How do you get help for something that feels normal..?

Last night while talking with a friend [actually...my ex-boyfriend AND friend] I came upon a realization. Something that I wish I would not have realized..because now I am really confused.

First, background information...

Ryan [my friend] and I have had a very rollercoaster-like relationship. The problems didn't start until we got close with one another. Before we became close friends, he was just a buddy whom I'd sit with in class and eat lunch with. We never saw each other outside of school, and rarely ever talked with each other online.

But one day, for my birthday, I invited him over and we hung out. After that, we started talking online with each other- sometimes for hours until the wee hours of the morning. Soon I felt like I'd created this indestructable bond with him. I felt like he completed me, and could possibly be the one to permanently bring me out of my depression.

My depression has been an ongoing thing since around 10th grade. During this time I isolated myself from my family and withdrew into my mind. I brooded with my lonliness and kept myself drugged up most of the time. During my 10th and 11th grade years alone, I probably spent hundreds of dollars of Robitussin [the chemical that controls cough, dextromethrophan, in large doses provides a psychedelic dissociative like high similar to ketamine]. I was mentally addicted to "dexing" as it was called, and I also dabbled with a few pills [mainly Benzodiazapams] whenever I could get some.

But almost every day I'd wake up in a filth, something that no matter hard I tried, I couldn't get rid of. I cut myself. I told myself it was so I wouldn't feel so numb, but to this date I'm not sure why I cut myself. It seemed...satisfying in a way. Even after numerous trips to the shrink and a script of Lexapro, things were still gray.

But no, now Ryan somehow seemed like he would be the one to save me. And we got closer and closer to one another. We were together so much that going without each other for a day was torture. Eventually our friendship escalated into a sexual friendship until ultimately we started dating.

We ###$ each other only a few weeks after we started dating. And we continued to do so for months. The sex was really fun to me, in the sense that afterwards it would always leave me feeling empty. [I am not a sexually charged person...] But in a way it was fufilling.

Only a month or so after we had started to go out, the episodes began. There was some dirtyness- some underlying SOMETHING there with him that wasn't there before. Just by thinking about this in a matter of minutes I would go from loving him to hating him. I'd treat him as if he was inferior to me, and say hurtful things to him. For some reason I felt no remore while I was doing it. Sometimes I would intentionally hurt him by hitting him, kicking him, or biting him. This would last from a day or two to an entire week. Then, as abruptly as it came, the "funk" [as I like to call it] would lift off of me, and I would feel horrible for what I'd done- not knowing exactly WHY I did it to him. I loved him. He ment everything to me. Why would I want to hurt him?

This patteren continued throughout our senior year of highschool. Ryan truly loved me and cared for me, so eventhough he would be broken hearted, he never left me. He just took my insults. Alot of times I would talk about how he was below my potential and I could do much much better than him.

But he stuck with me. My depression, for the most part, regressed into these brief episodic moments where life would seem flat and meaningless, but it would never last long.

Now here I am in college.
I broke up with Ryan around a month ago, but he still loves me and cares for me. And I still need him as a friend, so we still hang around each other. But breaking up hasnt stoped my abuse of him. If anything it has increased because I don't have as much guilt as I would if we were still going out.

But back to last night's conversation.
We were talking about how I can't break the cycle of being his friend then turning around and hating him and making him feel like $#%^. I tell him that I just can't help it and that how in a matter of minutes I can go from seeing him as my best friend whom I care about deepy to someone who I hate and who I can take pleasure in making them sad.

I tell him how it's just...happens.
He says then that sometimes he wonders if it's an imbalance.
Being curious myself, I Google my "symptoms" and after a while come across BPD. While reading it I felt like I was reading an entry out of my Livejournal or something. I sent him a link that describes BPD, and after reading it he said "I hate to admit it, but this fits you to a T"

But I would not beleive this if Ryan were the only person whom I'd become close too and then pushed away. But throughout my life I've always had problems sustaining close relationships with people. Eventhough I'm somewhat a shy and quiet person, I have no problem interacting with people. But when it comes to having intimite friendships or relationships with people, I've never been able to sustain one for a long period of time. I've never known why every "best" friend I've hadm I've always blamed it on my inability to be social and outgoing. Or maybe I was too "weird" for most people to hang around for a long time.

But reading this...
it all makes sense.

The drug use [when I'm dexed, I feel at east with myself- even now I do], the ruined relationships, my mood swings...or then again, does it make sense because I want it to make sense?

I'm so confused,
should I actually try and get "help" for my "problem?"

Why am I like this?
Looking back on my childhood,
my mother took good care of me.
As did the rest of my family.
The only thing I was lacking were children my age to interact with, but that didn't bother me.

