COULD THEY BE BPD? Non's - Please post HERE - *TRIGGER*

Tell me about her father.





*subtle, Harvey, very subtle*

I'll jump into this, which may take a while. I'd appreciate all of
your opinions/perspectives.

First, I'll discuss the relationship and potential red flags. Then,
I'll discuss my insecurities. I am trying to figure out if I did
something wrong in my relationship with her--or if the only thing
wrong was really her potential BPD.

We dated for about two months, and the relationship was a definite
emotional rollercoaster. I'm in my late twenties, and she's a little
younger than I am. I have been single or in shorter relationships.
She's been in longer term relationships, which I thought was a
positive thing in that she could teach me a thing or two about being
in longer term relationships. There were a number of red flags
looking back, and looking back one of them is that she seems to swing
from one relationship to the next, and usually back and forth, keeping
at least two guys interested at once as far as I've seen(more about
that later). When we first started dating, she continued to be
friends with a guy who she dated as a rebound from her most recent ex.
He still wanted to be with her, and I thought it was mean for her to
continue to be friends with him. She said that because they shared
the same interests she wanted to remain friends.

I fell for her hard. She's beautiful, smart, and intelligent. I'm a
new therapist, and she seemed to be very in touch with her feelings
and good at articulating herself emotionally. I was attracted to
this.

Another potential red flag is that I felt pressure from her to have
sex soon after we started seeing each othe. I didn't want to since
I've had short flings and wanted to take this slow. She started to
cry and said she felt like i didn't like her. I was nervous, but the
relationship progressed quickly because i either felt like i had to go
at her pace or the whole thing might end. The sex was amazing, and I
felt close to her. She made me feel like I could do anything I wanted
with her sexually, and she was very uninhibited about sex. She was
also very directive about sex, at times telling me exactly what she
wanted. This is not the way I am at all, and was a little
uncomfortable for me, but I appreciated her honesty. She did get
angry when I didn't please her sexually, and she thought it wasn't
fair for me to stop after I was done. This is an example of an area
in which I recognize I was wrong and corrected my behavior. I have
been single for most of my life, and so I recognize I'm out of
practice with relationships.

Whenever I tried to express my own opinion on what I thought we might
do(offer alternatives), or if I couldn't see her for some reason, the
response she gave me was that maybe I couldn't satisfy her needs or
didn't know what a relationship should be like and we shouldn't date.
Because i wanted to be with her, I tried to give her what she wanted.
At the same time, I didn't want to feel like i was walking on
eggshells all the time, But the reality was i was nervous stating my
opinion around her because of the effect it might have if her opinion
was different. She made me feel like there was something wrong with
me, and that I should have swallowed my pride and do what she wanted
to do. This is another area where my insecurities shine through. I
think I can be stubborn and I enjoy things happening my way. Often,
I'll offer alternatives (ie., we could go to this other place for
dinner) which she interpreted as me trying to do things my way. I
explained I was just trying to be helpful, but she felt like she had
to fight me to get things her way. I wanted to be able to tell her my
opinion about things, and then I would be happy to do what she wanted
to do or to compromise, but I didn't like feeling like I had done
something wrong for offering my opinion.

She did give me the impression that she wanted me to be honest with
her if something was bothering her. Once, she asked me if something
was bothering me during lunch, and I said no even though something was
bothering me. After I admitted something was wrong, she got angry at
me for lying to her. Ten minutes later, I finally got to tell her
what was on my mind. She also got angry at me for asking her to
repeat something she said during the same conversation. When I later
told her she might have to repeat herself around me sometimes, she
said alright begrudgingly, but said I wasn't looking at her when she
was talking, which was not ok with her. This is an example of how she
would spin her actions back on something I had done wrong. Sometimes,
if I thought she had done something wrong, she would say "you're
right, you're a better person that I am, I'm a bad person."

