Scared and ashamed... May trigger?

Hi everyone,

My first post here and I'm not sure how I'm feeling. I think I have BPD- however not an extreme or severe case, but bad enough to warrant distress. I've been diagnosed with depression, but looking back now, I think I've had BPD manifesting from when I was quite young... maybe as young as 11 or 12. I've had a pretty rough life thus far, ranging from parental divorce, physical and emotional abuse and parental estrangement, but I have managed to be pretty OK through all of that. At least I thought?

I'm doing ok in all areas but relationships with others and myself- I've a history of bad relationships, starting with of course the people who are supposed to teach you *how* to have a relationship-my parents. From there my relationships I feel have been relatively superficial and I've not known how to maintain relationships... I'm in my mid 20s and I've no long term friends to speak of- most of my friends I've known for <4 years... Anyway, the most significant relationship in my life at the moment is with my boyfriend. We have been through hell and back together, and have stayed that way for almost four years. On paper, we should be great together and in all senses of the word, he is great for me... but I just can't seem to *really* understand that. I go through "phases" where I can see how great, patient and loyal he is and I love him more than words will ever be able to describe, but then I feel such resentment and rage at him for something he has done (even for something small, like not changing the toilet paper roll, or not clearing his dishes)... I go into rages at times, where I can't seem to control what I say/do, and then afterwards I am apologetic and sorry, but can't deal with the consequences or be able to *talk* about what has happened.

I've been physically aggressive to him, where he's ended up with scratches, bruises and even a bite mark... I have carried around the guilt of that, and that makes me feel even worse. Makes me feel even more unlovable, unforgivable and dirty. He's stayed throughout that, and I have no effing idea why. I struggle every day knowing he loves me... I don't understand why, I don't get it it, I don't see why. He's sat through my loooooooong depressive episode, where I wouldn't get out of bed, shower or move. I couldn't sleep, I'd flip sh*t at him, and get angry at him for not being in a job he enjoyed doing, even though we had more than enough money to pay for our living expenses.

I go through moments where I feel empty, like the life I am living means nothing. I just float on through- I feel like I have no real identity... Like I am a nobody, with nothing to distinguish me from anyone else. I sometimes feel no emotion, no remorse (especially in the moment of anger), no happiness. Just a void... I've held onto the hurt that my parents have caused me, and as such I think I've built up a wall that makes me seem tough and untouchable, when in fact I am fragile and a scared little girl. I feel empty until he goes to leave, and I have realised what a f**kup I've been to him, and all of my emotions come to the surface and I'll stand in front of the door, lock it and demand that he stays- even when he's crying from pain and confusion. I'm insanely scared to be alone, to feel abandoned yet again... But with that said, I'm scared to be too close as well. It's bloody stupid, and I feel like I am one extreme to another. I feel as if I'm not allowing myself to be happy, 'cause I don't know how to be.

I've cheated on him, and I felt awful. We started our relationship that way, with me cheating on my ex with him. He never knew until he found out from a secondary source. I put it down to being scared and young, but I think I was just stupid and naieve. I was a stupid girl and I made a sh*t mistake. I'm great at carrying around guilt and I never ever self-forgive. That's what normal people do!

I just feel so lost and tired with wondering if my relationship is going to last. I can see how badly he's wearing down, and how badly he is losing his sanity. Sometimes I think it is better for him to go, but with that said I actually *want* to be with him (despite all of what I have written...), and he says that has faith in me, and knows I can and will get better. He's being so strong, and I have done nothing but be weak and fall back into bad habits. How the frick can I change when I don't know what is wrong with me, exactly?!

ARGH!!!!!!!!!! Anyway, sorry about the rant... this is quite cathartic. Please don't judge me... I just re-read over all that what I've just written, and I sound like a certified loonie.

Thank you, and I'd appreciate any help, feedback or general chit-chat.

-SS

Hey, SS. First off, -big hugs-. You sound like you went through a lot during your childhood and didn't have a strong relationship with your parents. Complicated relationships with caregivers can affect how we interact with the world later on in life, especially as you were abused.

As you've been diagnosed with depression, do you see anyone from the mental health service? Could you share your thoughts with them about what you've just said? If you don't see anyone, could you get your GP to refer you to someone to talk to?

You're very lucky to have such a loving and caring boyfriend. He's stuck by you through thick and through thin and obviously cares a lot about you, even in your darkest times. Do you talk to him at all about how he's feeling about your behaviour? Can you develop coping strategies together to cope with your anger if you end up flying into a rage?

Just a final point, you don't sound like a certified loony

Trix.
xoxo.

Hi shattered!!!

Wow - a lot of what you feel resonates with me because it doesn't sound so unlike myself. But regardless - this is not about me, this is about YOU, and I want to welcome you to the board, and tell you that we're very happy that you found our community.

Please understand that the last thing that you will find around here on the BPD board is judgment - I think that Non's have a harder time fitting in here most of the time, rather than the sufferers of this syndrome, although everyone is welcome as long as their intentions are to understand and support each other with the disorder.

You have had a rough go of it, and I can really appreciate that fact that you are reaching out to others in order to possibly find a rhyme or reason. I would highly suggest being tested or evaluated for BPD, because the workings of a trying childhood such as yours can ingrain this disorder, and will be a source of solid work in therapy. I commend you for searching for the higher answers and learning.

There are quite a few books floating out there, that both "explain" this disorder, and then there are quite a few books that are firsthand accounts of sufferers. Those were a lot of comfort to me in the beginnings of my diagnosis, and even the stages of the "aha!" moments of possibly thinking I had BPD (which, I do - and currently work every day in my recovery).

If you're a reader, let me know via PM, and I'll pass along a few of my favorites.

Regardless - we are very happy to have you here, and you do not have to have a diagnosis to be here and receive support. Best to you!!!

<3

AMP

Hello you two,

Thank you so much for your kind words and welcomes. That means a lot to me

In answer to your questions:
1.) Yes I had been to therapy for my depression. My therapist was wonderful, however I had moved for work and I had to stop seeing them. It was helpful for a time, but I don't think I was really ready to get to the crux of my issues.

2.) My boyfriend was the one who had found the S&S of BPD and brought this up to me. I think he was searching for answers for my behaviours as well. He couldn't believe the similarities between the people here (and various other forums) and my behaviours and attitudes. Funny thing is, I actually work in mental health. How ironic is that?

3.) I'd really like to find a psychologist in my local area who deals with BPD, however I live in a small town and everyone knows everyone. I don't want the label or the conflict of interest of being a patient AND a staff member =( I know from a clinician's POV just how stigmatising BPD is, and how rude and arrogant some other clinician's can be to BPD clients. It grinds my gears...

I can't recall any more questions, but I'll flip through here again and answer any I may have forgotten. It's really nice to know that there are people similar to me out there, and who can empathise with my darkest secrets. Thank you... I cannot express my gratitude enough.

<3
-SS