COULD THEY BE BPD? Non's - Please post HERE - *TRIGGER*

Renny,

You could try a book called 'Reinventing your Life' by Jeffrey Young, that might help you understand a bit more about your family.
It's about 'lifetraps' or when people repeat the same behaviour over and over, and where that behaviour stems from, usually in childhood. It may help you to understand yourself and your sister, and maybe get some control back over things.

That does sound like a very traumatic environment to grow up in, and the BPD is probably a comdbination of genetics and PTSD.

Many of us on here use Mindfulness to cope with anxiety, which is someting you can look into.

I use something called 'Trauma Release Exercises' that have helped me a lot. They're stretching and stressing exercises to stimulate the muscles in the body that carry stress and trauma. Have a look on Youtube for videos. And if you want, I can PM you some links.

Thanks Lily82. I guess, in running away from home, I reinvented a while back, without realising it. I moved 400 miles away 12 years ago. That really helps. when I did, I let them know I refused to be drawn into their fights. Mom does it with Sissy, Mom does it with aunts, Aunts do it with Sissy. Home sweet hell. Since I won't participate, they don't want to talk to me as often. yay. I dont talk about my family to friends, or at work.

I dance, I bowl with friends, I swim, walk, and push mow grass for the exercise, and lately have been trying to grow things. Succulent plants that thrive with neglect. I write. I have been going to see local musicians. I've become a middle aged groupie. I do things I've always wanted to do - that my mom would look down her nose at. It's funny - I found a forum this morning for support for people that had suffered because a relative has bpd. One of the threads was asking what life skills we lacked or were lacking as a result of being raised by a BPD. I had to think about it for a few. She kept me childlike by not teaching me to cook, balance a checkbook. She taught me that my needs were secondary to hers, then my sissy's - so...not to expect much in a relationship, so I didn't. I'm working on that- I'm getting there, almost bossy sometimes!!

I think there should be a separate site for kids raised by BPD parents. There are books around that can help. I found reaading up on Narcissitcic child abuse helpful, made me realise what had happened to me.

Many of us find those BPD family support sites triggering, because they allow parents of kids with BPD on there. And since BPD is caused by abuse, that's enabling abusive parents.

But yeah, teaching your kids that your needs come second is very damaging. Many parents, not just BPD, do this. It kills your self-esteem.

Hi Lily82,

Why do you think there should be a separate site for someone like me?

Oh god, sorry, that came out looking worse than I intended! I didn't explain it very well.

What I meant was, those 'family support' sites, they have parents of BPD, spouses of BPD and children of BPD. They are all different relationship dynamics, with different levels of power.

So children of pwBPD should have their own place to heal and talk about experiences, without having to deal with the other dynamics, if that makes sense? With a BPD/ non relationship, there can be blame both sides. But with a BPD/ child relationship, the child is innocent.

And there shouldn't even be a place where parents of BPD go for support, as BPD is created from abuse and neglect!

For example, my parents have Narcissisitc PD. And even though it's a PD/ condition, it was still abuse, and I don't want to be bogged down with the reasons why NPD happens. I have tried to understand NPD, but my therapist says I should be concentrating on how the abuse affected me, not on why it happened, that's not my problem.

Have you tried searching for any support books? As I said, 'Reinventing your Life' is a very good book.

Oh ok. I'm really trying to be careful here. posting my experiences and opinions, hoping it's not offensive to admin. I read several books a few years ago. I found the best way to move forward was to not look back. They don't want to change. They are very happy, in a comfort zone, surrounded by family that acts the same as they do, or worse. They all know what not to talk about with each other, Conversations are sometimes stilted, but it is familiar, I spose.

But, I'm looking at taking care of my mother, and possibly my sister, after years of their abuse and scorn heaped on me. And for all of that, I don't hate them, I pity them, I still love them, and will do the best I can for them. I want to learn how to do that, without losing the reinvention. I'm here to learn more about the disorder so I can understand them. As for other dynamics at this site, or any other, I just don't take them to heart. I can only process so much.

And yes, it was bad parenting. My mom is BPD, no doubt about it, but when she first tried counseling, the term wasn't common, and not much was known about the disorder. Her untreated BPDdisorder traumatised us, and spawned another BPD, my sister. And my sister is a real bad mom, worse than ours was, and that's because of her self-absorption, her raging, her verbal abuse and physical violence on those little girls. But neither will accept responsibility for their poor parenting. My mom denies she ever whooped up on us. She broke my nose when I was 9, smacking me against the wall. But maybe she really doesn't remember, maybe that's her perception, reality. idk. She tries to project that she was a good mom. So does my sister.

