BPD Outbursts Escalating in Marriage *May Trigger*

I'm new here so I don't know if this post will qualify as a "trigger", as some others are marked, but I really have no idea who to talk to about this and I'm hoping for some much needed insight and advice.

My husband & I have been married for nearly 2 years and we fight constantly. We've recently started seeing a marriage counselor but have only had 1 session and I'm hesitant to contact her about this yet.

Our fights often involve name calling, physical violence and the mention of divorce. I'm usually the culprit. I have BPD and often have emotional outbursts, primarily in anger but sometimes also in sadness. My husband knew this prior to marrying me and accepted that this is something we would need to work on.

On Sunday we had another fight. Him walking away triggering my feelings of abandonment, me chasing, and then me name calling and taking swings. I rarely ever cause any physical harm to him aside from the occassional bruise or scratch because he's much larger than I am and able to restrain me. Well, this time he attacked back. I was pushed into a wall where I hit my head and thrown onto our bed where he repeatedly spanked me until I was screaming in pain & begging him to just leave me alone.

3 days later and my head still hurts, my butt is so sore that it's actually bothersome to sit and do my job all day, and I have a large scrape/bruise on the underside of my arm that makes sleep nearly impossible (because I tend to sleep with my head on my forearm).

I don't know what to do. I wanted to call the police when it happened but then I realized that I attacked him first, whether I caused as much physical harm or not, and we would probably both be arrested. Not an ideal situation for two people who work full time jobs, own a house, take care of a dog, etc. We don't have any kids yet, which is clearly a good thing.

I just don't know how to deal with this. He's physically hurt me while restraining me before but never has he actually attacked me in retaliation and a big part of me feels like I must have deserved it but now I'm afraid of what he may do to me if/when I have another emotional outburst. I find them very hard to control and often flip like a switch (being "mindful" as they teach in DBT therapy is much easier in theory than in practice) so it's not like I can control what will trigger me or when.... but I have no real way of defending myself from any further attacks from this man that vowed to love me, take care of me, and help me through this. He doesn't have BPD or any other significant mental illnesses/disorders that would be a cause for him to lose control. I'm just afraid that my outbursts have gotten to the point where they're going to get *me* physically hurt.

I have no idea what to do, who to tell, how to keep it from happening again, etc. I need help. The only person who knows the extent of our fighting is my mom and she's not able to take me in if something like this happens (she has a very small apartment). I felt completely lost & alone. I still do. And worst of all, any trust I had built up for my husband is completely diminished.

I know that I started it... but I guess I feel like he should have found a way of defusing these situations by now instead of escalating them with me. Some days I wish I could just run away from home with nothing but a change of clothes and my dog because it feels hopeless that our marriage will ever survive my disorder. And now this. Will I be able to survive my disorder if it's pushing someone I love so far over the edge? Please help, someone, anyone. I'm just lost.

Sweetie, I am so sorry that you're going through all of this. *hugs* Only you can decide what you want to do but I'll give you my opinion. I don't believe physical violence is ever okay even though I have been guilty of it more times than I want to admit. I can say, any of the times I was violent with my husband, he never ever was that way to me. I also know that no matter what I did, he'd never hurt me physically.

I'm just worried for you. I worry that he may take it a step further next time you have a fight. I had a good friend in a similar situation. The first time her boyfriend hit her, everyone told her to get away before it was too late. She's now married to the guy and the abuse continues. I'd say, get out if you can. It's hard to have a relationship without trust and BPD just makes it more difficult.

There is someone out there that would be willing to put up with your disorder and never allow it to escalate to something dangerous. I never thought I'd find anyone and I did.

Best of luck to you and feel free to PM me if you'd like to chat!

Lilycat10 wrote:Sweetie, I am so sorry that you're going through all of this. *hugs* Only you can decide what you want to do but I'll give you my opinion. I don't believe physical violence is ever okay even though I have been guilty of it more times than I want to admit. I can say, any of the times I was violent with my husband, he never ever was that way to me. I also know that no matter what I did, he'd never hurt me physically.

