes by understanding yourself. Your personal truth. Are you saying lies dont hurt you? Betrayal doesnt hurt you?

you are special imho that's a good thing

So are you. So is everyone. We all live our own truths. That is special. And yes it is very good!!

-- Tue Jul 10, 2012 4:54 pm --

the other me wrote:I find that holding anger in for me is a explosion waiting to go off, and unfortunaly i cant controll when it goes off, meds dont work all the time. hopefully it happens when someone does something to me so they deserve the end result. May sound harsh but id rather hurt people by my anger who deserve it than the ones who dont.

In the second post, which you probably have not gotten to yet, lol
I wrote about when its a good time to address anger.
I do think that if you have lived a long time without paying a lot of attention to what your anger is telling you, then its possible to become somewhat desensitized to the subtle feelings we get regarding anger.

A friend of mine , for example, has a great deal of rage toward his mother which he has suppressed a long time. We were talking about her one night and he said to me, I feel funny in my chest right now talking about her. This was a calm conversation about her, And his anger was stiffled to the point of a little anxiety.

What I discovered about him was this, when a situation now reminded him of a situation he went through with her in the past, he could completely unleash a rage against them.
For example his mother was very unfair to him. And didnt care. For her this was a pattern. So over and over she was unfair and he had to basically eat all that anger. Cuz she wasnt going to explain or help him understand it in any way ever.

Jump to now. People are often unfair to each other in life, however, many times they do not realize how they have been acting or they are acting without thinking. THESE people might gladly apologize and change their behavior, or they might have a very good reason why in this particular situation they are being unfair. The people in his life now, are not his mother. THEY DO CARE.

As a child....another message he got was, love your mother, your mother is good, dont cause your mother pain. So not only does he have all this built up anger for his mother, but he cant voice it to anyone for fear of being labeled BAD. But he has no problem cutting loose on others who remind him of his unfair past with full force. This is not really fair to them. He may be blasting them with a bazooka, when a slap on the wrist will get him what he needs , which is fairness. In addition, because his mother never gave him fairness, ever, he expects that no one else will either. That also is not fair to them. Its not always true of all people. All people are not his mother. Its not fair to him either because he is missing the chance to see that some people really do care about him being treated fairly.

Old anger is very harmful. It needs to be processed or resolved because it is the result of an unresolved conflict. Also the old anger one feels is really about hurt. So to resensitize I think one has to examine the past in order to regain the empathy they had for themselves. Basically if you can feel pain for yourself , then you can feel more of the lesser levels of anger. And looking back is painful. It conjures up the hurt, the injustice, the disbelief of what was done. The wrongness of it becomes very apparent. To process the experiences I think you have to give yourself a different ending. Talk about what the ending should have been. Or role play and say all the things you would have liked to have said to someone who abused. Write them a letter with your grievences and what you want from them now. There are many ways to do it. You grieve for the powerless person you once were as a child. You feel all kinds of hard things. But you also can eliminate a lot of old anger that is burning still in the present.

wineaux wrote:i didn't find out until i was in therapy that i was an 'angry' person. i internalize everything and run from confrontation and my anger...i cannot rage. i cannot express my frustration in a functional manner. i cannot establish boundaries. i cannot do anything productive when it comes to communicating my anger.

i don't want my anger to be a part of who i am and i'm doing everything i can to release it. it's baby steps, but harboring anger will lead to nothing but resentment and bitterness, two things that have no more business in my life and recovery.

Hi Wineaux,
When a parent teaches us that anger is bad or wrong. That is a lie. But over time we can come to believe it. But, worse then that....is the belief that we are bad or wrong for feeling angry. That is also a lie. Anger is just a signal or sign....pointing you to what is important to you.

As kids we suppress it. And try to ignore it and ourselves in many ways. We focus on pleasing others or on not doing anything that might make them angry.

Trouble is when you do that......who is helping you to resolve your anger? Who is making you happy? In truth we have no power over others. We only have power to make ourselves happy....to live our own truth. They are responsible for living theirs. When I focus on them, I ignore me. When I shy away from saying what makes me angry....then I start to feel powerless and hopeless over the circumstances of my life.

In reality as adults we do have the power to stand up and say what we need. But after so long repressing it.....it feels bad when we do!

We feel like maybe we are bad or mean when we stand up for ourselves. But if one addresses anger when its small and when they can still think clearly about what they need, then it is possible to be assertive. Being assertive is a way to get what you need without being mean about it. Anger releases power within us. The power is meant to motivate us to speak and change something we think is wrong for us. But if we never release it when its small , then it builds inside till we want to explode or implode! The power changes inside....becomes things like fear, anxiety, or depression or the desire for destruction. We seek to control the power, but if you focus on others that desire to control the power becomes a desire to control them and not you. The problem with that is....we dont have power over others. Not ultimately. At the end of the day they have the last word on what they go or think. Physically we might be able to enforce our will....but even then they can think to themselves about us whatever they choose.


REAL power is gained by controlling our anger in a way which benefits ourselves. In a way which allows us to live our truth. I know a girl who took an assertiveness course...she loved it but said at first standing up for herself made her feel like she was being mean. It took her a while to realize she wasnt....she was just being her. And it took her a while to realize also, that people liked her more because she was being real.