COULD THEY BE BPD? Non's - Please post HERE - *TRIGGER*

I was dx with anxiety and depression. Ive been taking 40mg of prozac and i still feel sad and empty. Im waiting to see a new psychiatrist. My sister who is a psychiatric social worker thinks i could have BPD. I think so too. Im very impulsive with my money. Most of the time i feel empty inside and bored. Lately ive been having suicidal thoughts and think "what if" i did something. I dont have many relationships cause im always paranoid about peoples intentions & think that they are out to get me and make me look vulnerable

Hello,
I'm glad this forum is here.

I dated a man (an attorney) and here are somethings that happened (I'm going to try and keep it brief as possible so I don't bore anyone: )

1. He told me that he was breaking up with his MARRIED girlfriend and they were doing the "closure" thing.
2. I then found out HE was also married but the wife was living separately and he was paying all her expenses. He told me it was his "responsibility because they were married and she gave up her life for him."
I thought: "wow, nice man."
3. He immediately swept me off my feet, made endless promises of yacht trips and trips to Spain, constantly cooked gourmet dinners for me and took me out to expensive dinners where there were always different groups of "friends..."
4. He told strange and crude jokes while we were in groups of people
5. He got mad at me at the beginning of the relationship because I nicely asked him to "keep me updated about the 'closure' with the girlfriend," he exclaimed: "I'm not going to tell you every detail!" and then wouldn't talk to me for 2-days...When we talked again he told me that I "had a meltdown and wouldn't talk to him."
6. He got mad when we were in a nice discussion over using "real sugar" vs. "fake sugar" and he erupted with anger and exclaimed that he never wanted to talk about it again.
7. He told me to NOT move the relationship too quickly (but I wasn't, he was), because he didn't do "closure" yet with the married girlfriend, yet he went around telling everyone that we were "seeing each other." He then gave me hickies all over my neck and told me that he wanted to "show [me] off."
He wanted to have sex all the time, begged me to sleep over constantly when I wanted to return to my own home, and just wanted me around all the time.
And he was always telling me to "NOT take things too quickly."
8. He spied on my phone the first week we knew each other, admitted to it, apologized, and then "thanked me" for not getting upset with him about it.
9. He did a full background check on me our first week of dating (because he is an attorney, he had access to background check software).

10. The end point: He told me that the girlfriend and him were "discussing matters." I needed to be patient for a few days, and then all of a sudden I got an EMAIL that they were back together again!
No explanation, NOTHING. "C" and I are back together again. Hopefully we can still be friends.

Help. What on earth was this? I am so confused. This man and I had such a blast together (okay, a bit of drama mixed in). I was on such a "high" with him and then I crashed suddenly and with no explanation. Everything was/is so crazy, yet I really fell for him.

Any insight would be so appreciative,

Lynna

Posted this in the NPD forum because I see many NPD traits but was told its probably more BPD:

My on/off girlfriend of almost 3 years wants to end our relationship. For the last 6 months it has been going very well, but the last 3 weeks has been spotty with a arguments that got her raging out of control over nothing - party a result of hormones due to stopping BC. Now she doesnt know how she feels about me anymore and thinks there is no more physical chemistry, yet just a week ago she was deeply in love and showering me with affection and could wait to spend christmas and the new years with me.

Her NPD seems to come out once a month over little disagreements that get blown out of proportion on her end. She will never let me talk or share my feelings about what is bothering me, or how we can reach resolution about something. She ridicules or insults me when I need to talk about a problem, especially if its about us. Everything is black or white with her, all or nothing. She lacks empathy and perspective and it appears to be getting worse. She believes little disagreements are "always arguing" and "never see her point" etc. For her there can be no agree to disagree. Its winner or loser. Yet when we are together she is relaxed, calm, and secure and these outbursts dont happen. Sex on the other hand is hit and miss. At times its great, and at other times she lacks interest and then blames me for not feeling anything.

Whenever I share my experiences of our relationship with others I am usually told its bpd or npd. The common language during her times of turmoil are:

leave me alone
end it now and leave me
i hate you
you dont know me
you dont get me
you dont listen to me
you always argue with me
everyone opposes me
im done
they hate me at work
theyre out to get me
i know they are talking about me
etc

Whenever we try to talk about real issues between us she sees that as a threat and an agrument and proceeds to dominate the conversation, become outraged, show zero empathy, slam the phone on the table several times before hanging up multiple times through the course of the conversation. As for long distance, its only been so for 6 months, yet I have been willing to travel every month for a visit. I believe she views the world as all or nothing - if 1 part of the relationship needs work, then none of it can work. I dont want to be like everyone else who has just washed their hands of her and walked away, but what are my options?!

I love this person so much and have devoted so much time to her and our relationship, but have seen some very sad traits that point to either NPD or BPD. An only child, her mother died at 2, and was raised by her father who did not know how to raise her, so they had a tumultuous relationship.

