BPD, Cats, and Relationship Patterns

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Cats, unlike dogs, are creatures for lonely people. In history, cats were popular with royalty and especially emperors (lonely at the top), who found it hard to connect with their subjects on a personal level because their subjects either wanted to use them or appease them. How does the cat attract lonely people? There's a subtle psychodynamic at play.

People who find themselves lonely often suffer from problems in relating to other people, be they avoidant, borderline, or any host of complexes and personality traits that lead to difficulty in relationships. Often these relationships take the form of the person perceiving that others pull away from them, don't understand them, etc. Here I want to examine how borderline personalities attract cats. The borderline personality has a dynamic in relationships of push and pull. They intensely involve themselves with people, idealizing them, loving them, then at the slightest trigger of their abandonment or rage problems, they sense rejection and push back just as intensely. Over time, they come to understand all relationships as having this push-pull dynamic and in their minds, perfectly normal relationships have a sense of push-pull to them that works in a subtler way, often in their thoughts and preemptive behaviors, misperceptions of other's intentions and behaviors, etc. which leads them to withdrawing from or longing for closeness, though having great difficulty achieving it. This is exactly the dynamic at play in such folklore characters as "the crazy cat lady" or the person who has a cat for each broken relationship.

Because cats, unlike dogs, are independent and (let us be honest) inherently selfish, adventurous, and lone creatures, they attract borderlines in several ways. First, the borderline finds a companion that is just like them, at least from the distance- a loner who seems independent but in all reality is totally dependent on its owner, which is seen in borderlines with their dependency traits on love and relationships but their frequent feelings of emptiness and loneliness that come from a sense of universal abandonment and unworthiness. This is not to say the cat is like this on any real level; rather, the cat's independence and lone character trigger a sense of commonality with the borderline, who fills in the rest of the characteristics in his or her attempt to idealize or find the "perfect companion". Borderlines are also drawn to cats for another important reason. The cat's behavior exactly mirrors and reaffirms (provides familiarity to) the borderline's understanding of relationships, which has been formed long since childhood neglect or abandonment and the string of pattern-like relationships that have occured from that point to the present. Because the cat is a selfish creature, who only comes when it needs something for itself, who rarely listens to orders (or let's just compare them to dogs for a moment), who wanders on its own and seeks pleasure and entertainment on its own (this is not to say all cats, but most of them), the borderline's dynamic with the cat resembles:

A. Borderline idealizes cat
B. Borderline is abandoned by cat whenever cat acts selfishly
C. Cat comes back for food/water/yarn
D. Borderline gives intense affection to cat
E. Cat goes away again

There is a subtle resemblance here to the borderline's already confirmed pattern of relationships. First, the borderline seeks the perfect companion with the cat, only to be left hanging when the cat goes and does its own thing. Then, this triggers a sense of abandonment (mostly on an unconscious level, though conscious with extreme borderline personalities). The cat, in reality totally dependent on the borderline, comes back for food and basic needs, which gives the borderline the feeling of being needed (codependency) and appreciated, the feeling that a relationship of intense magnitude is possible (again, unconscious), the power of being appreciated/needed, and the opportunity to provide some sort of compensation in an attempt to improve the relationship with the cat and make it stay. This comes out in adoration and intense affection, like using high-pitched voices with the cat, calling it names, smothering it with petting, giving it too many treats, etc. This is all dandy until the cat is satisfied and goes away to do its own thing once again, and once again, the borderline is abandoned.

Now let us compare this to the types of relationships that borderlines seek. Often, borderlines' relationships with people who are neurotypicals ends abruptly due to miscommunication, misinterpretation, or the other party being scared or fed up with the borderline's inconsistency and moodiness. With their longer lasting relationships however, this same push-pull, abandonment-reinforcing pattern is present. The borderline seeks "perfection", which often means the borderline imagines someone who is merely sexually attractive to them as having all the perfect traits, dismisses their character problems and faults, ignores their imperfections (for the time being...), and basically projection their own wants, desires, and ideals onto this body (which is all that it really is on any real relational level at this point), making this partner the "perfect one" or "Mr./Mrs. Right", a "10/dimepiece", etc. This partner is most often someone who has narcissistic traits or is generally apathetic or incapable of reciprocating consistent love (hence the borderline/narcissist couples). Because this type of person is in constant need of adoration or self-esteem boosting, they often come back to the borderline when they leave them or forget to reciprocate affection, leading the borderline to make an effort to try to change them so that they will stay; this is done by more sexual favors, overaffection, overadulation, gifts, sudden trips, and generally intense displays of love. But once the partner recieves their fix of self esteem or attention (also histrionic personalities may fit this partner position as well), they resume their normal behavior, which while they may be there, they are not giving adequate attention or affection to their partner because they are too self-absorbed and thus incapable of doing so. And so the cycle repeats itself.

