Spirituality

Like many of you, I have suffered with bpd to the extreme for years. Actually what I feel like is I have spent my entire life covering up my shame at being unworthy, unlovelable, unacceptable, and isolated. I have felt disconnected from those around me as if I don't really deserve to exist but I haven't had the courage to really end it all so I have acutely felt like I was just passing time until that happened naturally. I don't seek medical attention, I am not good at taking care of myself and providing for myself. Every bpd episode has contributed to this. I can't trust myself to go into relationships or social situation and "behave" normally. So for the past several years, I have just avoided them. However I have to deal with the world, so I have this elaborate "front" that I have created to cover up all the shame. The first front is appearance. I am meticulous about it - the way I dress, the way I groom myself, my weight. I am pretty sure this believing that I have to fool everyone or be extra good to cover up the extra bad, is the cause of my anorexia/bulemia and otherwide disordered eating. My appearance has become overly important because its something I can control. And if I look really good, maybe you wont notice there is something inherently wrong with me. I also have had problems with compulsive spending because I was sure everything I bought almost had some magical property to fix the insecurity I felt about myself. If my house looks like a magazine, I am beautiful, and everything is shiny, new, and perfect, I will be too, right?
Until the next bpd epsisode that will undo it all. I have drank and drugged because it offered me temporary escape from the pain of just being me and gave me courage in social situations to be funny witty & charming (or so I thought) I attached meaning to all these things outside of myself to either cover up or try fix what was inside. But it never worked. I have a closet full of beautiful clothes. Each piece was the one that would do the trick to make me feel good enough to belong to the human race, but it never did, so I kept searching for the one that would. And a vicious endless cycle just developed because no matter how nice the dress, i still felt shame at being flawed.

I think bpd developed in me because of this shame - this inherent belief that there is something fundamentally wrong with me. This is what I was told when I was little - that I was despised, bad, unable to gain acceptance and approval, unable to please the people who were supposed to love me. And the fact that I tried sooooo hard and still failed, just reinforced it. I was abandonned by my father at the age of two, molested/raped by a stranger at the age of 4 and daily tormented by my step father who couldn't stand the sight of me for the rest of my childhood. Chronic stress and trauma.

Yet some part of me knew this was unfair - that it wasn't supposed to be like this. I knew deep down I was supposed to be loved. Hence, the rage.

When I was young I went looking for this love in men. I became very promiscuos. I was also at the height of my drinking and drugging. I flip flopped between just allowing myself to be really bad and rebellious and trying to be really really good. I had unwanted pregnancies from drinking and being too drunk to care who I was sleeping with or to protect myself. It amazes me to this day that I didn't get raped and killed by some crazy person. I was doing this in the early 80s when all kinds of drugs were floating around and very easy to get. I remember giving some strange guy my parents address in case i od'ed that night. I was doing acid, coke, & drinking in a bar after hours. I woke up one morning naked on the floor where i had passed out in a room full of strangers. And I felt soooooooo much shame.

All due to bpd and my childhood. I sought counseling and joined a 12 step program to fix the pain within. My life became more manageable but the bpd didn't go away and the shame didn't go away. In some ways this made it worse because I was trying so hard and couldn't succeed. When i was acting out and just being really "bad" at least I could tell myself if I got my act together, i too could be normal and have a good life.

I became very self centered not because i wanted to be selfish but because it took so much for me to just get through a day at work and try to be normal (yep, I had bpd episodes at work), or a night at home without going off the deep end. I didn't understand the bpd episodes I was having and I never knew when they were going to hit. Mine were pretty bad and often ended in suicidal ideation. I didn't really want to kill myself - i wanted to live, but if life was so painful, and if it couldn't get better, I didn't see the point, which made me very sad.

I am breaking this up into a couple of posts because it is so long.

Recently, as of last fall, my mother called me to tell me a family trust fund that I was supposed to inherit up her death was being disolved and I need to sign papers. She was being unusually sweet and kind and I said of course even though I had a sense of dread about the whole thing. I have never been good with money and don't have a lot and this trust always gave me a sense of security that I would have money in my old age.

Well....she sent me the back signiture page of this document without the document. I felt humilitated and betrayed. BPD came right up but I knew not to act out with my parents but I was a wreck. My relationship with my parents has not been pleasant. The patterns that developed when I was young just cemented further into being.

I decided to end the relationship with my parents because I could not stand the chaos they continually bring into my life all the while blaming me.

I thought this would give me comfort but it spiraled me into a deep depression. Most likely because of the severe abandonment I felt when they just didn't respond.

Another thing happened though that I didn't expect. I started having memories of my childhood. Deep heavy feeling memories of the pain I experienced. I was no longer blocking it all out to maintain this false relationship with them. The memories have been fragmented but so painful. It has made me soooo depressed. And I was in a new relationship with this man so I was tryiing to hide it all. I felt numb or in extreme pain. I have felt panicked and out of control. and oh so sad and fearful. My anxiety and depression have escalated to be very painful.