Im not sure what to do anymore. The choice is to get her to make this work and to realize that relationships are about compromise etc, or cease all contact forever with the love of my life.

Any advice is appreciated on how to communicate and deal with a loved one with BPD?

Thanks!

UPDATE: I am now getting the "dont play the victim mentality" line when I tried to use examples of her continued behavior toward me that upset me. Im being accused of emotional abuse for suggesting this could be a PD. Now what!?

f10a -

unfortunately, there is no 'answer' to your question. if there was, there wouldn't be post after post here on how to deal with a bpd s.o. i think she's in a bad place right now and she is in need of some massive validation. you mentioned that she's projecting that are playing the victim role. have you read much about validation? here's a link that i think might help you.

http://www.anythingtostopthepain.com/va ... -revealed/

i'd grab some books if i were you. check amazon or such on books relationships with pwbpd.

I am really struggling with this one now...

After months of trying to talk about everything, only to be devalued and ridiculed when I attempted to talk about how her behavior has made me feel (she doesnt think she has done anything), I approached my BPDgf's friend who grew up with her to try to see if she could help me grasp things and take a different approach. I was backed into a corner by my gf and needed someone to reach out to and thought the friend could help. At first she was receptive and concerned but when I brought up the possibility of bpd/npd she started to get defensive. She then told my gf and who refused to hear any of it, as expected. She then turned it all around on me and projected a lashing of hateful behavior toward me - calling me names, calling me insane, crazy etc; said she has tried to talk to me over and over but i refuse to listen and lose my temper. I tried to validate her concerns and feelings but she never once considered that her actions have led me to believe and feel this could be the root of the problem. She can never consider why I feel the way I do or why her rampage makes me feel the way it does - yet only repeats that I have "emotionally abused her with these accusations" and to apologize at once and to apologize to her friend who heard the story as well.

Coincidentally, her friend tried to show her some perspective on how she acted toward me a few weeks ago. She ended up apologizing for it and I dropped it, as one should do. Yet now says she only apologized because her friend told her to! As such, she still doesnt understand why she apologized nor why her actions needed an apology! If this is not typical of bpd/npd then wtf!

I have offered that we both go speak to a professional together so we may gain some outside perspective and learn from it and learn how to communicate and understand each other better while improving our relationship, but she flat out refuses and says I have mental problems! I have offered to talk to her on the phone provided we set some ground rules so we respect each other, but that is unacceptable to her. Yet she still continues with her verbal assault on me for trying to work things out.

I really am at a loss here on what to do next. I give her space and she flips out, I try to validate her feelings of hurt for me bringing up bpd but that doesnt work, I try to extend at every opportunity the olive branch but nothing except me me me me...

Now what!?

Copied and pasted from my other post as I did not see this one (Although I would, out of my own arrogance, to keep my other thread up, and if no one replies to it or this, so be it, I suppose I will look elsewhere for the answers I seek)

I honestly have no idea what would trigger something, nor if what I say could potentially trigger it. Alright, so to make it clear, I may be a "BPD-Sufferer" or I may not be.

Prior to making my first BPD girlfriend (as she admitted that she was diagnosed with it and other disorders) it has made me reflect on quite a bit on how my father had treated me as a child. Yes, I understand that this is a support group for those with BPD, but I do not ask for sympathy, but just an answer to the question: After presenting all of the information below, do you think he may have been BPD, or at least Bi-Polar?

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Alright, so I do know that Borderline Personality Disorder is rarely seen in males, and is, as I have read somewhere, misdiagnosed for AntiSocial Personality Disorder, as females are normally misdiagnosed for Borderline Personality Disorder when they may end up having AntiSocial Personality Disorder. There is also the whole comorbidity between the two as well. So, my first question would be to ask how does a male with BPD differ from a female with BPD, how do they express the way they feel when society frowns upon males who express how they actually feel? Do they do it anyway, or just express it in another way? What makes APD and BPD different from each other? How are they similar?
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On to my father, I'll try to shorten it a bit. My father smooth-talked my mother into giving him her virginity at the age of 22, and because she was got knocked up she had to drop out of college (Community) as she was to give birth to me, the Bastard Child. My mother stated that my father, although denied entirely that I was his, he still went to see me when I was born and 'held me in his hands' as he said from time to time. My father was also with his friends at the time, as he tells it from his side, and he gave his friends 20 bucks to buy some baby stuff; diapers, powder, etc. Normally when he brings it up he sounds all sentimental and reminiscent about it, but then normally brings up how I'll end up leaving him (which was entirely true) and then says "It would hurt your brother if you left... he truly loves you" blah blah, fail attempt at emotional blackmail. Anyway, growing up... after seeing me in the hospital and all that jazz, he just got up and left, went on to deny I was his, and dodged child support. Five years later, my mother finally had the sense to take him to court as times were getting hard trying to raise a child as a single mother, but my mother has always been the caring type, always putting me about her own needs, sometimes ridiculously so, but I love her for it. Just putting it out there that my mother wasn't the abusive one, but rather the supportive, yet slightly perfectionist one. My father demanded visitation rights (I think he tried to get sole custody for whatever reason and failed miserably and got once a month). During the times that I ended up going over his house, he always took me out somewhere, normally with his mother, my 'mom mom' as I called her before she died. He treated me pretty nicely then, but even then I found it boring over there. He lived in a one-room apartment and going out to places was fun, but the conversations were always awkward, just small talk that I hated even back then. Eventually he married an obese white lady, who is my step-mother and the mother of his next child. From what I've heard of how they met, my father was a bit of a smooth talker, always knowing what to say to get what he wanted. I share this trait as well, but I don't know if what he does is similar to how BPD is, where it isn't premeditated, but for me it is. For instance, I try to see what I can get out of something before doing it, and consider the consequences when doing it. I know that having a parent with BPD may increase the chances of you getting it, but I have a strong doubt that I would have inherited it, unless males with BPD express it differently than a female would.

