Help! Need advice! (self-harm trigger)

So, I met this older guy for coffee today. There's no sexual relationship, he knows I am BPD and clear boundaries were set from the outset. But, there is a playfulness between us and I sort of feel attracted to him though it's more about wanting approval than anything.

Today, to stop him from leaving, I became really flirtatious and did my best to engage him in an overtly sexual conversation. I got burned. He didn't take the bait and I was left feeling humiliated and embarrassed.

When I got home I exchanged texts with him. At first I was pissed off and then I became sort of "oh but I want to see you again". He replied but didn't react. I went into total abandonment and self-harmed, more than usual.

Now I just want to never see him again, or have a go at him. Neither are good options. I don't think hashing what happened over will help as we both know what it was about and he's aware of my issues. I value him and would like to continue the relationship. I don't want to wait for him to contact me. I put a suggestion out that we meet for coffee again next week. I guess I'll wait to hear back from him. If I don't, I'm not sure what to do. I don't want to be desperate but I don't want to wait and wait, especially since my behaviour was not so great and that will send me into even more abandonment.

Any advice appreciated!

I have come up with two theories on your situation. The first one is that he doesn't want a sexual relationship with you, only to be your friend. He may just not know how to express that to you without you feeling rejected. My other theory is that he has NPD and by rejecting you and you continuing to try to talk to him, he feels that he has power over the relationship. Did he seem empathetic at all about the situation when you talked to him afterwards?

Hi,

I have a feeling he may have NPD. He's done a lot of work on himself. He tells me he doesn't want a relationship with me because he doesn't see me that way and because he knows I'm vulnerable at present. My gut tells me that he is trying to observe respectful boundaries and to be supportive but that ALSO, actually, he is attracted to me and likes me chasing after him, which I am now going to stop doing, as hard as it is. My attitude is that if he wants a friendship then it can not be all about me running after him as that is totally old behaviour for me.

-- Sun Apr 08, 2012 2:12 pm --

PS. He did respond to my texts in a very matter of fact, rather brutal way, e.g. that's your problem, I'm not going to get into the ring with you. He has told me before that he is brutally honest with people although he has never been cruel to me, just blunt. When I texted asking him whether he wanted to meet up for our usual coffee next week he didn't reply. Despite my craving to keep texting him I am going to leave it now, on the advice of others and based on my desire to change my behaviour and maintain some dignity and self-respect.