BPD & online romance...

Hey everyone,

I am a guy who suffers from BPD and I'm absolutely aware of my condition, I'd say that my insight about the disorder is as strong as you can imagine. I've been suffering for like 3 years now (I also have anxiety and OCD issues), I'm not currently diagnosed as I live in a third world country, the mental health system here is terrible, there's no support at all, so unfortunately, I'm not currently receiving any kind of treatment! I don't diagnose myself in any way, however I read alot, my symptoms definitely fit the criterias of BPD! And for the sake of keeping this thread simple, I won't enter in the details of my symptoms except: emptiness daily drags me to hell, BPD folks will surely understand what I am trying to say here, I've never been in love with a girl before, so the disorder was kind of "ok, bearable" (since I am planning to receive treatment in the near future when I start working and travelling; I've just graduated from university, finally!), and suddenly, I fall in love with an online girl from another country, she also loves me and I am planning to meet her in real soon, pretty soon... this has marked a huge improvement in my "impulsivity/addiction" section, I stopped doing such behaviors for the sake of our love (a deep sacrifice for me, I'm weak most of the times but our love keeps me going forward and forward), she filled my emptiness, here's where my story begins:

I know I love her, I really do, but at the same time, I know that I need to be loved, yes, adult love is based on mutual interest, respect and care, not on the need to be rescued, I admit it, I really need to be rescued but at the same time I do love her, we do share some mutual interests... oh, she's also older than me! She doesn't complain from anything, ask me for nothing... etc, it's always me who complain from relationship issues, ask her for stuff, so yes I am a "drama prince", she doesn't know that a BPD sufferer needs extra care (of course, she doesn't know about my BPD) it's always me who starts fights and we both end up deeply hurt (of course, for me it's harder since I get stuck with my hypersensitivity), I am also ALWAYS apologizing (even if I am at least 1% right) because deep down inside, I know it's me the issue here, it's my BPD, my false emotions...

But sometimes, can't a BPD sufferer be right?! She doesn't care as much as I do, I can't call her (a parental issue of her), we can't text because of a phone issue, can't videocall her (also an issue of her) and lots of stuff... all that, I absolutely understand and respect her conditions, I told her, I am satisfied, but here's what I'm not satisfied with: she doesn't ask me for anything, she doesn't ask me about what I've done on a day (just like I do; now she does after I confronted her), she doesn't share with me stuff in her life (just like I do; I told her, I care about your details!), she doesn't support me and my art, always explaining that by forgetting, she always forget stuff about our relationships and about my needs... she's always busy and lots of late replies, she doesn't believe that "sharing is caring" :/

The situation now: I know I am the weak link here because of my BPD but I am trying so hard to rationalize my emotions and to work this relationship out, to let it go sometimes, but other times, it's too much to just "swallow" and ignore concerns, and if I want to complain, I will be afraid from her reaction, I just can't bear her annoyed from me, I will do anything for her for not abandoning me, I will never complain, "screw" my needs but "never leave me", oh God, it's too much now... Sometimes, when she asks me or says stuff I really want to hear, I feel absolutely happy and in total love with her (yes kind of splitting but I know it), so I ask myself: wouldn't be a lot easier if she always act like that? There will never be drama again, but alas, this isn't always the case...

The Internet is full of queries about nons and how they are hurt from the BPD partners, but there's not a single topic about BPD sufferes who are really hurt from the nons when they are only asking for a little extra care (to compensate our deep void!), I am also afraid to discuss topis with her (political, religious, etc...) because I know we will not agree and hence, we will end up fighting and it's my fault since I am the "BPD guy", she also always accuse me of complicating things, I know, she's right, but not always! She does have some behavioral issues as well! I think she's a little bit selfish, she's only excited to hear from me stuff she wants to hear but when I tell her about stuff I really wanna share with her, she's not that excited! Her replies are like: "aha, ok, great", but hey maybe I am wrong! I am always there for her, always, 24/7 but she's not always there for me when I really need her (a matter of quality presence actually and not a quantity one), I feel like I am a slave to my emotions, I can't imagine my life without her now but the current situation is unsupportable like that...

Any tip/support/feedback is highly appreciated, sorry for the long post and for the disoriented thoughts, I hope you're all doing great!

art10

Hi art!

I've read your post, and I guess I have a couple questions...

Do you mind going into more detail about how you're not able to call her? Does she call you? Do you guys just chat on instant messenger? I was confused about that, because it stuck out to me as if she wouldn't allow YOU to call HER, it would be her contacting you. Does that make sense? I don't want to assume that was what you meant.