I sought treatment through therapy a couple of weeks ago at the insistence of bf. I have had more fear with him because he is the only thing i have left so I was having bpd meltdowns with him.

I have my first therapy appt. this morning

BUT two other things have happend to me.
The first was last week. I had a terrible bpd episode of rage towards my parents not this past sat but the one before it. It scared me the level of rage I felt towards them. I felt completely out of control and scared. I went and got in bed and read.

Later that evening, I was lying in bed and I had this momentary split in myself where I felt my spirit only without my mind thinking and I was very aware of what was happening to me and I knew, there was a part of me, outside of my mind that was perfectly fine. Perfectly sound, rational, and okay and it was me. And I immediately understood that this bpd thing was outside of me. It was not me. My mind was not me and bpd was in my mind. Kind of like I have stomach cancer but I am not my stomach so I can not be stomach cancer. This was HUGE because I realized that while i have a mental illness, I am not the mental illness. There is a part of me that is healthy and sound but it gets covered up by my thinking and my mind. I felt much better and the rage subsided and I went through the week.

This past weekend, I was drawn to a post on this board about depersonalization. I have never felt as if I don't exist so I wasn't sure why this caught me but it did. And it triggered an awareness in me that in my family, I wasn't supposed to exist. This is what made my father so angry at me. It didn't matter if I was good or bad - he still raged at me. It filled me with incrediable saddness and I felt terribly isolated. Physically my body felt like lead and I was exhausted.

I was sitting in a chair sunday morning sobbing and really wondering if maybe i shouldn't just give up. If life was this painful, and always had been painful maybe I didn't need to exist. Maybe I should just give in and let my parents win. Was it worth all the effort when nothing every really seemed to get better.

And then, this voice inside of me through intuition just said, "you have a right to exist, I gave you the right to exist" and I had the acute awareness / revelation that G*d had created my soul. That G*d had taken the time to make me uniquly me. He sanctified my existence. Further more if G*d said I could exist who was my father to say I couldn't? I have to admit it was kind of the feeling like being bullied by the school yard bully and all of a sudden lookng up and there is this huge guy to defend you. and my reaction was hell yeah! Then I realized If G*d was perfect than my soul had to be perfect too. And my soul was indestructible. It was here before my body and it will leave my body. If there is a G*d it can be no other way because it would mean G*d was not completely perfect and ominpotent. And if G*d is perfect than he can never disown or turn against himself/herself (words just communicate be careful not to give them meaning they don't really have)

I began to very quickly see that as a child because of the abuse, I internalized, took into myself, the message that my parents told me, the lie about myself my parents told me. Instead of being able to realize that they were the ones who were sick and this was outside of myself, because I had no frame of reference to see it any other way, I gave meaning to the abuse by thinking they were good and I was bad. NOT TRUE. They are sick and I caught the sickness from them.

And immediately all the depression and despair left. This is the root of bpd. Believing that we are bad. We can not be bad. Its impossible. Its a lie our mind believes and our soul knows better. It is as if some traumatic event separates the mind and the soul and they go off in different directions so we are conflicted.

The mind is just an instrument of the physical body. it is not the soul. It is designed to act in accordance with the soul to be used as a means of expression and creation. My mind/thinking is out of order so it is dis/eased. it is not at ease with my soul which knows it is good, perfect, true and eternal.

It recorded the message given to me that I am not okay and therefore it is in disharmony with my true self which is perfect because it has no other choice to be. My mind which is supposed to be an instrument to help me, has turned against me. Kind of like having an emotional autoimmune disorder.

But because my mind is NOT ME, this can be fixed. I have to relearn how to think in ways that are in harmony with my perfect soul created by G*d.

I realized I never was what my parents told me I was. That never existed. It was a MISINTERPRETATION by my mind of what was happening outside of myself. This is ALL

furthermore, my parents nor anyone else had the power to harm my soul any more than they have the power to harm G*d. This too was only an illusion.

And I realized that if my soul is perfect than everyone elses is too. it is only my parents mind's which must be under these false illusions and they passed it along to me because they too were in fear and pain - my father couldn't stand the sight of me because what it represented to him - his perceived flaws and fear that his soul was not okay. this has allowed me to introduce myself to the idea of forgiving them. I still have some work to process on this one but at least I don't have the rage which I believe is only an expression of INTENSE FEAR.

This realization has been so freeing. I still have a lot of work to do because I have years of thinking patterns and reactions suited to my old understanding of myself. My thinking that I was somehow flawed and separate. This was all an illusion. It never existed.

I don't know if I have expressed this well but I do know something happened to me sunday that freed me from much of the bondage I have been under. My depression and anxiety completely left and I felt so light and at peace for the first time in years. I still have a lot of work to do to undo the thinking habits but I am okay and everything I need is within. I am complete, loveable, connected, indestructible, and creative.