The only...problem that I had occured when I was 12. I was spending the night at my Grandma's house and my cousing came over. He was only a year or two older than I, so the age difference wasn't that big of a difference. I was alright with him being there- we actually had fun playing and watching tv. Everything was fine...until he started touching me. I didn't try to resist him. I just blanked out. Thinking back on it, it was such a filthy ######6 thing for him to do. We both were sitting on the couch with our Grandma to our direct left sitting in her recliner watching TV. What he does...is puts a ######6 pillow- A ######6 PILLOW over my crotch and then has his way. Then later on that night [unfortunately he spent the night] he tries to come into my room where I was going to sleep, but my Grandpa walks in and he gets scared and goes to his own room. The next day, that morning, we're up [alone] and he decides that we should play "doggies" and wrestles around on the floor...and manages to land on top of of me. He tried to get in my pants, but I manage to get up and avoid him. The worst part of the expierence with him, and the last [thank God] was when something actually happened. I'm not sure how far it went. My memory of the event is fuzzy- even while it was happening I wasn't there. I was inside myself thinking about how wrong this was and how I should stop this. But at the same time, for some odd reason, I didn't want to tell him to stop. For some odd ######6 reason...I didn't want to hurt him.

I've told few souls about that,
I'm somewhat hesitant about posting it-
I wouldn't if I didn't think that could have effected me in some negetive way..


If I do, how in the hell do I go about trying to explain to a counselor that I beleive I have BPD without them thinking that I'm overacting or without them sending me in a circle of "try this new method of thinking and see if it works" or "try that and we'll see how you are in a month".

Im an 18 year old female at Appalachian State University. There is a psychiactric service here on campus. Should I make an appointment?

Part of me says no, because there is no problem- that if I've been able to go this long that I should tough it out for the rest of my life. Another part says no because I'd rather hold it all inside and battle it own my own just to keep my mom happy- I don't want her to worry like she did when I was going to counseling in highschool. Then again...a small part of me says yes, that I'm missing out on so much beauty in life because of my turmoil.

Sorry for the long post...
but I need help.

=/

I know exactly how you feel, and it took m a longtime to figure out i had a problem because i kept ignoring it, o thinking that just because i hadn't had one of my moods for a month, i was fixed. your experience is very similar to mine, the drygs and the self harm, the strnage relationships, and i can reall relate...
All my relationships had been a disaster, and then my present bf came along and it was real love, he is so wonderful and i thought that that would make sure i didn't treat him like the others.
But i did- i screamed at him, slapped him, said the most horrible things that at the time felt dseved, but upon the mood lifting, i felt such horrbile guilt, i hated myself for hurting him and didn't know why i was doing it. It was something we both accepted as a part of me, and something he didn't understasnd but put up with becuase he lvoed me.
It all came to a head four weeks ago when he had to work back and i turned it into a huge deal, screaming at him over the phone that i hated him, that he was never there and that he didn't love me.
He is very caring, we spend all our time together and he is always doing sweet little things to show me he cares, but for some reasoin i never seem to remember that, only the fact that something he's said or done, although very small, is hurting me now therefore he is an evil bastard.
So after screaming at him, and him telling me that because of the way i was acting, he didn't want to see me at all until i'd calmed out and stopped screaming, i took alot of pills and rang him to tell him it was his fault and that now i'd killed myself and he was going to feel guilty for the rest of his life. He took me to the hospital, and i thought that after 11 happy months he would simply leave me there and that would be it, that i'd totally lost him, but he stayed and that day, after years of seeing a therapist and being on anti-depressants with no answers or real sense of help, i was told i had BPD.
Finding out more about it, it was so scary, reading through the brochures and information sheets i was stunned to tears, as was my boyfriend, that the description fit me so well. It was amazing.

It's been a hard month, having to accept that things about me that i thought were me, and "normal" aren't, and it's really affected my sense of identity, but has also helped me to undrstand more about myself.

i'd suggest getting some help, doing all you can to help yourself because if you're anything like me, it's a bleak future when you think that this is the way things will always be, such awful emotions, black moods that are completely enveloping and intense...

The fact that Ryan is still close to you shows you have hope, and if you help yourself and do your best to get through this and take control not only will you be happier in the long run, but you have a chance to really prove to yourself how strong you are and prove to him that you care enough about him and (most importantly) yourself to get help and take control of your life. It'll do you the world of good, really...

I know that i feel that, for the first time since i was a kid, i actually have hope and trust in myself and really hope that i have something to offer people in terms of understanding and advice on the matter...

Good luck with things, i hope everything works out

Although I have not been diagnosed yet, it really scared me to think that the things that I thought were me really aren't. If that's not me, then who am I?

I'm still trying to decide where I want to take all this- if I want to try to go to the counselor or not. I really am split about this- half of me is thinking that I'm just reading too much into things, then my other half is telling me something needs to be done.

Thanks for taking out the time to respond btw

I know what you mean, but you're only making it harder for yourself if you leave it.
I can really relate to not knowing whats you and what's not- it's been a huge issue for me over the last month and I've been totally confused about my identity and it's hard, but the way i see it i have a great boyfriend who really cares, I'm back at university studying and i have a really good parttime job, and i want to keep these things. If I'm always waiting to stuff up and blow it and let my moods and behaviour ruin it than I'll never really be happy, because i'll never really be in control.
It's not a quick fix but i think anyone who has a problem like this- even if you don't have bpd- owes it to themselves to take care of it and try to deal with it, because although it's really scary to have confront it, these things just hold you back.

