i just need someone who relates to me. *trigger*

literally about 5 minutes ago i found these forums, read a few threads, and then signed up. i've not been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder but i feel like i relate mostly to it. currently i am diagnosed with ADD, dissociation, depression, agoraphobia, general anxiety and panic disorder. i also have been an avid self harmer for about 4 years.
lately i've been feeling as if i'm going completely insane. it feels like i'm living in a movie. like the things i do don't matter. like life doesn't matter at all. the people around me begin to mean less and less. there are certain people that i cling onto for dear life but everyone else i couldn't care less about. but, the other half of me loves every single person i meet. it's so confusing and terrifying not knowing your own opinions.
i can tell when my depression is really bad because i stop enjoying music and reading. i want to be a poet. i write poetry. i go to school for poetry. it keeps me stable. but i can't do it. i can't make myself do it. there is nothing inside of me to induce creativity. it's all empty.
i smoke marijuana. i have for about a year now. it used to make me so happy. now when i'm high i just can't get my mind off of how much i hate myself and everyone around me. i think about killing myself. but i still get high because i can't deal with the lack of emotions. i'm unhappy with feeling nothing but emotions are way too tough for me to handle. they make me want to throw up. any kind of emotion makes me melt into a big mess of tears and anxiety.
i'm alone. i don't like to be alone. people aren't texting me back fast enough and it's making me really sad. i think it's because my phone doesn't have service but i keep thinking that it's just because they hate me.
i think that my boyfriend will break up with me. i'm really going crazy. soon he'll find out how insane i am. he'll discover how fake i am. but i don't mean to be. i can't help it. and i'm thinking of stopping talking to my best friend because she has a boyfriend now and i never see her anymore. except i just saw her two days ago but when she texts me we never text for that long or i feel like she's uninterested. she thinks i'm stupid. she thinks i'm uncool. she's a dick and i understand why she lost her best friend.
except that isn't true. i love her to death. she's one of my favorite people. so why do i think these things?
and i lie. i lie so much. i don't lie to my friends as much as i used to but i lie to my family. i especially lie to myself. i even lie to my therapist.

i feel as though i should be put in the mental hospital. i can never get my mind off of death. i either think about killing myself or killing everyone around me. lately i've not been able to control my actions at all. my body makes all of the decisions for itself. is it unsafe for me to be out in the world at the moment?

my 16th birthday is in 9 days.
i want to die.

i don't know why i'm posting this. i don't know why i do anything.
should i get more help?
can someone on here help me?
what do i do?

Young Lady,

People in this forum may be able to help a bit perhaps with relating, but the 'help' you seek I don't think can come from an internet forum. I believe you need to share these things with close loved ones and your therapist as well. Perhaps printing out your own post and showing them would be a good start, that way you don't have to stress yourself with articulating how you feel. Do not hurt yourself, people care about you and it WILL get better.

OneThousandMiles wrote:Young Lady,

People in this forum may be able to help a bit perhaps with relating, but the 'help' you seek I don't think can come from an internet forum. I believe you need to share these things with close loved ones and your therapist as well. Perhaps printing out your own post and showing them would be a good start, that way you don't have to stress yourself with articulating how you feel. Do not hurt yourself, people care about you and it WILL get better.

thank you so much. i think i will print this post out, yes. thank you again. i'm trying very hard.

hi.
<hugs>
I agree with the last poster. A few months ago when i was in therapy I wrote this letter to my therapist, expressing how I was really feeling (desperate, suicidal) and I printed it out and read it out to her, it really helped me and her, she then knew where I was at, even though I did feel really guilty when I read it to her, but anyway, I would recommend doing this if you can.
be careful with smoking dope. I did it and it made my anxiety and depression so much worse. I know some people can get through these things and still smoke but it can also have a negative impact too. just be careful.
good luck.
things will get better even though I know it doesn't seem like it now.
yo-yo

I feel like i could have written a lot of this. I'm also having a really hard time with feeling unreal and being obsessed with death, i also want to be a writer and have no creativity at all when i'm depressed. Lately, i can barely read and write.

Honestly? Get off the pot. It's not helping the feeling like you're in a movie and the obsession with death, in fact, it's probably making it a lot worse. My disassociation gets so much worse when i'm drinking or taking drugs and so i haven't for months and probably never will.

Apart from that, i agree with the above, talk to your loved ones and your therapist. Something will be able to help, even if it doesn't feel like it.

thank you guys. it means a lot that you took time to reply to me.
i had been thinking about stopping smoking pot for a long time because 50% of the time it just makes me sad. but when i use it for spiritual reasons, it really inspires me to be happy, and after a good experience it is though my depression has depleted for at least a few days, sometimes more. i think that i should just use it more responsibly. i'm going to quit until i figure out what is going on with me, though.
sungbysirens, i'm sorry that you're going through the same things as i with the lack of creativity. i feel like perhaps that is what makes my depression worse, the inability to create. i've found that if you catch the depression early (the hardest thing to do, sigh) and force yourself to just read a book or write some lines, it tones down the pain.
unfortunately, most of the time when i feel the sadness coming, i unintentionally try to drown myself in it. but change just takes time, right?

ah. right now i'm being all optimistic but probably in a few hours i'll be in hysterics. it seems like that's always the way it is.

I could relate to a lot of what you described. Definitely find some help outside of this forum but keep posting here too. Many of us can relate to a lot of the same things though we often feel alone in our experience. Sometimes it helps knowing there are others like us after all...maybe we're not crazy...or maybe we are but at least we can be crazy together.

ok, let me just say that your name is AWESOME and i can totally relate to that...

welcome! and i'm glad you found us and joined asap. the light is always on (can't say someone is always at home ( ) just kidding...we all need a little humor to brighten up our days. OBVS.

just know that you are not alone and there are plenty of peeps on here that share your feelings and can definitely relate. don't be afraid to just come here and vent away.

happy early bday btw!

Thanks for discusion of the and thanks for all member for providing good knowledge about trigger.My knowledge in trigger is less I think triggeris Something that either sets off a disease in people who are genetically predisposed to developing the disease, or that causes a certain symptom to occur in a person who has a disease. For example, sunlight can trigger rashes in people with lupus.

I can bethe same way when I'm really depressed. What's worse though is lately I've been having the same number of bad as good days or days are good and nights are bad. It feels like two parts of me are fighting and I'm struggling to be well.