Being a good mother

How can I be a good mother?

I should be a good mother.
To be a good mother, I should have a good boy.
So, my boy should be a good boy.

Often, my mind is somewhere else.
He tells me something, I give him some reply,
but actually, I don't know what he is saying.

He makes a very slight mistake, or he does not hear me.
I feel a huge rage toward him.

I want him want what I want him want,
which is exactly the same what my parents did.

wow im just perusing through here from another forum, and my god wtf? look at your line of logic, if you want to be a goo mother, you would probably be concerned with what your son wants, more than your own need, this is the "fundamental rule" of being a mother, apparently. so just do the opposite of what your doing, and your relationship will improve.

DistortedGirl
First of all, how good a mother you are doesn't guarantee a good kid. Yes, you will have some effect on him, but a lot of it, especially when he hits those teenage years (if he hasn't already) depend on him. I know a great mother who has one kid (now in his 20's) that has been in and out of jail for years now. Kids are their own people; parents can influence them, but that's all.

To help control your rage, have you thought about anger management counseling? Getting that under control will not only help you keep from snapping on him, but because you'll be in more control, you'll probably feel a little better about things in general. Just a thought!

LookingForAnswers23
"Just do the opposite of what you're doing" isn't as easily done as said. Borderline is an emotional disorder, so there are many times where we'd like to respond one way, but instinct causes us to respond another, and that's what DG's going through right now.

Please be careful of your responses. This forum is intended to be helpful and supportive to its members and your post showed signs of neither.

lookingforanswers23 wrote:wow im just perusing through here from another forum, and my god wtf? look at your line of logic, if you want to be a goo mother, you would probably be concerned with what your son wants, more than your own need, this is the "fundamental rule" of being a mother, apparently. so just do the opposite of what your doing, and your relationship will improve.

BIB- I can understand why you feel this, but this is a struggle for pwBPD and she is in a way admitting she needs help. Many parents don't reach out like this!

@Distortedgirl
Work on your rage and splitting using DBT. You can't apply the 'good/ bad' logic to a child, that's going to mess him up, and possibly lead to him having psychological issues later in life.

Look into anger managment using Mindfulness, relaxation techniques to ground you, maybe some family therapy. Do you have a good support network? What about his father? And I think the part at the end about your parents, shows that you aware that you are repeating the same mistakes, which is a great realisation, one that many parents never come to!

Don't think of yourself in terms of a 'good parent', I know that's hard. All parenting styles are different, the only ones that are wrong are abusive ones.

@JohnnyBlaze
I don't think it's fair to bring in a story about a person you know, just to back up your opinions. For one thing, we all have a different perception of what is a 'good' parent, who knows what is going on behind closed doors. For the child to be in and out of jail, there is possibly an ASDP type disorder going on, and who knows what caused that. I don't believe in this 'bad seed' idea.

And lets drop this whole 'good mother/ good kid' nonsense. There is no such thing! Talking about 'guaranteeing a good kid' is a horrible way to look at children. It's exactly this sort of language that leads to BPD in the first place! Kids arent good or bad.
Instead of asking why this kid is acting out, why they are in and out of prison, why they are self-harming, why are they acting out, people just judge and label.

Sorry to go on a rant, but I think it's totally inappropirate to judge other people's kids and then talk about them on a PD forum, until you know the full story. And considering this is a Personality Didorder forum, where it's known that abuse can lead up to antisocial behaviour, kids who are in jail have been let down at some point, and deserve compassion not judgment.

And saying 'kids are their own people' on PD forum, where many are still struggling with the after effects of abuse and neglect and the maladaptive systems they used to survive. We are only just beginning to understand how parents affect their children, and considering there are people who are acting out and still traumatised, I'd say that's an inappropriate comment. Many on here are just beggining to understand the extent of the effect their parents had on them.

