Why I don't have friends

I get along with people for the most part... I really do, and I enjoy their company. But... there seem to be a lot of things that get in the way, right?

I'm afraid to be myself, that's the biggest thing. A lot of the time, I'm not even sure who "myself" is... I will often kind of mirror people, or be complimentary toward them at least. It makes me feel connected to them, without them getting too close to me. I've always thought that the more people know of me, the less they will like me.

In groups, I often just fade into the background... I barely know how to talk to people, because I feel lost. I don't know how to act. Unless I'm drinking... and then I just act stupid. Naturally.

I really only know how to be myself when I'm alone, and I don't know how to bring that person out into the open... except... with self-deprecating humor.

And then, there's the rapidly changing feelings I have about people. I take peoples actions too personally... and I know it's not healthy, but I've never been able to really change it. When people cancel on me, or when they're late... I feel abandoned, and... they hate me... or whatever, and it's over with. I can't trust them anymore. Typical... I'm sure.

It's not just in making friends, but in keeping good relations with coworkers and acquaintances... it's been really difficult and caused me some problems. It's cost me some jobs.

Right now I can count only my husband as my friend... and his closest friend. But I almost never see either of them... and only briefly when I do. Maybe one of the reasons I manage to keep them, and keep good feelings about them is because... they aren't here?

Anyway... I'm wondering if any of you have managed to make and keep friends... and how? And how, if you're able to, do you manage to be yourself with others?

Boy, oh boy, do I know how you feel. It's so hard to find a stable relationship with friends; for me, I don't trust a person until after a summer. The anxiety that I have until then is that once the new school year starts, they'll forget me. I had that happen to me repeatedly in high school; I'm currently in college and after a failed attempt at establishing a strong and stable connection first semester of this (sophomore) year, I moved into a new building and became good friends with my roommate and his friend. I do exactly what you say you do; I overanalyze, I find reasons that they hate me or are only friends with me for the wrong reasons. But we are all alike and the group works out so well; part of the reason it works out well is because the group is small; like you, I fade into the background. I definitely get anxiety over losing friends and so when I find establishments like this group, I develop a huge attachment. I'm still working on it but here are some techniques I've learned to help build trust when meeting new people and how to keep those techniques.

-People are people, and we all have insecurities, anxieties, fears, etc. We all have a dark side.

-With that in mind, you're definitely not the only person afraid to be yourself. I think we all are to some extent; some people are just better at hiding it. You're also not the only person that fades into the background with groups; some people are just simply better at 1-on-1 communication. I'm definitely better when hanging with 1-2 people than when I'm with others. To make friends, just initiate the connection by asking them to hang outside of the setting you usually see. They may be just as shy as you are in that regard.

-I've found that when you allow yourself to open up to others, they'll feel confident to do the same to you; slowly, of course! To promote this process, do things with your friends that provoke conversation, like going to lunch or for a coffee, or for a walk/run/bike ride. If you hang out with a person in this manner 3 times and find you have things to talk about and it's not majorly awkward, you've found a connection. If not, move on to the next person.

-Be the consistent person in your target friend's life. People suck at communicating. I've always found with a lot of my friends that I'm often the one that makes the effort; if I stopped texting all my friends, who knows when they'd message me? I've learned not to take that fact personally and just accept that that's just what they're used to; in fact, they'd probably think there was something wrong with ME if I stopped doing that. As long as they're interested in being your friend, they'll still hang out with you. So keep asking your friends to hang out (you'll know how often by how good you feel the connection is; if it's a strong connection, I'd say it's okay to invite them out every 1-2 weeks. If it's more casual and acquaintence-based, invite them out every 2-4 weeks). Even when they cancel, have #######5 excuses, or just don't reply, keep trying. If it's been a year and they haven't hung out with you, I'd say that's the time to stop contacting them. But until then, they might just be busy and they'll definitely appreciate your efforts anyway.

-On that note, keep in mind that people often don't tell each other what they mean to one another until it is too late. I'm sure you mean a lot to people that you're overlooking, but they just don't know how or when to express it. Just like there are people who mean the world to you, but don't know it. Every so often, it's not awkward if you compliment someone and say, "hey, I really appreciate this about you." In fact, it will invoke a more positive response for future encounters with that person. If it doesn't, keep trying and eventually someone will.