I'm just worried for you. I worry that he may take it a step further next time you have a fight. I had a good friend in a similar situation. The first time her boyfriend hit her, everyone told her to get away before it was too late. She's now married to the guy and the abuse continues. I'd say, get out if you can. It's hard to have a relationship without trust and BPD just makes it more difficult.

There is someone out there that would be willing to put up with your disorder and never allow it to escalate to something dangerous. I never thought I'd find anyone and I did.

Best of luck to you and feel free to PM me if you'd like to chat!

I wish getting out was as easy as it sounds but it's definitely not, financially or legally. We've been together a total of 5 years and never did I think I'd have to worry about him losing control. Unfortunately our other fights have proven to me that he's willing to take everything from me if I leave him, because he can prove a long history of my abuse towards him yet he's only lost control once and I didn't tell a soul. That'll change in our next therapy session (Monday) but his story is still much more sympathetic than mine and leaving him would pretty much leave me broke and homeless.

I actually did talk to him last night and told him I was afraid of him and what he might do the next time that *I* am triggered. He said he never wants it to happen again that he feels sick over it - but a big part of me felt like he was making excuses for his behavior also (i.e. "I had just woken up", "I was already not feeling well", etc.) He's not real good with personal responsibility and he feels like I should be able to control my outbursts by now because I have no problems at work or around other people. I tried explaining to him that these outbursts run on high emotions and I'm not typically emotional at work (although I have been a couple times and nearly gotten myself fired for it) or around big groups of people because there's no intimacy. When we're alone there's a ton of emotion and intimacy that can either go very well or very poorly for us. He just doesn't understand what fuels it all or how it works and has the attitude that if he can't understand it then it must not make sense (he has a very high opinion of himself).

At this point I feel like I have two options: Leave or stay and avoid myself being triggered at all costs. Unfortunately leaving would literally put me in a homeless shelter or on someone's couch because money is tight, always.

I really need to know how to deal with him and make him understand better what it is that I'm dealing with every day because leaving, for me, is a very last resort. Not to mention, I would feel like a hypocrite if I left him because of one incident when he has stuck by me for 5 years of regularly being swung at.

Good morning Fluttershy and welcome..

Okay.. When I read this It was just... wow... It is so ironic that it could've been me writing this. Even your reply to lilycat... I just found myself nodding at everything.. constantly..

I am dx bpd 11 months ago although suffered with it and was mis dx for 15 years. I am on medication. Are you?

Let me say this to you. There is hope.. I know how low you can feel, hopeless and devasted as well as ashamed etc etc.. I have been through hell, as we all have and I wanted to just reply to hopefully give you a little comfort in the knowledge that I can completely empathise with you. Please feel free to pm me whenever you need.

My and my hubby have gone through nightmares after nightmares. I am you and my hubby is your hubby. I can't tell you how many times we've broken up and got back together. I have even called police, more than once. I have hurt him a lot too. He has been a real pain in the ass for me over the years though. Complete denial re my dx. Even sitting in my shrinks office a year ago and seeing the dx on screen and the shrink talking to us about it wasn't enough for him..

I just wanted to let you knowI am here and we can talk in more detail through pm's if you'd like.

I am just at the next stage from you in this nightmare process so am close to how you feel. As we all are on here but you know what I mean.

Look forward to chatting

love and light x x

demitria78 wrote:Good morning Fluttershy and welcome..

Okay.. When I read this It was just... wow... It is so ironic that it could've been me writing this. Even your reply to lilycat... I just found myself nodding at everything.. constantly..

I am dx bpd 11 months ago although suffered with it and was mis dx for 15 years. I am on medication. Are you?

Let me say this to you. There is hope.. I know how low you can feel, hopeless and devasted as well as ashamed etc etc.. I have been through hell, as we all have and I wanted to just reply to hopefully give you a little comfort in the knowledge that I can completely empathise with you. Please feel free to pm me whenever you need.

My and my hubby have gone through nightmares after nightmares. I am you and my hubby is your hubby. I can't tell you how many times we've broken up and got back together. I have even called police, more than once. I have hurt him a lot too. He has been a real pain in the ass for me over the years though. Complete denial re my dx. Even sitting in my shrinks office a year ago and seeing the dx on screen and the shrink talking to us about it wasn't enough for him..