Anyway, back to the story... he ended up marrying my step mother and they moved into a house, they pushed for more visitation rights and I was forced to visit twice a month instead of once, and instead of just a day, it became a full weekend. At first the changes were a bit subtle from the caring and loving (yet boring) father I had visited once a month. He became or irritable and easily angered, and definitely yelled profanities a lot when upset. Step-Brother was born, his 'love and affection' were turned on him, while I still had to visit, sit and watch what was on TV, as I was always a more 'to-myself' type of person. As I grew up, and as my step-brother grew up, his anger became more and more apparent and easily set off. I don't remember if there was much verbal abuse back then, as I was around 6 or 7 and it's been a LONG time ago. He drank a lot, I do not remember when it started, but it was after he moved to his new house. He would berate me for every little mistake I made, but I think it was like this even prior to moving into the new house... although less frequent. Before moving to the new house, I remember being afraid of him though, for one time he was 'teaching me how to box' when I was around 6 I think, y'know punching his hands and whatnot, and I got an opening and punched him right in the nose... drew blood too, and I remember being petrified of what he was going to do. I don't know why he did not, perhaps seeing me petrified with fear caused him to reconsider any actions he was thinking of. Anyway, new house... I was in elementary school, I remember my mother and I living with her abusive and psychotic boyfriend. That's another story, but y'know the deal, friendly and appealing at first, then the real side shows. He was bi-polar and apparently schizophrenic as my mother overheard him having conversations and arguments with himself... and possibly Borderline because she said that, while I was at my father's house he threatened her with a knife when she threatened to leave him, or perhaps that's Narcissistic Personality Disorder? Anyway, I always loved drama when I was little, so I stirred up a bit. I disliked my father and I remember my mother's boyfriend smacked me pretty hard upside my hide for doing something stupid, and so I devised a plan... not really a plan, just improvised. I told my father that my mother's boyfriend said he would beat him up or something, dunno why he bought it, was a pretty obvious lie. Told mother's boyfriend about it as well. Well, unfortunately nothing bad happened as it was defused, but I never got in trouble for it, made me consider how powerful words can be.. I think I was 8? 9? Was hoping one would kill the other to be honest. Even more unfortunate, my grandfather got involved as well, I forget how, but I think it was more impulsive than anything, I wanted my father to get beat pretty badly, preferably dead. Although as young as I was, I did not consider the consequences of what would happen to my grand father if there was a physical altercation, or even worse, a murder. He used to be a guard in the penitentiary and knew how to deal with inmates with his hands as I don't think guns were allowed since if an animate got one, it'd be a huge riot. He could handle himself, I'm sure, but a prison guard going to prison? Especially since there are still there in prison that remembered him; although he was respectful to prisoners, as they respected him, he was strong and so were they, but it was more of an understanding really... anyway... yeah. My father was weak, my grandfather was strong, my mother's boyfriend was pretty strong as well, so basically at the age of 10, I ended up plotting a way to get rid of him.


I remember one time when I came home without my science book because I had homework for it, and I was too pressured and afraid to lie like I normally did (I used to lie a lot... compulsively and pathologically. I'm different now though, as the consequences of getting caught are pretty high and not worth lying over, at least not usually) and he threw me down the stairs... I remember stumbling away down the hallway, only for him to catch up and attempt to throw me down the basement steps (Which aren't carpeted mind you, they were pure wood at the time) but I caught on to the doorway with my shoulder and still have to scar to prove it. After that, he told me to 'go to bed' or whatever. I remember my step mother not intervening, as she was afraid herself, but she did talk to him after. That was the first and only form of physical abuse I've suffered though, and he apologized for it after. I think it was this event that made me do the whole mother's boyfriend vs father type of thing. (To reiterate, my mother's boyfriend at the time was psychotic and was just as easily irritated as my father was, except he was stronger, and definitely would have won, and killed him, and ended up in jail. Win-Win). There were other physical abusive things, like stepping on my hands when I watched TV one time he grounded me for my grades in school. I also remember getting a bad grade, and my father said he would 'take care of me' when he got home. To hopefully defuse the situation, I ran up to him and gave him a hug... I think then he threw me to the ground... or kneed me in the chest and did it? Another time was the ruler thing, he made me wrap my hands around a vase and he beat my hands repeatedly with a ruler until they were 'broken' and of course I lied, but little did I know that if they were broken they would be unable to unfold from the vase, but eventually he let me go. My step mother was also there and watched.


