New, scared & posted in wrong forum ooops...

I meant to post this here last night but posted in the general mental illness forum instead....

Hi.

I'm new... new here, and new to realizing I'm BPD.

I was diagnosed a year ago when I asked my therapist to give me a diagnostic test to figure out what's wrong with me, since I've known all my life I'm not exactly normal, but wasn't sure what "it" was.

She diagnosed me as BPD, 246 I think on the DSM scale or something, I forget, but we shrugged it off as the time as something interesting but not worthy getting horribly worked up about.

But then I had a meltdown over a relationship a month ago, the worst of my life, hit out in a hotel for a weekend calling suicide hotlines and friends, trying to keep myself sane, and the suicide hotline guy said after an hour of talking to me that I was classic BPD.

Not able to snap out of my meltdown I started reading up on BPD and lightbulbs started flashing left and right.

In the past couple of weeks I've gone on Effexor and have started going through a Dialectic Therapy workbook with my therapist and been reading lots on BPD but I've been acting out more and more lately...

... it's almost like in accepting what I have, I'm giving myself really messed up permission to act on it even more. It feels like every day I'm having an episode of some sort, where I'm overreacting to things to an extreme, hurting myself or others in the process with my emotional outbursts. And the more I embrace that I have BPD, it's like I'm in this weird phase of testing it and acting it out as if to prove I really have it.

I feel both out of control and oddly in control at the same time.

Did anyone else act out like this when they first realized they had BPD?

I don't want to become obsessed with BPD itself, but I *do* have these obsessive tendencies and here I am, and I just want to be normal, but I have to give up on that, don't I?

I hate this. And I'm overwhelmed.

And I lost my @$%* workbook with all my personal notes in it about suicidal tendencies and worse... could be in my boss's office for all I know. (trying not to freak)

Ummm, hi
nancat

Hah.

Found the workbook... the housecleaners put it on a high up perch of my cat tree... WTF?? :) Big relief.

I spent today shopping for a new therapist bc my current one won't do dialectic cognitive therapy exercises WITH me... she says I have to do it on my own with the workbook.

I need someone more intensively hands on with the DCT. Think I found one today, but the only one in town I found to say yes to doing in-session DCT is ten years my junior, new to the practice, and I'm afraid I won't take her seriously and will be able to walk all over her. Unlike the current therapist, who won't do the work with me but at least is older and intimidating and yells at me when I get manipulative.

Thoughts on THIS issue?

Anyone wanna welcome me to the forum yet?

nancat;

Welcome to the forum..
Im sure the others will be along to welcome you as well.
You made your way here.. that is all that matters.

Please do not think that you are being ignored, that is not the case. Some times people just do not know what answer to give you.

hugs

Hey nancat,

Welcome to the forum

I also started acting up a lot more when diagnosed. I think when you do find out what is wrong with you, you let everything go and think "it's ok to act out on this because I have this". It's not the healthy way, but for some reason it happens. People tend to get worse before they get better. I know I definitely did!

Sounds like you're making progress with it all though, that's really good! DBT is excellent for BPD. Im glad your therapist is helping more. I hope you like it here, psychforums is a very supportive place

TY Myfault & Chaude... appreciate the greetings and well wishes.

Looking forward to learning & listening here...

Not thrilled with the therapy situation and will have to make a tough choice in the coming weeks about whether or not to switch therapists to better deal with the BPD But it does seem like DBT is the way to go for me... just wish I could "fix" myself faster. I keep doing Bad Things. No violence, just lots of emotional outbursts, obsessiveness, punishing people when they hurt me.... putting both career and personal relationships at risk. Hope to carve out time from work this week to work through my workbook now and at least start mastering the "distraction" skills....

I'm sorry you're going through that but hopefully things will pick up soon for you. I think DBT is the way to go for you, definitely. If you don't feel your therapist is helping though, it's probably time to change.. But remember, it is for the best. You have to find someone who works for you and gives you the help you need. Ive been through a tonne of therapists and I've finally found one I like and who helps me! I hope you have the same luck. You have to sort through the bunch and find a good one for you.

The things you're doing at the moment, they're hard to break out of. But I think working on your distraction techniques will help you a lot. I always find a good distraction to be watching a tv series, or having a hot bubble bath with lavender bath soap.

Hi nancat!


Welcome to the diagnosis! We're happy to have you here!!!

I am glad that you have started DBT, but I do want to caution you on something...

Even though you're new to the BPD diagnosis, there is going to be an unbridled and impulsive drive to do bad things, or acting out, as a few of you guys have put it. Please keep cautious in doing this - because if and when you hurt someone that you do care about, using BPD as an "excuse" isn't going to fly. Around here we try to be cognizant of being held accountable for our actions, but I understand also if you are not in a place yet where you are wanting to get acquainted with this.

I apologize if I've somehow upset you, but I wanted to just give a tidbit of advice, if I may, to save you future heartache.

Again - we are very happy you found us here!

