im gonna try ditch this disorder *ED Trigger*

the evening time is a rubbish time for reflection. I just allowed myself to binge! i justified it to myself while i eat but now i feel just rubbish. I am telling myself, tomorrow is gonna be the day i begin to beat my anorexia!? I say this lots of evenings, after i give in and eat too much; i think it justifies my binge somehow.
But no, really, its the most serious ive been, about contemplating letting go of it, since it returned at the end of last year.
Ive dealt with and have grown a lot since discovering bpd last may, and i know this is why the food control came back; finally confronting things i had to (or at least,trying to) But since this time i have said a lot of things i should have said years ago, these people still never listened. A part of me really is thinking now, ive gotta beat it, even if the only reason is to show them that they dont hurt me (even though they really badly are). They are cruel people and the thought of them being able to excuse their behaviour by saying, your not thinking straight, or you said your not well, makes me feel so so so mad. So in a way I guess I could say i want to get better to hurt them. That sounds so bizarre, saying my parents will be hurt if i get better. But seriously, this is true. I don't even need to try verify this or think about this.
But im so concerned that if i do finally just take the step and change, more and more other destructive ways will replace it. I don't want this either, but im pretty positive that this will happen. Then thinking these things makes me re-contemplate the whole thing; maybe it's not the right time to give it up yet, not while so much is going on.maybe i should wait, coz i cant risk drinking or self harming, or losing control of my anger and emotions, and im trying my hardest not to give in to these things as it is. I want tonights thoughts of changing to be different. I want to wake up tomorrow and WANT to still do it. But i ust don't know what's for the best!

ok, this morning i just feel so crap. Im so tired my eyes hurt, i have lots of acid and feeling terribly guilty because i binged some more last night thinking today would be the day when i decided it was time to leave my stupid eating disorder behind. I dont look nice, i dont feel nice, and i hate it coz i still cant let it go. Im so irritable(this is just normal!), i want to have a little breakfast, but i cant, it keeps telling me not to.
I feel so hurt (i know i said in another post that my hurt i feel towards the health system is not entirely rational, but today it feels very rational - ive finally come to the realisation lately that im not going to be getting any help from the mental health team - regarding bpd, not for my ED, and i am also taking NO medication. I was starting to let myself accept this and had got myself in a better place to start seeing this without being so hurt.
But today i feel like complete $#%^ and just want to burst into tears. Today ive realised that letting go of the eating disorder is really gonna be quite difficult, i think more than i originally thought. So now im really scared about letting it go for fear of cutting, or drinking. Im already finding it difficult controling my anger and hurt and irritability, im already struggling to keep being strong to focus on the tough decisions ive been trying to make, if i try give this ED up, then am i just gonna explode. I dont wanna be any more irritable or angry than i feel now but i also want to try give this up. I want to phone my psychiatrist that ive met a few time this year, ask about meds. i asked over a year ago to try other meds for my irritabillity and anger, my doc emailed me back saying no. So since then ive had nothing, 1 month ago, just beforei had an appointment (referal) with the ED place my psych gave me a perscription for anti-d's (because apparently thats what ED specialists like.). I wasnt in a great place and had started to feel that i was wanting to self harm again, plus, i was hurt, because for a year id asked about meds, and then, just like that, because 'ED' people like these, i was just given them. Like my doc said a year ago, they dont seem to work for me. So what do i do?
Do i phone my psychiatrist and see if it poss to perscibe something different? or not? I dont want them to make me feel any more hurt by them than i already do, but my next appointment not for over 5 more weeks and i dont want to wait until then.. but im scared, and also i dont know what meds would be best (if any) But what? They expect me to be able to tall them what to give me. I got no clue coz im not a flipping doctor. I just dont want to be irritable like i am, all the time.
I think today ie realised just how far ive let myself fall back into this ED.

Please, has anyone got any suggestions on what meds are best, or good to help irritability.. am waiting for a call back from my psych, but I really don't actually know what to say.

Unity, first things first. Take a big, deep breath. Now, gently exhale. Repeat as needed.

Don't worry about what happened before. It's in the past and can't be changed. So just worry about what you're going to do right now.

I know it's hard, but try not to consider how this would affect your parents. Make this all about you. YOU'RE the important one here, not them. Get better for you, and for no one else. Just thinking of it hurting them as an added bonus.

I don't really know anything about anorexia, so I can't say what I think would or wouldn't work. I wish I had some prophetic advice here, but I don't.

As for the anger meds, revisit this with your doc. If your psych is still adamant about not giving you any medication to help control your anger/irritability, it might be worth getting a second opinion on the matter.