So besides for physical abuse, as I have no idea if it is common for someone with Borderline Personality Disorder to be physically abusive, as I only hear of emotional abuse, but he did it in some rather extreme ways.

Punishment - His forms of punishment, when not physically abusive, were demeaning tasks like scrubbing the floor or doing a lot of chores. Now they may not sound demeaning, but what was is that my step-brother shared the same exact punishment, only to a slightly lesser extent, so as to 'guilt-trip' me or something. Now, the reason my grades were so poor was because I was diagnosed with A.D.D/A.D.H.D and he refused to believe that I had it and was just lazy. A bit unfair, but oh well, no use crying over spilled milk. Eventually, when he saw that this had no effect, as I didn't care either way, I preferred this actually because with him helping I got everything done faster. As I grew up, he stopped all physical abuse and concentrated on verbal. I remember one time my step mother said 'You look nice today Moltar, I bet all the girls will want you" and my father replies, by interjecting himself into the conversation and saying "Ain't no girl going to want you" which I have taken to heart really. She said I looked good, but he reacted negatively, I'm guessing to either get the attention off of me and on to him, or to make me feel bad and never get a girlfriend as it would mean me coming over less. He has berated me from time to time, but none I remember more than the situation I stated above. I mean, besides for saying I'm selfish, self-centered, and that I don't care about anyone but yourself (and then later "You don't care about anything, do you?") and he was right. Even back then, I didn't care about any of them. Me and my brother were pretty close, by close I mean he was the only reason I kept my sanity and did not commit suicide, as in not that I had an attachment, but we played video games, had cool and childish discussions, watched TV together, etc. He was like a 'best friend' when I was over there really, it was so boring otherwise. Anyway, my step-brother was HIS favorite child really, as he forged him into whatever he wanted. He was more athletic (Baseball MVP and active in the sports community. I used to play Football and was a starter, but never liked it because I was forced into it), smarter (If getting good grades makes you smart, then he was, as he got all A's and B's, while I was in my own world with B's and C's and sometimes D's), more social (He had tons of friends and constantly needed to be with one, a true extrovert. I was by myself, inside and alone but not because I was lonely, but I loved being alone, I just got bored so easily. Never had more than 2 friends at a time). Another funny thing about my brother, he has a big attitude problem, as he gets over-exaggerates everything, gets angry and even yells at his mother and can even argue with his father, in which case doing either would have resulted in some harsh punishment. He is definitely overly-emotional yet at the same time he is a bit uncaring at times. In fact, before I stopped going over, his emotional swings were getting worse and worse. After I left, I blocked all of their numbers and only through an email my father sent my mother that my brother wished to talk to me again, apparently he had a blood sugar level over a 1000 and is a diabetic. I didn't want to talk to anyone from over there, but my mother forced me to do it, so just a brief conversation with him and I was finished, haven't heard from him again, and frankly I didn't care.


In between leaving + brother's hospitalization and him being the new favorite child, as I was seen as 'failure' kind of, at least to my father, but someone who my brother adores. They had another child, when my step-brother was 5, and I was 10. My step-sister is "daddy's princess" and my step mother's favorite. I found it rather selfish that they insisted on me coming over to satisfy my step-brother's emotional attachment to me, or just as a stress outlet. My step-sister can even say 'No" to both my step mother and my father without anything bad. Worse she got as a spanking with the "Wooden Spoon" which she fears more than anything. She also at risk of being a diabetic as well, just to clarify, as they are all rather spoiled rotten, literally. Now, to sum up the rest of my life with him, I have been the sole outlet of his stress. He would berate me, especially when I had something I was proud of. I was even berated for doing nothing, although not in front of everyone else though. He wondered why I "walked around looking all depressed" and whatnot, and kept asking me about it, and I kept saying 'nothing'. Eventually, one time when we were on a 'vacation' or basically a baseball tournament for my brother, as they always want to go. I did not wish to deal with the questioning if I refused, so I always say yes. These weekends were extremely boring, as I hated baseball, and my step-brother was normally out playing in his tournament, that left me there doing absolutely nothing, being bored out of my mind. As someone who gets bored really easily, having to deal with this almost every week (As his visitations were three weeks in a month, and he was striving to make it every week. One time him and my step mother cornered me, literally, and 'asked' whether or not I wanted to live with them. I contemplated on it and definitely would prefer the questioning and the attempted 'guilt-trips' rather than having to go through with it every single day). Anyway, one day he really confronted me on 'why I looked so depressed' or 'what was wrong with me' and he looked me right in the eyes, told me not to look away, and I couldn't help but tear up a little bit, not just out of fear, but hatred. It was in front of everyone as well, so I naturally tried to hold my tears back and violent thoughts back. This was one of the last straws that broke the camels back, as weekend with him berating me, I got the courage to argue back, and I had to back out because I knew I would have done something. After that incident, I texted my mother (she didn't know any of this, as I did not wish to get her involved or else I would have to defend her by killing him) and told her that I was extremely close to taking the hammer and bashing his skull in and killing the rest of his family with him, or perhaps even making him watch while I killed the rest of his family.


