Latent anger in social interactions

For a long time, I've noticed that whenever I start a conversation with someone, I immediately want it to die. This is because I feel, well, I feel certain that one of us is going to get nasty and the other one will get hurt. So basically what I'm doing when I talk to someone is just to dance around that rage that I always feel is there. My trick is to dissociate so they can't be able to get a grip on me, although it's only partly intentional, it happens automatically.

I've gotten a bit better at it, aka. I've learned how to be honest about some things at least. But I change oh so rapidly for openness to being more cage-y acting, which freaks them out a lot I think. And I can't really tell them why.. Becuase it's very strong complicated defence mechanisms. So the mood cools down and I feel like I owe them something.

Do you guys have similar experiences?

housekeeping wrote:For a long time, I've noticed that whenever I start a conversation with someone, I immediately want it to die. This is because I feel, well, I feel certain that one of us is going to get nasty and the other one will get hurt.

Hi housekeeping,
It seems like you are setting yourself up for failure before you ever even begin a conversation.
I say that because you said you feel CERTAIN one of you is going to get nasty. When you say that its as if this is your expectation going in.

Imagine if you were a high diver and every time you stepped on the diving board you said to yourself; this is gonna be a crappy dive. When you think you will fail, you are more likely to fail, and when you expect failure, you look for it.....you seek it out.

Now imagine I watch you dive. To me it looks GREAT! Awesome.
But you.....you were expecting it to be bad......so during the dive you were hypercritical of yourself.

You come out of the pool and I say....great dive!
You say, nah I think I was off. To u...the whole dive was worthless in its entirety. But to me. It looked awesome!

I think great divers expect to complete great dives every time. When they dont, to them the bad dive is a fluke......the bad dive is out of the ordinary. They get right back up and expect to do a great dive again. They are looking for and seeking out a great dive. Looking for success. They find it.
So even if a great diver makes a mistake.....first he looks at all the good things about the dive.....this was good, that was good, so I will keep doin those things, and now I will also look for the thing that wasnt good to be good too, I will improve upon that one thing. And he says going in....now this one is gonna be good.

In your conversations....it seems you havent given anyone a chance. Most importantly , you have not given yourself a chance to succeed. It is as if the whole thing is judged as a failure before it even begins.
In that respect, if you are seeking failure- you will find it, so it makes sense to think why bother? Why even bother to have a conversation when it will fail?

In the past...lets say when you were a child, was there someone who , when you engaged in conversation with them, they always made you angry or dismissed or devalued your opinions, ideas, or needs?

If that happened then maybe this is why conversation in general is so painful for you. Maybe it reminds you of a person who was disrespectful to you.

If that is true, then it might help to remember that the people you speak to are not that person and you also are no longer the person you once were. A child , for example, does not have the power an adult has to defend themselves in conversation. So if that is a change then it would be a big one.

Anyway just my thoughts on it...thanks for sharing