I just wanted to let you knowI am here and we can talk in more detail through pm's if you'd like.

I am just at the next stage from you in this nightmare process so am close to how you feel. As we all are on here but you know what I mean.

Look forward to chatting

love and light x x

Demitria,

Thanks... it's good to know I'm not alone, although I'm sorry that your situation has been similar. I'm not on any medications. Every time I see a psychiatrist they put me on anti-depressants and ignore everything else. The AD's typically give me that zombie personality where I lose all humor and wit... I become the human equivalent of safety scissors - until something pushes me over the edge and then my emotional outbursts become much worse and typically involve many more suicidal thoughts on AD's... so, I tend to stay away from meds and psychiatrists. Therapy helps take the edge off sometimes in a low pressure environment (50 mins instead of 15 & a script). I'm not even sure if there is medication that could help me... I've never met a doctor who could suggest anything other than AD's or anti-anxiety meds.

Has your hubby come around to the truth yet? Mine is convinced that I'm living my life according to my disorder as a manipulation of some kind. As if anyone would *choose* this for themselves??

Hi fluttershy!

I want to first welcome you to the forum!! I hope that you will find it both supportive and helpful :0).

I know that what you're going through is especially tough, and it is certainly hard on us BPD'ers to know that our triggers are causing so much discord with our loved ones. Even though NO ONE asks for this disorder, there are still a few things to keep in mind, and I hope that you will keep an open mind with what I'm going to bring up.

Physical violence, whether you pinch him, bruise him, bite him, etc. is NOT OKAY. Physical violence, where he restrains you (hurting you in the processs), or spanks you is NOT OKAY. The fact that your anger is escalating to a point where your "triggers" are causing out of control behavior needs to be severely modified. I know that you said you had no luck on anti-depressants, but there are a lot of medications out there used to help with mood lability and also anger agitation. I would highly suggest getting in touch with your doctor to explore more of your options - because the next time this horrid occurrence happens with both you and your husband, it may not be either of you calling the police - it could be a neighbor, and then both of you end up jailed and/or with a record.

I do not want to sound harsh, but when you explicitly state that "your triggers" are causing both you own negative behavior, but HIS too - well, this is untrue. You're allowing your triggers to dictate your behavior, which are then causing more behavioral problems not only for you, but for your husband as well. But you also have to remember - every person is responsible for their own reactions and actions. So he is truly responsible for what happened as his response to your behavior.

I know this probably sounds very harsh, but please understand I am saying this in a loving tone.

I know that you also said your options are to leave and not have this happen anymore, or stay and hope it doesn't get worse - but what about working on your behavior? What about working on your adverse reactions to your triggers? What about avoiding topics or subject that you know will get a rise out of both you and your husband? There are many options out there. Would your husband be willing to attend couples' counseling with you?

I feel for you, and do not want this situation to escalate - because here, we care about what happens to you. And we want you to be happy - and safe.

My heart goes out to you - and we are really happy to have you on our forum. <3


AMP

MissAli wrote:Hi fluttershy!

I want to first welcome you to the forum!! I hope that you will find it both supportive and helpful :0).

I know that what you're going through is especially tough, and it is certainly hard on us BPD'ers to know that our triggers are causing so much discord with our loved ones. Even though NO ONE asks for this disorder, there are still a few things to keep in mind, and I hope that you will keep an open mind with what I'm going to bring up.

Physical violence, whether you pinch him, bruise him, bite him, etc. is NOT OKAY. Physical violence, where he restrains you (hurting you in the processs), or spanks you is NOT OKAY. The fact that your anger is escalating to a point where your "triggers" are causing out of control behavior needs to be severely modified. I know that you said you had no luck on anti-depressants, but there are a lot of medications out there used to help with mood lability and also anger agitation. I would highly suggest getting in touch with your doctor to explore more of your options - because the next time this horrid occurrence happens with both you and your husband, it may not be either of you calling the police - it could be a neighbor, and then both of you end up jailed and/or with a record.