After that, at the age of 17, I stopped going over. Regardless of his calls stating of how 'my brother missed me' as I've heard it at least a hundred times before. My mother gives me random updates from the court stating that they had a divorce, because of what my father was doing to my brother, doing what he did to me, and because she valued her husband above a step child, I had to endure, but since she values her own child's feelings above her husband's, she leaves and he gets off easy. Obviously the sugar level being that dangerously high, his depression caused him to eat more and more. So, way I see it, like how he treated me when he first started seeing me, he treated them kindly, but then gradually he gets abusive and wonders why it's his fault. My father was a different person when talking to his friends, even my brother, as high as his grades were he was normally oblivious to things. He became the charming and caring guy that he used as a mask. A mask he put on when I was younger, and when he (my brother) was younger.




So, extremely long, so...


TL;DR:

- Father saw me when I was born, but never after until pressured for child support five years later (Attachment, then detachment)

- Father started seeing me once pressured for child support and wanted custody. Treated me extremely nicely

- Father marries a fat white lady, my step mother, and conceives my step-brother

- Less attention towards me and more towards his wife until birth of brother which was turned on to him

- Became abusive, verbally, emotionally, and physically to me when I was 8 to 10, had a drinking problem

- I improvised a fight between my mother's at the time psychotic boyfriend (who may happen to be Borderline) whom I disliked, hoping they would kill each other, or at least my father would be dead and the other in jail.

- Fight was defused, attempted to set up a fight between my grandfather, who used to work in the prison, and my father, hoping he would kill my father. I liked my grandfather, and love him as of now being one of the only ones that supported me, and I did not think of the consequences before starting the fight, as he would be in jail, so I never did anything like that again

- Brother was tailored into what my father wanted him to be, athletic, good grades, and to be very social. I was the exact opposite and was berated for it, although he does not acknowledge it as 'berating' me, as I confronted him about it and did not admit to it.

- Ends up 'forgetting' promises he has made, yet makes up 'promises' that are mere fabrications which have never happened in order to suit him.

- Is very aggressive and easily aggravated, and has mood swings which can have him apologize after doing something, and sometimes 'crying' to himself about something (One time he told me he was crying about how messed up my life is going to become)

- Is very friendly and charming to his friends, yet the opposite to his family except for whomever is newest offspring at the time

- Often attempts to 'guilt trip' me into not leaving stating that my 'brother will miss me' if I left, in which case he does when I eventually do

- Berates my mother, sometimes right in front of me, have to restrain myself from doing anything I may end up regretting (although this is more for me).

- Tries to get me to side with him when he and my mother have an argument, I pretend to side with him to save face, but I tell me mother how I truly feel except for violent thoughts (since very early age)

- Can be very defensive toward family, especially me, although I was his major stress outlet ("You can't insult my family, only I can" type of thing)

- Either you can be praised, or hated. I was mostly hated, yet although this would be black, he did not allow me to leave, so I don't know if that would be considered greyish. My step-siblings were white, unless he was angered, regardless of how small the mistake, it would be punished, however the punishments have been lowered significantly.

- After leaving at the age of 17, court tells my mother that he and my step mother divorced, my step mother explains that she didn't appreciate the way he was treating my step brother (as he was the next in line to be outlet, as she was the enabler).

- Step Brother apparently is depressed after divorce, gets hospitalized for having blood sugar level above 1000 and although I persist in ignoring all calls, my mother forces me to talk. Talk for a while, never do it again.




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Now, extremely long story explains a lot of details that the TL;DR lacks, but the TL;DR also has information the long story lacks because I remembered it last minute and added it. I know there is no way of knowing without him getting a diagnosis, but I do not plan on, nor care on him getting diagnosed, and definitely not treated, as I do not think he would deserve it either way. Yes, I do understand that many people with BPD can sympathize with him if he does indeed have BPD, however, I do not. I will say that it could affected me more, especially if I actually cared about what the others thought of my sudden leave and refusal to go over. I would have stopped sooner, but I know that by law I am forced to go over until I hit an adult, as I am legally not my own person. However, I also did not wish to deal with having my mother get involved and insist on fighting; this was how I saw it back then, I was around 9 or 10 when I got that scar and thought of showing it to my mother, but showing it to my mother, to me, would be a sign of weakness and not only would it show how I could not handle pressure, but that she would do something stupid and idiotic like try to fight my father, physically and not verbally, and she would end up in jail. Not to mention that she could use that assault as an excuse to say the scar was done by her and I'd have to live with him... at least, that was the way I saw it back then. Also, if she fought him and he hit her back, I would have given up at that moment on trying to live and survive and just go and murder the entire family, then do myself in because killing an entire family, children included, is a death sentence. Definitely would have done myself in after.


