who am i?

I am doing all these things i expect to make me feel whole but still feel fake doing them, studying, working, going to therapy, trying to see friends when i can but i just feel like im living a fake life, not in touch with who i am or what i even like? Maybe is disconnection? Does anyone know how to feel like u r truely being you?

I think the true me isnt a nice person, I have no wants of being the true me. There is a nice me but when everything is going good and im niceand everyone around me is happy. I feel like im being someone im not. Its constant work on being a good person. I should be that way naturaly.

My problem is I don't exactly know what I do and don't like. Seem to have problems with identity and valuing things about myself

Winter

I dont really believe anyone is completely healthy and whole psychologically. I have never in my life met anyone with no issues. If this person exists. I want to meet them. Where is this wonder of human nature who is completely mentally healthy !!??!?! I HAVE NEVER MET THEM!!!

I am sayin this cuz I think there is a continuum of mental health......everyone is somewhere on it.
And I think we can learn from each other.

I know who I am. I now what makes me who I am. And in that respect maybe I can help?

When I get angry. for me it means I value something and its being disregarded by someone.

Like if someone LIES to me and I find out. I will be angry.

So I think about my anger and say to myself......I VALUE the truth!

This is a part of the real me. I am a person who values truth. I believe in it. I think TRUTH is GOOD.
And actually its more like a blueprint or a plan that I was born with.

When I was born I was not a whole person. But I was born with this blueprint or plan.

The only thing that directs me to the plan is my anger. If I pay attention to it. I learn what I value. I learn who I am supposed to be. I learn what my plan is.




The thing is...I have a choice weather or not I want to follow this plan.
When I follow the plan. I am happy . And when I dont I am not happy.

A WHOLE self is something we create.

We create it everytime we have a choice or an opportunity to follow the plan.

If I value truth. Then to BUILD a self, a TRUE self ,I have to follow my own plan.
I do that by being honest as much as I can.

EVERYTIME I ACT by following my plan. I am proving to myself that I am good. I know this...cause following my plan FEELS good to me.

And its also true that when I dont follow my plan. I feel bad. I feel bad because everytime I dont follow my plan I am reminding myself I am not following it, not being TRUE or loyal to my own plan!!

You mentioned that when you do the right thing, you feel fake.

I think this is the result of just not following the plan for a long time. After so much repetition, you start to feel like living against your plan is normal.

What makes someone stray from the plan in the first place? I think its usually someone close to us. Someone with a lot of power over us when we are children.

Lets say I am a child and I get angry at my mom cause I think something is UNFAIR.

The opposite of unfair is fair. I VALUE FAIRNESS.

But my mom, when I say, hey you are being unfair! Tells me to shut up and just do what she tells me to do.

Mom just told me 2 things.

1) she doesnt value fairness
2) She doesnt value me or my plan

HORRIBLE!

And here is my dilemma.....I have NO POWER. I am a child. Mom can beat me or withhold attention from me or do anything she wants to me if I dont do what she says. So to stay ALIVE. I do it. But my plan. My good plan for me....my good self NEVER goes away. Every time I get angry....my plan is tapping me on the shoulder and saying...HEY BUD you are not following the plan! And I feel bad about that.

Now imagine this on a grand scale. Every single time you make a choice. You have the chance to follow your own plan. If I want to go out in the rain. I have the choice not to. If I get mad cause someone wont let me go out in the rain, then I know I think its ok to go out in the rain.

Sometimes the plan gets variables added to it. For examples....I may think going out in the rain if its a drizzle and warm out and I wanna dance around in it is GOOD. BUT I may feel like a downpour in 30 degree weather is not good.

Now imagine there are VITAL elements to your plan....and LESS vital elements.

Values like truth, loyalty, or fairness are VITAL. Meaning they bring me the MOST happiness.

Values like which ice cream do I like are much less vital.

The thing is if mom forced you to go against your plan. Meaning if everytime you got angry as a child, you were dismissed or disregarded in SOME way. Then you were forced to go against your own plan. To live a lie....something you did not believe in.

But you did that because you HAD to to survive PHYSICALLY.

So after millions and millions of times being forced to go against the plan at some point it FEELS normal. I didnt say it felt good. But it becomes at some point second nature almost to go against the plan.