I'm posting only in the non thread that my posts were moved to, with a *trigger* disclaimer. Although I wonder at segregating a public forum this way, I do understand the reasons it's set up this way, and don't want to upset anyone.

The reason for this thread, is that a lot of 'non' spouses were posting on the forum talking about their exes or asking if their partners had BPD. It could be quite triggering for some, and some were using the place as a way to heal from the BPD partner.

Also, for children of BPD, this place could be triggering for them, maybe?

No, you can post all you want to about your experience. It may help you to meet others on here, if they have BPD parents.

That sounds awful. Most abusive parents will deny it, I guess they can't face up to the truth, probably even to themselves.

Do you really think after all she did, and that she lied, that you want to look after her? Maybe you should spend some time healing and gaining your own identity.

True about my mom, but I wouldn't let her knock around in an old three story house by herself. I will at least arrange for round the clock care. My sister will probably blow out by the time she turns 50. She has a bad heart, is overweight, and has abused drugs and alcohol for a long time. She's already had a small stroke in her eye, and I just don't think she's going to be around. I wouldn't completely turn my back on any family member.

My original post was just about BPD, being genetic, learned, or from PTSD. I started a thread, but admin moved it here. It's very hard to follow this thread, since the triggery ones all get dumped here.

Have you ever watched Obsession on A&E? It deals with all kinds of OCD, some of them self-harm, and how they get people to stop behaving compulsively. They work them through the triggering thoughts that bring them to the point of compulsion.

This is what I had learned a few years ago when I would become anxious. Instead of letting it take me over, where I would hyperventilate, my glucose would spike then bottom out, if I recognised it, and caught it soon enough, I would breathe deeply until I felt calmer, then ask myself what my fear was. Then I could address the fear. I wonder what the big fear is here? With all the warnings about triggers?

With my sister, there are so many subjects we are not allowed to discuss. My weight loss, my fiancee, my jobs, the house I plan on building. The fact that I have friends. That I write in my spare time, that I sew, that I like to explore our genealogy. All things she doesn't do or have, but it cuts out any conversation, other than about herself. It also cuts out any conversation that might make her uncomfortable or jealous. It comes down to her insecurities. She tries to control every social setting by being the center of attention, so she can feel better about herself, even momentarily. She used to get attention for being pretty, then it was because of her kids, now she gets attention by ranting, or talking about how sick she is. She does this in a fairly aggressive way, and it keeps the dynamic the samo samo way it has always been. She protects herself from possible perceived threats, by maintaining what she thinks is a safe environment. She isn't learning anything new, no new coping skills, and she doesn't change.

Hi. I'm new here. and desperately need some advice. I've been dating a girl for 8 months. we're both 37. She has been living with me for 3months.
She is brilliant, creative, loves to read, a great cook, amazing with plants (or anything living), cares about the environment, is an amazing lover, nurturing, empathetic and wiser than people twice her age.

she has multiple BPD traits. But no cutting or violence/rage. Her mood is incredibly unstable (I never know who I'm coming home to) and changes like a switch, I feel like I have to walk on eggshells all the time. One day I'm an amazing man and the next she says she wants to leave and I have a mental illness. she is hypersensitive and can cry from the smallest things and also can create huge drama from the tiniest thing. she also wakes from the slightest noise at night.

I love her so much. I will struggle to meet someone that has such a solid value system that is so closely aligned with mine. But I'm really struggling and she is in complete denial and often says I'm the one with the problem. to make things worse, she has no job, no money, no place to go. Her father left her when she was 4. her mom is severely bipolar. It breaks my heart to think of leaving her like everyone else in her life. during the "good times" she's my angel. an amazing and talented person.

I guess I'd like to hear from people with BPD: What allowed you to overcome the denial? Do you have any advice for how to approach her? basically, if she won't acknowledge her condition, I will never make it. if she does, I'll support her 200%! whatever it takes.

From the nons: Have any of you stayed long term in a situation like this?

Any advice at all greatly appreciated. I've read lots of posts and 2 books but I'm still unsure how to approach this major decision.

Thanks in advance!
Charles

Hi Charles!

Welcome to the forum!! I'm very sorry to hear that you're having difficulty in your relationship.

I would like to move your post to the "Could They Be BPD" thread up in the top, as I think that you will receive more support there from others and those with BPD who have experience in handling relationships with a BPD person.

It is very possible to work out a relationship with us BPD'ers, but it is important to understand that if they have a strong aversion to therapy or treatment, there is not a ton of hope that someone will recover on their own. It is also said that the symptoms of this disorder lessen as one gets older.

My best to you! Take care,

<3

AMP