Inb4: See a Psychiatrist, you need help!


Edit: Upon interrogating my mother, as in inquiring about anything related to my father, I found out that 1. My father had a black book, and within he had a list of the names of hundreds of girls he had sex with. He also cheated on my mother multiple times during their relationship, as she was too much in to him to be of sound mind to dump him. Unfortunate. So, sexual promiscuity is a huge thing for him as well (He also has been caught cheating on my step mother, but she remains with him faithfully). 2. For whatever reason, my mother recalled that she got a letter that was misdirected and sent to me instead of my father, which was a letter about my brother's psychiatrist appointments that I did not know about. He may have had anger management issues, but I do not think you need a psychiatrist if it were that simple. This may also lead me to believe that my father may have been seeing a psychiatrist, which would explain the less abuse over the years.

Probably this is going to be a long story. English is not my first language, so sorry if there are big mistakes. I decided not to write on boards in my own language in case my exgf finds out.

I decided to write on this board, since I have suspicions that my former girlfriend might have BPD and I want to be able to (or at least try to) understand her behavior, and maybe if possible in the future discuss things with her.
We are now in NC since 1,5 weeks.
The story:
About 3 months ago, all of the sudden my gf left. I came home from work and she had packed her stuff. We hadn't been fighting a lot. The only thing was I confronted her with a question; friends of mine saw her walking hand in hand with another girl (same sex relationship) - so I asked her what this was about. She told me not to worry about it. Cause it didn't mean anything - they were just friends. I doubted, but didn't make a big deal out of it.
So 2 days after this incident she decided to leave. Telling me we are not over yet - but she needs time. So she goes out in the weekend having fun and I'm really confused about what happened. After 3 days she called me, telling me she wanted to see me. I wrote her a big letter on things that in my opinion needed to change from my side.
I went and talked with her - she still loved me and wanted to work things out, but didn't want to live together anymore, since she had the feeling she needed to work on her own identity. Fair enough I told her.
So the next day I decided to text her (really feeling confused - all the time anxious I would do something wrong) how her day was. She called me back and told me she couldn't be with me. Decided to end the relationship since I was blocking her in order to become more self secure and find her own identity.
I then told her that was ok, but that I didn't want to have any contact anymore then, since I needed to move on and get her out of my system.
She agreed with this.

But then strange things started to happen. She started to call me everyday at first (me sometime not picking up - but after calling 8 times, writing on fb and text messaging I would get worried if something was wrong)
During these calls she would cry over everything - over herself/her new place/her parents/missing me - I just tried to comfort her at these stages. I thought this was hard since I had some feelings myself as well.
At one stage after 3 weeks of this I had enough of it and went to her place. Told her: leave me alone - let me grieve, or come back to me if you love me, but don't call me and tell me you miss me and do nothing about it, except for getting my comfort.

After 2 weeks she called. telling me she had the shittiest weeks ever - missing me and wanting me back.
I agreed at that time, since I thought she really thought it over. We were together only for 3 weeks then - since she never responded to any of my messages and would be really pushing me away then.
Basically I felt so insecure that I didn't dare to send her anything anymore.
She again broke up since she said I was too insecure and not myself.
Again I asked her to leave me alone.
And again....she didn't. Everytime an excuse to call me - stuff she needed, crying, telling me how hard it was. Telling me she loved me, and wanted to get back - only to call me half an hour later not wanting this anymore..... In the end I really didn't want to pick up anymore, but then she'd send me a text about stuff she wanted back.

Now since 1,5 weeks she has send me a text that it might be best for us not to speak to eachother anymore. Since she respects me. Again this confused me, but on the other hand I was quite glad as well.