I do not want to sound harsh, but when you explicitly state that "your triggers" are causing both you own negative behavior, but HIS too - well, this is untrue. You're allowing your triggers to dictate your behavior, which are then causing more behavioral problems not only for you, but for your husband as well. But you also have to remember - every person is responsible for their own reactions and actions. So he is truly responsible for what happened as his response to your behavior.

I know this probably sounds very harsh, but please understand I am saying this in a loving tone.

I know that you also said your options are to leave and not have this happen anymore, or stay and hope it doesn't get worse - but what about working on your behavior? What about working on your adverse reactions to your triggers? What about avoiding topics or subject that you know will get a rise out of both you and your husband? There are many options out there. Would your husband be willing to attend couples' counseling with you?

I feel for you, and do not want this situation to escalate - because here, we care about what happens to you. And we want you to be happy - and safe.

My heart goes out to you - and we are really happy to have you on our forum. <3


AMP

Thanks for the welcome.

No offense but I have a personality disorder, I'm not mentally handicapped. I do know right from wrong and am well aware that physical violence is "not okay". I feel like it's condescending of you to assume that someone here wouldn't understand that and, yes, a bit harsh to think that everyone should have the same capabilities at controlling their emotions.

Also, I do not have a doctor for medications because I do not take any. Nor have any of my previous doctors suggested any medications other than AD's. This may sound slightly disrepectful to the good doctors out there but most of the ones where I live show up for work to get a paycheck and honestly don't care what you have to say in your 15 minutes with them. A good number of them are very young and inexperienced because psychiatry was a popular college major in the 90's and then the 2000's made their jobs easy with pharma reps dictating what they prescribed. I've been a victim of just these types for almost 15 years. That's why I stopped taking any medications at all. There wasn't a doctor that I could find who actually understood WHAT to prescribe - they only understood how to prescribe what they had the most samples of in the cabinet. None (out of the 5 or 6 I've seen over the past 15 years) has ever taken my suggestions for medication under consideration. That would require them to work on my file after my 15 minutes is up and that's just not something that most of them do. Sorry to go on a rant about this but it's a trigger topic for me because of the lack of quality care I have received in the mental health industry. I could go on for days about my distaste for psychiatrists.

And clearly you did not read my entire post if you're asking if my husband is willing to go to couples' counseling with me... I stated very clearly that we've been to one session with a marriage counselor already. And actually, we went to counseling together for 2 years prior with another counselor but we were spinning our wheels with her so we switched.

I have been in counseling of some sort or another since I was 16 years old. I'm very much aware that my behaviors and reactions need to change. That's sort of THE PROBLEM. So while it would be nice to just say, "Oh yes, let me avoid all triggers and never get angry again!" That's just not realistic. Triggers can come from what other people say and do that is beyond our control. They can come at any time, without warning, and without mercy. I'd love to say that behavior modification programs have worked for me in the past but they have not. In fact, they work wonderfully while I'm there and taking part in exercises and then as soon as I leave and get into my car and into traffic - I'm road raging and screaming at people out my car window. The lessons just never carry through to real life situations for me.

And if you want my honest opinion... I believe that's because most of the people running DBT (and similar) programs are NONs. They cannot relate to what someone with BPD actually experiences. They can only guess and assume from what they've been told/taught. And that makes for the teaching of skills that a NON could handle to a BPDer who may not be able to put them into practice.

MissAli, I don't mean to sound rude here or unappreciative of your effort in responding but I'd prefer if you kept any replies to my posts a bit less judgemental. Reading your post definitely triggered my angry side because of its assumptions.

Fluttershy,

I truly digress and apologize for any triggers that I may have caused - and I mean that. It's not my intention to further upset you, or make you feel as if you are unwelcome or judged.

I too, am BPD. Have been, all my life. Have only been doing something about it for the last 2 years.


In fear of triggering you further, I will refrain from posting some of my thoughts on your last thread, but I will say that you are well-supported here, and we do truly appreciate your feelings, and are glad to have you in our forum.

I will further say though, that a lot of what I read in your post, I have experienced/been myself. I am now divorced, moved 7 states to come back home, and my life is very different now.

If you need any help, or have any questions or thoughts that you don't want to publicly post, I'm always available via PM <3

AMP