Blah Blah Sick of Thinking

I am sick of my mind persuading me every other night that my friends hate me when they don't. I know they don't subconsiously but I have to maike sure and I ask my friends and it is so repetitive when I ask them if they hate me and I hate asking them that. I just flip the fudge out and hurt myself if I am not convinced. I just feel like an annoyance and I think bad things sometimes that people shouldn't think and it makes me feel like a monster.

Hi Raguna, I know how you must be feeling. Some days I just want to flip a switch in my brain to turn all my negative thoughts off because I over think, over analyse, read into how people think even though there actions indicate that my thoughts are wrong.

I think it helps to remind yourself that "you wouldn't be friends with them in the first place, if they weren't your friends". And also, that part of friendship is that you both will disappoint eachother at times. Have faith that they will tell you when they are upset with you. Do they know that you have BPD? If you feel ready to tell them, maybe that will help them understand why you keep asking.

Take care x

Winterblue wrote:Hi Raguna, I know how you must be feeling. Some days I just want to flip a switch in my brain to turn all my negative thoughts off because I over think, over analyse, read into how people think even though there actions indicate that my thoughts are wrong.

I think it helps to remind yourself that "you wouldn't be friends with them in the first place, if they weren't your friends". And also, that part of friendship is that you both will disappoint eachother at times. Have faith that they will tell you when they are upset with you. Do they know that you have BPD? If you feel ready to tell them, maybe that will help them understand why you keep asking.

Take care x

Thank you so much for the reply. I do aver analyse all my thoughts, actions, people's actions, possible thinking on their part and it tears me apart. I sure hope they would tell me when I upset them because I can say some negative things at time. I told a couple of them I did but they probably forgot. The ones I trust the most have horrible memory, sadly. I do not know how they can function at times for I would be dead if my memory was short-term. I just get annoyed with myself when I am distracted with my emotions instead of my thinking. I prefer thinking my way out of things instead of feeling. I just do both and it makes me feel too sad. What kind of negative stuff do you think about?

That's why I've found this forum extremely helpful. My friends have no idea (not that I have any at the moment though). I did have a large bunch of friends but found it extremely difficult, I kept flipping from telling them I loved them and they meant everything in the world to me, and then cutting them off because of something they did (or I perceived that they thought I was crazy) to upset me. So I have one friend left who knows kind of. She thinks I have depression. I just explained that from time to time she will not hear from me but I've asked her not to take offense and that it just means I'm in my head. Nothing to do with her. As for you thinking instead of feeling, that's something I'm trying to do more of. Unfortunately, I feel all the time (apart from when everything gets too much and I disassociate and just feel numb). The negative feelings I have vary on a daily basis, self hatred, wanting to step in front of a train, thinking friends don't care if I even exist or if anyone even cares if I exist, what the meaning of being here on earth is, losing hope in relationships or ever having one that's loving, knowing whether I can properly love someone, worries about being annoying to my therapist and over needy. Then for brief moments I'll be happy or think I'm happy to just be on my own and talk to myself about i'm ok and I'm better off on my own.

Thanks for reaching out. It is really healing knowing people are having struggles and that we are all part of this world that can help one another and connect.

Winterblue wrote:That's why I've found this forum extremely helpful. My friends have no idea (not that I have any at the moment though). I did have a large bunch of friends but found it extremely difficult, I kept flipping from telling them I loved them and they meant everything in the world to me, and then cutting them off because of something they did (or I perceived that they thought I was crazy) to upset me. So I have one friend left who knows kind of. She thinks I have depression. I just explained that from time to time she will not hear from me but I've asked her not to take offense and that it just means I'm in my head. Nothing to do with her. As for you thinking instead of feeling, that's something I'm trying to do more of. Unfortunately, I feel all the time (apart from when everything gets too much and I disassociate and just feel numb). The negative feelings I have vary on a daily basis, self hatred, wanting to step in front of a train, thinking friends don't care if I even exist or if anyone even cares if I exist, what the meaning of being here on earth is, losing hope in relationships or ever having one that's loving, knowing whether I can properly love someone, worries about being annoying to my therapist and over needy. Then for brief moments I'll be happy or think I'm happy to just be on my own and talk to myself about i'm ok and I'm better off on my own.

Thanks for reaching out. It is really healing knowing people are having struggles and that we are all part of this world that can help one another and connect.

It is the opposite with me. I call my friends and flip if they don't call or something. If they don't call in like a few days I get scarred and feel as if they hate me or I upset them. I have been betrayed too many times and I just worry that it will happen again. I wish I had the guts to end it but I am not going to. If I will get through life then let it be to see how many people hate me because no one at school seems to like me and I don't even live for people anymore it feels like. I seem to just live for my good grades because people swear they will take me far in life. I am just waiting for something good to happen. I am an annoying person because that is probably why no one likes me. I even annoy myself at times with this immature thinking and I just hate things like this sometimes. I hate being alone also. I would rather have a friend that is mean and abusive than be alone.

Yikes I do this too. DAILY!

I analyze everything that people do , and if a particular person does not behave in a way that make me feel assured, I mentally FLIP OUT. I have to try so hard to keep it together. If not, you're gonna see me yelling and throwing a fit because someone gave me the wrong look, or didn't listen to the end of my story. I know I overreact. I gotta find a way to control this......

Paranoias a bitch isnt it?