As you can see there has been a lot of pulling an pushing from her side. In the meantime I found out she dated two other girls (both she told me about later very openly - stating it was only sexual) The first was directly after we broke up the first time (indeed the girl she was walking hand in hand with) - the second since 2 weeks. So all of the sudden she doesn't need me anymore for her comfort?
Other things that made me doubt her mental health - which I probably ignored before: (red flags)
- she started 2 studies and never finished them - with strange excuses mostly (and her being very insecure for the study she is doing at the moment
- she self-harmed in the past - and even in some part of our break up she said she was affraid she'd do it again (I then told her she needed to find prof. help - cause I couldn't be her care taker
- she cried about everything (already in the relationship) - from a dead bird till an old car which we were replacing for a new one
- her sexually relationships after our breaking up
- her parents always told me how glad they were that we met - cause she was a difficult person - but now they don't want to talk to me anymore - since I was the abuser in the relationship
- stories which appeared of me hitting her during our relationship (which I never did!!)
- stories about sexual abuse at the age of 8 which she can't really remember anymore (but she tells me it changed her)
- stories about exes that sexually used her - she had never been in a real relationship before (also told me that I probably would find a real partner earlier than her - since people only want to use her for sex)
- her being very insecure
- her telling me after our break up that she never felt loved by me and that I never told her I thought she was pretty (I might have been telling it more, but for sure I loved her the best I could)

I could go on even more about these things. The thing is; it doesn't matter - she states I have a problem and I need help (I'm already going to a councilor who sees I'm a bit co-dependent) - she doesn't want to go to counceling since she is in lack of money as she states.
I really like her and want to be a part of her life (why don't even ask me anymore as I read all the above - but that's my feeling) I feel guilt - for not being able to make her happy.
I still am trying and wanting to build a friendship - since we have been together for 2,5 years - were living together and she knows me.
During our relationship I never noticed these things really - it only started to show after the relationship. What can and should I do best?

Hi all,

Been with my GF for 2 years now. Been a wild & bumpy ride. Trying to understand more about her behavior and possibly being BPD. I will try and keep this short and to the point to make it easier to read.

About her: sexually molested by a cousin when she was 11/12ish. Father was very controlling, alcoholic, anger issues including physically (she says he is NPD). Very intelligent with 2 degrees (psychology and political science) from a highly regarded university here on the East Coast. Date raped twice in college. Severe depression, GAD, ADD, agoraphobia, insomnia, eating disorder, alcohol problems all started in college years. Cutting as well.

Impulsive behavior: During the first year together I discovered she had been emailing porno quality pictures to a former coworker on several occasions. I confronted her about it earlier and said it wouldn't happen again. Well it did. After the last one happened I intended on ending the relationship but she begged and pleaded with me it would never happen again. She doesn't consider it cheating unless it is physical. Anyway, much to her credit she hasn't started doing it again that I know of.

Lying: Aside from the nude photo escapade, she has lied over other things like the time I found a bag of ovulation prediction test strips. She said that amazon.com accidentally sent them with her order of other feminine products. She quit taking BC pills right around this same time (without telling me).

Cutting: Bad. The several occasions I've been ready to leave she cuts herself up. Had to take her to the ER once because she cut a huge amount off her arm and needed stitches. Cuts and scars on her arms, legs, stomach, chest, even light cutting on her forehead and cheeks.

Substance abuse: She hurt her back slipping on stairs and her doctor has prescribed her 2 strong painkillers ever since. She attempted to crush and inject one of them but screwed up and got a severe skin infection. My ex was a diabetic so I've seen what needle marks look like. She tried to cover up the needle marks with razor scratches but I called her out on it and she fessed up. She will go through a 3 month supply of morphine in 1 month. I've also found her passed out on the floor multiple times.

Stealing: Has stolen small items from stores, doctor's offices and even the ER (which is how she got the syringes when she attempted to inject).

Money: She pays her rent on time so kudos there. When she finally got approved for SSDI she also received back payment in the amount of $15k. She blew through that in 1 month. 80% of that amount was used on buying collector barbie dolls, houses and other strange things. A 28 year old buying thousands of dollars worth of barbie dolls? The other 20% was used for apartment bills. Don't know if this is relevant but couldn't hurt to add in.

Past relationships: With the exception of the guy prior to me, she was the one that always ended relationships and at the same time was with a new guy right away. The guy prior to me dumped her and she took it hard. Cutting and came up with some kind of suicide plan. Her parents had her admitted to the hospital for a few days.

Anger/temper: practically NONE. Yeah this is what throws me for a loop. We've been together 2 years and never had a bad fight. She has never yelled, screamed or blown up at me.

Friends: practically none. Has a friend she chats with online from a mental health forum but that is about it. She never goes outside unless to a doctor appointment.

I did her entire SSDI application including obtaining medical records, properly filling out questionnaires and arranging to get letters from doctors. This helped me piece together her background. There were several notes from ER doctors and even notes from her parents about BPD. She adamantly denies that she has it. She is very smart and with her psychology degree knows how to steer things around when questioned. I'm at the point where I'm going nuts trying to get a grip on what has and is still going on.

What I see is a girl that has experienced some horrible events in the past. She is terrified of being abandoned, has poor self-esteem problems, brutal depression and the other things I just don't understand. Yet at the same time this person has lied to my face over and over, especially with the nude photo thing and had zero remorse during the year it was going on (read this in chat transcripts). She says she cannot work any longer and now relies on me 100% for getting food, picking up scripts and taking her to doctor appointments. Sometimes I feel like I'm being used and played with like a puppet.