Also, I'm sure the third world country issue doesn't help things for communication, but at the same time, if she is not sharing her daily life with you, you guys argue a lot, and you do not feel that she supports your art, are you sure that this is really a healthy relationship for you to be in? I recognize that you love her, but I'm just wondering if you went back and read what you wrote above, then maybe you might see that some of the issues and concerns you have are valid, and that she isn't putting in her fair share?

Just a thought...


AMP

MissAli,

Thank you so much for your valuable reply, no of course not, I'll surely clarify

Well, we spoke a few times on the phone, I can't call her because she can't talk to me on the phone when she's home because of her parents, they are a bit strict, plus, she rarely go out... Yes she called me a few times and you can't imagine how happy I am when I hear her voice because it feels so... real! Yes and unfortunately, we only chat through instant messengers! The same thing applies on webcaming and videocall (because of her parents and brothers!), again, I told her that she doesn't have to worry, I understand her conditions pretty well

No, I don't think it's a healthy relationship, the problem is that I can't really separate between what is as usual wrong with me, my emotions and BPD AND between what's really wrong with the relationship (from her side) (do you BPD sufferers also feel the same?), I just can't! Exactly, that's how I feel but I am never sure because of my BPD also, I can't really just "leave" because of my BPD as well, I will feel so empty and depressed! Ironically, I sometimes think that if she decides to end up the relationship because she has fallen in love with another person, then it will be a lot easier for me to leave as well! (How weird is that!)

In the meantime, I am counting on our real meeting, maybe in reality, she's a "bit" different, I don't know but I am sure from one thing, whatever I think about, do or say, is always my fault thanks to my BPD I once apologized to her and told her that you have never done anything negative to me, it was always me the problem, but deep down inside, I knew that what I was saying is a bit illogical and unrealistic, yet I just can't trust my emotions and again, thx to BPD!

art10

Hi art!!

I'm glad that you replied back!

I know what you mean, about separating your feelings and the emotions tied up with BPD. However, one thing to realize is that even though we aren't completely rational in our reactions, our emotions are incredibly real. Its just that sometimes the motivation doesn't make sense. Does that make sense? I guess the sense in that is that sometimes we don't make sense, but to be perfectly honest, I think that you may be being unfair to yourself, and that is something that you may want to consider. Sometimes we allow our self-worth to depend on how others see us, or the feedback that we get, and that is the translucent self we've got. But when we're aware of what we're doing, sometimes it bears sense that we start to evaluate how much we put on ourselves as truly being at fault, and other times to let others take responsibility for theirs also.

I wish you well, and hope that you keep posting with us :0)


AMP

Your words do make sense a lot, of course our emotions are incredibly real! Here's what usually happens with me (just like last night)

I confront her with an issue, at first I seem to be 100% right, she apologizes, however I further explain to her the issue and I gently ask her to consider "a change" a bit more (not just a "sorry" as usual), but she starts to ignore it by saying "here we go again" or just replying by "ok" (which of course, means to a BPD sufferer that she's not "responding enough") so I start to gradually lose it (towards myself of course, negative feelings appear...), she becomes 100% right and I start to sense worthless, guilty and wrong because of my-over reaction! So she leaves (she had to leave, not because of me) with final replies such as: "ok, don't worry, it's ok" and I, of course, take them as a negative sign since I am used to more "love" replies.

Enter hell, I cry all night, I'm on a BPD forum, so you folks definitely know that even "hell" (the religious one) is too soft for "BPD hell"

What to do now

Hmmm... well in hopes that you will begin to start some form of treatment in the future, as you said you aspire to travel farther and move, I'd like to tell you that there are quite a few books available that have been tremendous help to me personally, and there are many free websites with mindfulness technique-teaching, and also for DBT self-help.

Have you begun to look into any of them, in anticipation of beginning a therapy regimen? The only reason that I ask is because I think at this point, there is a lower chance of survival and success with ANY relationship (especially one with distance), without you acknowledging and beginning to work on some of the independent tools you can use to remove your "self" from the emotional cogs of you "both", and that will help you to understand when you may be being unreasonable, and how to take a step back, versus the times that you have a right to ask for validation for your feelings.

If you want any links to ones I've personally used, and continue to use, or if you're a reader, send me a PM, or reply on here, and I will send a list. I'm reading a new one that is by a professor from Univ. of South Carolina, but its certainly not for every BPD. I even get lost in some of the terminology. I like the memoir-style books the most.

Let me know your preference?

AMP

MissAli,

Thank you so much for your tremendous help, yes please PM me with links and the ones you personally read and used...

I highly appreciate that!

art10

Hi art10!

Check your PM's - there should be more than enough in there to get you started :0).


We're all here for you anytime!

AMP