help... again. trigger.

i know i probably shouldn't be talking about this here. you guys are going to tell me about professional help and hotlines. i am over it.

a lil bout me again... dx BPD/chronic major depression

why not suicide? when i have episodes i see how much those around me are hurt. i know i will do it again. my dogs and cat hide from me. i don't want my future children to live like that. i can't seem to control myself and they say that BPD is not curable.
even if somehow i make it through these classes and become a nurse, that job is demanding. i can't call in for emotional issues. i can't work a min wage job for the rest of my life.
i feel like a waste. when things get better they just get worse again.

i just need maybe some kind words to help me through this.

theres no point. i am never going to be normal. i am never going to be happy. i knew no one here would help me. i don't enen fit in with normal borderlines. i am too ###$ up. im sick of trying.

heather_chalaie,

Someone will have words for you. I wish I could.

*hugs*
DG

heather_chalaie wrote:i know i probably shouldn't be talking about this here. you guys are going to tell me about professional help and hotlines. i am over it.

a lil bout me again... dx BPD/chronic major depression

why not suicide? when i have episodes i see how much those around me are hurt. i know i will do it again. my dogs and cat hide from me. i don't want my future children to live like that. i can't seem to control myself and they say that BPD is not curable.
even if somehow i make it through these classes and become a nurse, that job is demanding. i can't call in for emotional issues. i can't work a min wage job for the rest of my life.
i feel like a waste. when things get better they just get worse again.

i just need maybe some kind words to help me through this.

hi heather;
Hugs...

sorry you are feeling like this. and yes it is hard when we see how much we hurt others, BUT..we all do it.

You are not a waste, no one is. everyone has the right to be on this earth.

Ok so they say BPD can not be cured.. but if you work at it; it can go into Remission. Traits will be with you, but you will be able to deal with them better if you learn how. Learn to control it, isn't that what you want? To have some Sense of control in your life. It is attainable, it is there, you just need to reach out.

We are here for you, sometimes we do not answer right away, and I know for someone suffering with Bpd, that is the hardest thing to do is wait for a response, but you will get one…
as for your animals running from you, sure.. because they have 10x more acute hearing than we do, so Dropping the smallest thing on the ground sounds like a sonic boom to them. it isn't because they hate you.

Heather, as a mod, I have to say what you don't want us to say, so here goes. If you're thinking suicide, please do get help. There are people who are trained to help with exactly what you're going through.

Okay, the rest is just from me. I know it seems hard, and it is. For many of us, simply getting through another day can be mentally exhausting. MF's pretty much spot on, here. If you do get some help in learning how to control it, then you won't have to worry nearly as much about future kids (or present furballs) hiding from you!

Sad to say, I think all of us (at least, all of us who don't have kids yet) have thought that. How badly would I mess up my kids? I worry about that all the time. In terms of fears of parenthood, that's second only to the "I hate you" years.

As Red Green so eloquently said, "remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this, together."

((big, squeezy hugs))

thank you guys, ive been hurting so much lately. i feel like i do better at times, theni come crashing down.

sometimes i can stop an episode short, sometimes they seem to last for hours, or mingle for days.

i felt that part of getting better meant kind of letting old friends in on my secret, now i feel like i may lean on then too much, so i have been estranging myself. i even have thought about moving away and disappearing. i cant commit suicide, but moving away from it all seems nicer for everyone.

i am considering seeking the state govt funded help. although they will love to focus on my random addictions and will take years to maybe get me into one on one therapy.

what do you all do to calm down from a potential episode? especially in public?