Another red flag: a couple of weeks in, I noticed we were hanging out
or together all of the time. I told her that due to my busy schedule,
I need time to be alone especially after very long, busy, and draining
days. At the time, she understood that in order for me to be fully
present with her I need time to be alone, but did not want to set up
"boundaries" about what days of the week we might hang out. Then,
less than a week later, she got very upset when I did not respond to
her texts in which she stated she missed me by wanting to hang out
with her even though she had said she understood that I was busy a
little while earlier(she had been free that whole day, and I had been
busy). She said me asking for space was me trying to control the
relationship, and I started to think she might be right. She said me
asking to not hang out all of the time reminded her of her ex. I now
wonder if I was too forceful in asking for space. She also explained
that partners may hang out less as the relationship progresses, but at
the beginning hanging out a lot is "normal." I got the sense from her
that she was afraid to spend any time alone, but she would never own
this, and turned it into my problem of wanting too much space. Being
afraid of intimacy is indeed something that's pretty real for me(I
told her I was afraid of getting hurt), so she hit on another
insecurity of mine. The above illustrates how I never knew when she
was going to get upset, and so when we weren't together I was nervous
about what might happen if I didn't see her before she wanted to see
me. I hung out with her more than I might otherwise like because I
was afraid she might get upset. Even though she might have said to me
that it's ok if we don't hang out tonight, the reality was that if we
didn't, it was pretty likely she would send a mean message to me late
at night saying something like "i'm angry at you. i want to text you
but i'm afraid to because i don't want you to think i'm clingy. you
put us in a bad situation and i don't like it."

A couple of other red flags: She hit herself once when very
frustrated. It seemed like she was trying to get her frustration out.
She also told me she has thoughts of suicide, but did not go into
them. She had a family trauma happen a couple of years ago and may
have some post traumatic symptoms.

I'll add that there were ways in which she made me feel very special.
Complimenting my looks, the way I made her food, my intuitive ability
to know what's really wrong for her. I also still feel like she
seemed to be pretty emotionally sensitive and n that she always seemed
to know if something was not right with me, and was very upfront with
what was going on for her.

Given that this narrative is being told from my perspective, I don't
want to leave out the things I might have done wrong in the
relationship. I have ADD(she didn't know), and she picked up on when
I was distracted or not present, which is an insecurity of mine and
something I am constantly working on. Like I said, I can also be
stubborn and it's sometimes difficult for me to go along with other
peoples plans. But I will do it, and I genuinely wanted to find ways
to include her preferences in my plans. The idea of compromise was
something she agreed to in theory, but in practice it never happened
and I don't think she liked it. I also revealed some info about
previous relationships to her which was disconcerting to her, and may
have negatively affected our relationship.

While we were dating, she was friends with an ex bf. I think this guy
let her have whatever she wanted and I felt like she was constantly
comparing me to him. At the beginning of our relationship, she told
me he wanted to be with her, and they spoke pretty much every day. It
made me uncomfortable, but i was ok with it because she has gone
through rough stuff, and said she needed emotional support. She was
clear she wanted to be with me. Whenever i voiced my opinion, I felt
her move closer to him. A week ago, she tells me shes scared she still
has feelings for him, and is really excited to see him, but if I think
he shouldn't visit then he won't. I told her i don't want to decide
this for her.

Then, a couple of days ago she tells me she wants to slow the
relationship down with me. This made me angry because of the pressure
I felt from her at the beginning of the relationship to progress at
her speed. Even though she had been ok with an exclusive relationship
for a month, she also tells me it'd be best if we're more casual from
now on. She took back all of the sweet romantic things she said to
me(like that she wanted to be with me long-term). When I called her
on that, she said that she meant them at the time, but that they no
longer applied. She was acting as if she hadn't really been in a
relationship with me.

And here's the kicker: She tells me of course she's going to have sex
with this ex while he's in town and talks about it like she has no
choice in the matter. She tells me i have a choice: I can still be
with her as long as I'm ok with her being with this other guy. So i
decided i wouldn't let myself to be put in that situation or treated
that way.

Another red flag: She's been in a couple of long-term relationships,
but all of them involve her being with someone for a while(guy A),
breaking up with guy A to date guy B, and then going back to guy A.
For whatever reason, she can't seem to just be with one person. She
dated guy A for over a year, but didn't like that he had his own
opinion. Then she told me she dated guy B for a short time, and went
back to guy A for a few more years and said their relationship was
much better those last couple of years. She's now with guy B again,
and I get the impression that she's thinking this will improve MY
relationship with her. How? Well, because I'll be too concerned that
she might leave if I have my own opinion about things...

