BPD - relationship problems

I am a 34 year old man and have had relationship problems all my life. I struggle to make friends, I am extremely tense in social situations, I feel people will not like my and that I am totally inadequate.

My intimate relationships have been characterised by bouts of jealousy, suspicion, fear of abandonment, a sense of not being good enough for my partner (I always think she'll run away with another man), constant idealisation and devaluation of my partners, hypersensitivity to criticism and a lot of rage. At my worst I am violent or at least verbally abusive in a very threatening way. I am extremely controlling of my partners, particularly in relation to other men.

I have been telling myself for years that I have been finding the wrong type of women. That if I found a woman who didn't like late night drinking, wasn't flirtatious and didn't wear revealing clothes my jealousy would be manageable.

I met a wonderful Catholic girl 10 months ago. She was very conservative in her behaviour, but very outgoing. She was full of joy and happiness and loved to be around people. The fact that she knew how to live, when the world seems so empty and fearful made me feel terrible about myself and I constantly tried to limit her world to safeguard the fortress to my soul. Every action was defensive. She told me I needed help for my problems, but I told her that was the one who had to change.

She is 30, emotionally mature and was ready to get married and start a family straight away. Unintentionally, she got pregnant in February. She pushed me to marry her and for us to move in together immediately. This suddenness made me feel completely de-stabilised. I became highly suspicious of her motives thinking she was after my money, only wanted me to pay off her debts, that her enjoyment of sex was a sure sign that she couldn't be trusted. I started behaving in an emotionally distant way towards her as i felt extremely threatened. It all blew up in to a verbally abusive episode that lead to her leaving one night.

She has now ended the relationship, changed her phone number, sent a solicitors letter to me asking me not to contact her again. Naturally, I am devastated at the loss. I love her deeply and desperately wanted to be able to trust her and have the baby together. Now I won't even be at the birth or any of the hospital appointments. I also know I have devastated her life in leaving her with a child from a man she loved, but could not stay with due to my angry behaviour.

I have accepted now that I have deep emotional problems stemming from my extremely abusive upbringing from my mother. I have started to see a psychiatrist weekly. He has told me I have BDP and that it is best to keep away from relationships long-term while I try to develop low level trust and self-esteem. He said it is incurable, that it is a daily battle and that the rage will never go away.

Losing my partner and our child is hard enough, now to see this awful image of myself on top of it all feels utterly hopeless. I just can't see how I am ever going to be strong enough to love a woman without frightening her and restricting her world.

I desperately wish I wasn't made this way. To have a wife and children is all I've ever wanted. But I cannot go on this way hurting those I love through my own personal terrors.

I do not know what to do - how do I even get out of first base with these enormous emotional problems?

Can anyone offer any good advice or hope? Can I get emotionally stronger and more mature? Will I ever be able to defeat this dreadful problem?

Hi Manonthemoon,
I really couldn't give you advice on your situation, but can most certainly sypmathise with you. I have a really hard time just being 'okay' in a relationship. I don't trust myself to be good enough, and I don't trust that a partner can ever truly love me, I believe they've always got something up their sleeve, a way to decieve me.
I also take cues that my boyfriends outgoing nature, and zest for sex are bad signs, signs that he's out and about each day trying to score--and I too try to control him with my sadness and rage into telling me over and over again that he's into me-just waiting until he get's sick of my insecurities.

I can surely feel for you in the sense of loving so much, and being unstable in your reactions to any mistrust that you have towards your partner. If anyone is able to offer any suggestions on how to become emotionally stronger I could also use the advice.

I think it's kind of sad that your psychiatrist has said that the condition is incurable, I don't know if that's necessarily so... I truly believe that with the right professional and perhaps some medicine to help balance your chemistry if needed, you can work through these issues. It's likely going to be a huge struggle-it is for me even with the counselling and pills...but I certainly hope that you don't give up on trying to improve your situation and feel better about yourself and your worth.
I hope that helps a little at least.

Hi manonthemoon!

We welcome you here to the forum. It appears to me that you may be struggling with learning of the BPD, and this is quite a normal reaction. I'd like to point out a few things here that I've noticed in your post.

It seems that even after you met the "perfect for you" girl, you still couldn't get over the feelings of rage, and possible inadequacy. It's pretty normal for those of us suffering to behave in these ways prior to becoming aware that we ourselves, may just be the problem. Although this is pretty standard, does this mean, as your professional told you, that this is "incurable"? Actually, no it doesn't.

As someone who has been actively working on recovery through therapy (if you read a lot of my posts, I prefer to call it "remission"), I'd like to say that getting to the root issues can be painful and hurtful, but in the long run help you make decisions that are not as tainted by those feelings. And the rage may be under the surface sometimes, but it is MUCH easier to control once you learn some of the tools to use when you feel yourself losing control.

Do you think that you could write her a letter telling her that you are in therapy/treatment, working on your issues, and even though you may not yet be suitable for a healthy longterm relationship, that you hope to be sometime soon, and you would like to have a possible opportunity when this occurs? I would hate to think that you would miss out on your child's life, but every action and reaction has a consequence. But sometimes if we work hard enough, we're able to find a common ground where we can meet others in the middle.


I am very hopeful for you - the true will to change will carry you through your darkest days, and it appears to me that you have committed yourself to getting better - I commend you for this!

My best to you, and welcome!

<3

AMP

Just wanted to say hi, welcome to the boards and offer a .