What is this? *trigger*

I feel like I'm crawling out of my skin. I have no idea how to identify what I'm feeling, but I cannot cope with it. I've been told in the past that when I feel something, I should try to just sit with it, but it feels impossible. The more I try to sit with it, the more intense it gets. Distraction isn't working. I don't even how how to begin talking about it, because there are no real words that I can find. It's not just feeling stressed, it's wanting to escape myself, not just my situation.

I want to hurt myself. But even with self harm, I'll feel better for a while, but this will just come back. What is this, and how the hell do I make it go away?

Flowingtears...


Sometimes, when I got that feeling that I just wanted to explode into a thousand little pieces, I was overwhelmed and cranky, and couldn't put my finger on what it was, and no matter what I tried to do, it seemed to make things worse. This inevitably would put me into panic mode, where I thought my heart was going to fall apart or just give out from the incessant panic attacks. That's when I just couldn't take it anymore, and went back on my Klonipin. It doesn't seem to happen as often when I KNOW I have something I could take, SHOULD I need to. I don't take them all the time, but I think knowing that there is a safety net, gives me a little bit of a piece of mind. It doesn't fix everything, and it certainly doesn't fix the root cause, but sometimes it gives me just enough peace so I can walk away from it and re-approach from a different angle.

Also - if you PHYSICALLY feel like your skin is crawling, I've been hearing from a lot of fellow BPD'ers that are having the tactile hallucinations, which I'm trying to get more information on, because I'm not as well versed.

Is there something in particular that kicked off these feelings?

<3

AMP

I can totally relate to this, unfortunately.

During these episodes I'd be likely to self-harm or drink. Or binge and purge, just to try and expell this disgusting feeling from my body.

As MissAli says, it could be a form of hallucination. I think in my case, it's just another form or dissociation, I get all sorts of crazy body sensations when I'm anxious.

Or I'd get really agitated and want to crawl out of my skin. I'd feel 'wrong' being inside of myself, being me. Like my skin didn't fit and I didn't want to be who I am.

I'm not sure what advice to give. You could try mindful breathing, just try and focus on your breath for a long time, see if it passes.

Lily82 wrote:Or I'd get really agitated and want to crawl out of my skin. I'd feel 'wrong' being inside of myself, being me. Like my skin didn't fit and I didn't want to be who I am.

That is it, exactly.
It's not a physical feeling so to speak, but it's so intense that it may as well be.

I don't know what kicked it off. I've been able to feel this getting worse for days, and I haven't felt "right" in weeks. Some of it probably is stress, some of it is that for the first time in years I'm not even on an antidepressant, and some of it is just "me".

I have ativan (lorazepam), but I don't want to take it, both because I needed to take it yesterday, and it's not actually prescribed for me. And again, like with the self harm, after a while, the feeling will come right back, possibly even more intense, which is what has been happening. I feel like just screaming at someone, "Fix me!", even though I don't really think they can.

Usually I would just self harm, even knowing it's only a temporary solution, but I have to go into hospital for a skin graft next week, and I really don't think they'll react well to more wounds as well as the ones they're trying to fix.

I just want to tear this feeling out of me, whether it be literally or figuratively.

Thanks for your replies. The only thing I can think to do is stick with the distraction, and hope that the feeling even just reduces slightly in intensity before I end up doing something I'll regret.

FlowingTears, I'd hate to think how many people here (myself included) know exactly how you feel. I've been trying to run away from myself for years. Unfortunately, I'm not much of a runner; I always seem to stay right with me. It doesn't mean I won't keep trying, though.

Even though it's only due to the surgery, I'm glad you're trying to not self-harm. That's a good thing; be proud of that! Hopefully between having to take this hiatus and the surgery, it'll sort of refresh you and let you get a new start on things.

If you feel yourself slipping, talk to us. That's what we're here for!

FT what day are you back at A&E?

It's the outpatient surgical clinic. I was told to turn up again Monday morning to be admitted, and am getting the skin graft on Tuesday. Not sure when I'm getting out, they didn't tell me how long I have to stay, but I'm hoping not too long after the skin graft.

Thanks for all the replies people.

I get this feeling sometimes. For me it feels like I have been sitting in traffic for two hours combined with wanting to tear my skin off.

There are a few medications that have instigated it for me. Topamax and Haldol were the two worst offenders, but yeah... sometimes it's just out of the blue. Seroquel helped me a LOT with this feeling.

You know what? I'm sorry I misunderstood you, FT.

I get what you're saying. This is that feeling where I want to beat someone, but the only person I really want to beat is me, and I don't have the guts to punch myself in public, so I sit and stew over it.

And I think that part of my issue was the meds I was on. Since I switched to the SSRI I'm currently on, I haven't had this feeling, and that's been like a year or so.

What are you taking, anything? Because if you feel like this, there are things that can help to minimize it.

I'm hoping good thoughts for you, honey. This is not a comfortable feeling. I'm sorry if I talked too much about myself and hijacked this thread... sometimes I suck.

But I care a lot about you, and if I can help in any way, please let me know...

<3

AMP

atomicuniverse wrote:I get this feeling sometimes. For me it feels like I have been sitting in traffic for two hours combined with wanting to tear my skin off..

Yes! That's a good description.

It's like extreme aggitation, I have no idea where it comes from. It's like a mix of boredom/ disgust with myself, it's one of my feelings I have a hard time describing. I just wish I could run out of my skin, escape myself. Nothing comforts me when I am in this stage, apart from alcohol to knock me out.

This is a great topic actually, because I wonder how many pwBPD deal with these strange sensations. I forgot how weird my BPD can feel, not just the pain/ anger/ sadness/ mania.

I wonder if it is a form of dissociation. I get very strange body sensations when I am anxious/ dissociated. Sometimes i even feel like my limbs are made of wood, and it usually happens when I think of things that hapened to me when I was a kid, or sometimes just out of the blue.