-If a person is acting distant one day, tell yourself they're just in an off mood. 9 times out of 10, they are. Again, we are all insecure and depressed at times; don't let it turn into a chain reaction. Be relentlessly forgiving.

-The hardest part for me establishing a strong connection is the attachment that is developed. There's that in-between area where you're not with the friend and you find you are terrified of losing them. You know you need to give them space, but you also want to stay in touch with them. There's nothing wrong with wanting to find that happy medium. When I'm going through those anxious phases, I meditate on accepting my feelings and attempt to let go of my thoughts and segway into something I enjoy doing on me own. Accept all feelings of anxiety you have so that you're aware and in control; the biggest thing to tell yourself is that it's going to take time for you to trust people fully, and that's okay. Then listen to something relaxing (i use the relaxation station on pandora) and clear your mind. After that, do something productive.

I hope this helped, and feel free to message or email me if you want to talk more about this!

Just gonna go with the flow on this one.....

I get, and understand you being afraid to be yourself. However, There's also a contradiction in the first 2 quotes.

It's the "Im not even sure who "myself" is, that I have a problem with. (I'm going to assume this statement is NOT accurate).... Because in the 2nd quote you say that you do know who are in private, and it's that person you don't know how to bring out. So... before you can get any help on that.. can you define who that person is in private? that will help us give you ideas on how you might bring this person out into the open.

letha wrote:I'm afraid to be myself, that's the biggest thing. A lot of the time, I'm not even sure who "myself" is... I will often kind of mirror people, or be complimentary toward them at least. It makes me feel connected to them, without them getting too close to me. I've always thought that the more people know of me, the less they will like me.

and

I really only know how to be myself when I'm alone, and I don't know how to bring that person out into the open... except... with self-deprecating humor.

In groups, I often just fade into the background... I barely know how to talk to people, because I feel lost. I don't know how to act. Unless I'm drinking... and then I just act stupid. Naturally.

worry about this later.

And then, there's the rapidly changing feelings I have about people. I take peoples actions too personally... and I know it's not healthy, but I've never been able to really change it. When people cancel on me, or when they're late... I feel abandoned, and... they hate me... or whatever, and it's over with. I can't trust them anymore. Typical... I'm sure.

Have you considered dbt? in dbt? something that may help, and it will take practice... If you keep what I'm about to say in your head eventually you'll begin to catch yourself.. I'm 99% sure of this. I have leave a 1% margin for error.lol. It's anticipating your reaction to real or imagined future events.

We'll use ur "if they cancel on you" because really you can do this with all that you mentioned. You and I make plans to go to the movies next Saturday night. You agree, I agree, we're going. At that moment begin to anticipate how you could react, and how you WILL react should I cancel. Tell yourself that it doesn't mean your being abandoned or disliked.. it means whatever it means. Think of things in advance that you could do, should I cancel.. so that you're not left obsessing.. So.. I call you Friday night and tell you I can't go...because a long lost friend is coming in from out of town (Idk anything).. I didn't cancel because I abandoned you, or dislike you, I cancelled because a long lost friend was coming in from out of town, and that's all it means. Put your plan into place with doing something else that you decided in advance so you're not left obsessing. It does work.. It does take practice.. you might not get right the first time, but at some point you will... and even once you get the hang of it you might have setbacks.. just get back to doing it.. I still f**kup today with this.. Sometimes I get it, and sometimes I don't... I guess being successful at this 40% of the time is better than 0% of the time. Questions/thoughts???

It's not just in making friends, but in keeping good relations with coworkers and acquaintances... it's been really difficult and caused me some problems. It's cost me some jobs.

need more info

Right now I can count only my husband as my friend... and his closest friend. But I almost never see either of them... and only briefly when I do. Maybe one of the reasons I manage to keep them, and keep good feelings about them is because... they aren't here?

probably need more info on this too.. at least I do...otherwise it's all guessing.. same with above

Anyway... I'm wondering if any of you have managed to make and keep friends... and how? And how, if you're able to, do you manage to be yourself with others?

