I could *** in my pants... *TRIGGER*

Hey everyone!

It's today like always the same. I woke up and looked in my mirror.
I don't know who i am or what i am.
My doctor is a rat and won't help me (because of german health insurance system maybe) and i begin to lose myself more and more.
I tried to be a woman because i feel so since i can think. (also sometime crossdress'ed if i'm alone).
Many congratulations i become from many users on a chat roulette platform, although the men knows that i'm a boy.
Well, it was very nice and i felt accepted. And yes, i chat to many men which are very friendly and they just want to talk. Really fun!
But i am a boy and not a girl. Physically!
Tried to take legal hormons (female one) of such products like hop-extract and isoflavons and so on....
but... idk.
From nature of i got nice titties (it's in german 110 B cup) and i feel like a woman and ah jeeez what else and so on.
But i'm a realist again now.
I can't go out with my crossdress and i won't it.
I really don't know what i can say to that now.

I just HATE me, i hate borderline and i hate all around me because i am not accepted. Accepted only if i'm a woman. -.-"

But that's not the fact of the posting here. It's because i'm down - down from all the things which i can not do anymore.
I want to go out in a t-shirt and maybe want to be a man with a girlfriend, but i can't.
This is really hurting me.
My arms looks like a war field from anywhere in the world.

I weeping all the time today .. i can not do anything against that and all the thing i wish to do.
No work were it uses to be in half wear (short arm shirts and so on) or no "after showering" like as idk what...something with screw cars or something else. idk.

Today, after i was crossdressed, i found out that i could never be like i want to be in work, to have money and a friendly girlfriend.
Nevermore. Times has gone!
I could jiz now. lol
damnit ... -.-"

Sittin' here on a warm sunny day.... in my FLAT! pffff
I'm so sick and alone i can't imagine that myself. Just today.
Life closes now the doors for me and won't let me out ... there ... there were people have fun and stay nice together.

Since 4 Days i'm hurting myself again but not physically. Ok maybe yes, but without knifes if you know what i mean.
I won't eat because i will hurt myself. Because i am nothing. A stupid 33 year old man. lol
My body lost 10 pounds in this time...of course i was out and drove away on my ride...
and of course i had a "normal" life....had visitors in my flat (what i not do as usual) and spoke much about things which are not belong to me and so on.
But i hate it to speak so much - it brings my sweat up and disturb/distract me... so in this case it's like a natural diet method i call.
And i'm so hungry. -.-"
You can't imagine, maybe.

WHY, i ask you, why can no one burgle into my flat and surprises me with a Heads*** ?
I feel so dirty, so disgusting.
Can take showers and showers but i'm not getting clean. I do not eat something else to get myself clean... but lol.
I know this phase will go one for the next weeks and i know i will eat something with fast following ejection - i just hate me.
Sooo hungry...all those thoughts to food. crazy. But every time i think on it i say to me: "No you as*hole, you become nothing! You did nothing for it. You live just like a fool and your life suckZ. See it!"

Jeez i can't stand anymore.....

My doc is not available to me because he's a real di**head. Last time i was there (in begin of this week), i sit there, he come's in. Friendly as always.
BUT!
I told him i'm something about my hair (it's in beginning to fall out i guess... idk but i can feel it) and ask him for medi's. Ok guess what he did? Ahum, yes uhm, here is a transferfile to the next dermatologist.
Well, lol. But ok maybe. (as i told we got a crazy health insurance system right now here in germany)
So then i told him i'm not really ok and i feel bit again bad. Yes he knows me and in my doc files it's documented that i am borderliner.
But guess what he said: Oh ... uh... yes... maybe i can help you with the next transfer to the neurologist.
Jeeeeez!
WHERE i am??? In a bakery or in a shop for dildos were i would ask for the next train-station???

And i just can't change my doc - that's .... yikes!

Last weeks i cutted very much and a bit to deep. So i wrote to an hospital ambulance what i can do or how i could see if a scar do deep and if that need to stitch - no reply!
Why i didn't go to an hospital?
You know that, it's just i'm scared about people they see me or looks at me.
The last "visit" was a nightmare (hospital).
They wanted me to keep there and lock up because it was night and they couldn't deal with my to many scars.

~~~

Yes, where i am - where we are? I don't know anymore.
Just a note (this message) and you don't have to reply (until you want it ^^).
I'm just very down and i got no one i could go to nor speech to about whatever.
Nothin'... I'm alone for the next years.
My mother will not much more life (breast cancer comes back) and i hope it will going fast. If so, i want go with her and .... well... too much words.
Just hate myself, i'm sorry!

Yours, lonely one

(moderators/admins only: this message is no suicide call and i will live for a long time! So, stay cool. )