This guy is only going to be in town for a short while, and at the
same time she's expressed to me that she still wants to be with me,
and wants to resolve things with this guy. As we were breaking up,
she said she feels more safe with me than anyone that she's dated in
the past, and is close to loving me.

I can't help but feel this woman took me for a ride. The only way she
would have been happy with me is if i did whatever she wanted all of
the time without even voicing my own opinion.
At the same time, this ex of hers who will be in town let her do that,
and she clearly wasn't happy with him either.

Here are some questions:

1) Does this seem like BPD to you?

2) What role did I play in the dysfunctionality of this relationship?
Am I culpable here? I look at relationships as growing experiences,
and I want to learn from my mistakes here--even if she suffered from
BPD(though I'd be looking at mistakes under a different lens)

3) Do you think there's any hope for this woman to be in a stable relationship?

4) She would get angry at me (if I wasn't giving her my undivided
attention, etc.) and would then shut down, breath deeply, and not let
me touch her. She would do that rather than get angry at me, because
she said could be very mean when angry and say things she didn't mean.
Is this reflective of BPD?

5) She did not text or call constantly, but when she did and I did not
respond quickly she got frustrated. I haven't heard from her in a
couple of days. Is this behavior reflective of BPD?

6) She would also get very upset when hearing about the ways in which
other people had been wronged or had bad things happen to them. Does
this sound like it could be BPD?

Thanks all!
Bob

anonyrat wrote:I'm sorry for how long this post will be - but I could really use some advice.

I have been with my girlfriend for nearly 8 years.
We have had some really good times, and a lot of tough times.

<snip>

In the last couple of years I have been getting extreme anger and resentment for the fact that she's nearly 30 and I haven't proposed yet ("I've taken the best years of her life", etc.)
The truth is I have come really close to doing it at least 5 times, but every time it's as if she has a 6th sense about these things and she starts a huge fight with me at exactly the wrong time, and it always scares me away from making the commitment.

What are peoples thoughts... Am I deluding myself? Is it a hopeless situation?
I don't want to string her along for another 5 years while I "decide". At least if I let her go now, she's still young enough to find someone else to have a life with (although I doubt her anxieties will let her find anyone).

I know this post is a couple of weeks old but I wanted to reply because your situation is extremely similar to mine. To get the quick facts out of the way. My wife and I have been together 6 1/2 years. I'm 98% confident she's BPD, but no official diagnosis.

As I mentioned above, the majority of your post mirrors my experience. I felt a lot of pressure to propose and get married, which unfortunately was the very wrong decision on my part. She framed it as a "if I only accept her for how she is, and not as something that needs 'fixed', things will be better". Three years later and I can tell you they are not. If you can not or will not get some help from a third party to face BPD head on, I would suggest NOT to committing to something like marriage. Being married is neither the problem nor solution, but you leave yourself a more difficult breakup down the road if you do.

deebob48 wrote:I'll jump into this, which may take a while. I'd appreciate all of
your opinions/perspectives.

Does
this sound like it could be BPD?

Yes. I have BPD am in my early twenties, and that's exactly what I'm like in a relationship.
Except I'm monogomous because I have a son and probably more mature.
I would say move on and if she realises you're the one, give her a chance to prove she can be with you and you alone.

Hi all,

I just found this board and was hoping to gain a little understanding from the inside of what has been going on in my (now) ex girlfriends head recently. There is a huge history but I will keep it very brief as I don't want to make it unreadable.

We met on a dating site, instant chemistry, never met a girl like her before and we hit it off amazingly. Within three dates I was head over heels for her, she moved in after a month, gave up her job and worked at the cafe I owned as the manager and within 3-4 months we were already talking about engagement. There were a few warning signs now and then with drinking excessively and being very fiery (which she put down to being an aries) but i ignored them. After 6 months things cooled off and we started to argue a lot more, she wasn't happy and quit the cafe and tried to find a new job doing something else, which I 100% supported her with and tried to help her be happy. It just got worse and she got unhappier and we argued more. She seemed to get depressed or go distant for no reason and it started to frustrate me, to the point where at our 1 year anniversary I felt a bit bleak, though she tried to make me happy. Shortly after at my birthday we argued, she got really drunk and i tried to take her out of the restraurant and she went nuts and made a huge public scene and my friends had to take her out, where I put her in a cab to go to a hotel. i then packed her bags and was determined to have her gone from my life.