LIly
I know the kid; I like him, and yes, he does have a PD. The point I was trying to make was that as a parent, you can't control how your kid will turn out. I made sure to keep things vague enough that there would be nothing to identify either of them, but I see your point; in future, I'll keep anecdotes out of it. I do apologize.

hi I'm a single mom to a 17 month lil boy! I love him to pieces Yes I want him to be good! I worry alot because me and his father had drug problems I dont want him to go thru that!! I try my best with him and he is smart funny cute and he makes me happy! But I have bad days sometimes where I dont want to get off the couch and play with him! I have some guilt when im feeling bad! I want him to have a great childhood and life! I guess that all we can do! Please dont take your emotions out on your child! I think you were anxious when you posted, are you a single mom?

Lily, I disagree..
As a person I feel it is fair for us to bring in our perspectives of what we have “see” or what we know personally. Is that not why we are here?
If I had asked a question about something that was bothering me, and all the answers I received were… “I don’t know.. But I read in a book” ….. I would be like… ok, so you can read, good for you... Now you may take that book and--------!

Now to the matter at hand.

As a mom:
Children do not come with a manual when you leave the hospital. You are handed a squirming bundle and told raise him/her right. But what is right? What I do might not be for everyone else.
And yes, we look at what other parents are doing, we watch other parents with their kids… most of the time thinking.. I wish my child behaved like that or, I wish my relationship with my child was like that… but you never know.. That child might be a holy terror when at home!
We do what we think is right.

As a single mom (for most of my sons life):
Yes it was stressful, yes it was hard..
Heck I pee sitting down.. How do I teach him to pee standing up!
And yes I messed up.. a lot. Many a night I sat and cried and thought how awful a mom I was.. And many a night I thought, wow, I am a good mom. I would ask other parents what they did , or how they did it.. Sometimes thinking ..ewww no way I am doing it that way, or hey that’s a great idea.
Bottom line we have no CLUE as to what we are doing!
And yes you will get angry at your child. If this happens… before you react, count to ten, breath, and then try… if that does not work, Walk Away!.. And if you have gone too far and yelled at the child… when calm go back, say your sorry.. AND MEAN IT. If the child is old enough then talk to your child… explain that sometimes mommy looses her temper, but that doesn’t mean that she doesn’t love you! But if you find that you are going to physically harm the child… get help, call someone to watch the child and get away for a breather.. And look into getting help. And don’t feel bad… all parents screw up, two parent households as well as single parent households.
Heck, look at my son, for the most part he is a great kid.. And he is 14... And still alive!

myfault wrote:Lily, I disagree..
As a person I feel it is fair for us to bring in our perspectives of what we have “see” or what we know personally. Is that not why we are here?
If I had asked a question about something that was bothering me, and all the answers I received were… “I don’t know.. But I read in a book” ….. I would be like… ok, so you can read, good for you... Now you may take that book and--------!

I disagree.

I think when you are talking on a PD forum about how parenting affects the child, it's totally inapporpirate to bring in a story like that, especially as 'JohnnyBlaze' said, the boy in question does have a PD! So clearly something has happened in his life for that to happen. I don't think it's nice to use another child's experience, not knowing the full facts behind their lives. Especially in the context of abuse/PDs.

Using a real life experience, of a child with a PD, is totally different from reading from a book.

You can control how a child turns out, by being a supportive parent and guiding them in the right direction! So to say that parenting doesnt' have that much effect on how the child turns out, on a forum where many people are abuse survivors is just wrong, and invalidating.

Lily;
I understand your passion in regards to disorders. And I also understand how some disorders come to light. I do hear you.
the word “abuse” never came up, I was in fact speaking in general child rearing terms, as I feel the others were as well.
May I ask, do you have children?

Ok then, as speaking from a childhood, teenage, adulthood abuse survivor..
We do the best we can.
Yes we nurture, yes we guide them, yes we support them (in what is right), yes we want for them more than our parents gave us, I could go on and on..

But you cannot control what happen when they walk out the door. You can only hope that you have done a good enough job.

this is only what I found as a mother.

Lily
I do stand by my statement that children are their own people. Yes, they are affected by their surroundings (including their parents), and they will pick up traits from their parents, but they're not mirror copies. You're not a carbon copy of your mother, as neither am I with my father. We're our own people. Affected by our parents? Yes, undoubtedly. But that doesn't mean that they determine, 100%, how we turn out. They can affect how we turn out, not control it.

Admittedly, there is a lot more that I want to say, but I think it's best for all if you and I just let it go.