Today is the start of my new life and I have been given the tools by my creator to do it.

Blessings to everyone,

Laura

Wow ... I cried.

Thanks for writing that. I really, honestly, deeply wish you the best of luck in your therapy.

Sometimes I feel silly for believing in God. Sometimes I lose my religion momentarily, I stop praying, I stop congregating, I stop even considering him in my life. I literally project all of my feelings of "badness" on Him and ask, "WHY?" "Why did you create me so bad and unlovable?" "Why did you make my parents such idiots?" Etc.

Another reason I sometimes feel silly about religion is that people have told me (even my therapist) that maybe religion is too abstract for me. Maybe I need something more tangible to hold on to. But my logical mind tells me - that's ridiculous. I've been hanging on to intangibles my whole life. I've been basing my entire BEING around perceptions, nothing real.

I'm having a hard time with God, so I really appreciated your post. I waver in my faith, but I have a feeling that God will still want me when I'm over my struggle. I think since he created me, that all of this has some sort of purpose. Of course, when we're sick, we say - what sort of SICK creator would put humans through this. But then we have to remember for every good force in this world there is a bad force. (Not trying to make a Star Wars analogy lol.)

Many times I talk to my husband about how I am feeling and he says, "You need to pray." This enrages me because I lose sight of all the things I believe.

I am rambling, but I am so glad you are seeing a therapist. That first appointment can be the hardest, but you're going! It sounds to me like you've suffered enough, and you're at the point where you feel like you DESERVE to feel better.

God bless you. And let us know how it goes! Hugs

Faith can be a wonderful thing,,I've seen it.. I've grappled myself over the years over the god thing..he's never spoke to me ,,all the times I've cried out,please god help me ,,nothing,, maybe the darkness you spoke about in an ealier post IS inside me, and not outside like you,,I'm coming to the conclusion that maybe god only helps those who's darkness hasn't entered their souls yet,,yes?? Maybe if it's outside you can be saved,,maybe if it's seeped in and soaked into your heart and belly maybe it's to late for the light ..or maybe a bitter soul can't be saved,,,dunno,,rambling much!! Does that make sense ?? KEEP your faith,,hang onto it . Ps,,i Think religion is a human concept and inherently problematic
By the way that was very beautifully written ,,x

Magik wrote:Faith can be a wonderful thing,,I've seen it.. I've grappled myself over the years over the god thing..he's never spoke to me ,,all the times I've cried out,please god help me ,,nothing,, maybe the darkness you spoke about in an ealier post IS inside me, and not outside like you,,I'm coming to the conclusion that maybe god only helps those who's darkness hasn't entered their souls yet,,yes?? Maybe if it's outside you can be saved,,maybe if it's seeped in and soaked into your heart and belly maybe it's to late for the light ..or maybe a bitter soul can't be saved,,,dunno,,rambling much!! Does that make sense ?? KEEP your faith,,hang onto it . Ps,,i Think religion is a human concept and inherently problematic
By the way that was very beautifully written ,,x

You have no idea how much I needed to read your specific post today, Magik.

It makes perfect sense to me. Here's how I believe, and this is integral to my specific religion: You say maybe those who's darkness hasn't entered their souls yet ... can be helped. You may be right. Our darkness, pain, etc. has no choice but to take us over at some point, but we are in essence, good people who have been treated poorly and because of that have made some really bad choices. We have defense mechanisms. I haven't met a BPD yet who didn't have childhood trauma.

I have read that there are people who have this disorder with no trauma, and it is blamed on a dysfunction of the brain, but I have never encountered that.

God (at least the way I know God) will help if we ask. Unfortunately, there is an eternal battle between God and the Devil - Good vs. Evil - whatever you want to call it. When the darkness is in us and we are praying or asking God or doing whatever it is that we do in our attempt to communicate with God, the evil or darkness is playing with us. Quite possibly God is speaking directly to us, but we are unable to hear it.

I do not think the darkness is in our souls. I don't think it can get there because - as I said - we are essentially good people. I do believe there are people like sociopaths who let the darkness overtake their souls, and do horrifying things in the name of their illness. Not all sociopaths are murderers, not all murderers are sociopaths.

I have been practicing my religion quite passionately for three years. Just recently I decided there was no use in praying. I shun the religion in a way that is distasteful and disrespectful. I tend to criticize people who are practicing. And when people tell me to pray for some sort of guidance I laugh. Why? Because I'm letting the darkness take over.

I still have my faith, but it wavers. I have always battled with religion. It is so abstract. Too abstract for my mind at times. If I can't touch it, love it, or blame it, it's not real.

I wrote something in a poem a while back, "Angry hearts can't love." Maybe darkened souls can't believe. I don't know. The point is - the darkness can't take over.

Maybe that was a tangent ramble of my own, but I just felt it needed to be said. I am sort of typing things I'm just realizing thanks to your post.