As one can see, there are many similarities between this type of relationship dynamic and the one that is at play with a borderline and their cat. Some borderlines who feel even deeper loneliness may buy more and more cats to satisfy their urges of never being abandoned, but while this allows them to not experience general abandonment (because there are so many cats that come back for their needs) it does nothing to soothe the feelings of abandonment that are triggered when the borderline seeks a unique relationship with each cat. Thus, this also reinforces another thing common with borderlines- having many acquaintances and friends kept at a distance, but fearing/loathing/and having intense/rocky relationships with people who are close to them. More research and especially psychodynamic theories should look into this area.

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-- Mon Jun 25, 2012 5:28 am --

picked this up somewhere on the netz. Found it interesting, what do you guys/gals think?

yeah its common knowledge and opinion with people I am friends with i will be the crazy cat lady.

Probably going to start collecting cats to grow old with (or to 30 with my lifestyle) because cats will be my destiny

I do see the truth in this article, but I think it's just over-analyzing the special bond I have with my cat, and I am offended.

I love him, and I love that we're so similar, and we can sleep for forever, and sometimes he has little rage fits and attacks my legs and then goes off and does something cute.

And I am sure I just validated a lot of that article. =P

I really do love my cat. ;o

[edited just to make sure I specified that I am totally joking about being offended!!]

That was interesting. What I like about having cats is that they need me while somehow managing not to be "needy".

Well, that's one thing I like anyway. I could keep going but I might not be able to stop

Yes very Interesting ,,I'm borderline (ect) and I really don't like cats at all,
Got two dogs
Always an exception to the rule I guess
,saying that I suspect my mother was borderline too and we were surrounded by cats,8 at one point,so maybe its true and that's why I don't like em !!!

I've got a dog, used to have two. I love dogs.

Not so much with cats, although I certainly don't hate them. I just don't like the fact that they're not as affectionate ALL the time, I guess. At the same time, rarely does a cat take to me, because I tend to be loud, and have lots of hand gestures, which I think really scares them.


AMP

I'm a dog person. Here's why.

Cats
They're too much like BPD's. Seemingly random in whether they love you or hate you, and can this can change at any moment, with no prior notice. When in a bad or aggressive mood, they're just as dangerous as BPD's, too. They can hate you until the end of time, but as soon as they want something, they come wandering back like nothing ever happened and expect you to act likewise.

(You know, after reading this, it's a wonder anyone dates a BPD!)

Dogs
They think you're the greatest thing since sliced bread. Complete, 110% devotion (125% on weekends). If you get mad at them, even when you're just having a bad day and they didn't do anything wrong, rather than get mad at you in return, they are extra nice, to try and make you happy again. Same goes when you're sad. It's as though their entire life's goal is to love you all day, every day. The perfect BPD companion, IMO.

interesting read!

I have 4 cats and 2 dogs.

I use to be very much a dog person and now I am neither. There are pros and cons for both that have already been said.

One of my dogs is INCREDIBLY needy and has to be touched at all times or else she'll jump and paw at you until you just maintain that contact. And although this is a nice feeling to be needed and it's something I seek every day it can be so very annoying and can trigger a bad mood. Sometimes I just need a bit of space!!! And yes I am touching her now!! lol

I believe my cats are different from most as I hand reared them so the attachment seems stronger than other cats. However it took me 2 years to be able to let them out in to the big bad world on their own :/ I couldn't bare them to want to be away from me!
I do think that if I didn't have that strong a bond then I would definitely still be a dog person though.

In real life I sometimes go by Cat. It's my alter ego.

And my feline pet is the only companion I've ever lived with as an adult. We have a great relationship. He bites and nuzzles me and keeps me in check.

I don't like cats. Maybe they are too similar to me.

I like dogs.