newbie,suffering way to long,please read

Hi all,i don,t really know where to start but here goes,i have had depression and anxiety since childhood and have been on numerous anti,d,s with little affect,at the mo i,m on ciprolex 20mg.A bit about my self and this is not easy,my father was a very aggressive and selfish man who constantly brought me down by embarrassing me in front of friends,constantly on my case over nothing,he called me names and said i would never make any thing of my self,i could,nt even sit in the same room as him without sitting wrong,being to noisy,even though i was holding my breath and the list goes on and on.I also watched helpless as my 2 year old brother allmost drowned in a pool while my dad was doing other things,i was 4 at the time.I was sexually assulted by a stranger walking home from a friends house when i was 12,and no one belived me and was picked on at school for this.Over the years i have grown to hate people especialy if they hurt me or cross me,the friends i do have i tend to drive away alot cause as soon as they get to close i back off,i think through fear of being hurt.I don,t go out socalising as i can,t stand people looking or staring at me,makes me very paranoid .Anxiety and a hell of a lot is built up inside of me over the years and constantly dwelling on the past,was it all my fault,if i was born a boy like my dad wanted,would have it been better.I have a brother my dad could,nt do enough for him and would often come home with gifts for him but not me.Theres so much in my head,and my life is ruled by dp and anxiety,to the point now i,ve had enough and my gp has refered me to a pdoc,i have searched the web for an answer for this terriable suffering and pain i feel every day all day,most of the time i feel like a child who,s lost her mum,wanting to be cared for,but i,m 36 years oldand just want all this to stop,as i,m having trouble looking after my 3 girls through lack of emotion,i either love them to bits or hate them i,m ashamed to say,i spend a lot of time asking them to play or go upstairs as i feel my anger building up and the last thing i want to do is be like my nasty father,but i think i am underneath,i have just learned to control it.Any thoughts welcome,does this sound like bpd thanks FA I forget to mention i have taken 3 overdoses in the past year and been to a psyc hospital after losing the plot one night after suffering to much stress,was sent home with sleeping tablets Well 22 viewed but not one answer,story of my life

hi fallen_angel

Maybe the biggest hurt in your life was that you didnt have parents that loved you in the way that you needed them to love you. Many, many people are in the same situation that you are in, but alone your situation is unique and requires a different approach in getting help and recovering.

You have made the first step, by telling us and thats a good start. We won't stare at you or begin to dislike you and hopefully you can part-take and share more about yourself and tell us abit about who you are as a person, rather than the person you felt forced to be, because your parents didnt care.

The greatest gift and power you give yourself is one that you want to pick yourself up and make a better life for yourself, the power of willingness and the power to succeed are far greater than all of the negetive thoughts we automatically have when things go wrong.

Believe in yourself.

PoisonOakley