<3


AMP

I'm new here too and I've noticed since I've began taking it more seriously that I've acted out more and i guess given myself permission in a weird way cause i have this but i know that's not right I'm not trying to use it as an excuse to get away with my behavior because i know I'm still responsible for my actions it's just easier i suppose to blame it on BPD instead of saying i need to work on it and control it better.

Nancat, welcome to the asylum!

Sorry I didn't get back to you yesterday. Friday the 13th, I was out at a bike rally. I swear, only bikers are crazy enough to look forward to Friday the 13th!

Anyway, I think you're on the right path with the DBT. Yes, I understand that you want to "fix" yourself faster, but look at it this way: it took years to get this way, it's gonna take a little while to bring you back! Just have a little faith in it. From what others have said (I'm on the waiting list, so I don't know firs-hand), there will be times when it doesn't seem like you're making progress, but just keep hanging in there. You'll make it.

As to the acting out, Ali's right; you have to remember that BPD is merely an explanation, not an excuse. It's hard, I know, but it's something that we always have to fight for. At the end of the day, you can't blame things on BPD. You're not a part of BPD, BPD's a part of you.

Whether I did it more or not when I was first diagnosed, I don't know. I don't think I did, and I'm guessing that you probably didn't, either. What I found was that I noticed my actions more; I paid closer attention to them. All of these little things that you previously accepted as part of your nature, you're now realizing that they're part of a disorder, so you do start to pay closer attention to them. I suspect that's what's happening more so than actually acting out more.

Remember that you're always welcome here if you have any questions, rants, nervous breakdowns, or whatever! We're here to help each other. And if you'd rather talk about something privately, you're free to PM myself or MissAli; our inboxes are always open!

Thanks, Chaude. Using my DBT workbook yesterday, I made a list of distractions that I'm going to start carrying around with me.

GET UP FROM COMPUTER/PHONE/SOURCE OF TRIGGER &
To distract myself at work:
- Go out and buy a steamer from a coffee shop
- Email one of my parents

At home:
- Exercise
- Listen to music (80's) or play music (keyboard.. happy stuff!)
- Watch a sitcom
- Go to movies
- Throw pillow against wall
- Cuddle cat

Anywhere:
- Deep breaths and repeat "I can't change what's happened."

Chaudement wrote:I'm sorry you're going through that but hopefully things will pick up soon for you. I think DBT is the way to go for you, definitely. If you don't feel your therapist is helping though, it's probably time to change.. But remember, it is for the best. You have to find someone who works for you and gives you the help you need. Ive been through a tonne of therapists and I've finally found one I like and who helps me! I hope you have the same luck. You have to sort through the bunch and find a good one for you.

The things you're doing at the moment, they're hard to break out of. But I think working on your distraction techniques will help you a lot. I always find a good distraction to be watching a tv series, or having a hot bubble bath with lavender bath soap.

-- Sun Apr 15, 2012 2:46 pm --

Thank you VERY much, Ali. That's exactly the kind of reminder I need. It's a constant battle behaving well and not overreacting to things right now.... and I'm definitely fighting the urge to use BPD as an excuse to be worse than ever. So every reminder to that effect is good.

I also have a couple of friends who are doing an incredible job being there for me right now. I text them when I'm tempted to do something bad (last night I wanted to text a provocative pic of myself to my ex, but instead I texted it to my friend, TOLD her I was really wanting to send it to him, and she yelled at me and reminded me why I reallllllllllllly didn't want to). So far they've been great about intervening when I ask them to, but I hate to lean on them so much.

Coming here will help I think.

But ultimately I just have to find the strength myself to behave... so hard.

MissAli wrote:Hi nancat!


Welcome to the diagnosis! We're happy to have you here!!!

I am glad that you have started DBT, but I do want to caution you on something...

Even though you're new to the BPD diagnosis, there is going to be an unbridled and impulsive drive to do bad things, or acting out, as a few of you guys have put it. Please keep cautious in doing this - because if and when you hurt someone that you do care about, using BPD as an "excuse" isn't going to fly. Around here we try to be cognizant of being held accountable for our actions, but I understand also if you are not in a place yet where you are wanting to get acquainted with this.

I apologize if I've somehow upset you, but I wanted to just give a tidbit of advice, if I may, to save you future heartache.

Again - we are very happy you found us here!

<3


AMP

-- Sun Apr 15, 2012 2:49 pm --

PS to Ali-- I love love LOVE the honey badger logo!!! I have a honey badger tshirt, and HBDGAS is often my motto, but I'm realizing I should rethink that one and actually GIVE a s*** more often

-- Sun Apr 15, 2012 2:50 pm --

Right... that's what I'm trying not to do now too:

walkingcontradiction wrote:I'm new here too and I've noticed since I've began taking it more seriously that I've acted out more and i guess given myself permission in a weird way cause i have this but i know that's not right I'm not trying to use it as an excuse to get away with my behavior because i know I'm still responsible for my actions it's just easier i suppose to blame it on BPD instead of saying i need to work on it and control it better.