I do ask as I have the situation both of you have described with my past boyfriends and this morning i have just done it with my boyfriend now for the first time, we have only been together two weeks but he is one of my brothers friends and i had always liked him and i met him out clubbing a couple of weeks ago and well you know how it goes. But although i knew he was working til 9pm yesterday i text him during the day twice and got so mad when he didnt get back to me so he text me once or twice in the evening but then it just stopped. i know there are so many possible explasnations for this eg. ran out of money on his phone etc but i hate him so much for it its like he has let me down so badly and lied to me and he never really cared. So i knew he was working today aswell but i sent him another message finishing with him, but somehow twisting it round to him that it was him who had finished with me you know? i havent bee diagnosed with BDP but looking through all the posts and reading all the symptoms online its just so me, its painful.
I think you are lucky in a way because i never found anyone to stick by me through all the "tantrums" my ex bf even said he thought i had split personalities because i switched so badly in my moods and feelings with him. No one ever really understood and i didnt understand myself, still dont i just am tooooo scared to say anything to anyone about what i think about having BDP as they just wont take me seriously. i have been seeing a counsiller for over a year surely she would have picked up on this right? the anti depressants take the edge of feeling suicidal - sometimes but they do nothing really. Someone please help me i dont know what to do if this is being a normal person and there is nothing wrong with me i dont think i can do this much longer you know. Its sheer tourture.

I, myself have been dx'ed with BPD, and I am the same age as you. I too cannot maintain a relatiionship very long. Usually for me it's sex, nothing more nothing less. But seriously if I could go back and do it all over again, I would. The cutting, the drugs, the drunken sex, all of it. For the most part therapy has been a good thing for me. If I wasn't getting help, I don't know where I'd be. Probably dead. It has changed some of my ways of thinking, helped with the abandonment fears, dependancy etc. I suggest that you get help, whether you have BPD or not, because in the long run, you will not regret it. No matter what you're suffering from, depression w/e getting help and meds can help you. If you ever need to talk, pm me

I think the fact that my boyfriend has been so understanding and supportive is one of the reasons I'm coping, i spent so long either alone or jumping from dodgy relationship to dodgy relationship that when i found this guy i really appreciated having someone to really give me encouragement and a reason to help myself, and although he's not THE reason I'm trying hard to get through this instead of just ignoring it again, he's given me back a sense of self worth just by seeing my good points and accepting me as i am, and it just makes such a difference. But being with somebody when you're like this is really hard, before my prsent boyfriend came along i had a series of just nightmare relationships, that varied in ###$ immensely, from me being the cruel cheating ice queen to being the emotional punching bag by a guy who knew my weaknesses and manipulated them constantly to his advantage, to straight out sex things.. Just meeting this guy and having the feeling of hope, of "normality" and stablity, it's really helped.
I think everyone can benefit from having a person like that, not even a boyfriend, just a friend or family member, somebody who knows you personally and can give you a sense of who you are when you can't see past the pain and can listen and try to understand and be non-judgemental when you're not in a good way.
I agree that whether BPD or not, help is needed. I'm 25, and after years of trying to handle things and pretending my feelings will just go away, i've started getting therapy and even though it's early days, just the feeling of hope is a big help. The way i see it i have about 50 years ahead of me, and if i stay this way I'm either going to really kill myself this time or spent alot of time suffering, and i think everyone is worth more than that. It can only help, really...

It's really great to come on here and find othe people who feel the way I do and have had simlilar experiences, whether they're BPD or trying to find out, it makes me feel much better about myself to know that I'm not the only one who feels this way and does things like this

Hi all
I only just realized how this is affecting my life. I though that I could just go on taking on dayt at a time, doing whatever, hurting however and blming everyone else.
I have nearly lost the only person I love, I have compromised myself with wierd sexual activities with strangers, become addicted to drugs and booze. this has been going on for years and yet, last Friday, finally realised I was losing it. WOuld love to talk further with you guys,

like dreadohdreads i have not been diagnosed but this has been something affecting me and my relationships for far too long and have split with many due to this. But my current bf i really care about and don't want to loose him but it is already really affecting the relationship. i don't know what to tell him, i mean what if i don't actually have it although everything i have said and others have said only leads to convince me more i just don't want to look a fool you know?
What do i say to him? what do i say to my counseller? who i am going to see in bout an hour and a half? i can't go on like this but i can't bring myself to say anything, i don't want to look stupid. even tho i'm so convinced i do have BPD and im sure i do i'm nervous as hell if my counseller doesn't i mean i would look so stupid and surely after a year she would already have picked up on it? no? please help.......

by the way that Guest post was mine...sorry...lol