Complex Story/Question/Help Seeking/Possible Ramble

First off, I'm a new member so hello to all. Secondly, I am diagnosed with Bipolar II and Borderline Personality Disorder. I'm not really sure how to type what it is I'm looking for. I went searching for a forum where I could just lay out what's going on with me now and try to find help with the situation. I want to keep from typing out this huge block but I'm not...basically I'm not sure of what to say now.

I guess it's better to type it as I go. I was in a relationship with a woman for five years and it was, well, like what I hear most relationships with (at the time)untreated people like me are. She suffers from P.T.S.D. so I think we had too many uncontrolled issues for each other, in the end. She eventually walked out on me after winning $80,000 and it was the end of my life to me; however, I won't go into detail. In the three years since, I've lacked the real desire and confidence to put myself back out there with another woman. It's been all about waiting and trying to get back with her. I've finally really started moving on recently and stopped talking to her altogether. Let me say now that I'm going back into treatment at the beginning of July; hopefully adequate services as well this time. Lately though, especially having put out a torch I've carried for some time, I have been feeling *intensely* lonely, empty, etc. I know it stems partly from not being with a woman for some time. Sorry if that's too much detail there but it's (as I see it)imperative to what is going on now.

What I'm asking is complex...I know a woman that I just want to have a brief encounter with. This is really hard to explain though. I've attached a lot of things to finally sleeping with someone else. I feel it means I'm really letting go, it would give me back some of the confidence I need, quell some of the darkness in my brain for a time(which is worth it's weight in gold), and just overall make me feel better as it would any "normal" guy. Problem is, I have no idea how to just date without looking for a relationship. I know I'm not even near being ready for a long or short-term relationship. I know that most of my relationships have always started after sex. Even my last one with the girl I spoke of before. Unfortunately, that's not my only problem. I lost a lot of confidence and self-esteem over many things that happened near the end, and after, of my ex leaving. I let a lot of things go and have only recently tried to pick myself back out of this hole. I don't have the confidence to just try and go out for a one-night stand. So instead I want to make this girl feel sorry for me and know how many really nice things I do for people or somehow manipulate it to reduce the likelihood of rejection or judgment; which would then be seen as rejection to me.

Basically and obviously, I have over-thought this to almost talking myself out of it. Like I told my brother, I feel like I've been through *so* much and done *so* much for others that I've earned something like this. I need to convey how much I need this and how nice it would be to just be "thrown a bone" as it were to this girl but fear any negative response I may get no matter how I put it to her anyway. I feel a sense of urgency mainly because these feelings, sexual and otherwise, have added to an already complicated and over-burdened mind but are becoming the more prevalent feelings.

I know there are wrong things about a lot of that. What I'm asking is, how do I go about doing this? I really have no idea how to pursue a woman normally and without turning it into something else. I don't know how to gain *real* confidence enough to not manipulate this in some form. Even if no one really knows how to help, I still appreciate your taking the time to read this and hear my problem. I hope it wasn't too long or confusing and that what I'm asking is understood. Thank you.

Any suggestions?

I actually get what you mean, but I don't have any advice.

I kind of did this same thing... well, I let something happen with somebody who was pursuing me; I wasn't exactly seeking it out. But my motivation was the same in letting it happen. I just wanted to feel better... and I didn't want to develop feelings or attachment to this person. But it happened anyway and caused me a lot of heartache.

I think because I'm so clingy, afraid of rejection or abandonment, it's impossible for me to involve myself only casually with people. :/

Thanks for replying, letha. I'm already trying to control feelings towards her. So far, it's just pure sexual attraction. See, the whole point is to try and teach myself not to form those attachments that have so often caused me much pain. I *need* to learn this. It's hard to keep it that way when you've attached so many other things to moving on and just having sex with some woman.

Last night, I think things went pretty well. Went and had a few drinks in her section and exchanged a few quick glances with her. Also found out from my friend that she wouldn't mind me coming by her house either.

I'm nervous about taking any of it too serious; ie. hoping this means something, that something good will come out of this, and just plain scared to get my hopes up. It seems like every time I do, $#%^ goes wrong. I guess it's that feeling that the universe or God is trying to spite me. So, I'm scared to put myself out there now or talk about it in a hopeful way...I just *really* don't want to get rejected.

I've recently have this experience. Although I am undiagnosed. Ibseem to suffer from some sort of PD possibly/Codependency/extremely low self-esteem. I had a relationship with a girl who claims to be "emotionally unstable" and I am fairly certain that suffers from BPD.

I do share bpd traits however and I will tell you. From personal experience, this isn't the road to choose.

Self-esteem comes from just that, self. Its an illusion that these things will make us happy. Oftener times these benchmarks will only continue to set us back. For me it did. Reminded me of my ex, I didn't enjoy it nearly as much as I thought, because the issue was sex and self-esteem, I was almost ashamed of myseld that I would do it. Not because I felt guilty, but more because I felt like pleasing another woman was something I couldn't do and didn't know how to do. Since it had been so long, I had sex and for the most part it wasn't special and it damn sure wasn't worth it.

Its all relative in my opinion. If one has been inactive for quite some time, I feel an emotionally sensitive person needs to be in a great relationship to do Hess things to handle them.

Another point here is the attachment. Although I didn't get emotionally involved. She because a source of escape. Because I could be confident and sexual and feel desired. But really I felt a little used because I knew Beyond the sex, there wasn't really any desire. We were friends with problems and ultimately lonely.

-- Mon Jun 25, 2012 12:43 am --

I've recently have this experience. Although I am undiagnosed. Ibseem to suffer from some sort of PD possibly/Codependency/extremely low self-esteem. I had a relationship with a girl who claims to be "emotionally unstable" and I am fairly certain that suffers from BPD.

I do share bpd traits however and I will tell you. From personal experience, this isn't the road to choose.

Self-esteem comes from just that, self. Its an illusion that these things will make us happy. Oftener times these benchmarks will only continue to set us back. For me it did. Reminded me of my ex, I didn't enjoy it nearly as much as I thought, because the issue was sex and self-esteem, I was almost ashamed of myseld that I would do it. Not because I felt guilty, but more because I felt like pleasing another woman was something I couldn't do and didn't know how to do. Since it had been so long, I had sex and for the most part it wasn't special and it damn sure wasn't worth it.

Its all relative in my opinion. If one has been inactive for quite some time, I feel an emotionally sensitive person needs to be in a great relationship to do Hess things to handle them.

Another point here is the attachment. Although I didn't get emotionally involved. She because a source of escape. Because I could be confident and sexual and feel desired. But really I felt a little used because I knew Beyond the sex, there wasn't really any desire. We were friends with problems and ultimately lonely.