I have a few questions, if that's okay. Kind of long read.

Hi, I'm new to this forum, and this whole BPD thing in general. I have a few questions so I am obviously looking for answers, about life mostly. Can somebody just give me somewhere to start and some insight? I'll give you a quick back story about myself.

Please humor me, because I have no one else to talk to.

I am 18 years old and I try not to feel sorry for myself, but I'm not happy. I feel empty all the time. Even when I'm doing things I enjoy, and I am happy until I remember that this it is going to end soon. Everything is temporary, some things just last longer than others. I fantasize about dying a lot, sometimes about committing suicide. I once wrote down all of the last things I would say to my closest friends before I killed myself, and then sent it texts to them. They were very vague so no one had a clue, but I still enjoyed it, even though I still don't know what I accomplished. I think I romanticize death a lot. I don't plan on killing myself any time soon or anything like that, but I don't think it's the worst thing that could happen.

I am a very unmotivated person. I don't really like going places, other than big events such as concerts and things of that nature. I'm a year behind in school, scheduled to hopefully graduate in a month. I'm behind because I've always had a hard time getting up in the morning. To people that don't understand, the only way I know how to describe it is like in movies when you see someone dumped with a broken heart, how they wake up in the morning and only move to hit the alarm clock before spending as long as they possibly can in bed. The fact that I am usually up most nights thinking about the same list of things probably doesn't help me waking up, either. I have talked to my vice principal a few times about this a few times, which is the only reason I haven't been kicked out yet. Although, I have never told her the half of it.

I used to be very dependent on people always wondering what my friends thought about what I'm doing, or who I like, or whatever else. I always wanted to be with them whenever I could. I have found this year, that is no longer the case. Where I used to go out 4 days of the week last year, I am going out one day, or 2 days max, and most weeks none. At school during lunch I have started going to the library to catch up on things because I don't feel like being with people all the time matters any more. Not just that, but even about 75% of the time I was at home, I was on xbox live talking to people, or trying to, while now I haven't been on in months. I now feel like I could cut out 95% of the people in my life and nothing would change.

Lastly, I have never had a girlfriend, because I am afraid of hurting someone. I feel like most people are afraid of rejection, I think a lot about how I know I will do something to screw it up. Currently I am I have been talking to a girl a lot who used to be an outsider socially. She is very innocent, and modest, and adorable. She has never drank before, and is just that kind of inexperienced person. I find that extremely attractive. Even though I have been around the block a few times, she is pretty much exactly what I am looking for, and what I strive to be. We are getting closer and closer, and the problem is that I don't know how to be a proper boyfriend. How am I supposed to always care for her, when for the most part, I don't care about anything? How am I supposed to value her, if I don't value my own life? I think the saying is "How can you love somebody else, if you don't love yourself?" That is basically how I feel.

Note: While I do say I don't care about things, it's hard to explain. I do have a bleeding heart, I feel like I am very compassionate. For example, I've been on a mission trip to Haiti a year ago and am going back in September, and I am a vegetarian for ethical reasons. I'm not trying to brag or show off or anything (if thats even something to brag about), I'm just trying to help you understand me a little bit more.

I have absolutely considered that I am just a whiney teenager that is just lazy and careless, but that is part of my problem. I hate that so much. I hate I don't know. Am I just looking for someone to understand me? Don't we all face that problem? Am I just average? I don't want to be average. I don't think any of us do. Lastly, am I just making myself seem worse off to give myself the answer I crave? Do I fill out questionnaires subconsciously picking the answers I know will make me seem more messed up?

3 major things I feel like could have an a major effect on me is

1. My dad left when I was 8. I don't really know what to say about this. I never really thought much of it up until earlier this year. Would have been nice to have a father this last while. I think because of this I tend to push people away before they can leave me, especially friends. I am very quick to drop friends if I feel like they don't appreciate our friendship, if they or negative, or sometimes for just no reason. This can also be said about losing interest a lot in future love interests.


2. My mom and I are polar opposites. We don't see eye to eye on anything, and the only time we talk is when she's complaining about something. She is very stressed about money constantly, and will put it all on me. She owes me quiet a bit of money too. My mom cries a lot about it, and about her adopted parents. They both died when she was about my age. She says this line a lot, "Why isn't any body helping me?" I try very hard not to pick that line up. I don't like thinking that people are in any debt to me, or that they are here for me.

Also, me and my sister have spent the better part of the last 2 years not talking. So my household is pretty isolated. We each keep to ourselves for the most part. During Christmas dinner no one really said anything. Thats just an example. ..it would be nice, you know?

3. My mom is a hoarder. My house is disgusting. I cannot have any body over, and I have to make crazy excuses every time someone brings anything up about coming over sometime. I don't even tell my best friends. Maybe its symbolic of my life? Who knows.


I took a personality disorder test the other day, and got these results, which seems pretty accurate when I think about it. The first number is my score, and the second is the average.