She went back home to Wales and we didn't speak for a bit. When we finally did we decided we wanted to work on it and she came back down for a holiday Id booked in venice. We argued while out there the first day, then made up and things were ok. but Upon returning back things werent good. I snooped on her FB and found shed gone to meet an old male friend from the past and had told me she was meeting a female friend. I wasnt going to put up with that so told her what I knew and that i was breaking up with her. she tried to get me to change my mind but I wouldnt. came home from work to find her very drunk, tried to cook her a nice meal but she started ranting abuse at me, tried to drive away drunk, screaming at me that she loved me, i tried to call her dad to get him to come take her away but she tried to smash my phone, hit me around the face, then eventually when I threw her onto the couch to calm down she ran past me and grabbed a knife from the kitchen. i pulled it off her, called the police and she spent the night in jail, something shes never forgiven me for and thinks I was in the wrong for doing that. We didnt speak for 3-4 months and that was going to be that.

however during that time i realise i really missed her and found out about BPD and thought it sounded like what she had, so became determined to help her fix it. finally convinced her to come and meet me - chemistry was still there and we got back together and she moved back down to London to be with me. Though i did find out she slept with her ex after we broke up which hurt me. but again after 2-3 months the arguments started, the loving, passionate girl disappeared and she started pulling away from me more and more and being more irritable and argumentative. And just like before, I couldnt argue with her. It was like talking to a three year old, she just wouldnt listen to a thing I said and would deflect in a way that infuriated me and she put it all on me. eventually something happened with her married boss at work (very unattractive guy), she admitted she kissed him after she was out twice in a row and didnt come home, though I suspect she slept with him. The relationship had broken down again, I had no trust, felt like crap and felt distant and finally she left to go back to Wales for xmas and the next txt I had from her she was ending things. She then blocked me out of her life and didnt even respond to phone calls or texts, just completely blanked and ignored me.

Now FYI she has always said every time we get back together that the thing she can't live with in me is my constant questioning or feeling insecure, or paying her too much attention and not iving her space and just relaxing and ignoring her and doing my own thing. She says I dont give her room to be a woman or come to me when she wants, and that i smother her and always want too much affection. Now I can see where shes coming from, but its 100% the way she is with me that makes me unsettled and insecure. love one minute, acting like a total stranger the next. Constantly mentioning her exes even though she says im the best guy she's ever been with, not prioritising me, not doing many things for me, constantly criticising me, controlling everything, being jealous but then acting like she's unbothered about us a lot of the time, not doing a lot of things for me, prioritising work and other things over us constantly. And how when we break up she just acts like she doesnt even know me, despite how much intimacy we've shared, and how she just ignores me completely. i have told her this but she isnt interested. She blames me for everything.

Since then we have reunited and split up 8-9 times. We've been apart for almost as long as weve been together and she's dated a few other guys for long periods in between, and one guy who she was chatting too while supposedly still together with me and coming on holiday with me, while emailing him calling him "her man". then she came back to me 5 months later saying she couldnt stop thinking about me, he could tell she wasnt over me, and nothing was the same as me. she keeps saying this that no matter how many times she tries to get on with her life, she cant stop thinking about me and no guy compares. but then we got back together 3 months, broke up and then she went back with him for 3-4 months immediately!

Anyway to cut this short... we got back together 2-3 months ago, it was fantastic at first as always, only seeing each other when we could as long distance , she was going to move in with me, i booked us a holiday to italy.... then she got pregnant and we had an abortion mutually agreed. then since then she started getting drunk more and more of the time and we argued because of it. Also because she started showing less and less interest in the relationship, its like she acts a certain way for a month and then stops.

Now she has come to the point where she has admitted she has a serious alcohol problem, and 6 months ago i sent her links to BpD websites and she even said a lot of it rang really true and she was scared, because she might have it and didnt want to have it. So i actually made a fair bit of progress with her even getting to that point.

but since then, no treatment, she doesnt want to talk about it, and she says shes fine. Then another episode will happen, shell get drunk and make a mess of things, regret it the next day, and then on top of that, im not happy with the relationship because she keeps pulling away, i feel unsafe as her love seems to come and go like the wind and she wont do anything to reassure me. When I ask her for reassurnace she getss angry and annoyed. She also gets angry whenever I tell her something I'm not happy about in the relationship that I'd like to be different. She just gets really angry and irritated, starts lashing out at me and deflecting it away from her and then refuses to talk about it leaving us with bad atmosphere and energy between us. So i feel completely disregarded and unheard. Again, its like trying to be with a three year old.

