Will I trust anyone and stop hating myself?

Hey, I've been on this site for so long and I've just decided to make an account so- forgive me if this post is a bit self indulgent, no mean comments please * I react terribly to insults haha *

Well, basically my mother is histrionic and my father was a psychotic schizophrenic with an alcohol addiction who after trying to kill me and my mother one night was taken away by police and I havent seen him since, apart from the odd time when he'd walk by me in town with clear knowledge of who I was and not even acknowledge my presence
We've moved around alot to escape my father and try to make ends meet so I have no friends
My mother has never really been able to care for me because of her own struggles with histrionic personality disorder and she had to care for both of her paraplegic, handicapped parents since I was 12 years old- so I missed alot of time in school helping her with them before they passed away
During this time I had noone and I sought solice in the arms of men who were much older than me..
Ive had so many relationships I literally have given up counting them
The first was when I was 13 and my boyfriend was 26 and so on, ranging from 22 - 28 when I was 13-16.. I have always used sexual favors as a way to get men to pay attention to me and as humiliating and degrading as it was it would always be enough if I could have 5 minutes afterwards of someone holding me and making me feel safe
I was raped at 15 by a friend of my ex boyfriend, (that was my 1st and last experience of actual sex as I was a virgin at the time) and I havent told anyone
I have problems with intimacy, trust, control, self harm, binge eating, anger, anxiety attacks, disassociation, emotional outbursts, chronic emptiness/numbness, self esteem and sexual relationships, suicidal thoughts/attempts
Since being raped I havent been able to let anyone near me, I tense up and it literally hurts
but I still fall back into my disgusting habit of using sex to try and control men in order to give me some attention or some affection

My question is, will I ever trust anyone? Will I ever be able to love anyone? Will I ever be able to have sex ( when the idea of letting anyone near me disgusts me, but I can disassociate if I have to perform acts on them) Will I ever be able to stop surrounding myself with guys who emotionally and physically abuse me? Why do I feel as if everything in life is so much harder for me when others seem to float through as if it were some divine gift?

I absolutely hate myself, Im disgusting, I want to die.
And most of all I hate how self indulgent, self wallowing and pathetic I sound
I HATE myself for being so self pitying! I just want to apologise all of the time, I literally write down Im sorry for hours as I think of all the things Im sorry for and reflect over them all in hopes that god will understand and forgive me for being such a disgusting, revolting , waste of oxygen.
I also have really bad magical thinking which I cant even talk about here because it scares me so much that if I talk about it, my anxiety gets ridiculously bad and I fear I will manifest something if I do

Anyway thats me, just thought Id type it down- Im sure you all probably hate me now after hearing all of my whiny b/s haha

Wish i had something good to say and don't ask for forgiveness you are allowed to vent here with no remorse.

I hate myself too my life has had issues but yours sounds chaotic and wish I could help you have had a really rough time in which you do not deserve you are a person with life who deserves happiness and freedom.

You have a lot of trauma and I don't know how to say the right things i can't help only be an online support but do you see any doctor or anything to ease this or for any kind of support ?

I PMed you in regards to the other post and we can discuss things in there if you need an outlet.

Thats such a lovely thing to say,
Sometimes I really dont know if Im just self pitying or I actually have a reason to feel like this
Hence the irrational emotional outbursts and inability to understand my feelings or determine their legitimacy xD

Thankyou for being so kind though

No you have reasons to be upset and you told a support forum which is what this forum is about. xo

its m first time on this actually- so its really nice to just vent
i dont think ive ever actually typed down and read over all of this stuff that has been on my mind-
ive always been afraid of someone seeing it or finding out or i probably just wanted to deny it all myself

thanks for the positive feedback- its always so nice to feel like someone has listened or someone cares x

Wanting to rage is understandable and yes myself and others here would care and empathize.

Xo

I don't hate you. I wish I could make it all better, actually.

I totally understand the apologizing thing. I apologize for everything, for every part of my existence. I used to feel SO guilty for being mental ill and SO guilty for everything I felt and thought. I know it sounds cheesy (I scorned exercises like this for a looong time before I gave up and tried it), but repeating mantras has really helped me. I told myself constantly, "I'm allowed to feel what I feel." I even colored pictures with saying like that and hung them up in my bedroom. It might not be your thing, though.

The trust question is hard. Trust is a scary thing, and unfortunately, it's kind of dependent on the actions of others. Not ALL of it, but like if you did everything in your power and learned to trust people and then people just kept hurting you, then that would set you back again.

Also, it depends on exactly what you mean by trust. For instance, I can trust a few people to keep my secrets. I can trust a few people to take care of me if I ever reach a point where I can't trust myself. But I don't think I trust anyone to NOT hurt my feelings, mainly because I get hurt so easily. And I don't know if I'll ever stop having my fits of paranoia where I think that my best friend secretly hates me or that my cats think I'm ugly.

I wish I could help you...

I related a lot to what you wrote... and I'm sorry for what you've been through.

I had mostly non-existent parents myself, not much of a childhood. There was lot of sexual abuse when I was young. And then... it was like, the final straw when I was 14... I just wanted someone to like me, to care about me, and of course... that someone was a guy in his 20s. I thought it would just be easier to say yes to him. Saying no hadn't ever worked before. I felt so degraded and horrible... I let him! It was my own fault, and I've hated myself for it. For all of it, for everything that happened to me. I felt so stupid, so weak. I wouldn't let anyone near me for a very long time. I was married for 5 years to someone I would barely let touch me.

I've had that same broken record playing in my head. It really is a hard thing to deal with, and it's been hard for me too being able to trust anyone, to get close to anyone. I probably would have sought out more relationships myself, except that I developed really bad social anxiety when I moved to another country... on top of all that self-hatred and disgust!

I don't really have a lot of encouraging words, but I have improved... I have someone I love and trust. It isn't quite the ideal relationship, but... it's good. I think it is possible to work on what's holding you back. It's worth trying, anyway. You deserve happiness, as everyone does.