All one has to do to build a true self is pay attention to their anger. And figure out what they value. And live it.

If I believe in honesty. I must ACT honest and PROVE to me that I am. Each time I do this it builds my true self. And eventually living my plan becomes second nature and FEELS good.

People with loving caregivers, just been living the plan longer.

Here is how living your plan affects others.

It INDIRECTLY protects them
If I am honest. For me. Because it helps me follow my plan and makes me happy.

Then they are always told the truth and trust me.

Lets say I am dating a girl and dont really like her.

I tell her the truth.

She will be disappointed in the short term. However LONG TERM. She has been protected by being with someone who doesnt really love her. She is free to go find someone who DOES love her.

Sometimes living our plan disappoints others in the short term. But in the long term...living our plan is ALWAYS a benefit to them. ALWAYS.

Wow! Thank you! That really reasonated with me. I have been living myself through other peoples dreams for so long as thought being them would make me happy and not lose friends. its a real wake up call. you dont know how much your message meant truely eternally grateful!

I dont know who i am but looking out for the signs now

Winter,
Some people will be disappointed. Get mad at first, but then realize they were wrong and come back.

Example: My friend is always late. 5 times! Everyone gets at least one freebee

I get mad, I value being on time. WHY? Cuz my time is as valuable as anyone elses. I am not late because I value being on time. And I also value fairness. ( fairness will turn out to be a HUGE value TRUST ME)

I tell my friend, I am not late because my time is valuable as must be yours. Please dont be late again or at least call and tell me so I am not standing around. I could be doing other things. Its not fair that I have to stand around waiting when I do not ever make you wait( fairness).

Here I am combining my being on time value with my fairness value ( reminding her I follow my own values and she benefits).

My friend initially might feel bad or irratated with me at seeing she is being unfair. But if she has the same values as me. And even if she does not value being ontime she should value FAIRNESS. Then she will apologize and be on time.

Some people WILL leave.

However....the ones who leave are ALWAYS abusive people. ALWAYS.

Lets say my friend doesnt care. She keeps on being late. I get more angry and tell her if she is late again. We shouldnt make anymore dates to see each other. What makes her abusive is....she is unfair.....doesnt value the real me. And she doesnt care that her behavior is upsetting to me . She doesnt care about our friendship. Why would I want this person in my life anyway? She only likes me if I let her walk all over me?

People who have the same values as you.....are attracted to you. Just ONE of those people are WORTH a million people who are abusve and do not respect you and love you.

When you dont live your plan.....you have more abusive people in your life.

When you do live your plan. You have much less.

You have to be willing to let some people go. Chances are....if someone lies for example...they are probably also unfair, and will betray you. This will lead to abuse of some kind.

Here is another thing. Protecting yourself is part of the plan. That means protecting your body.
I dont drink to excess because when I do....I feel bad. Or I become an alcoholic lose job money ect.

Anyone who is not taking care of themselves in this way....drugs, alcohol, whatever will not take care of you. How can they be good to you if they cant be good to themselves? If they would abuse themselves ....they will abuse you.

We literally have millions of values small and large...vital and nonvital.
And we are constantly building the true self.

After a while, as you can imagine, in certain situations, the plan can get complicated and have many variables ( more people involved, simultaneous scenerios). So when making a difficult choice you weigh all the variables and think more about what is good for you. Then you make a choice. One that is best for you! living the plan always reinforces the plan and your self worth!! The plan is about you and no one else.

Remember to use anger to figure out the plan. Anger has a scale
dont like
irritated
annoyed
frustrated
feeling like you wish to escape
angry
fuming mad
RAGE

as the anger builds.....it gets difficult to think how to react or what choices to make
This is why it is good to acknowledge your anger early in some situations.
Like if I feel irritated. Then I need to think, why am I irritated?

I may let a few insults go by till I feel irritated. When I feel it I think what I need to say to the person to teach them how to treat me. While I can think.....I can think of a NICE way to put it.

Like if I am irritated by loud music at work cause I cant think. Once I know I am irritated I think,,,,how can I tell them and not sound mean. How can I live my plan....and not hurt their feelings?

I might say. I love music( sympathizing with them). But Its sooooo hard for me to concentrate when its loud and I have to get my work done ( so do they). Do you mind turning it down a bit?