So as to my question... well we went away to Italy last week and had the worst week of our life. We argued every day constantly. I just wanted to have a nice time but she was distant, moody a lot of the time or not in the mood for sex which annoyed me. Mainly we argued because the day before leaving she wanted to fix her hair as the colour was messed up. i hadnt seen her in two weeks, and even then she had gotten drunk 4 nights in a row with me so I had no quality time with her. We were going away in a days time and I was happy to see her and wanted to have a nice day getting excited about the holiday, and all she cared about was her hair. When I complained she got really #######5 and we argued awfully. Then while away she wasnt in the mood for sex and I was frustrated as I was looking forward to a nice week away and felt she was being off wiht me and making no effort to reconcile. She hated me questioning her and we had a massive argument. From there it just got worse and she started drinking loads, got really drunk one night and was humiliating me in public so I booked her a separate room at the resort and when she found out she went ballistic and felt abandoned (she later told me) and was screaming vile abuse at me all around the hotel, throwing things, hitting me, telling me how much she hated me and worse. The rest of the holiday was pretty bad and she just went distant to me and was making no efforts to talk. When I tried she just shut me out. She even said she was so disappointed with us as when she got back together with me this time she really thought I was her saviour and seemed perfect.

When we came back she was exhausted and fell asleep, in the morning I said goodbye as I was going to work and she was going back to wales. I said I felt this might be the last time I saw her, she said don't be silly of course she'll be back down to work it out. Then she cleared her stuff out while I was at work, was texting me saying how sad she was that we just werent getting on, I was numb by this point, having once again gone from totally in love to being like strangers in 2 weeks. She texted me that night saying cuddles and she loved me and thanks for the flowers i sent her. I didnt reply. Next morning I woke up to nasty texts saying shed had the worst week of her life, and how I had done nothing for 5 years but make her miserable and unhappy. When just 3 weeks ago she was saying I was literally the most perfect guy in the world in every way and she would never ever leave me and couldnt live without me.

So I just stopped reacting and she started to get more angry, I told her how it was her ending it, not me. Finally later that day she said she was going to come down in 2 weeks to talk and have a nice meal. Then later that night she told me to go f*** myself and never contact her again. Apparently she'd seen my profile on an online dating site. So she must have been looking. I had just got an email that morning and was curious so logged on just to see who it was from as I havent been on for 6 months. And since then I havent heard from her. Ive tried texting her loads but she has completely ignored me as she does every time we break up. She doesnt even respond to me, just acts like I dont exist.

The main question I have for those who suffer from BPD here, is for a start, does it sound like she likely does suffer from it from what I've said, and if so - can you explain what is going on in her head when she is ignoring me? When only weeks ago we were so happy and loved up, talking about marriage and moving in together, kids, emigrating etc, making love over and over again deeply, then within the space of a few weeks she is literally ignoring me as if I never existed?

And secondly, why is it that when I try and tell her something I'm not happy with in the relationship, eg something she's doing that I dont like or upsets me, like saying things about ex boyfriends, or treating me indifferently etc, why does she get so hostile and is unable to have a conversation about it? Why does she get so defensive and starts treating me like an enemy?

Thanks if you've read this far, I really did mean it to be short!

NZJames
Let's see...

• Instant attraction to her? - check
• Found someone who wanted to "fix" her? - check.
• Flip-flops between loving you and hating you? - check
• Jumps into another relation at the same time she's jumping out of the first one? - check
• After breaking up, she doesn't know you from Adam? - check
• Abuses substance? - check

Yep, you've got yourself a genuine, certified Borderline there!

As to what's going on in her head when she's ignoring you, my guess is that it's self-protection. She either ignores you completely, or acknowledges you and has to realize how great you are and that she did a really stupid thing by letting you go and how stupid she is and she'll probably never get another guy like you, not that she deserves one anyway. Yes, the thought process does go like that, as odd as it may sound. It's less painful to ignore, so that's what we do.