No.. I'm not very good at this.. Actually, I suck.. I've written quite a few posts over the past couple weeks on this topic. My thoughts are... We have many dysfunctional learned behaviors that can be replaced with functional behaviors that we teach ourselves. What I discussed above (movies) is a functional behavior, that I do believe, is something that can be effectively learned. I believe the reason why many of these dysfunctional behaviors can be replaced with a more functional one is because their repetitive. What I mean by that is the more practice we can get, the more we will begin to see our dysfunctional behavior, the more we begin to see it, the easier it will be to make corrections. Unfortunately, we don't have this same luxury with friends, because once we f**k up we're not entitled to a 2nd chance. If we had an unlimited supply of friends walking through the front door.. it would be easy, and because we don't.. it's hard when it involves relationships. I do believe the things I discussed up above can help, and make it less likely for you to lose someone. You do have opportunities though to practice skills and controlling emotions with your husband and friend.

Also take a look at http://www.dbselfhelp.com

I wish that I had better advice to give on this, but I don't. I've failed and continue to fail at friendships. Hopefully, one day I'll have this aspect of my life figured out, because for me.. My self worth is based on friends.. I have no friends means I have no self worth.

Hopefully something I said was of use.

What I meant is that my sense of self tends to get lost when I'm with people. I feel somehow unlike myself. On my own, I have a better sense of who I am, but I don't know how to hold on to that when I'm around people. As an example, someone might ask me about things I enjoy, how do I spend my time... I don't know.

I remember when I was in therapy (I'm not anymore and don't have money for it) my dr would ask me about my life, about what I do with myself, about my family, my past, how I felt about things... and I'd draw a blank. He'd ask me about my day, about plans I had... I couldn't say. If people question me and insist, I can speak about myself... but I'll feel like I'm talking about someone else, and usually just joke around. Someone asks me about my plans... I might tell them I'm going to go hang out in the library because I'm cool like that, or go shop for some cardigans. Someone might ask what I read... I would tell them "very boring things."

On my own, I feel like people won't understand me, won't relate, or just won't like me... so I know it's probably fear holding me back, but... when I'm with people, I don't think about that. I don't think about much of anything... I just kind of feed off of who they are. Does that make sense?

As for dealing with feeling abandoned and such when people cancel etc... you have some good suggestions, although it's usually not over something like going to a movie... it's often been things that are important to me. I guess it's been a long time since I went and did things just for fun with people. So... I feel like I am somewhat justified in how I react... though... I do overreact.

Moodfighter, I didn't see your post until after I already replied, for some reason... but what you wrote seemed like it could be really helpful to keep in mind when dealing with people. It definitely doesn't come natural to me, but I'm sure it's worth the effort to try.

They're all acquired skills, really. It took a lot of trial and error with different people and trust issues, and I'm still not 100% there yet, but I'm getting there and the progress between myself now and myself 6 months ago has definitely been worth it. It definitely doesn't come right away, but keep working towards it and you will get there.

Hi Letha,

Sorry I misunderstood, and I also agree Moodfighter gave some really good info. I believe him and I are on the same page with some of our suggestions, and that is... it takes practice, and it's a mindset.. It is not natural to us, and it has to be worked on.

I'm a lot like you when people cancel etc. I'm hardly great at any of these skills, but I do find that anticipating helps a lot, and by doing that you're not counting on them cancelling or whatever the case may be.. It's your making a plan for yourself on how to react, what to do, what to say etc so if that does happen you can cope more effectively. You can anticipate with a lot of things that don't involve people.. You can get tons of practice. It took you years and years to develop ineffective coping techniques it will take you time to learn more effective ones.

although it's usually not over something like going to a movie... it's often been things that are important to me.

That's fine.. you can still anticipate....You have plans that mean alot to you.. anticipate or be aware... that if they cancel, you're going to be extremely angry, and by being extremely angry be aware of how that has affected you in the past..This is about breaking that cycle....What can you do differently, and it's HARD to do... The more you practice the easier it will become.

by MoodFighter » Mon Mar 19, 2012 8:47 pm

They're all acquired skills, really. It took a lot of trial and error with different people and trust issues, and I'm still not 100% there yet, but I'm getting there and the progress between myself now and myself 6 months ago has definitely been worth it. It definitely doesn't come right away, but keep working towards it and you will get there.

I highlight some of his words because this is what you do.. You have to learn what works for you, trial and error... He's still not 100% there.. Most of us aren't.... I'm certainly not... You have the ability to do it though...