Borderline 74-51
Paranoid 66-53
Schizotypal 66-52
Dependant 62-46
Avoidant 50-52
Antisocial 46-46
Histrionic 42-37
Schizoid 38-38
Obsessive-Compulsive 26-45
Narcissistic 26-35

I also took another BPD test and I got If you scored 35. 33 & up are considered severe.


I don't really know how to end this... This was a lot longer than I ever imagined. I expected 3-4 paragraphs at most. This basically is my life story. I don't want it to all sound bad. I am a very charismatic person while I am out and about in public. People tend to trust me easy. The greatest compliment I ever received was a person I just met said, "Do I know you? I feel like we've known each other for years. I feel like you already know everything about me, like if I am talking to one of my old friends."

Even if no one reads the whole thing, I feel a bit better after it anyways. I'm sure you all see this all the time. If anybody did read it, I would like your impute. I'm not really sure what the question is anymore.... Well anyways, what do you think... about anything? I look forward to reading your response.

hey there,

sounds like you've got quite a bit on your plate. I cannot respond to everything right now as I'm at work, but just wanted to say:

-don't trust those online tests, according to them I'm a 80% sociopath . just cos I get a wee bit iffy sometimes.

-if you're concerned that you may have BPD, I recommend talking to a professional. maybe there's a school counsellor or someone you can trust and who will treat your info in a confidential way?

-whether or not you have it, your mum sounds like she is quite troubled and I think that in itself must be hard on you and could definitely account for some of your issues.

I find it really sweet that you care about this girl so much and don't want to mess up. Tbh, that is more consideration than most non-disordered guys I've been out with have had so don;t rush yourself but also don't let your sense of responsibility paralyse you - we all mess up sometimes and at least you're trying hard not to!

wish you all the best!

-

Howdy, IDE; welcome to the nuthouse!

Don't sweat over the long post. 90% of the people who come here, start off with a big post. In our world, there's a lot to get off of our chests, and when you finally find somewhere that you can be yourself, the floodgates really do open. I'm just glad that you felt comfortable enough with us already to open up this much.

Well, like LeFay said, don't rely exclusively on on-line tests. How you're feeling that particular minute can greatly impact what the results are. If you're in a depressed mood, it'll feel like forever since you've been happy, even though it may have been as recently as yesterday. You give off a LOT of non-verbal cues that real people pick up on but online tests don't. Don't get me wrong; online tests are a good place to start, but don't rely on their results as gospel. Definitely go to a live person for a more accurate diagnosis.

For the sleeping issue, the first thing I'd recommend is to leave a pen and paper by your bed. As the thoughts race through your mind, write them down. It seems to be that people think of things constantly, while lying in bed, because they're almost afraid to forget them. Writing them down lets your brain relax a little, knowing that the info will still be there in the morning. Even just emotions, write down how you're feeling. It's silly, but it works.

Failing that, you may want to talk to your doc about being put on sedatives. I'm not one to push pills, but if you're not sleeping, then something needs to be done about it.

Glad to hear that things may heat up between you and this girl! As to how you can care for her, don't question that - just let it happen. Ever hear that cliché about when you love someone more than life itself? The only difference between us and everyone else is we mean it. And don't worry about not being a "proper boyfriend." There's no tried and true method to it; just treat her like you love her, and everything else will fall into place. Sure there'll be bumps along the way, but there are in every relation. All you need to realize is that they're bumps and not roadblocks, and it'll be all good.

I am going to not deal with the causes, for two reasons. First, the reasons people develop BPD seem to be quite random, and secondly, I'm one of those ones that makes the numbers look random. I had a complete Norman Rockwell childhood, and yet, here I am nonetheless. I'm sure others here, with more similar experiences to yours, will be able to give you some more advice in this region than I am capable of.

If you ever need to chat with someone, but don't want it aired publicly, just send a PM to either myself or MissAli; we're always around.

I'm not sure I can really help, but I completely relate to what you wrote. When I was around your age (I'm 26 now) I feel like I was in a very similar place. I got rid of all of my friends. I stopped going to school. Life seemed empty... and pointless to continue. Motivation was big problem for me as well... it still is, but what helps me there is just trying to clarify the life I want.

My situation was similar too with my family... my father was pretty much completely out of the picture, and my mother had financial problems which she blamed on my brother and I. She was emotionally volatile... more angry than anything else. It may not seem like a lot, but it is hard to deal with this. You need parents... you need them to learn how to live in this world, and having physically or emotionally absent parents can really impact you as a person.

Growing up, my house was a wreck too... my mother wouldn't be considered a hoarder, but extremely disorganized... things everywhere, boxes, papers. Being poor on top of that, especially when I was young... the electricity being turned off, no phone sometimes... I was really embarrassed. I know how that feels. I never tell anyone about it. You will have your own life soon though.

At any rate, I don't know if you have BPD, or even if I have BPD for sure (my old doc just outlined the symptoms but didn't diagnose me). But it sounds like you are unhappy with the way things are going and I think that therapy can help. I don't know how accessible it is to you right now, but keep it in mind if not. Medication never helped me personally... I severely regret taking any honestly, so I'd be cautious... though I guess it helps some people.