As to why she gets defensive when you tell her something that she does that you're not happy with, again, it's self-protection. She probably takes the statements as attacks, dropping her already low self-esteem even lower. Her first reaction is to lash out at you. It goes back to that old saying that the best defense is a good offense. If you go on the defensive, then you'll be busy protecting yourself, so you won't be able to attack her any more.

It's skewed logic, I know, but hey; I never said dating one of us was easy! When we're in a good mood, we can be the greatest relation out there. A day with us is better than sex with twins on the White House lawn! Of course, when we have our bad moments, we go from "Dear Penthouse..." to "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" in a matter of nanoseconds. It's just who we are, sorry to say.

Next morning I woke up to nasty texts saying shed had the worst week of her life, and how I had done nothing for 5 years but make her miserable and unhappy. When just 3 weeks ago she was saying I was literally the most perfect guy in the world in every way and she would never ever leave me and couldnt live without me.

After 13 years married. My suggestion? Run.
I don't and won't have children with my partner as the mood swings are beyond hell. Not worth it.
It gets old real fast. Sucks the life out of a person and in the end...more of the same junk just piles on.

Yeah I agree. Totally sucks all life and happiness out of you. I also now have recurring stomach irritation problems from my years of stress with her.

Problem is given a few weeks, my thoughts inevitably drift back to her no matter what I do, and I can't help remembering the lovely times and think about her with other guys giving them everything I wanted.... and I get down and start missing her.

The thing is deep down I know I'm creating it in my head and I don't actually miss her, she's most likely not giving anything of the sort to any other guy, and what I crave and miss about her is not actually real, it's my projection of what I wanted or believed her to be...

But how do I kick myself out of that and stop this "pseudo missing her" to prevent me getting back in touch down the track and kicking off the whole cycle again?

Hello there. I have been in a problematic relationship for a while now. I am seeing some very intense warning signs here, and I am not only concerned about the longevity of it, but also if my partner needs help. I guess I have a few questions. He seems to display symptoms for a range of things. I know no one is qualified to diagnose, but if perhaps you guys could give me suggestions of what to read up on, or perhaps help me with distinguishing between what might just be bad personality habits rather than mental illness that needs help itself, and perhaps how I can approach getting help for him if perhaps he does need it.

Please bear in mind this is a guy.

- Frequent lying/deception
- Low self-esteem. Tries to appear as better than he is.
- Manipulative behavior - but very mild, have never seen it as malicious, more as a trying to avert confrontation
- Very closed up, does not like talking about his past or history. Does not open up.
- Extremely sensitive - will cry during arguments
- Prefers to pretend things are going great rather than face up to problems
- Reluctance to be verbal with regards to his feelings

However, things I don't observe are impulsivity; never have huge blowouts. In fact he seems stable and calm most of the time unless I catch him doing something wrong then he tells me he feels intensely bad about it, guilty for letting me down etc, feels like a failure. There are days when talking is harder than others, I feel like I get nothing back, or trying to have a conversation with myself, but I have read through your other threads here and it never seems as extreme as you guys describe. Is it perhaps because this disorder manifests a little differently in men rather than women?

It feels like he is trying to hide or downplay depression, but what really throws me is the lying and the manipulation. It just seems so gratuitous at times, like a habit or a comfort he has to keep things easy and smooth, or perhaps keep things in a way that is comfortable for him.

This is what made me come and read about other personality disorders. I know there are some big issues with this guy that need to be dealt with, I am just not sure where to start with this, I feel very confused, and of course, it hurts a lot, because I do care about him. My instinct is telling me to run a mile because of the alarm bells, but I think he needs help...

Hey all,

This is my first post. I'll come right out and say that i am not a medical professional and i do not know if my girlfriend has BPD. She does display many of these symptoms which is why i am gathering as much information i can. Even if she does not have this disorder, because she shares so many of the same characteristics i still believe i can find a better understanding here.

