Anyone relate. or am I just a freak?

So... 26 years into life and I am still a totally lost boy doing things I completely regret and things that I know are bad ideas but just getting caught up heavily in my feelings and then just doing it anyway. I don't know why, I think I need to feel marginalised to validate myself. I am not sure, just last week the person I was seeing decided that they didn't want to see me anymore...

It wasn't me, it was them. So I obsessed about it, text about it, posted crap on my Facebook about it (In an unobvious fashion to claw at some “dignity”) then eventually spazed out and went to see my friend about it, told him I wanted to destroy society, told him I had no remorse. Told him I want to be a nightmare in the suburban dreamscape. Finally I shut up and apologised and explained why I was so upset. Then infront of my friend I rang up the person I was seeing, asked them to think about it, told them that we could love each other one day, got rejected, made a few threats, got hung up on and then immediately sent them an email apologising for what I had said on the phone, just because once clarity had caught up with me I realised how ridiculous it all was.

Within the next hour my massive anger/depression/upset turned easily into some weird sort of euphoria. My friend couldn't understand why I had been so hell bent on the phone, but I explained that it was just a way to guarantee abandonment so I could feel normal, it's easy to get over someone once you mess things up so much they will never speak to you again. It kills all hope and gives me peace of mind (PIECE OF MIND). These romantic affections/feelings I have, I think I convince myself of., like I’m not even sure if they are real but at the time it feels so good and so intense and so beautiful because to the other person it is real, so I convince myself I feel the same, when I just love the affection and feeling like I matter, feeling like a person. But the cold reality of it is I am just playing out some movie falling involve stuff just looking for the right cues on the other persons face and saying the right things but it feels so good, so pure and so real.

Don Juan ain't got nothing on me... I am the greatest boyfriend in the world until the cracks start to show and I can no longer present myself as this brilliant, intelligent, articulate, outgoing and learned human being. I quickly descend into a stoic, callous monster or as my Father would think of it, I become a "real man" and then I quickly become an enraged little boy once someone penetrates what I think is totally impervious (My feelings). Then the angry little boy says a bunch of $#%^ that I immediately regret and maybe even acts like a total psycho and then it's time to break it down and I predictably I fall to the floor crying my eyes out . Rationalising all my bull, promising that it’ll change that I don’t want to be like this.

Then once that familiar numb feeling comes back I sadly realise that I am just testing the water with those I care about, but to this day I have always pushed too hard. Every last person who told me they can handle it, unwillingly evokes some sort of challenge from myself to prove them wrong. To prove to me that they can't love me. To prove I am worthless.

And the worst thing about this all is it was put onto me, I was made this way through the atrocity of child hood. I paid for this with tears and now it’s not going to leave me alone. It’s going to ruin everything I try to do. I am always going to be that scared little boy who thinks every road is leading to abandonment.
Now I realise I have been playing the pronoun game, They/We/Them. Part of me thinks I'm gay, another part of me thinks I'm not. I think I just want to latch onto some sense of identity. Realistically it probably falls to the fact I can have sex with a woman but I am a lot more comfortable in a relationship with another man. It's embarrassing to think of all the skins I present myself in. I got a different face for everyone I meet. A different lie, sometimes I want to be Clint Eastwood and sometimes I want to be a Puppy Dog, I find myself laughing sometimes just thinking I don't have a clue who I am and never have. One side of me is totally liberal, the other is fascist. Sometimes I just want to provoke the entire world, sometimes I just want to love it. The constant shift between bliss and devastation has my mind in knots but it's normality to me. I am black and white. Ridiculous to think that there is function in dysfunction.

So why am I putting this all out there? To be honest, I am sitting alone in my bed. I have been here since I finished work on Saturday night (I'm a barman at a gay night club) I have 10 essays to do and I haven’t touched one of them. The only thing I have realised in the past 72 hours is that I have a crush on Edward Norton.

I think I am putting all of this out there because I am trying see if anyone else gets it. I don't want to go into my deep weird ass childhood or my crappy relationships with my parents.

I am diagnosed with BPD but I just feel like a marginal freak. I just want to know if anyone else relates. I have been a very stupid boy recently and done some really stupid things. I guess I signed up so I have an avenue where I can be honest and not hide what I try I hide from the world.

Thanks for reading.

thewall wrote:The only thing I have realised in the past 72 hours is that I have a crush on Edward Norton.

Sorry I just approved your post and wanted to comment that having a man-crush on Edward Norton is totally normal. In fact, it may indicate normal functioning of your perceptual apparatus (Retina, Photoreceptors, Optic Nerve, Visual Cortex, etcetera).



Welcome to the forum and best wishes.

He looks like my ex, it kills me.

Hi there,
You've written at such a length, that I almost don't know what to say, other than thank you, sincerely, for your openess and your honesty, it's a wonderful thing to see that someone can let it all out there and be vulnerable like that. I think that people with BPD do generally fight with their identities, but the way you've verbalized it is just amazing.

I really hope that you are able to be yourself, your true self in your life. It must be frustrating to play those games of testing who will stay and who will leave, and the internal battle, I know is hard. I too get a sick relief when someone disappoints, because that's what I feel I deserve also.

All I can say is that I hope you find some peace. That, and Edward Norton is a cutie.
Best Wishes to you.

I can relate. I can be so stupidly black and white, it irritates the crap out of me. I can be the loving, silly, adorable me one minute and the pissed off, vengeful, full of overflowing hatred me the next. any tiny little thing can turn me from loving the world, seeing beauty everywhere, enjoying strangers' smiles as they walk by me, to being in the darkest mental place, blaming everything wrong in my life on the Universe because it's so obviously out to get me, being completely disgusted by every single human being I lay eyes on, etc etc. I rarely stay the same version of myself for an entire day.

I've also done some really stupid things. trust me. so, in sum.... I get it. for however much it's worth.

also, I just have to say, who DOESN'T have a crush on Edward Norton?? I mean, really. he's f*cking brilliant, and adorable, and I love his voice. he is my #1 crush in the whole world, ever.

All I can say is yes. I relate. Definitely. Unfortunately.

This was last week for me. Now I'm trying to pick up the pieces again...