If there's a gym in your area, see if they have a non-contact boxing or kickboxing class. When you're feeling irritable, nothing feels better than beating the living cr*p out of an inanimate object, like a heavy bag.

JohnnyBlaze wrote:If there's a gym in your area, see if they have a non-contact boxing or kickboxing class. When you're feeling irritable, nothing feels better than beating the living cr*p out of an inanimate object, like a heavy bag.

Amen to that.

Hi unity...

Unfortunately, I understand more than you would think. I also have food issues, and hate/love food and myself at different times. Unfortunately, sometimes it feels like chasing the dragon.

I have found a lot of help for my irritability with an SSRI medication, but it isn't a sure-fire way. You will probably have to try a few out before you find one that gives you great peace, but I would start now, and not later, because relief from this damn disorder can never come soon enough.

Do you have a pdoc? If so, they may suggest starting you on mood stabilizers or anti-depressants. I've had the most luck with Lexapro.


AMP

JohnnyBlaze wrote:Unity, first things first. Take a big, deep breath. Now, gently exhale. Repeat as needed.

just did it!

Don't worry about what happened before. It's in the past and can't be changed. So just worry about what you're going to do right now.

You're right here. I i think in a way, this rubbish year HAD to happen to make me stronger. Just havent started reaping any of the benefits yet, hanging in there to get them though; flipping well deserve it now. Ha, at least right now, i feel i deserve it Im trying really hard to stop getting the hurt i feel because of my parents confused with hurt felt from others. It difficult though isnt it, and slowly im starting to let go of the hurt and anger towards doctors, etc, but it hard, because there has been many occasions where i genuinally deserve to be angry and hurt and it just peed me off for so long that it felt like they were making me feel guilty for who I was. I get now though that i just interpret things way too much.

I know it's hard, but try not to consider how this would affect your parents. Make this all about you. YOU'RE the important one here, not them. Get better for you, and for no one else. Just thinking of it hurting them as an added bonus.

You are right i know...but if i was only thinking about me, and no one else, I probably wouldnt do it. But then i also dont want to let go of it for my son. I would rather be doing this to myself than anything else, because i can hide this better. Yet, i know that none of these things are good for my son, no matter how hard i hide it. Yet, for now, it feels like it serves me so many purposes. Thats why im thinking, if i do it to hurt them, to show them that i wont let them control me anymore. i have broke a lot of their control lately, played them at their own mind games, but while im still doing this they still got their control on me! I hate them for hurting me so much and not caring in the slightest!!!

I don't really know anything about anorexia, so I can't say what I think would or wouldn't work. I wish I had some prophetic advice here, but I don't.

Thanks.x deep down i know this one only i can get myself out of. i need my mindset to change...but then i've been saying this for 7 months now. but i feel a lot closer to wanting to give it up, when i really think about it. im hoping once all the drama going on settles down, so will my mind. then i can focus all my attention on getting rid of it

As for the anger meds, revisit this with your doc. If your psych is still adamant about not giving you any medication to help control your anger/irritability, it might be worth getting a second opinion on the matter.

Spoke to my psych today on the phone. explained to her my reasons why i wouldnt take the anti 's she perscribed to me the other week. i asked about mood stabilisers and to cut the story short she's perscribed me to start off on 25mg seroquel and revisit it in some weeks (unsure if 2, or 5) to put it up. However, im a little confused as of course, ive googled it etc, and eveything i read suggests a low dose gradually increasing within the first few days/week. So I guess, im questioning whether 25mg is going to have any benefit? I anyone knows?

If there's a gym in your area, see if they have a non-contact boxing or kickboxing class. When you're feeling irritable, nothing feels better than beating the living cr*p out of an inanimate object, like a heavy bag.

thanks johnny. i might just find out about something like this.x

MissAli wrote:Hi unity...

Unfortunately, I understand more than you would think. I also have food issues, and hate/love food and myself at different times. Unfortunately, sometimes it feels like chasing the dragon.

ye, i think i get what you mean. now i understand bpd, im able to understand myself more with the reasons ive used food as my main control throughout my life.x

I have found a lot of help for my irritability with an SSRI medication, but it isn't a sure-fire way. You will probably have to try a few out before you find one that gives you great peace, but I would start now, and not later, because relief from this damn disorder can never come soon enough.

Do you have a pdoc? If so, they may suggest starting you on mood stabilizers or anti-depressants. I've had the most luck with Lexapro.


AMP

hey, ive just wrote about what the psych said to Johnny. i want to write more but i think that one tab has kicked in. feel energyless am so tired. gonna sleep me thinks. i know i need it anyhow.x