To me all of these things could be BPD except for the lack of anger/temper stuff. In another thread it was suggested that not all people with BPD need that component. BPD waif?

thanks again for taking the time to read.

Question: Is my brother BPD?

His Background:

Raised in emotionally invalidating atmosphere by highly critical father and 'hard driving', perfectionistic mother. Emotionally abused and sexually manipulated by his first girlfriend at age 18.

His Traits / Characteristics:

OCD. Does laundry daily, every time a single t-shirt or outfit is worn for a day, it must be washed. Obsessively, pristinely clean. Has repetitive thoughts of violence, murder, assault that scare him.

Notoriously moody & angry. His strongest personality feature are his frequent mood shifts and explosive anger. Even he will acknowledge that this is true and that it can be problematic.

Feelings of emptiness and boredom. Confusion about identity, few friends, unable to date or have romantic relationships. Restless. Makes impulsive decisions. Poor planning skills.

Problems with jobs, educational pursuits Has enrolled and dropped out of several different masters programs, now studying to become a social worker / mental health counselor. Will suddenly quit a job without a backup plan if he feels that the bosses or coworkers are 'against' him.

Constantly fishes for compliments and praise. He expects perfect 'mirroring' and lots of validation. Loves to play musical instruments, lead workshops or any activity where he is the 'center of attention'. Can get angry if not given sufficient praise or you don't give him the 'right answers' to his questions.

Terrible temper that triggers rage & projection episodes that are scorching, abusive and dramatic... with little or no warning. Anger episode is hugely disproportionate to the trigger. Can go from cheerful to 'angry barking dog' in less than 20 seconds. Common triggers include: criticism, being "pushed" to do or try something, personal or political disagreement, not receiving enough praise or validation. Once triggered... he explodes into rage, raises voice, becomes emotionally abusive and highly defensive. Paranoia and not reasonable, ammenable to resolving or smoothing out the situation. He then withdraws for a period of days to months... waitings for everything to 'blow over'... and pretends like nothing ever happened. You are expected to pretend that nothing ever happened. Any attempt to discuss or emotionally resolve his previous anger episode will immediately trigger a follow up episode.

Black and white thinking, especially when having a anger episode. Vicious, cruel, relentless projection defenses where he is "100% right" and the other person or viewpoint is "100% evil". No gray areas... no meeting in the middle... exasperatingly, impenetrably "black and white" an futile to comprise with. The final verdict: he is 100% right and not responsible for his outrageous episode, you are 100% wrong and fully responsible for triggering his anger.

Gaslighting. Frequently "rewrites history" to make himself in the right, even when he behaves shockingly or terribly. His favorite technique is to attack the validity of my memory... saying I have obviously impaired recall or faulty cognitive faculties.. Continues to attack my memory and brain health - repeating the attacks until I start to doubt my own sanity. Weaves a cloud of confusion, self-doubt and second guessing around those who try to confront or communicate with him. (I believe that HE has a dissociation feature that happens when he is extremely angry, and he covers it by projecting it onto the other party.)

Resists suggestions, refuses therapy or self-help. He is studying to become a counelor, he is OK, the other people have problems. The idea that we could both go for group therapy to improve our communication & relationship is ridiculous / can't be taken seriously to him. I have the problem, not him.

DOES THIS SOUND LIKE BPD? Or something else? I am at the end of my rope and tired of being emotionally abused by my brother... and being blamed for it by him. Please help!

I'm new here and this is my first post ever. I beleive my soon to be exw has BPD but would like some feedback - I'm not sure if this is where I even start. To begin with my w was sexually abused from 18 months - 1st grade on a regular basis. Parents were verbally, physically, and mentally abusive along with the dad being a bad and violent alcoholic. My wife is shy, hates social situations, very clingy, jealous - even when there is no need to be, has extremly low self esteme. Well anyway this last six months things had really changed and she started telling me things like. I haven't loved you and resented you for years (huge shock to me and all who knew us as they thought we were the perfect couple), how can I love you if I don't love myself, I don't know who I am I have always been the person you wanted me to be (again a shock), there are times I don't even feel love for the girls, my mind races all the time, never had a good dream in her life, could not sleep at nights, wished she could just melt in the ground and disappear, couldn't reach out to our "health friends" because they were at a distance or a fog, said she had built up a mountian between her and I, I hate all men, she can't love me the way I deserve to be loved - she can't love anyone that way, couldn't find God (even though we were extremly active in church for 19 years), well you get the point but there is alot more. This came as a huge shock and then I found out she was texting this guy that she met once when she was a bridesmaid at a wedding 4,000 times a month - she swears that they never met since (and I beleive her since she hates people). I am so lost and in shock - my T first mentioned BPD - and the more I look at it she has 8-9 symptoms. Her T has only told her that she has PTSD but I beleive she knows there is more than that. Her T has told her she will always keep people at a distance and have a deeper relationship with a dog then should could ever have with a person. Any thoughts?