I met my girlfriend (ex now) a year and a half ago. She is 22 and I'm 26. Things sparked with us from day one. We took things slow at first but within a month of being "officially together" she began basically living with me. She never talked about marriage or kids like a lot of the posts I'm seeing. Actually, she was fully comfortable admitting how she is a very emotional and depressed person and how she will probably never be married or have children. A few months into the relationship those emotions started to surface. She would start fights over the smallest of things, especially when things were great. When she was mad, she was enraged, in some cases emotionally abusive (mostly things like "###$ you", "your an asshole/piece of $#%^"). When a conflict would become serious, she would cut herself off for days at a time then come back as nothing had happened. I barely knew her family but she was always wanting to come see mine. She was very secretive and it turns out she had cheated on me, hence our breakup. She cuts herself, and on one occasion I had to take her to emergency for it. She is fully aware there is something going on inside her & she has admitted she needs to see a therapist. Problem is, it's never followed through with. The list of things continues but I won’t bore you with more details.

After our break up (because of the cheating) she was a different person. She would write me extremely long email on how sorry she was, how much of a mistake she made, how she wanted to change for me (and for her) even if I never speak to her again, and how much she loves me. She also began to play the pity party roll like no other, talking terrible about herself. Finally, after 2 weeks of the emails, I decided to call her to talk. We did. It was a good talk. She took full responsibility for her actions & took it even further by saying she will admit her behaviors with me caused most of our problems. She stated how if she would have talked to me about issues from day 1, none of this would be going on. I asked her what she wanted, amends or reconciliation. She said she wanted to make amends & that she would love for us to be together again one day but not until she can get control of her issues. I agreed & we parted.

A week after that I decided to reach out to her. She was much different. We flirted a bit & she of course brought up how depressed she is, etc. Unfortunately, that's all she says; that's all she ever says. When I try and help, she "doesn't want to talk about it". It's very upsetting for someone who cares and is trying to make a difference. Her words of “if I would just talk to you about problems we wouldn’t be here…” now seem hollow. As a matter of fact, most of the positive things she said now seem like just words.

Another week went by (a few days ago) she still had not come to pick up her things from my place (it’s been over a month & she said she would be getting her belongings). I got tired of coming home every day and seeing them so I decided to pack them up & bring them over to her place. I simply left them on the porch for her. Later that night I received a text from her telling me “don’t worry I’ll never contact you again”, and to have a nice life. A few minutes later I got a call which I picked up. She was in hysterics, crying her eyes out so much I could barely understand what she was saying. I let her know I did not drop her things off out of anger but that it was about time she had her belongings back. I ask her why she was so upset & she refused to talk. She told me she would call me the next day then hung up. Then next day came & went with no call. Around 9pm I received a text that had anger written all over it.

I let the weekend go by before I text her. I let her know I understand how dropping her things off made her upset & how it was not an action of anger (I did not apologize). I let her know that though I have immense feelings for her, I also love myself & the behavior/actions thus far are not acceptable to me. That I have self respect, which I blew off for a long time thinking she would get better (walking on egg shells, etc), but that I'm not going to be treated with disrespect from her or anyone else. I told her I’m tired of seeing her destroy herself and the great things she has in life (dropped out of school, quit her job, etc). How she seeks negative attention for a temporary thrill only to be let down and unhappy soon after. How she is literally creating her own unhappiness & it will not stop until she hits the bottom or wakes up one day & decided to try and help herself. I let her know the people that mean most to her in life never want to abandon her, they're forced to. That is was never my intention to hurt or abandon her but enough is enough.

All that said, here I am. I want you all to know a bit about me. I’m not needy nor a push over. Yes, I love this girl to death but I am perfectly capable of walking away (as of now I already have done so). I was a push over with her for a long while, I did it thinking she would begin to realize things. Since that’s not the case, I’m behaving as I normally would. I don’t tolerate disrespect or abusive behavior & I will put my foot down as fast as you put me down. Honesty is how I go, whether it’s what someone wants to hear or not. I will also admit that if she attempted to come back, under the right circumstances, I would slowly let her back into my life (probably). My reaching out to you is more of me asking for insight on the best way to handle things with her or anyone else in the future that shares similar characteristics. I know very well that acting a pushover makes things worse (which is good because now I don’t have to fake it). Is being a strong person too threatening? No matter what happens with her and I, I want to educate myself for the future & understand the proper way of handling heated situations without being walked all over or cornering someone. Ideally I want to maintain my respect without coming off as a threat to the other person. As things go with her, right now, because I do care about her, I’m concerned about her well being. I would love to help her try and take control of her life.