SEVERELY need your help, do I have BPD?

My life has turned into one giant mess. In past year and a bit my moderate social anxiety and isolation has evolved to the point where my life has become completely unmanageable. I'm gay and I grew up in a small town, and last year I moved to a bigger city. I was okay for a while, because it was exciting- But then more of my attempted friendships failed, so in turn I just completely isolated. I was hugely dependent on my roommate and loved her to death one minute and then resented her the next when I didn't feel important enough in her life- I was intensely jealous of her boyfriend. Naturally I became depressed and my dad convinced me to move back home. Here I am now almost 4 months later, and after studying Personality Disorders: I've now realized my dad has a 90% chance of being a Narcissist, and I may have borderline.

I'm depressed, have extreme anxiety, can't work, and have isolated myself completely. My dad treats me like $#%^ all of the time, even though he knows my situation. Anything I talk about or I say how bad the state I am is in, he takes it as though I'm blaming him at gets angry and minimizes what I'm going through- 90% of our interactions he either insults me or yells at me. Because of where I am at in my life, I am a nuisance to him... and since I don't pitch in according to his standards, I don't deserve to be treated well. I don't do enough chores, so I am ungrateful. I do the chores, but I didn't do them his way- So it wasn't good enough. I do the chores his way... owait. Still wasn't up to his standards.
I am dependent on my computer and it helps me dissociate from my life and distract me from the reality of it. I have one close friend who I talk to everyday, and thanks to my rollercoaster like emotions and vast insecurities, she is in constant pain because of me. Either I, according to her, act extremely passive aggressively pulling away from her, or I constantly talk about my problems hurting her by hearing how much pain I am in. All of this stems from my fear of her not wanting me anymore, rejecting me, etc. I have expectations and if they're not met I get extremely emotional and get irritated or depressed. I've learned how to not act out much better than when I was younger, or so I thought... but my dad cut me off from the internet for 5 days and all social contact, although he said it stopped working, I went into a dissociative and extremely paranoid state, completely indulged myself in writing doing nothing else, and I also believed he did this on purpose. Once I found out he WAS actually lying and block me from the internet, I got extremely worked up and had an anxiety attack. Without something to distract me properly I got into a really weird- crazy like state, I cut off all of my hair, and shaved it... I couldn't stop, it was compulsive. I did this for 7 hours straight.
After my dad yelled at me for getting hair in the carpet in my room (Even though I put towels down to catch it, and slammed his hand down on the counter in anger: I cut myself bunch of times.. basically had cuts all up my thigh.
My moods are random- I can get randomly depressed at any moment, and whenever I'm around people I can quickly switch into being irritable or again depressed. I'm becoming unpleasant to be around... If I didn't have people who loved me, I'd probably kill myself.
My life is such a gray and empty thing... I have things I enjoy but the struggles I face are just so tiring. I'm resentful towards most people because everyone seems to hurt me, I've just completely shut down, and pushed 90% of the people of my life away. I just can't take the fear of someone seeing behind 'my mask' and seeing how horrible I truly am, I've just given up... Being a stepford wife is too difficult, and stressing about them seeing me as I am is too hurtful.

Anyway, I've been seeing a psychiatrist for the past few months... And it's not really going anywhere. He takes a lot of notes and listens... but doesn't say too much. Near the beginning of our sessions he diagnosed me with agoraphobia and an anxiety disorder, but he apparently tries to avoid labels. I'm not overly manipulative, I don't lie, I'm an extremely considerate and compassionate person, and I'm not overly angry.

Sorry for such a long write up, I tried to keep it as short as possible... but I thought giving you an idea of my situation and behaviors was the best way to go about it. What do you guys think? My life is a disaster and I just would like to find out how to be happy and comfortable in my own skin. Help... please?

You do exhibit some symptoms of BPD, but from what you're saying, my thought is that it sounds more like Avoidant PD than Borderline. I'll tell you why, but please, don't think I'm trying to attack you with any of what I'm saying; that's not my intent.

You had mentioned that you have "rollercoaster like emotions", but from the other things you said, I was only really seeing a lack of approval from your father. Borderlines typically overreact to almost anything, in a weird variety of ways. We tend to be emotional extremists. When we like someone, they're angels and we want to marry them. When we don't like someone, they're Stalin himself and should be six feet deep. We tend to be vary drastic with almost no notable reason, and I'm not seeing that. Your issues appear to have an immediate and present source - your dad.

You may also be going through an ongoing type of PTSD (like your psychiatrist diagnosed, an anxiety disorder), except that the source of your problems is continuing to be an active source.

So that's my theory. Of course, I'm not a therapist, not a psych, not a pro. I'm just one of the folks who has it, that's all, so take everything I say with a grain of salt and a wedge of lemon.

All that said, feel free to stick around! Even if you only feel you connect one one or two things, hearing how others deal with it can be a big help; even just knowing that others are going through it can be a help in itself.

If you ever want to talk to someone but don't want it out for everyone to see, feel free to PM me or MissAli. Our inboxes are always open!

JohnnyBlaze wrote:You do exhibit some symptoms of BPD, but from what you're saying, my thought is that it sounds more like Avoidant PD than Borderline. I'll tell you why, but please, don't think I'm trying to attack you with any of what I'm saying; that's not my intent.

You had mentioned that you have "rollercoaster like emotions", but from the other things you said, I was only really seeing a lack of approval from your father. Borderlines typically overreact to almost anything, in a weird variety of ways. We tend to be emotional extremists. When we like someone, they're angels and we want to marry them. When we don't like someone, they're Stalin himself and should be six feet deep. We tend to be vary drastic with almost no notable reason, and I'm not seeing that. Your issues appear to have an immediate and present source - your dad.

You may also be going through an ongoing type of PTSD (like your psychiatrist diagnosed, an anxiety disorder), except that the source of your problems is continuing to be an active source.

So that's my theory. Of course, I'm not a therapist, not a psych, not a pro. I'm just one of the folks who has it, that's all, so take everything I say with a grain of salt and a wedge of lemon.

All that said, feel free to stick around! Even if you only feel you connect one one or two things, hearing how others deal with it can be a big help; even just knowing that others are going through it can be a help in itself.

If you ever want to talk to someone but don't want it out for everyone to see, feel free to PM me or MissAli. Our inboxes are always open!

Thanks for responding. I had thought it could have been AvPD before, but I'm not extremely shy- Like I'm introverted now, but a lot of my life I was outgoing... just as I got older and more aware of myself I became I started to withdraw. And I know you're not attackin, you're just statin' your opinion and trying to help.

And it's my depression is being caused by my dad, but I'm still basically the same if removed from this situation- and I used to explode when I younger but that would get me in big trouble- aka. pushed into walls, kicked into walls, backhanded, etc. And he'd be willing to kick me out if I disrespect him enough, so not getting angry at him is a necessity... Even though I fail a lot. Haha. I

feel like my problems, especially interpersonal relationship wise, are a lot more complicated than just an anxiety disorder... I'm just really not sure. I long for closeness just like BPD, but the intimacy makes me feel uncomfortable as well, so I'm constantly back in forth- or I was but I gave up on trying to date.

I'll also be talking to someone and pick up a completely wrong signal and think they hate more/are angry at me, and they'll be like... wtf no.